Name: 3-13-17 | This Past Weekend #13
Uploaded: 2017-03-14T11:48:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '3-13-17 | This Past Weekend #13' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '3-13-17 | This Past Weekend #13' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-14. Transcript available.

3-13-17 | This Past Weekend #13

Hey, bruh. You ready for some green eggs in Hampton Inn, dawg?
Dr. Seuss is here today.
You ready for that hop-on-pop-a-lock, dawg?
Uh, uh, uh, Horton hears a hooker?
Uh, oink, oink, oink.
You ever smoke a joint and forget your cousin's name, dude?
You ever wear one sock out the house, huh?
You ever done any of that, you beautiful little piece of space shit?
You ever pee on your own feet in the shower?
Oh, they're so warm.
Well, if you've done any of that, you are welcome here.
This is This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
I don't know what this world's going to be
But I know what to
This is the life for me
Baby, cause I'm a thug
Every day, baby, cause I'm a thug
Wouldn't change for the world, baby, cause I'm a thug
Man, don't we wanna be thugs sometimes, man?
I want to, dude
Sometime I wanna be a thug
That's Trick Daddy right there
Thugs are us
That's Trick Daddy, man
And sometimes I do
I wanna be a thug, you know?
Sometimes I just wanna wake up in the morning and just
Just fuckin' be violent
And I'll say it, man
I do
I wanna wake up
And be violent, you know?
And I wanna just
Shoot
I wanna shoot
I wanna shoot the wall
Or I wanna
Just break a lamp
Or just
Fist fight somebody in the trap house
You know?
Sometimes I wanna live like that
Sometimes I want to live like that, man
How are you guys?
It's March 13th
2017
And I thank you so much for joining me this morning
On this past weekend
Coming to you from Baton Rouge, Louisiana
I couldn't be at home today
I came to visit my family
And to go visit my friends in New Orleans
Went to the St. Patrick's Day parade yesterday
That shit was disorganized to say the least
I love New Orleans
But I do not like that parade yesterday
I mean, it was so Irish, dude
There was
It was so
It was so
It was almost Scottish
That's how bad it was, dude
It was pretty close to Scottish
The Scottish people are about the realest people in the game, dude
I mean, they are
They're thugs, man
They're beautiful thugs, man
They are beautiful
They are just
The forgotten children of the universe
They still fight with swords
You could be at a hospital in Scotland
Easily a couple dudes show up with
Wounds from
Ordinary sword wounds
You'd be like, what kind of sword did you get hit with?
Then he's like, oh, just an ordinary sword
Dude, those people are still
Just fighting each other with fire
Biting
A lot of people biting each other there
That's the kind of place where you still get bit, dude
You gotta be on your bite game
And I guess in the U.S. too
I mean, my cousin got bit by a gay guy
About a month ago
Or maybe
Yeah
So
So we'll see how that works out
Thoughts and prayers with him
But thoughts and prayers with him, man
Good to see you guys this morning
Or not even see you
I want to thank you guys for the support
Of the new podcast
Of
Of the
The comedy album
We were number one on the iTunes charts for a week
So
I mean, I never thought something in my life like that would occur
So I thank you very much for just being a part of it
There's a lot of great new stuff coming out of the pipeline
I promise you
And I really appreciate just the support
You know, I'm excited to do some new things
We're doing a cool fundraiser show coming up in rural Illinois this summer
And then next weekend I'm in Madison, Wisconsin
I'm just getting these out of the way real quick
That's a brand new
A brand new March 23rd through 25th
I'll be at the Comedy on State
And then Tampa
Tampa, Florida
April 6th through 9th
And then at the 21st through 23rd
I'll be in Sacramento at the Punchline
So I don't know what your St. Paddy's Day weekend was like
I came into New Orleans
It got pretty wild, dude
At the end of the parade
I never saw the end of the parade, first of all
Because it was so broken up
We saw two floats
We were there for about five hours
And it was just so
There were people
At the end
There was just a bunch of drunk Irish guys
Kind of
We were kind of by this gay neighborhood
And if you don't know what that is
That's just a neighborhood where there's a lot of gay people
There's nothing wrong with it
It's just what it is
And you couldn't tell who was gay
Or who was just really Irish
Because everybody
It was just like all adult men
Just kissing each other
And just jumping on each other's backs
And just
You know, doing piggybacking
And
You know, one guy was kind of pulling another man's arm hair
They were playing like a little
I guess just a wild game
That they tended to get into
And they were
I guess part of the game was just to pull
Get us
You know, get up under a man's arm
And just tug on that arm hair a little bit
And I didn't stay to find out what the name was
And I couldn't tell if those men were Irish
Or just homosexual
So
You know, it's just crazy how close we all are
You know, I mean
If you get so Irish
You could easily
Wake up in bed with another man
And is that even gay?
Or is that just being
Just way Irish?
But I'm here in Baton Rouge now
I came to see my family
They had a birthday party for me
My birthday is in a week
So
It's not now
But I'm happy to be
Getting close on to another year of life
They had a lot of people come
My nephews were here
They just got a beautiful new G-Pig
And so that's beautiful
Because you know I'm in that hamster game
So I want to thank everybody for
Supporting 30-pound bag of hamster bones
If you haven't checked it out
Check it out
And let's keep it on the charts there
So we also went to Buku Festival
There in New Orleans
And that's an electric disco music event
And that's a lot of children on drugs
And you know
Under the influence of
Just all types of
Just psychedelics and
Delectables
That's going to adjust your
Your atmosphere
You know
And they were having a good time
A lot of these kids
And they had
I mean just
A lot of them just looked like
They'd just been attacked
By big
Just beaten
With big glitter dicks
You know
The boys and the girls
Just
They had glitter
And bruises on their bodies
You know
And just
Looked like people
Had just been beaten
With big cold
Just ice cold dicks
It's made out of glitter
And we saw
Run the Jewels band
And that is
A mixed couple of men
That get up there
And really put it together
And we saw
A couple of other bands
That I didn't really get into
But they had kids
Dressed up like rabbits
And all type of animals
Outdoor animals
And they were eating
Chewing on pieces of plastic
And I mean
Like children dude
They were hopped up
On that dust
You know
They were hopped up
On that dust
Man
And I've been out there
You know
I'm not judging these kids
I've been out there
You know
I remember one time
In Las Vegas
Being on
Under the influence
Of some type of drugs
And meeting this lady
And she said
She was a
She was a mystic
Right and she knew
Where there was
A warp zone
Right
And I was high
Dude you gotta be
You gotta be high
To think somebody knows
Where there's a warp zone
You know
Thinking back on it
And she
Next thing you know
It's 11am dude
And I'm milling around
Las Vegas
With this lady
We were probably
About 30 miles
Outside of the city
Got near some rocks
And stuff
And I got scared
That's when I started
Sobering up
And got scared
And I was pretty
You know
I was bent out
On that dust
So
I've been going
Through some tough times
At that point
But yeah
If you know a woman
She wore like a parachute
Or a cape
You know
And this lady
Is probably in her
Late 40s
And you can't
You just gotta be careful
And that's what I don't like
About some of those
Drug induced events
Is that
Things can go astray
Quickly
You know
And you could end up
First you're with your friends
And you're chewing on plastic
And having fun
And next thing you know
You're out looking
For a warp zone
With a woman
In her
You know
Light 50s
Or
Heavy 40s
In the desert
And so that's really
Alarming stuff
But that was called
Buku Music Festival
Down there in New Orleans
A lot of children
On that dust
And uppers
And
Just fragmented
Their brains
Just
Some of them
Just their brains
Just dripping out
Of their eyes
You know
And some of it
Look beautiful
But I don't practice
You know
Drugs
So
That's where I'm at
Right now
What else
I'll give you
A sensual update
Man
I'm
I'm staying off
The masturbation
Now
I think I have
Three days
So obviously
That's not much
Of an update
So
But
I'm feeling full
I'm feeling fuller
Below my
You know
Below my tool
Below my pecker
Really
I'm feeling fuller
And that's a nice feeling
You know
To be walking around
With your
Nuts
Just feeling qualified
You know
Feeling like
When I look a woman
In the eyes
That
You know
I could spray out
If I need to
You know
I could feed the family
If I need to
If we hit that
Great depression
And everybody
Gotta sip up
That daddy's
Gonna bring a meal
To the table
You know
And that's a nice feeling
To walk around
With your nuts full
Not spent out
Like I've been doing
Because I've been doing
Masturbation
Sorry
I know I'm caught up
Guys
It's
For some reason
I cannot seem to do this podcast
At a regular time
It's 2.30am here
Central Standard Time
But I made it here
To Baton Rouge
Which is where I am now
It was a beautiful
Birthday party man
The kids
They did everything
They were
You know
Laughing
And fighting
Crying
Beating
People was doing
Urine outside
Inside
I mean everything
It was
It was nice man
I mean it was beautiful
You know
It was just nice
Nice to see children
Having a good time
I remember on my birthday
When I was young
I had a couple
Of bad birthdays
Actually
I mean I had some
Nice ones
My mother
You know
Made an extra effort
Always to
Make sure we had
Something
And got a nice cake
Because my mother
Really enjoyed some cake
And she would get
A little bit of
Canned beer
And when it was
Your birthday
You got to sit
At the head
Of the table
So it was
You know
It was a time
Where you got to
Feel like
Different
Even in
Where your place
Was at the table
It was a special
Moment for you
And my mother
Would drink that
Canned beer
And we'd have
Some nice cake
I got attacked
By dogs on my birthday
Some of you guys
Know that
When I was
Maybe seven or eight
I got attacked
By a group of dogs
One of them
Came at me
Off the roof
Honestly
I'm not even joking
Or off of a balcony
Next door balcony
Right when I came
Out the door
A year or two later
Two of those same dogs
Came back and
Jumped me again
On my birthday
And so I've had
Issues with dogs
You know
Some animals
Like that
We had a lot of
Wild outdoor animals
Angry raccoons
Attack
Attack coons
Attack possums
What else did we have
We had just
Violent animals
Lizards
Just
Fucking little
Just gangs of lizards
And snails even
That looked
Like they was
Wanting to fuck
Somebody up
So we had a lot
Of wild animals
In our neighborhood
Anyhow I've had
Some rough birthdays
Over the years
I started drinking there
You know when I was
Probably about 15
I remember
And I had some
Issues there
With a
With a brother
One time actually
I wanted to get
Some vodka
And they had
This man
Out milling around
Outside of the
Gas station
Loitering
They call it
You know
I guess in another
Language
But we
We call it
Usually in America
Milling around
And this gentleman
Was milling around
And I gave him
Some money
To get us
Some vodka
And I picked him up
And he goes inside
He gets the
Vodka and stuff
Because I was underage
He comes back out
Gets in the car
I figure
I'm going to
Drive him around
The corner
And I gave him
Money as well
So he could
Get himself some
Well this man
Told me he was
The head button
Champion of the world
Dude
And this guy
Was a vagrant
This guy was a vagrant
And I'll say this
Man when you're
Driving a car
And there's a
Huge black man
In the passenger seat
And he tells you
And you don't know him
And he appears
He appears homeless
And gives off
Every indication
That he's homeless
Like no indication
Was he given off
That he
You know
Received mail anywhere
Regularly
And he
Says he's the
Head butting champion
Of the world
Dude
It's alarming man
And I remember
I pulled my car over
Because
If I'm getting
Head butted
Bro I'm not doing it
While I'm driving
You know
So I pulled the 