Name: 1-09-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #4
Uploaded: 2017-01-09T10:52:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-09-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #4' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-09-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #4' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-09. Transcript available.

1-09-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #4

Uh oh. Uh oh uh oh uh oh. Yeah yeah. Yeah yeah. We them boys. Hula. Hula holla.
Nice. We holla holla.
What's up guys? That's a little bit of Wiz Khalifa bringing us in here. It's uh
it's 1am. It is it is Monday morning 1am. Golden Globes just went down. This is
this past weekend man. I'm gonna get into it. I'm gonna get into a little bit
of everything.
I'm gonna talk. We got a sleepy Uber driver who fell asleep at the wheel. Uh
who was gonna fall asleep at the wheel. So he let his passenger drive. He falls
asleep in the back seat. Uh and next thing you know he wakes up.
He wakes up and he's in a high speed chase. Now he's suing Uber. I got a cup of
hot coffee right here. I got um. I got uh. What else? We'll talk. I'll check in.
Had a little bit of adult sex.
You know. Had some adult sex this uh this weekend. You know. Doing that. You
know. Um. So that was interesting. Uh. What else happened man? Had some great
comedy sets. Larry David was at the Laugh Factory the other night.
Um. We'll talk about the Golden Globes a little bit. And uh. And what else man?
The guy. The gun. They had the gunman in Fort Lauderdale. Jeez. I fly in and
out of there man. That was. That was nuts. But uh. But right now. We're right
here. It's uh. It's. It's. It's. It's us man. This past weekend dude.
Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Boys. That's Wiz Khalifa. Weed and
boys man. I'm I'm amazed. That guy's always high. Wiz Khalifa. Always high. Uh.
I don't know how they do it. You know. Black guys. So good. At smoking weed. So
much better. I feel like. My black friends always. They can get high. Do
regular life. I get high.
Not doing regular life man. Incapacitated. In high school. I remember I would
go out with my friends. I'd get high. I would lay in the car all night. We
would go to parties. I would be in the car. Asleep. My big thing used to be to
urinate in people's trunks. Or in like uh. This one guy in high school. His dad
used to sell sunglasses. And I would always urinate on all of his uh. Samples.
Oh. God. I feel bad about that. Yeah. I would urinate on the dad's samples.
I don't know what was that man I used to urinate on everything um but I'm
feeling better this week
last week I had that flu that stomach virus that's gone out of my system uh so
that feels good if
you're sick man hold it together hold it together sue whoever gave it to you
sue whoever gave it to
you um yeah so let's crack right into it man uh yeah this news story
unbelievable to me sleepy
uber driver suing everyone okay there's a guy a driver he fell asleep he was
falling asleep at the
wheel so he let um he let his passenger drive he asked him to drive it was a
long trip out of new
york uh and then um the driver robinson was the guy's name awoke somewhere
around binghamton new york to
find his good samaritan passenger carlos 20 speeding on interstate 81 robinson
begged his passenger to pull
over but carlos responded the police are chasing us oh who for i don't even
know what what kind of uber
driver i guess you get tired yeah hey you want to take the wheel that's that's
teamwork actually i mean
it's a little bit of teamwork but that's that's alarming to me you know i think
at that point you
pull over and you let the guy get another uber if you can't handle the game you
know i don't you're
not a real uber driver if you can't handle the responsibility you know a boxer
isn't in the middle
of his fight and he's like ah you know i'm just kind of not doing well i'm not
winning why don't we let
uh somebody else who feels like fighting right now fight you don't do that so
this is unbelievable to
me the car was completely totaled the hyundai sonata um they totaled the car
smashed into a guardrail
in colesville new york uh robinson lost his driver job carlos was charged with
unlawfully fleeing a police
officer and uh and there you go that's it so if you're having a shitty monday
at least it's not
that shitty huh at least you're not either one of those guys you know i
remember in uh and i used to
fall asleep at the wheel all the time i don't know what i think i might have
beaten narcolepsy at some
point because when i was um i remember when i was a student driver i had to
drive somewhere and at some
point i just told the dude bro i'm falling asleep he's like it's four in the
afternoon i'm like yeah well
when nap time calls bro you know dormirse you know it's time for daddy to duerme
um and he let me rest
in the back seat he took me home i didn't fail i'm still driving today another
time i fell asleep at
a stoplight madisonville louisiana a cop wakes me up he goes did you call in a
report about two wolves
fighting in the street and i was i mean i was you know i i i was just baffled i'm
like i i no i you
know i didn't i didn't do that i'm i was bummed that i missed that you know i
fell asleep i fell
asleep at the wheel dude and according to somebody who called the police two
wolves were fighting wolves
never saw a wolf in louisiana ever but somebody called him into the police two
wolves fighting at
an intersection unbelievable man so here we are bros this is it it's monday
morning trying to think of
what's going on this past weekend was good man it was good um spent some time
with friends uh
i'll give you a little uh emotional update i'm feeling pretty good um i think i'm
30 what am i some
so many days off of the pornography let me check in right here and see i'm a
decent amount of days
off the pornography i got my little porn clock on my phone i am uh 33 days
pornography free
feeling good feeling feeling feeling heavy in the cack you know it's coming in
it's coming in because
you get desensitized you get desensitized about the pornography man i was you
know and i wasn't like
a crazy but i just i think just like any other dude you know you come home at
night you're single maybe
you tap into the internet the internet's there it's waiting for you it's
waiting for anything you want
to get nasty naughty you want to gamble you want to bet on hookers you want to
do whatever you want
the internet so i'm off of that man i'm off of that uh 33 days and feeling
pretty good man feeling
pretty heavy in the heavy in the cack these days fired up you know i don't know
why i got into porn
when i think about it i remember the first time i ever saw any pornography my
brother um i remember in
his closet i found some pornography magazines and uh and some um peach alizade
that was a
liqueur and next nine minutes later bro i was uh i was drunk and exhausted that's
all i remember dude
spraying out like a young buck uh and that's really i guess where i started any
experience of pornography
and then you know when you're not you're not uh in a relationship or something
you kind of stick with
it i guess here and there i don't know but i'm off it feels good if you're
having an issue with it man
take a break you know take a break bro let your brain let your imagination key
up a little bit
let your imagination fire up
i got some coffee i'm gonna throw some dates at you really quick uh february 26th
through 29th i'm
coming to virginia beach funny bone um i'll be at the schaumburg improv in chicago
february 2nd through
the 4th last time i was there i saw mr t preach at a church i pity the fool who
don't find jesus
i'll be at the comedy works south in denver uh the 23rd through the 26th of february
dude i did an
open mic tonight stopped by the improv to pick up some footage from a show the
other night
where i headlined a show and they had open mic going on there's like 40 young
comics in there
they're drawing names out of a hat and uh uh jamie and page the people who run
the place over at the
comedy at the improv they're like do you want to go up and i was like no way i
was so nervous i mean i
just it took me back to whenever i first started comedy and actually first did
my first set on that
every stage at the improv but i was so nervous man so i sat there for about 15
minutes and watched the
young guys do it and then i got up i got up tried some new bits some new
thoughts um what else my
buddy got bit by a gay guy my buddy got bit by a gay guy dude uh so i guess
there's a public service
announcement up there by la brea and uh la brea boulevard and in santa monica
boulevard
uh filipino dude huge legs big quads open mouth if you see that dude you know
uh he's out there
bit my buddy good he got bit by a gay guy so we'll see what happens man um we'll
see how that shakes out
oh what else sleepy uber driver it reminded me of a time i went to school in
charleston south carolina
uh and i used to spend some time over there i actually hitchhiked up there
chasing a girl
um not like a stalker chasing a girl but you know i was in love i was in young
love my girlfriend had
broken up with me so i knew she was there and i hitchhiked i was at a sailing
regatta in biloxi
mississippi some people said they lived in charleston i said you got an extra
seat and 14 hour car ride
later in a suburban brother i showed up middle of the night i remember i i even
what this is stalkery
now now that i'm reciting it obviously i walked to my girlfriend where i knew
she lived because uh
we've been corresponding via mail uh
ah those are the days dude love letters uh corresponding via mail i walked to
where she
lived it's like two in the morning because we got in really late and i'm
standing out on her porch
had a cat there i'm petting this cat uh and it hit me like dude you gotta you
need to get your act
together because you this girl doesn't know you're here you're standing on her
porch petting a cat you
don't even know if it's her cat and she didn't like me anymore so that was kind
of a wake-up call
that was a little bit alarming you know so if you ever been in that scenario um
i feel it i feel you
you know i feel you i feel how it can happen it can happen bro we all got a
little stalker in us
you ever done some stalker stuff you ever done some stalker stuff let me know
man uh so this podcast
i'm putting it out uh this past weekend it's just you know it's developmental
last week it people told
me the audio the volume is too low try to turn the volume up okay so i'm trying
that um what else
they told me uh to stick with it so i'm trying that uh we're gonna get to a
point where we we're gonna
have video as well we're gonna have maybe some call-ins uh maybe some guests
but we're just
starting out so if you have any uh thoughts ideas um whatever whatever let me
know you know i don't
know how to get better without help you know that's where i'm at in my life the
only way i'm gonna get
better is if people help me so if you got some thoughts throw them my way
golden globes were on
um i watched the intro uh i watched some sporadic spots throughout it uh the
intro was awesome i
thought it was exciting uh i thought jimmy fallon did a good job um they the
big thing on the internet
is the meryl streep speech about uh trump and about the you know uh diversity
and this and that i
personally i'm oh i'm just sick of holly i mean this was you know a bunch of
well well-to-do people
really patting each other on the back you know in this beautiful event at the
beverly hilton and
i i you know i don't want to hear about that stuff i don't want to hear about
it i'm honestly kind
of sick of everybody just like we get it like if you're the guy you do or the
lady you want it didn't
win we get it but what you know just there's there's bigger issues there's real
issues that people are
facing you know i mean it's not like trump's blown up the white house or but
you know so and they keep
bringing up all this russia stuff fuck russia dude russia was they were giving
out dirty water at the
olympics that seems like more of an issue you know that seems like more of an
issue to me but no
people want to you know mainstream media it's just bizarre it's baffling to me
um i was happy to see
the hate crime that people uh labeled that as a hate crime that they had the
four um they had the four
people beating up the retarded kid or 