Name: 2-06-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #8
Uploaded: 2017-02-06T11:44:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-06-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #8' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-06-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #8' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-06. Transcript available.

2-06-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #8

Just a good old boy
Never meaning no harm
Beats all you never saw
Been in trouble with the law
Since the day they were born
The day they were born
Straightening the curve
Straightening the curve
Flatening the hills
Someday the mountain might get them
But the law never will
Making the way
Waylon Jennings
Some good old boys
That's the Dukes of Hazzard theme song
Right there
That's Waylon Jennings
What's going on huh
What's up you beautiful little
Dung imps huh
You guys good huh
You out there
Dung imping dude
You little Monday warriors huh
You gonna be a warrior today
What you gonna do
Get nasty with them
You know
Be a nasty woman out there
If you gots to
You know
Which
Eat a ham sandwich bro
And don't brush your teeth
Go rogue on that breath huh
Spray out
Let people know
What's up
Let them know
You talking meat and cheese
Boo boo
You know what I'm saying
Untuck your nuts huh
You been tucking your nuts
Have you been tucking your nuts
Wear boxers bro
Lay off the briefs for a day or two
You know
Let your bag out dude
Let your boys live a little
Man up
Or one man up
We gotta get out there
We gotta
Just get this week
It is Monday
February 6th
Happy Black History Month
To everybody
If you're black or white
Or if you're Roy G.Biv
Anywhere you are
Along the spectrum
You know
Do something special
For the Black History Month
You know
Hug a brother
You know
Kiss a sister
You know
Make a mix baby
Do something
Get out there
You know
Watch a movie
You hadn't watched
Learn about
You know
Maybe a civil rights
Aficionado
You know
Get out there
You know
Eat a McRib
Dude
If you're afraid
To you know
Make new friends
Of different ethnicities
Just casually
Eat a McRib
And just say a prayer
For people that aren't
That are different than you
You know what I'm saying
That might sound basic
But that's real
That's real
Okay
Happy
Happy Monday guys
This is this past weekend
We're gonna talk about
Some news
We're gonna talk about
I got a little sensual update
Got some
Speaking of news
I got some interesting news
So I'm gonna share that
With you guys
What else
And I was in
I was in Illinois
All weekend
One of my favorite states
First state ever got drunk in
Actually was in Illinois
So I'll talk about that too
But Super Bowl
Did you see it?
Of course you did
If you didn't see the Super Bowl
I've come to this conclusion
Like if you don't watch a Super Bowl
Something's going on with you
Because I have a friend
Anytime I say
The game is on
It could be any day of the year
And he's always like
Is it the Super Bowl?
Nah bro
It's not
Super Bowl's on once a year
You get
You get together
With people you know
Or people you don't know
And you just share the same air
And watch the game
It was a game man
It was a game
A couple things I noticed dude
First of all
I thought it was boring
The first half I thought it was
Just boring
I'm like this is
There's so many commercials
You're just interrupted constantly
It's such a
There's just such a
An ulterior motive to the game
Commercially
They're just pedaling this
And pedaling that
And pushing new movies
And na na na na na na na
It gets a little hectic
So that was hectic
But
But that comeback man
I mean they came
They came back
I mean I don't
Did you really think
That they could come back?
I mean
At halftime
I was like
This is
Even
By the end of the third quarter
I was like
This is miserable
This is miserable
I'll say this
Did you see Tom Brady
Had a zit
On his neck
Bruh
A Z on his end
Dude
If you look at some pictures
Some interviews
He had a little zit
On the left
Not even little
Decent sized
And man
How do you go
On the biggest stage
In the world
With a zit
On your neck
Dude if I have a zit
On my neck
I will
I mean I'll scarf up
I'll wear a collar
It'll be summer
And I'll wear like
A high collar
Hell I might join
The priesthood
Online
Get doctrinated
Or whatever
And uh
Just so I can drop
So I can just
You know
Lace up a dope
Priest collar
Just to have
A little bit of
Coverage man
I mean I can't
I get scared
To talk to people
I talk to people
Like this
Like I'll
Bring my shoulders
Up real high
And you know
Just try to hide
My neck
But he didn't
Do that dude
Not only did he
Not do that
He took his zit
Out there
Up and down
That field
And he won
His fifth
Super Bowl
Ring
And at the end
He hit his knees
You can see at the end
Of the game
If you saw it
Brady hits his knees
And he's just
Overwhelmed
And I felt like
He was probably
Overwhelmed
Just with
Probably the blessings
That he's felt
I mean can you
Imagine
How blessed
That man must feel
I mean to have
That
Just to even
First of all
To even have
The ability
To do that
To get the
Opportunity
The achievement
Within
Playing football
And then to win
That many
Super Bowl rings
I mean he's the goat
I put on my
Instagram yesterday
A picture of him
With a goat
Because there's a
Famous picture of him
Going around
Where he got some
Beautiful barn
Animal
And I think
It looks like
A young goat
Somebody said
It's like a lamb
That's not doing
A lot of hair
Out their body
But I don't see
That I saw a goat
And he is man
He's the goat
Greatest of all time
I don't know
How you argue it now
I don't know
How you argue
I don't know
If you do
That was exciting man
The halftime
Performance
It didn't do it
For me
You know
I wanted extra
I wanted more
Performers
I don't know
If Lady Gaga's
Group hogged
All the budget
I don't know
If there wasn't
A big budget
This year
She just
She seems
Uncomfortable
Actually
She reminds me
Of somebody
Dancing
That can't
Really dance
So in some ways
It's kind of rewarding
You're like
Damn dude
I could be
A halftime
Performer
You know
Because I don't
Really have
A lot of moves
But she gets
Out there
And just
At some point
She just
There's like
These erratic
Moves
Just look
Like an
Aggressive
Gerbil
If you've seen
Or not
Aggressive
Hamster
If you've seen
Some of these
New hamsters
That they got
A lot of our
Hamsters
These days
Are from Russia
I don't know
If you guys
Are
Anybody's been
Caught up in
The ham game
Much
But
I grew up
Selling hamsters
My first job
Selling hamsters
Some people
Know that
Some people
Do not
I used to
Sell hamsters
And
Because I grew up
In a
In a hamster
Breeding area
And
And they were
Beautiful hamsters
They were beautiful
Animals back then
Beautiful just
You know
Just little
I mean
It was almost like
Mother nature's
Little just
Dingleberries
Almost
I know that's
That's a
Reach
A little bit
Verbally
But
You know
What I'm saying
But now
You go to the
Pet shops
Dude
A lot of
Hamsters
They're getting
Them from
Russia
Bro
And they
They just
Look angry
And they got
Just water
On the brain
Or something
A lot of
Them look like
They might have
Alcoholism
Which
I know
Probably isn't
Realistic for
An animal
But
But they
Just look
Like that
They look
Just temperamental
And they
On the edge
And they
Can't handle
Their life
Bro
And they're
Lean
And just
It's just
But anyway
A lot of
Hamster mills
They're getting
Them from
Russia
These
These new
Hamsters
I don't know
What I'm
What am I
Going off
On here
But yeah
She looked
Erratic
Like she
Just looked
Like
Like there
Were
And then
At the end
Where she
Just jumps
Into the
Abyss
Man
It just
It seemed
Like
You know
Like a child
Like on his
First dive
Into a
Pool
Or something
It was
I don't know
I don't know
I just wanted
To see
I wanted
I would
Have loved
To see
Springsteen
Pop out
Or Willie
Nelson
Hell
You know
Who else
I would
Have loved
To hear
This pop
Out
Man
I don't
Even know
If he's
Alive
But if
He is
This beautiful
Man
Dude
You know
Who
Waylon
Jennings
Would have
Loved
To see
That
I just
Wanted
To see
Some more
Camaraderie
Out there
Ray
Swimmer
Could have
Popped
Out
Yeah
So that
Was that
Man
At halftime
I was like
What is
Going on
You know
What is
Going on
And then
The second
Half
Came
And
I mean
And I
Just felt
At the end
Of the game
You felt
Bad
For Matt
Ryan
I mean
Here's a
Young man
You could
Feel his
Like bravado
Building over
The past
Month
As a
Fan
Just as
Anybody
Trying to
Accomplish
Something
And you
Know
Atlanta's
Had some
Up and
Down
Back and
For
Seasons
Over the
Past five
Years
Where they
Were
Kind of
Favorites
And
Not
Favorites
And
And just
In
Underachieving
And then
Overachieving
This year
But the
Loss
Man
You could
Just
Oh
That sense
Of loss
Dude
That's
Heavy
Man
Losing is
Heavy
Heavy
And it
Made me
Think about
Times in
My life
When I've
Lost
So
I'll stay
In sports
For a second
Here
When I was
12 years
Old
The first
Time I ever
Played
Organized
Sports
My family
My family
My mother
Saved a
Little bit
Of money
And for
My
Birthday
Present
Was to
Get me
Into
The
Covington
That's my
Town
Recreational
Department
And I
And I
Got into
The
Basketball
League
And it
Was
It was
Great
Man
And our
Team
Was the
Celtics
And we
Wore uniforms
That itched
And made
My skin
Real rashy
And it's
Hard
I mean
I did
Pretty
Well
Made
A little
All-star
Team
And it
You want
To say
It's hard
To shoot
Baskets
Regular
You do
It when
You got
A rash
Everybody
Has a rash
I mean
We would
Call time
Outs
Just to
Really
Scratch
And just
Help
Each other
Scratch
On the
Sidelines
I don't
Know
If those
Jerseys
Were
You know
They could
Have
Been
Stored
Somewhere
Where
It
Was
You know
Asbestos
Or
Maybe
Stored
Near
Some
Fiberglass
The man
That did
Our
Ran
The
League
Also
Had
A
Small
Insulation
Firm
So
We always
Had
An inkling
There was
Something
Else
Going
On
But
We'd
Be
Rash
It's
Hard
To
Shoot
A
Three
Pointer
When
You
Got
A
Hot
Rash
Going
You
Know
But
It
Came
Down
To
The
City
Championship
The
Game
At
The
End
Of
The
Game
I
Was
On
The
Foul
Line
And
I
Had
Two
Shots
And
We
Were
Down
By
Two
Points
So
I
Needed
Both
Shots
And
I
Missed
The
First
One
And
And
I
Was
Just
In
Tears
After
Did
I
Was
In
Tears
It
Was
My
Loss
I
Know
That's
Just
You
Know
I
Just
Felt
Broken
Hearted
The
Coach
Was
Very
Consoling
He
Was
Super
Consoling
Man
He
Was
Real
Nice
Man
And
I
Befriended
Him
And
His
Family
Just
In
A
Fit
Of
Just
Weird
Behavior
But
I
Stayed
Friends
With
Them
Still
Friends
Of
Mine
He
Was
A
Good
Kind
Of
Father
Figure
In
My
Life
At
Times
I
Even
Do
One
Time
I
Remember
I
Went
To
Their
House
There
Was
Rumored
Some
Man
Had
Come
Through
Town
It
Was
Like
A
Water
Drinking
Champion
You
Know
You
Know
Some
Man
Was
Just
Had
Been
Spouting
Off
Not
Even
A
Play
On
Words
There
But
You
Know
What's
Up
Some
Man
Had
Been
Spouting
Off
Around
Town
That
He
Could
Drink
More
Water
Than
Anybody
You
Know
That
He
Could
You
Know
He
Was
You
Know
He
Just
Drop
A
Straw
Into
A
Puddle
And
Just
Bring
A
Puddle
To
Its
Knees
You
Know
So
I
Had
Heard
This
Rumor
And
I
Started
Training
I
Guess
Really
Even
Though
I
Never
Even
Met
This
Man
Dude
So
When
You're
Training
Based
On
A
Rumor
You
Heard
That's
In
Hindsight
That's
Bizarre
Behavior
But
I
Started
Drinking
As
Much
Water
As
I
Could
And
Just
If
I
Saw
You
Know
At
Dinner
I
Drink
Everybody
Else's
Half
Glasses
Of
Water
I
Was
Just
Fired
Up
I
Even
Just
Mean
Mug
An
Aquarium
If
I
Saw
One
You
Know
Cause
I
Just
Just
I
Just
Wanted
To
Be
The
Champ
Dude
I
Wanted
To
Be
The
Champ
And
I
Went
Over
To
My
Coach's
House
One
Time
And
I
Been
Training
And
My
Buddy
Was
Over
There
His
Son
And
I
Drank
I
Think
About
A
Gallon
Of
Water
Straight
Just
Tipped
Up
A
Gallon
Right
In
Front
Of
The
Family
Dude
In
The
Living
Room
I
Just
You
Can
Kill
Yourself
If
You
Drank
The
Whole
Thing
Consecutively
And
That's
What
I
Did
And
Then
I
Went
And
Took
A
Nap
In
The
Bedroom
I
Just
I
Felt
Just
Queasy
And
Weird
Just
Water
High
Man
I
Was
High
On
Water
And
I
Laid
Down
On
The
Carpet
And
Tried
To
Take
A
Nap
And
I
Fell
Asleep
And
I
Urinated
On
The
Floor
In
My
Sleep
Because
I
Was
A
Bed
Wetter
I
Wet
The
Bed
I
Was
Probably
About
28
About
28
Years
Old
And
I
Remember
This
Woke
Up
In
This
Huge
Pool
Of
Water
I
Mean
Usually
If
You
Wet
The
Bed
You
Had
A
Little
Circle
But
This
Had
Gotten
The
Diameter
Of
This
Circle
Was
Probably
Or
The
Circumference
Whatever
It
Is
All
The
Way
Across
Probably
About
Eight
Feet
So
I
Really
Doused
Them
Up
Anyhow
So
That
Was
A
Loss
For
Me
Losing
The
City
Championship
In
Our
Little
City
Or
Town
You
Know
But
That
Hurt
Man
An