Name: 1-16-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #5
Uploaded: 2017-01-16T10:29:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-16-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #5' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-16-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #5' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-16. Transcript available.

1-16-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #5

You know what that is, don't you?
You know what that is?
That's a Little House on the Prairie theme song, baby.
The Daniel Kane Orchestra.
Remember that?
Let's hear that intro again, dude.
Ah.
That dirty, what is that, a trumpet, a horn?
That's it.
That is it.
The Little House on the Prairie theme song.
God, that was a good one.
One of my favorite shows of all time.
Some people know that, some people don't.
Now you know it.
Michael Landon, bruh.
I bring this to you.
It is January 16th.
It's 1240 AM.
I had a show tonight at the Hollywood Improv.
And afterwards, I had a fan of mine, a friend, I say a friend, a lady that I've
met through comedy, brought me two shirts as a gift.
One of them had, you know who, your boy, Michael Landon on the front, beautiful
shirt, dude, some type of cotton, black cotton or something.
And another shirt, it said, all day I dream about Michael Landon, now that one
might be a little bit of a reach, but still, you gotta love Michael Landon.
I grew up watching The Little House on the Prairie, it was like the only time
my brothers and sisters and I would sit together in sheer joy was in the
morning.
It came on every morning on TBS, and it still does, actually.
It might come on in the afternoons now, but it came on every morning, Little
House on the Prairie.
If you don't know the show, it's about a man and his children, and they're just
doing their best, bruh.
They're doing their best.
And I loved it, dude.
We would sit there and watch it.
We would fight to be in front of the TV.
We had like this 12-inch color TV.
I think it was color.
I don't remember.
I was a kid, so even if it's black and white when you're a kid, you can imagine
there's color there.
But man, we would sit and watch the episodes.
I found an episode here online.
The first season, first episode, Little House on the Prairie.
The episode called A Harvest of Friends, bruh.
I'm going to read to you the synopsis of it.
The original air date, September 11, 1974.
In the first episode of season one, the Ingalls, that's the family, settle on
the banks of Plum Creek.
Charles asks the Olsons for credit to buy a plow and seed, but they explain
they can only offer credit to farmers they've known for a long time.
Dun, dun, dun.
Charles ends up making a deal with Mr. O'Neill.
In exchange for a plow and seed, Charles agrees to repair O'Neill's roof and
stack his grain within three weeks.
After completing the roof, Charles decides to take the family on an all-day
picnic to make up for the time he's spent working.
Unfortunately, he falls out of a tree while trying to retrieve a kite.
Oh, that kite hustle.
Oh, that kite hustle.
Oh, that kite hustle.
And breaks his ribs.
O'Neill assumes Charles won't be able to stack the grain and takes the oxen a
day early.
Losing the oxen, bruh.
Charles can't afford to lose the oxen and tries to stack the grain with broken
ribs.
He collapses.
And then Laura and Mary start stacking the grain.
Dr. Baker, Mr. Hanson, and Mr. Olsen and other townspeople see the girls
struggling and team up to stack all the grain, allowing Charles to keep his oxen.
That's teamwork, bruh.
That's family, man.
You can't stack the grain.
You can't get the job done.
Your neighbors come to help you, bruh.
That's what I loved.
I think that's what I loved about it, man.
Just seeing, like, camaraderie and teamwork.
Because it wasn't like that in my neighborhood, dude.
Bruh, I remember.
Man, I remember.
First time I ever pulled up into my neighborhood, bruh.
Growing up.
Because my parents got divorced.
First, I ended up in this shitty neighborhood.
And the first day we got there, this man, these two grown men, this man, this
older man, he was a senior citizen.
He was fighting a bus driver.
They were fighting in the street, a school bus driver.
School bus driver, he didn't wear a shirt.
You know, he chose not to wear shirts or just didn't do shirts.
But they were fighting.
And they had a ditch fire going.
And a ditch fire, instead of, you know, waiting for somebody to come and get
your trash, people would just burn all their trash in the ditch.
You know, it's, I mean, I guess it could have created some carbon monoxide
issues or, you know, it could have affected the environment.
I don't know, we didn't have an environment.
So, anyway, the bus driver threw this old dude into the ditch fire, bruh.
The old dude, everybody's like, you know, going over to try to help.
But then this old dude, bruh, gets wiry.
Because, you know, old dude's got old dude strength.
This dude just got up out of the fire.
His arm was still burning.
He had flames coming off his back.
And he went and attacked the dude again, bruh.
Attacked the bus driver.
And that was the first day I ever spent in my neighborhood.
When I saw that shit, I was like, damn, man.
We're fucked.
My family is fucked.
So, yeah, that was my old neighborhood.
So, I think when I saw things like Little House on the Prairie with, like,
camaraderie.
They had a doctor, if you got hurt.
Like, they had a dude in my neighborhood that got hurt.
He broke his clavicle, right?
Or his collarbone or wishbone.
And he just, his shirt never fit the same.
It just, he didn't, nobody took him to a doctor.
He just, his shirt never fit right again.
You know, one of his, he had kind of that slope coming in.
A little bit on the left.
I mean, he couldn't, you couldn't, he couldn't keep a raindrop on his shoulder.
That's for damn sure.
So, anyway, man, I guess I loved Little House on the Prairie.
And tonight, somebody bought me this Michael Landon t-shirt.
I put it up on my Instagrams.
It was cool, man.
It was just nice.
It was like a nice thing I didn't expect.
You know, that's nice when something happens.
It's unexpected.
That's a beautiful thing.
I got to remember to try to do that more often for other people.
I'll just do something nice, you know.
Dude, I always wanted to break into somebody's house and install an alarm.
That used to be like kind of this idea of mine.
Like, I'm going to break in and install an alarm.
But then I thought, what if you break in, somebody's there, you get shot up.
Then, you can't be like, you know, don't shoot me.
I'm here to put in an alarm.
I just don't know if they would buy it.
So, maybe I'm just going to sit on that idea, bro.
I'm going to sit on that idea.
But ring the good idea bell because that is a good idea.
That is a good idea.
Good to chat with you or be here.
It is Monday, January 16th.
It's actually Sunday night.
I haven't gone to bed yet.
It is 1248 a.m. Pacific Standard Time.
And I had a pretty good weekend, man.
What did you do?
What did you do?
I know you watched some football probably, huh?
Did you watch some football?
There's a lot of good games on, man.
I threw a little wager down.
I bet on today's games.
I bet Pittsburgh.
I took Pittsburgh in a point.
And I bet Green Bay would win.
That was a game, huh?
What about that footwork by Aaron Rodgers?
He barely even separates his legs.
He's just like a little dancer out there.
He's just like a little.
He's just like a little.
He's just kind of like.
He's like a little like Billy Elliot.
You know?
He's like Billy Elliot from that British movie, you know?
I'm not a poof, dad.
It's about a young gentleman.
His father thinks that he's homosexual because he wants to dance.
But he's not, you know?
Or he may be.
Who knows?
It doesn't really go all into that.
But he just wants to be a dancer, man.
And I'll be honest with you.
I think I could have been a dancer, bro.
I mean, there are days, dude, when I get.
When my feet just feel light.
You know?
And I really feel like I could have made a name for myself in some of those.
You know?
Some of those circles.
Some of those dancing circles.
I just didn't have the support when I was younger emotionally to tell me it's
okay to get out there and dance, you know?
I just didn't have it, man.
I didn't have it.
So, if you got a kid that wants to dance, get him some dancing shoes, man.
You know?
I could still tap dance.
Actually, I met a guy yesterday who was an adult tap dancer.
He was dressed like he was from Boardwalk Empire, kind of.
So, that was a little bit squirrely.
But he's an adult tap dancer.
And I talked to him about it a little bit.
I will say it did seem a little strange when he just started just dropping feet
everywhere.
Like, he would just break into some, you know, just fancy footwork.
So, maybe it's not for me.
I don't know.
It felt like, Jesus Christ, somebody fucking, you know, get this dude a Game
Boy or something.
You know?
Somebody get this guy a PlayStation 6 or something.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But, yeah, Green Bay won that game, huh?
What a game.
Both games.
Dude, and then the Dallas fans, I don't know if you heard this, Dallas fans,
they had a bunch of severe storms in the area and tornadoes.
Some of them had to stay.
They weren't allowed to leave the stadium.
And that's obviously the last ones, the most inebriated ones.
They're stuck in there.
Media.
All the media was stuck in there.
Some of the players were stuck there.
So, apparently, they were all just hanging out in the middle of the field.
I bet that was pretty interesting, you know?
I'd be pissed, though, you know?
You're starving.
Your team lost.
$14 hot dogs.
That's all they got for sale.
You know, the cheerleaders are all fully dressed now.
I'm out.
Jerry Jones probably just offered them, like, some cups of water or something,
you know?
Nothing fancy.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I watched that game.
It was good, man.
That Pittsburgh game looked cold, didn't it?
Oh.
Those guys look freezing cold.
I don't know if I could do it.
I'm at the age now where I think I've given up.
Like, there were years where I would watch football and be like, ah, I could be
out there.
Even though I never played football.
I never played it.
I played it at home.
You know, we played three times a week in our neighborhood.
I never played organized football.
We didn't have health insurance, so I was always afraid, you know, of getting
jacked up.
I'd just be that dude, you know, I'd be like frickin' the dude with a bad clavicle,
you know?
The dude that can't hold a raindrop on his shoulder, bro.
I didn't want to be like that.
You know, they had another man in our town, the Elvis impersonator.
I think I told this story, actually.
But he broke his leg, and they set it in cement.
To save money, and it healed up fine.
But then when they broke the cast, when they re-broke the cast, they broke it
with a sledgehammer and re-broke his leg and hip in about seven places.
This dude, he was an Elvis impersonator.
I think I mentioned that.
Anyway, man, what else is going on?
Jimmy Snooker died.
Jimmy Superfly Snooker.
I don't know if you knew this guy or not.
He was a wrestler.
He was a rassler.
He was a rassler.
Professional rassler.
Dude, before I forget this, I was in the airport one time.
I saw Evander Holyfield, the boxer, right?
Famous boxer.
Got his ear bit off by Mike Tyson.
I saw him in the airport in Chicago a few years ago, and he was sitting at a
McDonald's, and the McDonald's had a front porch.
It had like a little outlet that you could sit there, and it kind of jutted out
into the terminal walkway.
So I'm walking along, and I see Evander Holyfield's.
He's just sitting there, and he's got a bunch of fries, man.
Fries only.
Nothing else, just fries.
And he was taking these fries.
He was taking these fries and just shoving them into his mouth.
And he couldn't even open his mouth.
I don't know if he'd just been punched so many times.
Or maybe he could open his mouth.
He was just tired.
You know, I've never been so tired that I didn't open my mouth when I was
putting food in it.
I guess you could just shove food through your freaking, you know, through your
freaking flap curtain lips.
But he was just shoving fries through his lips.
Like, it was like, kind of like at the, um, whenever you get your luggage at an
airport, if you miss the luggage,
and it just goes back through those black curtains, you