Name: 1-23-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #6
Uploaded: 2017-01-23T16:07:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-23-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #6' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-23-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #6' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-23. Transcript available.

1-23-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #6

there it is
there it is
there it is guys
got a new prezzy in
it's monday
january 23rd
and that is hail to the chief
that's the song they play man
probably cop that from the native americans
back in the day
i wonder if that burns them a little
you know hail to the chief
knowing that uh
you know that honestly probably a lot of whites took their land
and a lot of europeans i'm betting
a lot of time it's just really generalized that whites did it
but i'm betting there were a lot of europeans there on horses as well
i got some tea
uh i'm not feeling that that well
um i don't know what i got i just got like a kind of a head just fluish kind of
thing i think
i'm trying to i think i had this homeless dude right and you know i respect the
homeless bruh
um you know i've i've lived in some shitty places i've never lived i slept in a
ball pit one night uh
actually when i first got to la the first couple of nights i was here a buddy
of mine and i uh were looking for a place right
we're looking for an apartment so uh we didn't have a place to sleep we didn't
have a place to sleep so what we did was uh at night we would
jump over the fence at the mcdonalds off of wilshire boulevard uh here in los
angeles and we would sleep in the ball pit you know the play uh the play area
we would sleep in the ball pit right so the first night we're in there you know
and it's cool it's kind of uh it was a little cold it was a little cold but you
get under the balls it's not as bad you know your body heat kind of builds up
and we were wearing a lot of extra winter you know attire uh
uh it was a little cold it was a little cold but you get under the balls it's
not as bad you know your body heat kind of builds up and we were wearing a lot
of extra winter you know attire uh then the second night same thing we're in
there and during the day we're checking out seedy places and you know trying to
figure out what we can get approved for uh to get a lease the third night we're
in the pit uh you know we jump in after they shut down they shut at 11 get out
of there at 5
and uh and uh and we're talking we're in the ball pit and uh all of a sudden
there's like an asian dude on the slot from the slide we hear a guy say hey can
you guys keep it down out there there was another guy sleeping on the on the
plastic slide that came down into the ball pit so uh i mean i think it was an
asian dude he sounded asian could have been a guy with a lisp or with um you
know uh what else could he have had maybe
a part of his tongue was damaged or something but he sounded asian sounded like
an asian gentleman uh so so i guess i have been a little bit homeless that's as
homeless as i've been but outside of that i've lived in some real shitholes uh
grew up in a shithole um but anyway i i borrowed a homeless guy was like you
know doing raps and i respect that you know it's something you know you gotta
come up i've never really heard of a guy going from homeless to you know to um
to pop sensation but
but it could happen and so the dude he gave me his headphones like listen to
this listen to this hit
you know it's got to be of course it's a hit bro i haven't even heard it
you know let me judge that um but anyway he put his headphone he gave me his
headphones and i put them in my ears
and that i think was the bad move because after that i just felt
my brain and my head and everything i just felt squirrely so
so i just shouldn't have borrowed uh shouldn't have borrowed that dude's
headphones
so that's just a note for the future you know don't use
you know use your own headphones don't go
don't borrow a homeless guy's headphones
anyhow uh it's january 23rd
hail to the chief
hail to the chief
uh this chief what have i been up to man
been feeling okay man some indecisiveness recently
um we're gonna get into a couple of things in a minute
into some of the news
i'm gonna talk about uh a little bit of sensuality
give you guys a little sensual report on you know some sensual stuff i've been
going through and dealing with
uh what else we'll talk about
uh we got a request from a fan via snapchat
uh we have
i promised you guys i'd talk about uh some oral
you know different oral sensual activities that i had when i was younger
um and a couple more sounds i got a few more sounds i just
kind of went through my brain and found some sounds that i make so
that's what's on the docket uh
what man i was feeling indecisive i had a
you know i didn't
i get in this thing where like i'm hungry but i don't have any food
you know and i have money to get food
you know i'm thankful for that but
so i'm at the grocery store you know i finally get you know give in to my
desires of my stomach and i get over there
and they got the yogurts bruh right
i'm in the yogurt section and um and i like the dairy section man i'm a dairy
guy you know i'm lactose intolerant but i'm brave
you know i get out there and those you know i mean you're out in those fart
streets a lot of times bro if you choose to do dairy
and if your system isn't really you know isn't you know doesn't have the
proper gradient uh for dairy you know you can kind of you kind of can live in
those fart streets so they got the yogurts dude and the uh
the yogurts it was uh it was eight for four dollars
now that's a deal bruh that's a deal
you know and the problem was i start picking them out
and i just get bit by something that always plays me as i'm indecisive
you know and i know one of the one of the one of the
one of the cornerstones of a real champion human and of a good man is that
you know he's decisive and i'm trying to be more decisive
you know i know that i struggle with it and i want to do it better you know i
want
to make decisions better but they got
eight for four dollars but they got they got 30 flavors of yogurt
you know like when i was young they had two flavors they had blueberry
and they had strawberry bruh you know and then they also had nothing that was
the
third flavor remember that you ever accidentally get the nothing flavor
you know like you would get and you open it up you think it's blueberry or
strawberry but it's nothing bruh it just tastes like a like a like a bucket of
milk just gestated into your mouth you know
uh that was really disheartening when my mom would let us pick out a yogurt and
we got the wrong one so anyway i'm standing there it's eight
it's eight for four dollars fifty cents a pop
you know i'm i'm in i'm in they hooked me with the deal
they hooked me with the literature right there on the little thing
eight for four dollars but i can't i i can't like right out of the gate i get
two vanillas bruh because i do vanilla yogurts
i got two vanillas but then the flavors start getting a little bit squirrely
they have uh key lime pie huh i'm not you know i don't think i'm ready for
that um so i picked up i copped a couple of
cherries because that reminded me of uh of when i was young as well cherry was
like a new flavor and everybody went berserkers for that
um uh i copped a blueberry even though i didn't like it
you know we ate a lot of blueberry yogurt when i was young and it just made me
you know maybe i had a bad experience i guess uh but it just i don't know
it just made me feel it makes me feel poor when i eat blueberry yogurt makes me
feel a little bit tender um they had lemon burst i'm not doing
that okay i think that's for you know it's special type of man maybe
um you know might be for a woman that's just got a divorce or something i don't
know but i'm not doing lemon burst right so
so i got a couple vanillas i got the cherry i got the blueberry
and uh and i'm just sifting through these other flavors dude and they just
started getting bizarre that gingerbread
i don't think we need it uh and i ended up copping actually a couple of basic
limes because i had lime once before regular lime
not the key lime pie but it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth maybe
you know if i don't know if maybe i've been smoking cigarettes at the time or
maybe i'd just been in a bad mood when i ate it so i copped a couple of limes
but
literally i'm standing there i've been at the thing for probably 15 minutes man
picking out you know trying to get my selection to eat yogurts
uh so i think what i'm saying here is that i could never be president
unless i get better at picking out yogurts man so anyway that's where i'm at i
guess i'm feeling
kind of indecisive there was a lot of rain today uh one of the hollywood hills
kind of
slid into the street so you know maybe a couple of you know probably some
wealthy people
you know probably lost some very expensive pets or something i have no clue
what occurred
you know probably some thirty thousand dollar rose bushes you know came down
into the uh
into where us pleons live
but that was going on man that's where i'm at just feeling a little bit indecisive
um
but yeah we got a new president the new president's in i thought the inauguration
was cool i never
watched it before i think i'm just getting older now where you start to kind of
tune into those things
uh because eventually you get old and just furious about politics and then you
die you know that's how
how it kind of works for most seniors um i thought melania uh the the new first
lady looked beautiful
man i thought she looked nice in that dress um or i don't know if that's called
a dress or not but
like this you know light blue smock um and i thought it was cool the little kid
man the kid baron
just to be like a kid and you're standing up that had to be so bizarre uh i
just kept kind of wondering
what was going through his head like does he even you know realize the mag you
know the magnif the
the size of this event does he have any idea uh i thought that was pretty cool
to see the kid and
there's one point there's a video out there if you haven't seen it where his
mom tells him to do
something and he likes makes like this cat hands at her dude uh so i'm looking
forward to that guy that
little kid getting in the white house and you know burning some curtains or who
knows what he's gonna
do i mean that guy's gonna go that kid's gonna go through pervity in the white
house bro i mean
anything is possible so i'm really intrigued to see how it shakes down for a
little baron
um what else what else is in the news we have violent weather here uh the most
rain we've had a
lot of bad weather out in uh in georgia people died you know that's ah that's
heartbreaking
man when you because usually a lot of times tornado like tornadoes are just
they're kind of uh they're like serial killers for poor people like they just
attack the poor
you know i mean i don't know why people continue to build their homes in these
alleys
where these tornadoes frequent you know i can understand you want to get ballsy
and get out
there and go toe to toe with a tornado bro um i actually had a nato experience
bro i went
i went toe to toe with a nato um i'm popping a couple of uh you hear me chewing
that's a couple of
what are these melatonin gummy bears they got little gummies and they help your
brain rest at night
because i got a active brain my brain's active that's what they said when i was
a child a lot of my
children reports from school said active brain strong heart got the heart of a
lesbian my father always
told me that when i was young i told me i got the heart of a lesbian which was
always kind of uh kind
of stuck with me i had an old dad some of you guys don't know my dad was 70
years old when i was born
my dad was born in 1910 uh he was uh he was a missionary from nicaragua um so
anyway what are we
talking about let me get back to what i'm talking about i'm talking about oh
the tornadoes just going
at poor people uh and i had an experience i was working on a farm when i was
when i was just out of
college in the summer times i would work on a farm um on the louisiana mississippi
border and that was
right off of uh faraday and vidalia louisiana and that's where jerry lee lewis
is from right around
there goodness gracious grea