Name: 1-30-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #7
Uploaded: 2017-01-30T14:12:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-30-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #7' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '1-30-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #7' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-01-30. Transcript available.

1-30-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #7

Yeah, they come, right there.
Mmm.
Mmm.
People get ready.
There's a train coming.
You don't need no baggage.
You just get on board.
All you need is faith to heal the diesel's heart.
You don't need no ticket.
You just thank the Lord.
People get ready for a train to join me.
What's going on?
What's going on, huh?
You little cinnamon dick tip.
What y'all up to, huh?
You little oyster perverts, huh?
You out there playing with your seashells, aren't you?
Aren't you?
You out there playing with your seashells, aren't you, huh?
People get ready.
That's it.
That's the blind boys of Alabama right there.
People get ready.
People get ready for the train with your team.
Blind boys of Alabama, man.
You got to check them out if you haven't.
I mean, the title of them says it enough, man.
Blind boys.
So that's men, no sight in their eyes, of Alabama, man.
So the simple fact that there are blind men even doing well in Alabama, that's
beautiful.
Making amazing music, man.
They got a choir.
They travel everywhere.
Well, not a choir.
They're a group.
You know, they're a...
They make albums, dude.
They make albums.
What's up, guys?
It's...
It is, actually.
It's 4.15 in the morning.
It is Monday, January 30th, 2017.
And this is, this past weekend, I am in Virginia Beach.
And it's cold, man.
It's been cold here.
Can't even get outside.
Can't even get my feelings, you know.
Because that coldness just...
Like, right when you get outside, that coldness, for me, starts in my neck.
That coldness gets in my neck.
And just...
Then it creeps up, like, right back behind my jawline.
And kind of just gets, like, starts to slither inside of my ears.
And that's where the coldness starts to get me.
And then I start to feel...
I feel defeated quickly.
I would not survive in the elements, man.
I would not.
If there were a plane crash, I better crash in...
In Cancun, you know.
Maybe Curacao.
Brazil.
I could do a plane crash from Brazil, you know.
A chow.
But yeah, if I crashed in the Arctic, dude.
I would...
I would perish, bro.
I would perish.
You know.
In fact, if I even...
I might start packing a little headstone in my travel bag.
That's not a bad idea.
That wouldn't be bad for an airport gift shop item.
Get you a little headstone that would survive any type of predicament.
Crash, crash, drown, you know.
Light fire.
Because it's going to be expensive to get one that could really survive a heavy
fire.
Extremely flame retardant stuff is pretty expensive.
But yeah, get you something that could survive some light catastrophe.
And get you a little headstone shop.
Because some people...
Some people, that's all you want.
You know.
You just want to make it easy on your loved ones when you pass away.
Some of us, that's all.
That's our only...
We don't want to cause too much of a ruckus, you know.
We just want to make it easy.
That way, you're right there.
You crash.
Somebody survives.
Or they find you.
Boom.
Pop the headstone out of it.
I'm sure it comes in like a special little case, you know.
You know.
Just headstones to go, maybe.
You know, like a little duffel.
Maybe it comes in a duffel.
And you just plop it in the ground right there, you know.
Here lies your boy.
You could fill it in.
It's kind of like a Mad Libs headstone.
So that way, you get a realistic epitaph.
Epitaph.
You get a realistic epitaph.
You know.
Here lies...
Fill in the blank.
You know.
He was survived by...
Blank.
That way, if you got some children, wife, cats, karma.
If you got bad karma looking for you, you know.
Because don't think when you die that your karma...
Your karma is still out there.
And that's another thing people aren't thinking about when they die.
If you're leaving bad karma, then that shit is swirling.
It's going to get somebody you know.
It's going to get your friend, your nephew, animals you might have.
You know, others.
It's going to get somebody.
What's going on, baby boy, huh?
You little freaking...
You little muffin-sniffing gypsies, huh?
You guys good, huh?
Huh?
You staying off that dust, huh?
That's what I'm hoping for.
That's what I'm hoping for.
Let me check my levels.
Okay, we got audio.
We're pretty good here.
I'm in Virginia Beach, man.
If you haven't been here, it's a cool place.
A lot of military.
Tonight we had lesbians get in free night at the comedy.
At the Funny Bone Comedy Club here in Virginia Beach.
I want to thank everybody that came out.
And it was some great shows.
Beautiful audiences.
Just good-natured people.
I mean just good-natured, you know, people that just know how to hug.
People that know how to hug.
That's what they should have, a damn test.
You know, they're banning people or they're keeping people out of the country.
Just give a damn hug test.
You want some border security?
You put a big, you put a breasty, a girthy, just, you know, just a, just thick
in the cardiovascular area, urban woman or grandparent, white lady too, out
there by the border.
And you have them hug whoever's coming in.
Because if you want a crystal ball, you want a crystal ball of people's
feelings, you hug a, you hug a sweet, thick sister.
Huh?
You hug one of them big little cinnamon bears.
And they will know, they will know if you are a good person or not.
They know where your heart is at.
Because a thick sister, she, you know, a Rubenesque, just chesty, just, you
know, el torsa, el torsa, the chest.
Those women, they are, they are just an emotional crystal ball.
You know, they crystal ball till you fall, dude.
They can predict what's going on.
Because sometimes you hug somebody and you're like, this motherfucker is squirrely,
you know.
He don't have anything in his ribcage.
He don't have anything within his bones.
There's no bone density.
There's no trust in this person.
There's no, there's no honor.
There's no commitment.
You know, there's no loyalty.
So, I think that would help.
That would be something good for the border, man, or any border, anywhere, you
know.
We just, you know, it would be good.
Anyway, what are we talking about?
Virginia Beach.
Virginia Beach.
Yeah, great audiences this week.
Great audiences, man.
Just fun.
You know, and we had lesbians come in free Sunday night.
That's my new thing.
So, if you are in any of these upcoming cities, actually, I'll drop these dates
on you right now.
February 2nd through the 5th.
2nd, 3rd, and 4th.
Next weekend, I'll be, or this weekend, actually.
I'll be in Schaumburg, Illinois.
It's outside of Chicago.
At the Chicago Improv.
The following weekend, I'll be in Baltimore, or Timonium, Maryland, at McGoobee's
Comedy Club.
Never been there.
And the weekend after that, I'll be in La Jolla.
That is February 17th and 18th, La Jolla, California.
And the weekend after that, I'll be February 22nd through 26th.
I'll be in Denver at the Comedy Works South.
Comedy Works South.
So, if you want to come out, come on out.
Those are the dates.
Those are the dates.
But yeah, fuck.
Dang.
What was I talking about, man?
What was I talking about?
Uh, I don't know.
See, that's a problem.
I got to get a sidekick.
Look, I know a lot of people are like, when you going to get a sidekick?
You know?
Your sidekick game is weak.
I know I got to get a sidekick.
I'm considering.
I'm considering, you know?
We just got to see what will happen.
It's hard, man, you know?
It's hard.
You know, things are tough.
But onward.
So, I'm in Virginia Beach.
Great shows.
Beautiful people came out.
Oh, I was saying.
So, if you are in one of those cities I just mentioned, and you are a lesbian,
a lady that
loves the attention of, uh, the heartfelt attention and emotional and sensual
attention of other
women, then Sunday night, you get in free to my show.
The password is LOLGBT.
Um, you can use that to get in.
Lick City.
Some people want to drop Lick City as the alternate.
If you, you know, want to be fun, that's another.
So, those are the passwords.
Get in.
Um, tell your lesbian friends.
Uh, lesbians come out.
Because my father, and people say, well, Theo, what do you, you know, what's
the cause?
You know?
Why are you, what's, why do you want extra lesbians at the show?
Why are you reaching out to lesbians?
Um, and I'll tell you this.
My father, I didn't know my father very well.
You know, my father, I talked about this before, was very old.
My father was born in 1910.
Um, he was a missionary from Nicaragua.
I'm Polish Nicaraguan.
One of the few, maybe the last, bruh.
The last Polish Nicaraguan, bruh.
Were my Po Nicks.
Eee!
Hoot!
And, uh, and he always told me I had the heart of a lesbian.
My father always told me that when I was young.
Uh, he said I was a survivor and that I had the heart of a lesbian.
And, uh, that always resonated with me, man.
And I always would resonate.
I felt this reverb coming off of lesbians that I met.
One time I called, uh, my mother won a perm on the radio once.
Um, she did.
She won a perm on the radio once.
She won it outright.
So there was some contention, but she won it outright.
And, uh, and a couple beautiful lesbians brought that furniture.
Brought that, uh, oh, she won a perm.
So then they had this, they had this commercial on television for this man, Big
Charlie.
He was selling chairs.
Um, Big Charlie's chairs.
You already knew that.
Big Charlie's chairs.
Cha, cha, cha.
Big cha, cha.
He's selling chairs.
Seat areas.
Places you could put your, you know, lower half of your body if you don't want
to stand up.
You get the drill.
You know what they are.
Um, you know, just like individual benches.
So, Big Charlie, after my mom won that perm, she got that perm, boy.
And I mean, huh?
I don't know if you remember the first time you saw, and my, we didn't think we
could get a perm.
Like, perm was for people that had them a little bit of money.
Okay?
And we got some money, popping, you know?
We got some dineros in the, uh, in the, uh, in the, uh, canteros, you know?
So, we didn't think we could get a perm.
So, when my mom won that perm, we're fired up.
You know, we're keyed up on happiness, you know?
I mean, when she got home with that perm, boy, it looked like somebody just
deep fried my mother.
Just deep fried my mother's head for about nine seconds.
Beautiful.
Just, mmm.
That hang time, just, no hang time coming off the back, just tight.
Just tight, tight.
Mmm.
That thing, boy, just, you could, mmm, you could just, you could lick the
bottom of that perm and cut your tongue.
That's how clean it was.
Now, at the time, they had a commercial on television for Big Charlie's Chairs.
This man, Big Charlie, selling, you already know it, furniture, man.
I told you that.
So, I called up Big Charlie because they said on the furniture, on the, uh,
commercial, uh, on the commercial that he would bring the chair to your home
and show you how comfortable the chair was.
So, I ring-a-ling-a-ling-a, Big Charlie.
Somebody answered.
I think maybe a Vietnamese lady or something, or maybe somebody, somebody, and
they said, Big Charlie would be there four to six weeks to show you that chair.
But my goal was to actually set Big Charlie up with my mother.
Because Big Charlie seemed like a hard worker, this man on the commercial.
My mother's a hard worker.
You know, delivered newspapers since I was born.
So, I'm figuring I'm going to set them up.
So, I call Big Charlie.
Somebody answers the phone.
They said, Big Charlie would be there four weeks, six weeks.
Anyway, fast forward a few weeks.
My sister yells up.
Somebody's at the door.
I come running down.
Open the door.
No, NBC, baby.
No, Big Charlie, but two adult lesbians standing right there.
Beautiful ladies.
And I just, I remember just right when I looked at this, the more jacked one,
you know, the daddy, the bull, or whatever, you know, whatever they call them,
the hero, you know, the big spoon, or whatever they, whatever the terminology
is, you know.
The one who kind of looked like she probably had like a, you know, like, you
know, like her clitoris, you know, like her clitoris would be in a neck brace.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
You know what I'm say