Name: 3-6-17 | This Past Weekend #12
Uploaded: 2017-03-07T04:40:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '3-6-17 | This Past Weekend #12' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '3-6-17 | This Past Weekend #12' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-07. Transcript available.

3-6-17 | This Past Weekend #12

What's up? What's up you little Guatemalans? Huh? You little crispy Yamaguchis?
How you
feeling? Huh? Huh? You ever done an 8-ball at a Bass Pro Shop and played Adele's
Hello
on a duck call? You ever done that? You ever emptied a bunch of ice trays on
the kitchen
floor and made snow angels at the house? You ever done that? Get all wet? Get
your back
wet? Well dry off, bruh. Dry off. Cause this is this past weekend. This past
weekend.
Back at a truck like I'm Santa. 30 pounds is a scandal. Give him a name that is
Randall.
Cutie sports. Hounseless. Ecstasy is easy. Mouth. Tapping them off like I'm
back.
Ezekiel blitzing inside. Green day. Cheryl's name. Random. Tiny bones. Handle.
They each.
Tandem. Who wants a drink from your daddy? Drippin' off drinks me in transit.
Yeah. The fuck show is a handle. Who? Shawshank and Alecate. And this next guy
on the stage.
I love him. 30 pounds of hamster bones. He has an album out.
All right. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to this past weekend. It is Monday, March
6th. I want
to thank everybody who purchased the new album. 30 pounds of hamster bones. Got
us to number
two on the iTunes comedy charts. Really exciting. It's about 2 a.m. It's Monday
morning. Monday,
March 6th. 19, 2017. You know, I'm always about a century behind. Just got back
from Bremerton.
Bremerton, Washington. So anybody who came out to the show last night, I
appreciate it. I
had a nice time. Kind of a naval town. Not the body part, just the service. So
a lot of people
there in the service, I understand. We had a good crowd. They had about 500
there at the
theater. And all ages. All ages, man. They had some, you know, some children in
there. And
I feel like we really made the most of it. So I want to thank everybody that
came out.
Thank you. Thank you very much. If you haven't got the album, that's what I was
playing right
there. It's a new video. You can check it out on the YouTube as well. I made it
with Simon
Rex. Guest stars in it. Your boy, Dirt Nasty. And it's just fun. It's like a
play on designer's
panda. And it's hamster. Hamster. So check out the album. Check out that video.
And good
to be here. Oh, let me touch base with what's been going on, man. We did the JRE
podcast,
Joe Rogan Experience, if you didn't check it out. I was excited, man. I was
excited to get
to do it. Joe and I don't know each other very well. I don't know him very well.
So I was a little
nervous. But we had a nice time. And I felt like I got to know him a little bit
better. Really smart
guy. He knows so much. And it was inspiring, man. It was inspiring just to be
able to have a
conversation with somebody. I mean, LA to me is the loneliest place. You're in
your car a lot. Your
best friend is a coffee. You know, a lot of people don't date because it's not
geographically
desirable. You know, I mean, whenever you meet a girl or a guy, you ask them
where they live. And if
it's not in a convenient area, then the love ends right there. The love stops
at the gas money,
really, you know. And it reminds, makes me think about incest. Like back in the
day,
you know, some places incest is more popular. But I think like if you lived in
a rural area
in about, if you walked even, you know, eight miles, you might only come across
family,
you know, back in the day. So I think in some rural areas, you're more likely
to have incest because
hell, you go for a jog, even a long run looking for love. The best you might
find is a cousin
in the distance, you know, maybe a distant cousin. Maybe that's where the term
came from.
And that's how I think a lot of incest really probably popped off back in the
day. You might
only meet people at family reunions or at funerals. So I think it was a little
more popular. It was a
proximity thing. Whereas in a city, you're usually more likely to bump into
people that aren't of the
same bloodline. So I think in a city, you're less likely to have incest. But
definitely it should be,
I don't know if it should be a crime. It should be frowned upon. You know, I
think these days,
there's no excuse for not getting outside of your comfort zone. Even if, you
know, and that's way
too comfortable. You know, if you're, you know, winking at somebody across the
room at a family get
together, that's just because you don't know them doesn't make it, you know,
Christian or right.
You know, so, yeah, so I've always had that thought. Um, bestiality, that's
another crazy thing.
I'm thinking about, you know, sexuality right now, I guess. Um, and I've always
thought that,
yeah, bestiality with small animals, taboo, but you get out there and you, you
fuck a leopard.
Is that bestiality or is that pretty much the dopest shit you could do? You
know, like you catch a
hyena or a, a lynx, dude, you fuck a lynx and put that on YouTube, you'll never
buy a drink again at a
bar. That's for damn sure, dude. So, I think incest laws keep them in place,
but some of these
bestiality things, they should fine tune a little bit of it. You know, I catch
some dudes snuggling up
with a lab, you know, or even a black lab or, um, you know, even a sheep or a
livestock animal. That's
fucking cheap. You know, that's dirty. But I catch somebody, you know, dropping
a YouTube video of them,
you know, making love to a, to a, to a, you know, a caribou. That's a hero.
That dude's a hero in my
book. Yeah. I want to thank everybody for supporting the album, man. It's
really great. Um, the past week
for me, this past last week, wasn't good, man. I was, I got down in the dumps,
dude. I just,
I don't know what was going on. I was, I was just hating myself. I got down in
the dumps and I know
that's kind of a recurring theme, I guess with me, but I got down in the dumps.
I just, I was judging
myself a lot. I was stuck in my head with my thoughts. Um, and I think part of
that comes from
just being here in LA. You spend a lot of time by yourself, you know, like
people think that comedians,
that it's this glorious life where you're around a million people, but during
the day I'm taking care
of my life and my business. Um, and in the evening I'm on stage, but a lot of
people that are at the
shows are on dates, you know, comedy club is like a date event. So a lot of
people there is on dates
and you don't, you're not, you know, I'm not the kind of guy that can really
bust into a date
and change the game, you know, and peel a date off, peel a woman off of, of
their man. If they're out
with a man. So I'm more of a casual guy. I got to meet somebody. And I did meet
this girl also,
who's Nicaraguan a while back and we swapped numbers, but, um, but she lives in
another state and
we don't really keep in touch. So yeah, so it's tough, man. It's a tough city,
Los Angeles,
if you really want to find some love, but yeah, that's how I felt, man. I just
started feeling
down on myself and I know that I got to get some of these things fixed inside
of me. Um,
these things that make me feel less than when I am by myself. Cause if I'm not
feeling good,
I can't, you know, I've touched on this the past few weeks. I can't expect
somebody else
to feel that for me. You know, I can't think, oh, well, when I meet, you know,
Marguerite or when
I meet Cheryl that I'm going to be, that's when I'll be the happiest. I got to
find a way to be the
happiest, uh, now and be the most comfortable with myself now. Um, if you got a
chance to check out
the Joe Rogan experience that I was on, I was, I was definitely excited. I mean,
these days that's
a, you know, it's a neat thing, uh, to be a part of because, you know, he has
so many fans and, and he
has just such a breadth of knowledge of different stuff. And, um, and he's a
big guy. So there's
intimidation there in that sense. Uh, but I was excited, man, him and, uh,
Jamie that produces
over there. Uh, it was just neat. It was nice to just spend some time with,
with another man,
just chatting about stuff. Um, and we talked a little bit about my father. I
talk about that a
lot on here. Um, I never really had a lot of that, that man leadership in my
life. I never really had
much of a mentor and my father, you know, because of his age, he, uh, he, I
mean, I remember my father
would borrow money from me, you know, and I was making allowance money and I
was making, maybe if
I was lucky, maybe four or $5 a week and I was a saver. I would save my money
and I collected small
items that I would find. I was really a little bit of a hoarder and I used to
buy little pieces of
quartz and stuff. They had a lady down the street that sold, you know, quartz
and magical rocks and
I would get involved in really, I think I kept her in business for about a year
and a half,
you know, and buying just different stalactite and all kinds of just shit she
had just because a lot
of them, the rocks she said were magical and would make our lives better. So I
invested in a lot of
that, uh, basically just betterment granite for a lack of a better term. But I
remember my father
when, you know, he, he wouldn't have gas money, so he would borrow money from
me and it probably made
me not really think of him as a mentor. Um, and he had this way of always
asking me if, if he ever let
me down, did I ever let you down? And I, of course I'd always say no, you know,
because I wanted him to
be happy, uh, because I knew he was getting so old that I wanted him not to
worry about me. So that was,
uh, you know, I didn't have that mentor. I didn't have that, that, that comfortability
around men.
And then my brother left off. My brother went to live with my grandparents and
dealt with some
of his own demons. And, and so I spent a lot of time by myself in that house,
in that apartment with
women. Um, and, uh, and my neighborhood was dangerous. So I just didn't develop
a lot of,
uh, relationships with men. So I think in, in weird ways, I long for that. I
long for some of that
connection, you know, to be able to just spend time with another male, um, that's
non-sensual and,
and connect and connect, you know, and just talk and feel like we're just
fellas, you know?
And it's a wild time to be a fella, man. It's, I feel like it's hard to be a
man these days. We don't
know what it is anymore. Um, you know, a lot of, uh, a lot of our parents now
are divorced or on
second and third marriages. And so there's a lot of, you know, it's up in the
air as to what it is
to be a man. Um, the old definition of men has been attacked a lot by, um, by a
lot of feminist
regimes and, you know, and, um, attack, I don't want to say not lesbians, but
attack lesbians and,
and soft men that don't want to, you know, uh, support or really discuss what
it feels like to
be a man. I mean, I feel like these days, if you're a, to get out in the wild
and roar,
they'll call the police on you, you know? And the cops show up, you're like,
what are you doing?
I'm just trying to access my manhood. You know, I'm trying to fucking turn my
insides into a damn
fight club. I'm trying to be whatever it means to be a man. You know, in adult
men, uh, I've talked
about this before, but adult men are committing suicide at an all time high,
man. So, you know,
it's a, it's a tough time to be a man, but I'm still out here trying. I think
last week I fell
off a bit and got a little in the dumps. Um, but when that happens to me, what
I try to do is I try
and think about, uh, somebody who's less fortunate than me. I remember when I
was young, they had this
boy in our neighborhood named, uh, Thundercat TJ. They call him TJ. I don't
know what the J stood
for, but the T stood for, uh, Thundercat and they would call him Thunder. And
he, uh, he was born
with some deficiencies. He had hair just growing directly out of his face, you
know, like one of
those, you know, uh, almost just like the dark arts had just almost like he was
just one of his
parents was fucking carpet. You know, he just had this kind of wolf boy, sort
of wookie kind of thing
just growing directly out of his face, his hair. And, and that was, that was
alarming to people.
And