Name: 1-1-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #3
Uploaded: 2017-01-02T22:36:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-1-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #3' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-1-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #3' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-02. Transcript available.

1-1-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #3

*Sings* Happy New Year guys!
*Sings*
That's Guy Lombardo right there with Auld Lang Syne.
Happy New Year man!
It is the 1st of January's 2017 man, 2017 the 1st of January's.
And this is it man, it's New Year's.
I'm back in Los Angeles after I think 11 days at home in the deep south in
Louisiana and Baton Rouge.
What are your New Year's resolutions?
I'd love to know some of them.
I'd love to know anything.
If you have any questions you want answered.
If you want to comment.
Anything that I can include in the next week's episode.
But this is this past weekend.
The first episode of 2017.
January 1st of 2017.
Welcome.
Happy New Year to you guys.
I had a wild one man.
I had a wild one.
I was with family.
I started off.
I was in Louisiana for 11 days running around.
I was going to come back to LA about 4 or 5 days ago.
A friend of mine was throwing a big New Year's Eve party.
I was excited.
But then I get a text from Amy Schumer.
I'm name dropping but that's who texts me.
And she's a friend of mine and she asked me to be on her New Year's Eve show.
In New Orleans.
So at the Mahalia Jackson Theater.
Beautiful theater.
So then I stayed around for an extra 4 or 5 days.
And honestly it was a great time.
I had a wonderful time at home spending time with family.
You know I got 5 nieces and nephews.
So it was a blast man.
But I got sick bud.
I got flying sick.
Adult diarrhea bruh.
I'm going to just tell you exactly what happened to me.
I got adult diarrhea.
I don't know where it came from.
I don't know what the culprit is.
I've literally been picking my brain.
Trying to figure out.
What did I eat?
What did I ingest?
You know I don't know.
It was something I think at La Madeline.
It might have been undercooked sausage.
I was at this breakfast place.
I was eating.
I was in a hurry.
And it infected me dude.
So I'm heading there.
I'm heading home for the holiday.
I'm heading back to my family on Friday.
I'm driving.
I eat breakfast at this place.
I get in the car.
I'm leaving.
And suddenly.
I mean.
I hate to be.
You know I hate to tell you about it.
But I mean my.
My.
My ass.
My ass.
It felt like I had a pet.
Like a pet waterfall.
In my ass.
That's how I felt man.
I'm driving.
And it's raining outside.
And suddenly.
My butt.
Just like.
Coughed up.
You know.
Diarrheas.
My butt.
Just coughed up.
Diarrheas.
And I'm in the car.
You know.
And I got all my stuff.
Packed.
Nothing's.
You know.
Accessible.
And.
And so I lurched my body up.
Out of the car seat.
Right.
A rental car.
It's a.
Kia Sophia.
Which actually is the same name of this.
This black girl that I used to go to school with.
When I was growing up.
I wonder what happened to her.
But yeah.
So I'm in this Kia Sophia dude.
I spray out.
You know.
Daddy's spraying out.
And.
I'm looking for a place to pull over.
But it's gotta be a place that's like.
Secure enough.
Cause I can't just.
Get out of the vehicle at a gas station.
Like there's no.
Like I need assistance.
You know.
I need help.
I need.
I mean this is.
So I lurched my body up.
So now I'm arching my body.
I pull my pants.
Pull my pants over.
My underpants still on.
Pull my pants down some.
I don't know why I did that.
Just I needed some separation in there.
In between the layers.
And.
And I drive man.
And I pull over.
At like a women's correctional facility.
Outside of Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
And there's like a parking lot.
Before you get to the facility.
So I'm thinking.
I'm in the middle of.
There's nothing around.
You know.
It's a wide open kind of park area there.
I'm thinking.
Oh this would be fun.
I can.
I can get out of the car.
I can deal with myself.
It's raining.
I can you know.
Even wash myself in the rain.
If I have to.
I mean it's.
It's an unhappy start to the weekend.
Um.
And.
So I'm out there.
I got.
You know.
I take.
My pants off.
Uh.
Get my underpants off.
Uh.
Threw them.
Honestly.
I threw them.
I don't know.
I hope a bird didn't get them.
I hope.
I hope they are.
Biodegradable.
Uh.
Me undies.
They were actually a good pair of me undies.
Um.
And I tossed them.
Dude.
And then.
A guy.
A security guy.
Security patrol.
Pulls up.
Right.
Pouring rain.
I'm out there.
I got a towel.
I picked a towel up out of one of my bags.
Got a towel around my waist.
Um.
And this guy pulls up.
Rolls down the window.
Of this little truck.
And he's like.
What's going on here?
Uh.
I had a flashlight.
Right.
It's daylight.
It is raining.
But you had a flashlight.
What's going on here?
Ma'am.
What's going on here?
Ma'am.
You know.
And I know I got kind of a.
Uh.
A mullet haircut going.
But look.
I mean.
I know there's some tough women in Louisiana.
It's a correctional facility.
Actually.
I understand the guy could have got me a little confused.
Uh.
And I just looked him square in the eyes.
Bro.
Like a confident owl.
And I said.
I shit myself.
I shit myself.
I said it.
And he rolled up the window and left.
That was it.
Nothing.
Nothing.
No assistance.
No assistance.
Oh.
So.
Anyway.
This is this past weekend man.
That's how that started out.
I've had like this.
This virus all weekend.
Going through my body.
I can feel it kind of slowly migrate in its way south.
Um.
Oh.
And it's just been a nightmare dude.
It's been a nightmare.
But happy new years guys.
Uh.
Did you have a resolution?
Um.
The most popular resolutions they say are to get healthy.
Uh.
To get organized.
I'm reading the list right here off of NBC News.
Off the website.
Live life to the fullest.
Oh.
Try doing that with a stomach virus.
Oh.
I've been empty man.
I've been.
Gee.
I must have lost nine pounds bro.
I mean just clouding up toilets.
It's been a rough time.
Learn new hobbies.
I might do that this year.
I want to focus.
I want to do some Spanish huh.
I still have dreams.
Maybe I'll meet like a Spanish woman somewhere.
You know.
Maybe I'm trapped in an elevator and.
It's peligro.
You know.
That means it's dangerous.
It's.
It's peligro.
You know.
And then I meet a woman and you know.
We have a little Spanish family.
I could do that.
I like tile.
You know.
I know if you get a Latino woman.
They want tile in the kitchen.
I could do that.
Um.
What else?
Spend less.
Save more.
I want to do that.
Travel.
Uh.
Read more.
That's one of them as well.
Read more.
Uh.
So those are the popular.
Most popular New Year's resolutions.
Get healthy.
Get organized.
Less.
Learn new hobbies.
Spend less.
Save more.
Read.
More.
What is yours?
Do you have a New Year's Eve resolution?
Let me know what it is man.
Write it in.
Um.
Um.
What gifts did I get?
I got some socks.
That's what I gave out this year.
Everybody got socks in my family and friends circle.
Uh.
It was a.
It was a very soxual year.
Soxual harassment guys.
Huh?
Feeling up your feet.
Um.
I got a gift card from my brother.
That was nice.
And one of those visas.
You know.
Do it yourself gift cards.
And I got.
Uh.
What else did I get?
I got some clearance rack.
Uh.
Athletic wear.
You know the stuff you get.
Somebody gets you like a.
Like a triple XL orange under armor.
Hoodie.
You know.
Or triple XL.
Uh.
Green.
Shoes.
They're not even in regular shoe sizes.
They're XL.
Shoes.
You know.
Stuff usually like a lot of brothers would wear.
Kind of.
You know.
Um.
Or old school brothers.
You know.
The OBs man.
Old school brothers would wear.
You know.
That just kind of reflective.
Like.
Oh.
I'm a crossing guard.
Kind of.
But I'm balling.
Kind of attire.
Um.
So yeah.
Chipped myself outside of a women's correctional facility.
Ah.
Oh.
That was miserable man.
And the hits have just kept coming man.
It's just been.
I've been babysitting my own ass.
For about three days now.
I'm sipping some Theraflu right now.
I'm hoping that whatever this is.
It just.
Uh.
It leaves me alone.
And I know that somebody else is going to catch this.
Once it leaves my body.
And I'm sorry.
You know.
I am sorry to be giving this back to the world.
But I can't live like this anymore.
Um.
It should be a crime.
It should be a crime.
If you get food poisoning or something.
That should be.
A crime.
You should be able to call the police.
Look.
I had a.
I had some bad cabbage.
Up at Larry's.
Salad shack.
I want to press charges.
You know.
Bullying.
Cops will do something for bullying.
But somebody.
Fucking.
You know.
Laces you with some.
Uh.
Some bad guacamole.
And you're on your own.
Oh.
There's just nothing worse man.
There's nothing.
Worse than uh.
Than that food poisoning.
Or something running through your body.
So that was part of my weekend man.
That was.
That was.
I mean.
This uh.
This uh.
Diaria.
You know.
There's a little Spanish for you.
This.
Diaria.
Oh.
Me amo.
Diaria.
No me gusta.
El fuego.
El fuego.
Para mi.
Hace.
There you go huh.
Putting the end of last year man.
Shutting down last year.
Shutting down last year.
Shutting down last year.
I'm glad last year was over.
A lot of celebrities dying there at the last minute.
Catching in that 2016.
They wanted to be in that number.
They wanted to be in that bubble.
Um.
I can't even remember.
Carrie Fisher died.
They got pissed at Steve Martin.
He tweeted something about it.
Fucking.
How are you going to get pissed at Steve Martin.
And here's the thing.
Nobody's really pissed at Steve Martin.
He tweeted something about it.
Fucking.
How are you going to get pissed at Steve Martin.
And here's the thing.
Nobody's really pissed at Steve Martin.
And here's the thing.
Nobody's really pissed at Steve Martin.
And here's the thing.
Nobody's really pissed at Steve Martin.
He tweeted something about it.
How are you going to get pissed at Steve Martin.
He tweeted something about it.
Fucking.
How are you going to get pissed at Steve Martin.
And here's the thing.
Nobody's really pissed.
Three people on Twitter.
Three fucking Muppets on Twitter.
Say something.
The media makes it out to be a big story.
My New Year's.
What I want for this year is.
I want all these major media outlets.
To quit all the fucking bullshit.
Start reporting news again.
And quit trying to divide people.
Nothing is more divisive than today's media man.
Every article is horrendous.
And you know.
Using Twitter as like a source.
And just.
It's bullshit.
It's bullshit man.
I mean.
They got people scared of the Russians now.
This is.
But you're scared of the Russians.
The Russians couldn't.
They couldn't get clean water to the Olympics.
People were sipping out of dirty water fountains.
And you think that.
What are they going to do.
What are they going to do.
They're not doing shit man.
Anyway.
If you still get your news.
From mainstream media.
You're out of your mind.
I think you are.
You're out of your mind.
Trust your heart.
Trust your instincts.
Look around.
See what's going on.
Because the media is a business man.
And it's a dirty dirty business dude.
Or listen to a podcast.
Listen to somebody you trust.
You know.
Listen to their opinion.
Because that's what's going on man.
Listen to what's going on in your area.
Because obviously.
People have different perspectives these days man.
I mean.
It's totally different.
When I'm in one part of the.
When I'm at home.
And when I'm out here in California.
It's different.
You know.
There's still.
It was nice to be home.
You see a lot of people.
We went to church.
We.
We spent a lot of family time together.
What do we do.
I got to.
I slept on the floor with my brothers.
So each morning.
The kids would wake me up.
You know.
They're down there sneaking around.
And just hiding.
Waiting to jump on you.
The second you open your eyes.
The second you open your eyes.
It was great man.
It was beautiful.
It was good times.
Good times.
Yeah.
So what else.
We got.
Watch the Saints game.
They suck.
I'm still.
You got to get rid of Sean Payton.
You can't let this guy continue to run this team.
It's just these people are taking the money.
Everybody's taking the money.
And running these days.
You know.
And it's hard to stand up.
And just do things the right way.
Make things fair.
It's hard to do.
You know.
We just live in an area.
In an era where that's not what's occurring.
You know.
You got these