Name: Theos magic set after Joey Diaz
Uploaded: 2017-01-03T23:45:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theos magic set after Joey Diaz' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theos magic set after Joey Diaz' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-03. Transcript available.

Theos magic set after Joey Diaz

Let's give it up for Theo Vaughn!
Y'all give it up for Hannah, huh?
I'd hit it, probably, huh?
I'd probably hit it, dawg, you know?
Eh, seemed like trouble, I'd fucking...
I'm yours, Hannah.
I ate some mushrooms, dude, so...
Fucking, there's your gardener right there, son.
But yeah, I'm not gonna do my usual set, because...
I don't fucking know what it is.
And I'm just gonna sit up here under these lights, because...
They're warm.
Like, that's how fucked up I am, man.
They are warm.
So...
I could be a fucking Cresserole at a Chevron right now, son.
You know what I'm saying? Let's get French.
Um...
Yeah, man, uh...
What else?
I'm voting for Donald Trump, man.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm not gonna look at Hillary's fucking face for four years.
Sorry.
She just looks like a liar to me.
I just look at her face, and she looks like a liar.
At least I would like her to say, "I'm lying."
At least Trump is like, "I'm fucking lying."
"Oh, good. All right, cool, man."
I'll follow this fucking blatant liar.
Rather than somebody playing lie and go seek, man.
You know?
And I'm in the 1%, man.
I'm making great money.
I just fucking...
I already feel bad driving past poor people.
I don't want to feel twice as bad in eight years.
You know?
'Cause it's only gonna get fucking better for me.
To be honest.
And I feel like at least with Trump, we'll fucking...
Maybe we go to war, dawg.
Bring it on, son.
Y'all like Game of Thrones, bruh.
But you know what I'm saying?
You like it in the sheets.
What about in the streets, dawg?
You know what I'm saying?
You're getting all Lannister.
Let's see what's really up.
See who the fuck you are in your fucking...
townhouse.
Yeah, I'm voting for Trump, dude.
I like video games.
I am, man.
I'm voting for fucking boredom.
Eight years of just...
living my comfortable fucking life.
Owning property and fucking just eating whatever I want.
No, man.
I'm sick of that, honestly.
I'm ready to get fucking gunned up, son.
Ready for a couple of fucking brothers to move in.
You know what I'm saying?
Let's turn up.
Let's let Nairobi in, dawg.
Yeah.
I'm ready to get hit by an arrow while I'm drinking coffee.
That's fucking G shit, dude.
We're such pussies over here, man.
We fucking tweeting about how we know so much.
We're fucking pussies, dawg.
One tribal warrior shows up, dude.
You'd be on your knees asking for God's help that you tweeted a half hour ago
that you don't even believe in anymore.
Fuck that shit, man.
I'm also high as fuck right now, dude.
But I also believe, I think, what I'm saying.
I don't even fucking know, dude.
This is a coffee house.
Oh fuck, this is supposed to be a comedy show, dude.
I forgot.
I just always get mad about everybody just making fun of Trump.
It's just the easiest.
It's like, we, not, not Yana.
I mean, Yana's a great impersonation.
He's a fucking superstar.
Every day, it's just so many comedians.
Like, Trump, fuck Trump.
I know, we get it, dawg.
You don't like him, dude.
We want to the next thing.
You know?
Anyway, man.
These gays, though, bruh.
Now, that is an issue, son.
We need to fucking build a wall around West Hollywood, dawg.
'Cause these motherfuckers are getting vibrant.
Gay dudes, they want you to accept everybody.
Unless you're fucking straight, dude.
They look at you like you're just an asshole, man.
They do, man.
Jesus, bruh.
They're so unaccepting, I feel like.
Gay dudes are unaccepting as fuck, man.
This dude, I did this shitty project the other day with this dude,
and he's trying to fuck me on text message, man.
I'm like, dude, this shit is...
You pay me $12.50 for a date, I ain't fucking at that rate.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, I'm doing butt kegels, but that's for a movie, son.
You know?
So...
Whatever, man.
Ugh.
What are we talking about?
Oh, these gays, dawg.
They're getting wild.
They're getting wild, man.
This dude came up to me the other day, had all this shit in the Easter baskets,
bruh.
What the fuck, dude?
You could be gay, dude, but you ain't Dorothy.
You know what I'm saying, bruh?
Get your life together, Judy Garland.
You know what I'm saying?
Get a GPS and put yourself in there, okay?
Because you are lost, dude.
He had all this stuff in the Easter baskets.
His money and his phone and everything in the Easter baskets.
Like, come on, bruh.
You past gay.
You on some space cock, daddy bear.
You out on some fucking space cock.
You a fucking animal.
You know?
If they got some super gays, man, if you keep driving down Santa Monica,
you end up in fucking Candy Land down there, bruh.
Bunch of adventure bears out there blowing each other off,
jerking each other out behind the donut shop, drying each other up.
You know what I'm saying?
Fucking emptying nut sacks out there behind the fucking Chevron.
You know what I'm talking about.
Fucking laugh or don't laugh.
Don't laugh with a fucking hand in your mouth, son.
Let your fucking voice out.
He was like...
It's okay to laugh, man.
You're good.
That's just God shaking you and making a sound with you at the same time.
It's beautiful.
But yeah, these gays, bruh, you hit that Chevron, dude, you start thinking you
gay.
You could even be with your girl, man.
Like, damn.
They just have a look in their eyes like they are sucking some really good dick
back there, you know?
Just looks electric.
The advertising alone in the crackhead's eyes out front is worth a lot of money,
man.
Because he's really just setting it off.
Like...
They sucking dick out here.
Like, the Jungle Book is back in his eyes, man.
Like, that's where they filmed the Jungle Book, but for sucking dick.
Whose drink is this, man?
Is that water?
This isn't water, huh?
Mmm.
It smells negative.
Uh...
It does, man.
Smells negative.
So, I'm probably gonna sit back down.
What are we talking about?
Oh, these fucking gays are out there, bruh.
You think I forgot?
Look at you trying to look happy and enjoyable, you know?
Trying to make you forget about these gays.
With your heterosexuality.
These gays is out there, dude.
They out there, and they sucking dicks!
Coming at you like fucking little dick snakes.
Dicks!
They fucking dick warriors, bruh.
This hair won't grow in very well.
They dick warriors, man.
They are.
Uh...
What were we talking about?
Let me get back to this shit, dude.
Uh...
Are y'all keeping secrets, dude?
You know them?
Uh...
Okay, you the villain, huh?
I get you, Voldemort.
I know what's up, you dark artist.
Trying to be all cavalier.
So...
What else, man?
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
My brother tried to fuck me when we were younger, bruh.
When we were children.
He did, son.
You thought I forgot about that shit, dude?
Nah...
Unforgettable.
Unforgettable.
If I can remember that shit, my brother tried to fuck me when we was younger.
We wasn't gays or nothing, we was children.
And, uh...
We was.
He was seven, I was five, and he just got early onset erections, I guess.
And I guess he knew he could kinda, he was like a problem solver.
And he would just try to hide him in my ass a little.
You know?
He did, bruh.
But we wasn't gays, we were just children.
And, uh...
And he grew up.
He got three kids now, man.
He's a youth pastor, he's a great man, he's extremely successful.
But, uh...
Yeah, he got early onset erections, he got hard in the front real early.
And, uh...
And he would try to fuck me a little bit.
For about a year and a half at our house.
So...
But this, I'll...
Oh, remember this, this is how I would stop him.
So, for my fourth birthday, I got a bag of Jingle Bells, you know?
And, uh...
I got them engraved with my initials on them, every one of them.
You know, it was a real special thing.
And, uh...
And I would just shake the bag when I would get happy, you know?
And, uh...
And at night, though, like I would get under the sheets, you know?
And to make sure he wasn't trying to, you know, get in my ass a little.
Because we shared a room, I didn't tell you that.
I didn't tell you a crucial fact, dude.
Crucial fucking fact, bro.
Investigators, y'all looking at him like you want information?
We shared a room.
I fucking forgot.
I just remembered I was a Pisces for some reason.
Uh...
I did.
I am.
I am, dude.
Uh, you don't care.
You don't care.
Uh, so this is how I would keep him off me.
At night, I would hide under the covers, you know?
And I would just, you know...
And I would take the little bag of Jingle Bells and I would start at the bottom
by my feet.
And I'd put one on each side of the fucking...
of my bed sheet going up.
You know, all the way up.
You know, like a little alarm system.
You know, all the way up to the top.
And then I would just sprinkle a couple of JBs up here by my neck.
And then if he tried to...
If I heard a Christmas sound, that meant he was trying to do sex.
And sometimes I would think I would hear one, but it was just a seasonal memory.
But yeah, he tried to fuck me for a little while, man, at the house.
So...
What else, man?
He had a bunch of, uh...
Uh...
My friend growing up, he had Down Syndrome, right?
Uh...
But they never got the paperwork done on him.
So he just had it, you know, just freelance.
Uh...
He did.
Because his mom was a drunk, she never got the papers done on him.
You know?
And she said he didn't even have it.
We're like, "He has Down Syndrome."
She's like, "No, he don't.
He's Irish."
We're like, "He ain't fucking..."
"Irish?"
Nobody's that Irish.
That's like...
That's like 700% Irish.
He was, man.
He was a fucking asshole, too, dude.
I don't know if you know a lot of DS kids or not, man, but...
We used to fucking party together, man.
We used to drink.
He started drinking early, man.
And, uh...
Like, this was after my brother tried to fuck me when my brother got over that.
And I started making friends outside of the house.
Um...
Because I went through, like, this whole battered spouse thing by the age of
nine.
But, uh...
But, yeah.
This kid named Dairy, his name was Dairy, named after the food group.
He was named after the food group.
He was, man.
Yogurt and all.
And, uh, he had Down Syndrome, bruh.
We still have $1,100, man, for fucking up this Ramada, bruh.
We used to party in there in the lobby.
Yeah, we used to just get drunk and it was the only place that really had the
lights on at night.
So we'd just get in there and drink in the fucking lobby until they called the
police on us.
And we broke a bunch of plant pots in there.
You know?
And Dairy died, he actually drowned in Hurricane Katrina.
He died, but, uh...
And I thought they wouldn't make us pay after that.
You know?
I mean, come on, dude.
But they still hit us up $1,100, man.
So I'm trying to split it with his estate right now.
It's kind of fucked up.
But look, dude.
You gotta pay the piper at the end, son.
You know?
I don't know if you...
I don't care if you're coming up light or not.
You know?
If you're coming up light, you gotta pay the piper, man.
Oh.
What else happened, man?
I'll tell you this shit, dude.
Oh.
My fucking lips are soft, dog.
They are.
I'm a human.
I'm a human person.
I'm okay.
Yeah, I'm alright.
I'm gonna tell you what else, dude.
Um...
So...
Uh...
They used to call me the nigga bus when I was younger, bro.
And I know a fucking...
It's kind of a crazy story, but here's what happened.
Hear me out.
Um...
I used to ride my bike through the black neighborhood to get to school.
My black friend would get on top.
He would sit on the handlebars.
He was, like, 11 feet tall.
And, um...
And then after a while, when I would come to the neighborhood, he started
calling me the nigga bus.
And then everybody would yell, "Here comes the nigga bus."
And then everybody would get on.
And I would bike everybody to school.
Like, as many, like, darker kids as you could imagine.
You know?
Three was the most I could really get there.
And one on somebody's back.
So, four.
But, uh, yeah.
I had fucking huge quads.
Beautiful legs as a child.
But, uh...
And I'd show up with all the kids that missed the regular bus.
You know?
Here it comes.
Uh...
And then I used to go over to my friend's house.
He was darker than me.
Um...