Name: 2-13-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #9
Uploaded: 2017-02-13T19:49:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-13-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #9' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-13-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #9' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-13. Transcript available.

2-13-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #9

Hey guys, soon we're going to have a call-in number where we can communicate
live, on air,
but for now, if you need rural or urban advice, we have a number.
If you have a question, a comment, anything.
If you're troubled, broken, nearsighted, racist, addicted, curious,
just need some advice from somebody who probably cares.
Dude, I'll try to care the best that I can.
That number is 985-664-9503.
Again, 985-664-9503.
It's a Google voicemail.
You can leave a fake name, you can leave no name, but ask your question or
leave your comment,
and I will get to some of them on the air.
Now, let's get to the show.
Hold on, little girl, show me what he's done to you.
Stand up, little girl, a broken heart can't be that bad.
When it's through, it's through, think with twists of both of you.
So come on, baby, come on over, let me be the one to show you.
I'm the one who wants to be with you.
Deep inside, I hope you feel it, to feel it, to feel it, to feel it.
Remember that one, huh?
That's Mr. Big.
That's Mr. Big to be with you, to be with you.
What's up, you glorious little taint painters, huh?
How you doing, you little hairspray-sipping, frickin' Zydeco-listening warlords?
You guys doing all right?
Are you doing all right?
That was Mr. Big to be with you.
It's Valentine's week, man.
It's February 13th, 2017.
And this is it.
This is this past weekend.
It was a wild weekend, man.
Still lamenting the loss of the native child that didn't come to fruition for
me.
So, I was dealing with some of those feelings.
We're going to get into some news.
I got offered a threesome this weekend in Baltimore.
So, I don't know if you've been to Baltimore, dude.
Apparently, obviously, great place to get crabbed and murdered.
But also, good place to get a little threesome offer.
Got that.
We got some questions, some advice from listeners.
We're going to play some of those and respond to them.
And that's it, man.
That's it, you little jive muppets, huh?
You little scum dumpsters.
How you guys feeling?
Are you in love, man?
It's Valentine's week.
Are you in love?
I got nothing.
I got nothing.
I got nothing.
I don't even have pornography, dude.
I wish they made like a Valentine's pornography, you know?
Even if it was just like a Cupid, you know, kind of maybe masturbating behind a
tree or something.
And you don't watch it.
You don't see like, obviously, you don't want to see like a little baby dressed
up masturbating with a bow and arrow.
So, I mean, that's like the most, that's hella Republican, which just sounds
pretty dope.
But it's, I mean, that's too much, you know?
But maybe you could listen to it.
Just get the audio from the other side of the tree, you know?
Something like that.
Oh, good to be back.
I'm back here in L.A.
Let's crack into some news, man.
I'll hit some news first.
What do we have?
I got a couple of stories here.
Some Patriots.
The New England Patriots players refusing to visit the White House because
Trump is in office.
I thought about it and I, you know what?
Oh, well, that's fine, you know?
I don't think Trump cares, you know?
I don't think he cares.
I think, you know, the presidency isn't a, it's not a celebrity, you know?
Like, and if people don't want to go good, that's less, that's less tax dollars
we got to pay to feed one of these big steroid mongrels, you know?
You know, Jerry Olshansky and frickin' Lamar Lallant Johnson, we don't have to
feed them.
That's an extra probably $700 taxpayers are going to save by not feeding them
big Muppets.
So I don't care.
I just wish they didn't make news about this, you know?
It's like, who cares?
People don't want to go.
They don't go.
You know, some people don't want to go to their mother-in-laws.
Even if the meatloaf's going to be good, they don't want to deal with it.
So, you know, I liken this to kind of that.
What else, man?
What else?
Oh, this was kind of wild.
188,000 people have been evacuated from North California counties after damage
to a spillway at the Oroville Dam.
So the dam remains intact, apparently, but they're thinking it might rupture.
188,000 people.
I mean, that's...
Can you imagine that?
Somebody comes to your door, their waters might...
Would you even leave?
What would you do, honestly?
I mean, in New Orleans, it was flooding, and 10% of the population is like,
nah, bro.
We're going to ride it out, man.
Would you leave?
I was in Kansas City one time, and some friggin' Muppet downstairs, probably
somebody, you know, frying an egg with a lighter and some hairspray, set
something on fire at this hotel I was at.
And this hotel was like 20 floors.
There's fire trucks outside, and I, I mean, I was barely making ends meet.
I remember I was, I'd buy groceries, and I'd hung them out the window during
the day because it was freezing outside.
I didn't have a refrigerator in my room.
So I'd hang the groceries out the window, let them get cold, or all night.
I would hang them out all night, and then during the day, I'd bring them inside,
let them thaw out.
And by about lunchtime, I'd make me, you know, something out of, you know, they
had some lunch meats in there, and, you know, some different, you know, cheeses,
maybe a mustard, some, you know, different accoutrements, you know, that I
could really, you know, just treat my face to something.
Just, you know, some libations and, you know, some, uh, foods.
So, uh, so anyway, I had this sandwich, but, dude, I've been thinking about
this sandwich all day, and finally everything thawed out, made myself a nice
sandwich.
I got it stacked.
I'm sitting on the bed.
I think I might have smoked a little keef at the time.
And, dude, this thing was on fire.
The alarm's going off, and a fireman's comes in my room, a big black fireman's.
And, dude, I'm sitting on the bed, and they've long since said evacuate the
hotel.
It's been coming on.
They had a speaker.
Evacuate the hotel.
He comes in.
I'm like, he just looks at me.
He had on a fireman's outfit.
Axe.
Dude had an axe, bruh.
Like, there's trees up here.
I'm on, like, the 13th floor.
No trees up here, bruh.
And, and I, uh, I was just sitting there.
And he's like, you gotta go, man.
And I was like, dude, I was like, I just made this sandwich, bruh.
I'm really, I really feel like chilling.
And this fireman looks at me, and he's like, all right, fam, do what you do.
And he left, bruh.
Coolest fireman.
A white fireman wouldn't have done that.
A white fireman would not have done that.
So, I say, if you're gonna deal with the fireman, and you're trying to keep it
chill, go black fireman.
For sure.
Um, what else occurred?
What else occurred?
Uh, yeah, but so they're moving people.
California, 188,000 people.
I'm just shocked, like, California's supposed to be in a drought.
Here, the dam's gonna break.
Like, pick your poison.
Pick your poison, California.
You can't, you know, be hoping for water.
And then, finally, you know, the powers that be send you this gift of breaking
a dam, and
now you're complaining about it.
Uh, I say just let it break.
Let everybody drink up, dude.
You know, drink up while it's flowing.
That's what I always do.
Drink up while it's flowing.
Next, in Louisville, Kentucky, uh, emergency metro service workers responded to
52 overdose
calls this past weekend.
That's a lot, dude.
52, dude.
Mmm, it's unfortunate, man.
Addiction's powerful.
People out there, they're on the dust, they're cooking up.
It's unfortunate.
But 52 overdoses.
Damn.
Damn.
I mean, some of them, you gotta let them go.
Maybe some people are ready for heaven.
Uh, you know, some of them, you gotta let them go.
You know, but obviously some, some, some jank smack came through town, you know?
You got a bad chef in the, uh, in the dope kitchen.
So you really, you gotta, really, you're hunting a chef now.
I mean, you, you could say you're hunting a drug dealer and this and that, but
you really,
you gotta do with a bad recipe.
You know, so you need a breakin' bad, uh, and just, I'd find a good chef of
dope, parole
him, get him set up in the area.
At least then your users, uh, are gonna live long enough to hopefully get help.
So that may seem like a backwards solution, but guess what, bruh?
My whole life is backwards solutions, dude.
Growing that hair out a little bit.
Damn!
The hang time coming off the back of my head.
Sweet!
Happy Valentine's!
Happy Valentine's!
I wanna say that to everybody.
Uh, I feel like, you know, I'm trying to love myself this year.
That's what it seems like I'm doing.
You know, I don't have a, um, a girl this year, so I'm loving myself, you know?
I'm still lamentin' a little bit the loss of, you know, the young res baby we
almost had.
I mean, I, I wasn't ready for that.
You know, I didn't wanna have a, a Native American child, but at the same time,
it does make you
start to think, you know?
Um, I did have some other dreams and daydreams of me, like, holding, like, a
child in, like,
some furs and us laying by a stream and, you know, just doing, just Native.
Outdoor activities, you know, crafts, uh, dream catching, um, you know, just,
just real
calm Native American type stuff, you know, trading corn with people, um,
getting, catching
diseases from whites, just, just kind of ideas that popped in my head, uh,
cause that might
have been the closest I came to having a child.
But Valentine's it is, man.
Are you in love?
That's what I wanna know, bro.
You in love?
Somebody love you?
Who you gonna love?
That's my thing.
If, if somebody, if nobody's loving me, then I gotta love somebody.
You know?
Like, for years, I'm sitting around just disappointed that nobody's loving me,
but I'm gonna, I'm
gonna reach out and love some people.
That's what I'm gonna do.
Uh, you know, I'm gonna let my mother know I love her.
I'll maybe let a couple of other, you know, older ladies know that I love them.
Ladies that, you know, are just living their lives.
Maybe a couple single mothers, just reach out.
Let them know somebody loves them.
So maybe try that, dude.
Try to love somebody, you know?
If, if nobody's loving you, be the aggressor.
Be the aggressor.
You know, that's what I find.
Uh, if I, if I, if I stop worrying about what's going on with me and, and
create some love,
that's it, man.
I'm gonna talk about some of my first loves.
Um, I spoke about one last week.
They had that girl that was dancing erotic at the park, you know, when I was
young and,
and that was, uh, I mean, I just, a lot of that were just real sensual feelings
as well.
Just when your body just bubbles up and boils with blood out to the end of your
pecker and,
you know, you just fired up and you keyed up.
Um, another girl I had when I was young, after that gal, after the erotic park
dancer,
um, this girl, she lived in my neighborhood, Chrissy, was her name, Chrissy,
like Chris,
but with C on the end of it, or S-I-E, Chrissy.
She had some bad, she had a bad grill, dude.
I mean, she was just a little grill-rilla, bro.
Her teeth were all stacked up and just, one of them might have been chipped out.
A little bit, kind of Lloyd Christmasing, and, um, and, but I just loved her,
man.
She had freckles, first freckles I'd ever seen, bruh.
Look, I mean, a good, decent amount.
Looked like somebody just beat her in the face with some heavy cinnamon.
Just freckles, and she always wore, like, this purple shirt, and she was real
poor.
We were poor, and, man, I used to fantasize about her, and be erect, and just
think about her, you know?
Um, at night I used to pretend, or even in the day sometimes, honestly, that
one of my pillows was her,
and I would, you know, do, you know, sensual touches and thoughts and stuff
with this pillow,
and, you know, things that a young guy does, you know?
Um, I just brought up another idea.
I was visiting my, well, my father was 70 when I was born.
Some of you guys know that.
And he had a different family before us, so I have some siblings now that are
in their 70s.
But at the time, one of them lived in Atlanta, Atlanta, Georgia.
And I went to visit, um, this half-sister of mine, and I