Name: 2-20-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #10
Uploaded: 2017-02-20T17:34:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-20-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #10' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '2-20-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #10' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-02-20. Transcript available.

2-20-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #10

uh how we doing you brave little dimpled wiggers it's monday baby you crispy
little vietnamese
warlords huh you doing all right you got diabetes bro you got an erection you
got sugar in your dick
what's up it's this past weekend welcome
ain't no tell
i'm straight i stay my place
i'm a smooth operator
that car driving make you feel some type of way
that custom writing make you feel some type of way
make you feel some type of way
now you feel some type of way
what my title say
me and my homies djo hope you feel some type of way
some type of way
some type of way
i'm gonna make you feel some type of way
what's up guys
that's a little bit of bueno there
i guess that's a spanish rap artist
and the album legends live forever
and the song some type of way
do legends live forever
i guess they do huh
i mean you
you know we carry them on
we carry them on
if you're a legend you get carried on
at least for some amount of time
it's monday february 20th
uh welcome to this past weekend
it is uh
it's literally about midnight here on the uh
pacific
pacific time region
uh i'm theo vaughn
thank you for joining me
um i hope you had a nice weekend
uh wish you a happy monday
wherever you are
valentine's day has come and gone
hopefully you are still in love
or or you know
we're just battling your loneliness
better than you were last week
all right
uh what's going on
we've got a lot going on
we're gonna get into some calls
we got we got a great deal more calls
um
i'm excited about that
eventually we will do the calls live
but for the time being
i've been on the road
and i have not had the opportunity to
to set that up yet
to facilitate that
so we will get to that
um
i'm letting you know this week
i'll be in denver
i'm gonna let you know right now
if you have a friend in denver
you know i need people to come out to the shows
uh that's my livelihood
and i would appreciate it if you have a friend in denver that wants to come out
let them know i'll be at the comedy works south
down in denver colorado
and that is this thursday through this sunday february 23rd through 26th and
then next weekend march 4th i'll be at the admiral theater in bremerton washington
and that's washington state
and that's one of the big 50 states and it's up there in the northwest uh big
state large area
known for what
known for what
known for what
fish
um
outdoors
you know
pine
probably a lot of bodies out in the woods i'll be honest with you
you know
um
i love uh
i love uh
i love those type of murder mystery shows
i mean honestly
i'll be honest with you
i can't even sleep at night really
unless i've seen
one of those programs
where somebody's been murdered
or
if there's buried treasure
i just have that
i'm an addict
i guess i'm an addict
and i'm addicted to those things
uh
you know
knowing about new murders and buried treasure
so
and if somebody dies and is wearing like a fancy brooch
i mean that's
a rare brooch
that's
i mean that's double comfort for me
that's double comfort
good to be here
uh
with you guys
thank you for joining me
the news
i'm just going to hit this brief news topic
speaking of washington state
a man got stopped
okay
in the hov lane
that is the carpooling lane
where you were allowed to drive
with friends
or um
maybe children at a certain age
you can't sneak a baby into the front seat
that doesn't count
uh
if you're doing that
that's
i mean that's nasty
you know
put your kid in the back seat
especially if it's just a baby
and it's not making any choices for itself
and you're putting it up there
in the front seat
so you can get to work quicker
that's
i mean it's a beautiful idea
but it's
it's probably not safest
but a man got caught
with a mannequin
in his front passenger seat
but it was like a hot mannequin
like he'd
put like a blonde wig on it
it seemed to have a nice
at least a seat cup
uh
and it
the cop stopped him
and my thought is like
if you're going to put a
mannequin up there
put a busted ass mannequin
i mean a beautiful blonde mannequin
is surely going to capture
the uh
the desires
or the
the eyes
of an officer
you know
um
so that's just
baffling i guess
you know
you gotta get a
get a
get a
schlubby mannequin
get a fucking
thick uncle
you know
get a
and that's always been one of my issues
with mannequins
you know
with these mannequin
makers
and
uh
distributors of uh
of fictional
human
figurines
is that
the mannequins
are never realistic
you know
i remember shopping
when i was a child
shopping uh
during the holidays
and the man
it's like
i don't know if that sweater
is gonna
where's the mannequin
with the hunchback
or
where's the mannequin
with the big mole
on its neck
you know
because how i'm gonna know
if that
if that uh
sweater is gonna fit
my grandmother
if the mannequin
don't have a hunchback
you know
i need a
i need to know
if that sweater
if that
you know
if that
i need a mannequin
that's taking up a couple extra
maybe two more square feet
up around the upper spine
to know
if that mannequin
is uh
if that sweater
is gonna fit my grandmother
so
i've always been i guess
disappointed in mannequins
uh
you know
or what about a mannequin
with a
with a little bit of
like a limp
maybe one foot shorter
than the other
my father
when i was a child
he had uh
he had this gentleman
that worked for him
just did
some day work
here and there
this kind of
um
he was a
handicapped gentleman
what was his name
um
marks
was his name
a black gentleman
and
he would watch us
from time to time
when my dad had to work
when we went to the office
with my dad
marks would watch us
and marks had one foot
or one leg
was about
probably
three
four
three four inches
shorter than the other
you know
he was coming up light
in one of his appendages
he was real
just i guess
shy in the femur
and
so he would always
stand on this stoop
so that he looked even
you know
and he wouldn't really
leave this little stoop
it was just a
it was a few inches
of concrete
that were outside
of the front door
and he would stand there
on
with his one foot
on the stoop
and his other foot
on the natural
pavement
or natural earth
and he would be even
and uh
and i remember that man
we would spend time
with him
he would take us
to the hot dog cart
and get us
a hot dog
and um
and a bird
attacked him
one time
he got attacked
by a bird
pretty good
it was a
just a violent
pigeon i think
and they have those
in a lot of
you know
in areas where
this was down in
new orleans
and they have a lot
of violent
uh birds
down there
those inner city
birds
that have
i guess just been
through hell
and you know
they're not out there
living in natural habitat
as much as other
animals
or other birds
are
spent some time
around birds
in my day
but yeah
that man would
watch us
and he was
he had a short
limb
and uh
and i always
thought that
mannequins should
be more realistic
you know
i'd love to see
somebody come out
with some realistic
mannequins
you know
how do i know
if this
you know
if this uh
if this shirt
or you know
blouse
is gonna fit
my father
or mother
if the mannequin
don't look like
it's about to
whoop my ass
you know
like that's the
mannequin
i'd like to see
in the store
a mannequin
with a spatula
in its hand
and an angry
look on its face
then put the
blouse on it
and i'll be like
oh
definitely
that's for dad
so i've always
had issues
with mannequins
um
what else guys
uh
good to chat
with you
here
it's been a
crazy weekend
i was down
in la jolla
which is just
a spanish town
i guess
south of
of uh
of los angeles
and it rained
man
and it rained
and it was
a category
two rain
probably a
you know
a basic two
but people
were nervous
shy
people just
sharing things
they shouldn't
be saying
just dude
up on the street
ran up to me
and just told me
he was gay
i was like
dude you don't
have to
i don't think
this rain is
gonna be that
bad
where you gotta
spill all your
secrets
but it got
pretty wild
man
i spent the
weekend down
in la jolla
doing shows
at the la jolla
comedy store
my favorite
place
i shot a
documentary
with some
british
british
documentarians
and they have
a new documentary
coming out
in a few
weeks
it's called
dying laughing
and i'm gonna
be in that
so if you see
that playing
somewhere
or you get
the opportunity
to get that
on the internet
i'll be in
there
they're interviewing
comedians about
their lifestyles
so that was that
man
and i've never
been a big fan
of the british
dude
i'll go ahead
and say it
you know
and i told
these gentlemen
that
and they actually
kind of rekindled
a little bit
of my faith
maybe
in the
the british
or the oa
i call them
the original
americans
because we were
over there
you know
you forget
that sometimes
that we were
over there
and they
and as far
as we learned
in history class
growing up
we left there
to have
religious freedom
right
just on a boat
i mean
you gotta
really not
like someone
to just
get on a boat
and be like
we're out of here
and they're like
well where are you
going
and you're like
we don't know
that's pretty brave
dude
just to go
imagine
not liking
someone so much
you get on a boat
and just
go
and the odds
are you're not
even gonna live
that's pretty
ballsy man
but yeah
the patriot
one of my
favorite movies
you know that
the family man
that's another
one of my
favorite films
with nicholas cage
if you haven't
seen that movie
then your life
is probably
fill of
fill of holes
you must have
the swiss cheese
life
do you have
that
look at your
life
does it smell
like mold
that could go
on a sandwich
because you
probably have
a swiss cheese
life
I love
that movie
we got
a house
in Jersey
we got
two kids
Annie
and Josh
man I love
that movie
make me think
about
about love
and what love
means
and
and taking
advantage of
love
that movie
does that
for me
but yeah
the British
I just
never
like I don't
like it
when the British
are milling
around over
here
like what
are you
doing
dude
we beat
y'all
we beat
y'all
okay
look at the
scoreboard
daddy bear
we beat
ya
and you got
British people
just wandering
around over
here in the
US
and I'm like
just
never been
keen on
it
taking
taking jobs
too
taking
movie roles
and television
roles
especially in
entertainment
I'm like
what
you're gonna
give this to
a British
person before
you give it
to
a natural
born
American
you know
or an
English
you know
basic
I don't
know
just makes
me angry
so
but these
men were
good
we did
the documentary
we had
some interviews
so it
kind of
adjusted
my faith
and they
were talking
about
in school
in Britain
they learned
that
that
we got
exiled
from Britain
like we
were such
slubs
over there
or such
moots
that they
just sent
us packing
and I'm
like well
that's crazy
because they
teach us
in America
that we
left
so it's
pretty
interesting
to see
that
on different
shores
the education
is different
as to what
really happened
makes you
wonder what
kind of
education
is going
on in
all other
parts of
the world
like
we're all
just learning
about
different
realities
I guess
our
perceptions
are
different
so that
was
interesting
man
because I'm
telling them
I'm like
we didn't
leave
like we
left
because
you know
we wanted
religious freedom
I mean
that's what
I'd learned
and they're
like whatever
we sent
y'all
packing
you know
we gave
you a little
bit of
money
we didn't
think
you'd
actually
find
a place
you guys
left
on 60
foot
wooden
boats
that were
filled
with
diseases
like
most of
y'all's
luggage
was
chlamydia
so
just
interesting
in their
perception
and
perception
based on
what I
had learned
growing up
but yeah
the British
I spent
some time
with the
British
and
what else
happened
this weekend
what else
happened
it rained
people out
here on the
west coast
I mean
they think
the world's
gonna end
you know
I loved
rain
growing up
it would
rain
and the
ditch
would get
filled up
and if
you were
poor
if you
grew up
in a
poor
environment
that was
your
swimming
pool
you know
if the
ditch
was
filled
you was
you had
opportunity
to get
out there
and practice
a few
of your
strokes
you know
I mean
sure the
pool
was like
90 feet
by 4 feet
but it was
a blast
man
and we'd
get out
there
and 