Name: 3-19-17 | This Past Weekend #14
Uploaded: 2017-03-21T09:49:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '3-19-17 | This Past Weekend #14' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '3-19-17 | This Past Weekend #14' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-21. Transcript available.

3-19-17 | This Past Weekend #14

What's up you little gristle whistlers, huh? You alive, dude? Knock, knock. Who's
there?
Hopefully you. How you living, man? You believe in ghosts, man? You believe in
ghosts?
Do ghosts believe in you, though? That's the question.
Have you done enough in your life for ghosts to believe in you?
You ever accidentally urinate on your ex-girlfriend, bro, while y'all was
sharing a sofa,
while you were sleeping over in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, about nine years ago?
Have you ever just wet the bed in your 30s, dude, because you got issues that
you haven't dealt with?
Huh? You ever covered yourself in baby oil and pretended you was back inside
your mother's womb?
Ooh, hey, mama.
Well, if you have, dude, you're definitely welcome here.
This is This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
Thanks for my artwork, Cash Will Skullin'
Thanks for all the birthday wishes.
Just had breakfast with my buddy and his children.
They're whites, dude. I mean, they're about the whitest.
Face power, bro.
Face power.
Good morning.
It is March 19th, 2017.
The year of the...
I don't even know what it is, man.
It could be an animal.
Chinese.
Probably something they thought of, you know, and shared with the rest of us.
I'm Theo Vaughn.
This is This Past Weekend.
And it's my birthday, man.
And we'll start off and say that.
I know we talked about it last week a little bit on here.
I was at my brother's home in Baton Rouge.
And we taped the episode in his children's.
He have three beautiful children's.
And we taped the episode in their playroom.
Where they keep their toys and capes.
Just daytime pieces of adventure.
So here I am back at home in Los Angeles.
And it's my birthday, man.
And it feels pretty good, you know.
I'm 37.
I am 37 years old, man.
I'm an adult male.
Made a lot of poor choices, dude.
Wet the bed until pretty much...
I'd say early 30s, you know.
Probably some anxiety.
Fear of nighttime.
Actually, I remember as a child,
I would get very scared of going to bed.
And the darkness and anything that it could,
you know, that it could hide inside of itself.
And expose to me when I least expected it.
And I would...
I remember at night,
I used to stand on my bed at night.
Because I had a fear specifically of animals.
We had a lot of dangerous animals in our neighborhood.
I grew up in the stray animal belt.
A lot of people know that.
And I remember at nighttime
that I would stand on my bed
and urinate around my bed.
You know, off of my bed.
Just off onto the floor.
Because I had heard that
animals wouldn't attack
if another animal had urinated locally.
So, yeah.
So, anyway.
That was some of my youth,
you know, right there,
experimenting with urine
and trying to protect myself as a child.
And just, I guess,
coming through a lot of fear.
You know, a lot of fear as a young boy.
But, yeah.
I'm 37, man.
You know.
And it feels scary a little bit.
You know,
it's kind of one of the last few years
you can kind of say how old you are.
And I haven't done that for a while.
I've been hiding.
I've tried to hide my age.
I think I've had some ashamed about it.
You know,
just uncertainty.
Didn't want people to know how old I was.
felt inferior of my accomplishments
that I hadn't done enough in a certain age.
But now I'm trying to embrace it.
I'm trying to be where I am.
And where I am is 37 years of existence
on, according to a lot of creeps
and a lot of brothers out there
really perpetuating the idea of a flat earth.
People saying that we've been living on a flat earth.
Ran into a gentleman today
outside of a Whole Foods type of,
you know,
clean food store.
And he really,
he was authentic in his beliefs
that the earth is flat.
So I had to listen to that for a while.
Nice gentleman, though.
I will say that.
But, yeah, man.
I'm 37.
I had a good day.
What did I do?
I got up.
I went and had breakfast with a friend of mine.
A rich friend.
They well off.
And beautiful.
They got two beautiful children.
And they, you know,
they just have nice hair.
And that's one thing about the rich
I always noticed growing up.
Their hair looked very,
like it was bought somewhere.
Or sewn in.
Or, like their hair was from France.
You know,
like they had, you know,
France hair.
And they just,
I remember the rich always seemed,
you know,
like if you saw a rich dude with bad hair,
you were like,
this dude ain't,
this dude ain't rich.
You know,
he's not as rich as he could be.
Um,
because I remember rich people always had nice hair.
But anyhow,
man,
it's my birthday.
I spent time with my friend this morning.
I went bike riding today.
My boy Dirt Nasty out there.
And, um,
and a couple of other buddies,
we went bike riding on these motorized bicycles.
And they can go up to like about 30 miles an hour.
You just press a button.
So you're on a,
on a regular bicycle.
And next thing you know,
you were just flying,
bro.
So we did that in Venice all day.
I threw a little bit of that video.
Um,
if you're on the YouTube watching,
I threw a little bit of that video at the beginning.
But anyhow,
thank you for joining me.
Um,
it's good,
man.
I've had some good birthdays over the years.
I remember a friend of mine has a one year old child.
Now it's older,
but at the time it was one.
And he had his birthday party at a Perry Farrell's house.
Uh,
very peril.
The guy from Jane's addiction,
the lead singer.
So that was pretty interesting.
Go over there celebrating for a one year old.
My ex-girlfriend threw me a surprise party one year.
That was very nice.
Uh,
I had a roller rink birthday when I was young.
And I remember this young,
uh,
this young black gentleman came to the party and nobody knew him.
You know,
we were children and he showed up.
His mother dropped him off and he was pleasant.
You know,
um,
I think Demetrius or Demetri.
He was pleasant kind of an Italian black kind of name.
And he was pleasant and he enjoyed the party and ate and enjoyed himself and
did roller skating.
And then he,
his mom came and picked him up and he went home.
And he was not,
nobody knew him though.
None of the parents knew him and none of the children knew him.
So that's,
I mean,
I guess that's a way,
that's one way to fit in.
That is for sure.
But I appreciate you guys joining me.
Um,
what's been going on this past weekend?
Um,
really just kind of chilled,
man.
I had about 10 comedy sets,
a lot of joy out there.
Oh,
I met Charlie Sheen.
So that was pretty wild.
I worked on this thing called Typical Rick,
which is a Comedy Central series with Nick Swartzen and,
uh,
Simon Rex.
And,
um,
it was season two of that and it had a small part on there.
And I walk over to wardrobe on the set and,
uh,
Charlie Sheen is sitting there.
The big dog himself,
you know,
Mr.
Tiger's blood,
uh,
HIV,
you know,
the Superman.
And,
uh,
he was smoking a cigarette.
And so I got me a cigarette and we started chatting and just sharing the breeze
and just,
just throwing ideas around.
And I had this shirt on that had a picture of,
uh,
Michael Landon on it.
And everybody knows I'm a big Michael Landon fan.
And Charlie asked me about the shirt and I told him about my fanship.
And then he said that,
um,
that one time he was,
he had,
he was escaping out of a rehab facility and that,
uh,
one of Michael Landon's sons,
his one,
one of Michael Landon's children was in the,
in the facility.
And as he was leaving,
uh,
he saw the door open to the room of Michael Landon's son.
And he asked him if he wanted to go party with him and that they left out and
partied for the weekend.
And so that was pretty cool,
man.
And he looked,
I mean,
he was really captivating,
great energy,
super sweet guy.
I mean,
just honestly,
nice as could be.
And he looked like he'd been at spring break for about 30 years,
um,
in Cancun.
And,
uh,
and it was,
it was just cool,
man.
It was just interesting to just kind of chat with him and just shoot the breeze.
Um,
what else did we talk about?
That was it,
man.
That was it,
dude.
And I'll tell you this,
they had a couple of ladies there on set and I think any lady would have left
with him,
man.
I mean,
the dude,
he just got that.
I don't know.
He's got that.
He just had the charisma,
man,
that charisma.
And,
uh,
so that was it.
So that was part of an interesting part of the weekend was just getting a bump
into,
uh,
Mr.
Charlie Sheen himself.
And a lot of times I think on my birthday,
I feel,
negative,
you know,
or just like I haven't gotten things done.
And then sometimes I'll remember,
think about this,
that you were a sperm,
bro.
Think about a sperm,
dude.
There's tons of them.
You were a sperm.
And now I was a sperm.
Everybody pretty much was a sperm unless,
you know,
somebody's,
you know,
doing something different.
But now look at me.
I have,
I have,
I'm six feet tall.
I have hands and arms.
And I mean,
if anything,
I've achieved a lot.
I mean,
I'm probably 30 million times my original size.
I'm really on another level.
So even just thinking about that,
about how far I've come physically,
uh,
that's pretty amazing.
So that's one thing to even just think about on your birthday,
that even just physically,
that you've come a long way as a human,
as a human.
And I really,
I felt a lot of joy today because my neighbors made me a nice meal.
And I got home and they had made me a meal.
And,
um,
they let me invite a friend.
And we went over there and we ate.
We had some pieces of London broil.
And they had,
um,
a salad that had all kinds of cranberries and avocados and delectable tidbits
and this and that.
You know,
things that make your face feel good when you put them inside of your mouth.
And we also had a little bit of coconut ice cream.
You know,
as nighttime set in,
we had a little bit of that coconut ice cream.
And God damn,
that shit just,
oh,
just feels like it's just fucking the inside of my mouth,
man.
I love,
I love coconut.
I love coconut,
man.
And when I die,
I'd be happy to just be packed in it.
Just pack me in coconut and astronaut ice cream.
If you've ever had that,
it's dehydrated ice cream.
And they sell it at,
um,
at museums.
And it's very nice treat to have in a museum or in other buildings elsewhere.
I think back to my first birthday in Los Angeles.
Uh,
I was living with two friends.
I was sleeping under a man's bed,
actually.
And I think I've mentioned this before for $150 a month on a large pool raft.
He had one of those pool rafts.
um,
and I slept under his bed and up under the edge of his bed,
except for if he was out of town,
I would,
I would honestly,
I'd get into that man's bed.
And even though I didn't know him super well,
I knew him,
you know,
we're buddies,
but I would lay in his bed,
dude.
And I would sleep in there.
And that's kind of a wild feeling.
I think,
um,
sleeping in another man's bed and just letting yourself just be natural,
you know,
like that,
because it feels another man's bed feels like another man.
You know,
it feels like you being bad,
you know,
and you just Goldilocks and,
and a gentleman's,
you know,
and you don't know,
and he didn't make his bed.
That's another thing I remember.
He didn't make his bed and getting into another man's bed that he doesn't even
make.
I mean,
it's,
it's,
it's,
it really makes you feel a little bit gutter.
You know,
it puts the,
it puts the,
it puts the guh in gutter,
dude.
You get in there and it's just not the same as if somebody's bed is made and
you get in.
That's very,
it feels a little less.
I don't think it's homoerotic.
I just think it's just nasty.
It feels less nasty that way.
So yeah,
that was my first birthday in LA.
I was paying $150 a month and sleeping under a man's bed.
And also,
I remember my responsibility was we didn't have a refrigerator.
And my responsibility was to get us a refrigerator.
And it happened to be my birthday.
And I finally find a refrigerator on Craigslist.
I get the dude to bring it over,
get it off of his truck.
And I'm trying to be friendly.
I'm from the South and I'm,
you know,
and I'm just fucking at least partly friendly.
And I say,
well,
I will.
I can get it inside.
I don't need any help,
g