Name: 3-27-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #15
Uploaded: 2017-03-28T08:27:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '3-27-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #15' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '3-27-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #15' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-03-28. Transcript available.

3-27-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #15

It's spring cleaning time. It's time to change the game. Time to flip the
script.
Who's this, Henry? Nah, it's Cheryl, bitch.
We're gonna try something different. I challenge you.
Have you ever broken into somebody's house to install an alarm?
You ever left cookies out for your stalker? Quit thinking about yourself.
You ever GHB'd somebody at the club, brought them back to your place,
and just made them breakfast? Ooh, is that waffles?
That's right. Nothing naughty. Nothing nasty.
We're about to forge a new path. Let's get into it.
This is This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
You never make it.
22 years old.
Now let me stop one.
Up above.
Come on with me.
You got to come on up.
You got to hold...
You got to hold on, man.
That's Alabama Shakes right there.
That's Alabama Shakes with the song Hold On.
And I got the shakes in Alabama one time, man.
I was out there in Pelham, Alabama.
And I'd been out there with some other young gentlemen who I knew from
childhood.
And we'd been out there doing drugs.
We were on drugs on...
Basically, I think some ecstasy pills, to be honest with you.
And we got caught up.
And I just remember seeing this band, Widespread Panic.
And I mean, I just felt full.
I felt just like a bunch of damn doves had just climbed into my veins and were
just making my heart beat with their wings, man.
And I felt just equipped with the spirit.
But that could have been the drugs for sure.
But I got the shakes out there.
I remember after that show, I laid out in a parking lot of a Hampton Inn, which
is basically just a traveler's motel, really.
And I smoked a pack of menthol cigarettes by myself, laying on my back, looking
up at the stars.
If there were stars, hell, it could have been cloudy, dude.
It was BYOS at that point.
I mean, I was pretty much leaking feelings.
And I had the shakes a little bit, man.
And I remember just wondering what my life was going to be like.
And then the next day, I went and stalked one of my ex-girlfriends for a little
while.
So anyway, good to see you guys, man.
It is Monday, March 27th.
And it is the year 2017.
And that was Alabama shakes with a little bit of hold on.
Because sometimes you've got to hold on, you know.
Sometimes you'll hit a moment where you've got to hold on.
You can't let go, man.
Whether you're white-knuckling it, you know, and you're holding on, you know,
and just making your own foundation.
Or if you're holding on to somebody else.
Or if you're holding on just to an invisible power out in the universe, you
know, sometimes you've got to hold on.
I just got back from Madison, Wisconsin.
And that's white people country.
You know, it's actually about 85% Caucasian.
Healthy.
A lot of healthy people up there.
A lot of thighs.
Really kind of a lot of brontosaurus-type builds, you know.
Just solid, hearty.
Heavy hearts up there.
Probably got nine aortas on them up there in Wisconsin.
Friendly.
A lot of friendly people.
You can feel when they shake your hand that they care a little bit, you know.
And you can feel that, you can feel it up there.
And I enjoyed it, man.
I was at Comedy Club on State.
And I want to thank everybody who came out.
And we had a blast, man.
We sold out a couple of shows.
And everybody came and enjoyed themselves.
And I enjoyed myself, man.
I really did.
I had a nice time out there just being in the town of Madison.
It's a pretty liberal area.
But it has, like, a lot of conservative values.
I really think it's a nice, it's kind of progressive conservative, I feel like.
And I feel like it's on a great track, that town of Madison, Wisconsin.
It rained a little, too.
So caught a little free water there.
And that was nice.
Good to be here.
Thank you guys for joining us this past weekend.
What else, man?
We'll get into the news.
I'll chop into the news.
I don't catch the news that much.
But this weekend I absorbed some.
The health care bill, it didn't pass.
You know, and on a lot of these news networks, they were just really beating
apart the politicians or whatever.
They were putting it together.
You know, I just hope that they figure one out that does pass.
You know, that does work for everyone.
I mean, it's a tough issue.
You know, I don't really have a million thoughts on politics.
But when it comes to health care, you know, I feel like it's almost inhumane if
I don't feel like everyone deserves to be well or deserves to feel taken care
of.
Especially in America where, you know, I'm not a bookkeeper, but I'm sure if
you got down to the brass tacks, we could find a way to afford it.
But then you got a lot of people that don't take care of themselves, you know,
and so that's really the other side of the issue.
Like, you know, if somebody's just laying in the park all day shooting heroin
and they, you know, and they don't care about their lives, but you're taking
somebody's tax money who does care, you know, I can understand why some people
would think differently, you know.
So I certainly see the different perspectives, but I hope we find one that, you
know, that works for everybody.
You know, I really hope we do, and I don't know if there's a way, you know, I
don't really know, but it does bug me sometimes that some of the news stations
just, I don't know if they really seem interested in finding a way as much as
they do just beating apart the people that are trying to figure it out.
You know, I just don't think the news is as helpful as it could be sometimes.
When it comes to, like, political issues, health, you know, health care is
super important.
You know, everybody needs a Band-Aid or a lung, you know, hell, I'll probably
blow through something.
I had a sister that was born with a bad liver.
She only had about a quarter liver in her, and so she needed a liver transplant
early.
And I know that if it weren't for the health care system, we wouldn't have had
that organ, you know.
And she's a little chatty, you know, I'll admit that, but she's alive, you know,
and so I'm grateful to, you know, the systems that made that happen.
In another country, that might not have happened, might not have had my sister,
you know.
So anyway, that's just my little personal thought on that.
I think we got a lot of issues, man.
If I were, you know, a political official, there are some things I would do,
man.
I would, I'd have a neighbor day, you know, where we find out who's in America.
Because I feel like we don't know who's here.
Kind of like roll call.
Remember roll call when you're in the third grade or the seventh grade or
whatever?
Whenever they finally checked on who was attending.
And they would just call your name.
I think they should do that.
It's just a day where, you know, everybody meets their neighbor, you know.
Everybody go out in the street and let's see who lives around you.
Let's get a head count, you know.
And if somebody doesn't come out in the street, then they're creepy as fuck,
dude.
And maybe we need to keep tabs on them, you know.
Because if they don't want to be mingling a little bit, then that's, you know,
something's up.
Something's awry, you know.
That's kind of like a political thing that pops in my head sometimes.
If that's even political, I don't even know.
It's just something that I would think would be pretty neat.
Outside of that, another issue that sits on my heart sometimes is education
reform, you know.
I just don't feel like we teach children skills that can really help them, you
know.
Like, how to interact with one another.
How to know if your friend is having a tough time, you know.
How to cheer somebody up if they're not doing well, you know.
I mean, I know it sounds like kind of some pretty gay shit.
But, I mean, I feel like those are things we could be teaching kids, you know.
I don't really care if Lamont knows about social studies.
But I do care if he understands that one of his friends is maybe getting abused
at home or something.
And he can recognize it, you know.
I just feel like we could teach kids acceptance.
We could teach kids, you know, how to love one another.
I just feel like we could do a little bit better job of education reform in
that sense.
Just teaching people how to care, you know.
I don't think you should be able to graduate the fifth grade until you're not
racist.
How about that?
That'd be a great class, you know.
Or until you realize what it means to be a contributing member of society, you
know.
I just feel like there's a lot of things we could really be teaching children
that's not factual, you know.
That's more instinctual and more, you know, more of the heart, I guess.
And that's just a thought of mine, you know.
I'm not trying to push my beliefs on anybody.
I'm just, I guess, sharing whatever's in my brain.
Another thing I've wondered is if people who have served in the military, if
their vote shouldn't count for more than those who haven't, you know.
Like maybe their vote counts for one and a quarter votes.
And that might sound crazy to some people, but, you know, I think it would
certainly teach us all to have a different respect for our military.
I mean, if somebody puts their ass on the line, I feel like they, you know,
they should get a little more, you know.
And maybe it's just they, you know, get better packages when they're finished.
But I just think that would be interesting if their vote counted for more than
those of us who haven't served.
And I haven't served.
You know, it's one thing I regret a lot.
I mean, I wasted a few years of my life, surely, you know, just probably
spraying out and thinking about owning animals and, you know, chasing trim
around and, you know, all kinds of just, just void fillers, you know, where I
probably could have sacrificed some of my time and got out there and into the
bazooka trade, you know, or whatever else they're doing.
You know, knife fighting, knife fighting, everything.
So, anyway, those are some things that popped into my head.
Another news piece, Pizzagate, if you guys are familiar.
But Pizzagate is basically Italian food and child molestation have joined
forces in Washington, D.C., I believe it is.
And it's something where there's, you know, politicos and fancy pants people
getting together in the middle of the night to do child molestation at a pizza
place.
And that seems to me like bullshit.
I'm going to have to go ahead and throw that out there because, I mean, I've
spent a lot of time around Italians.
And they are, I mean, they kiss, you know, they'll kiss you on the neck.
The men will kiss you on the neck sometimes.
If you're at the racetrack, they, I'll see them sometimes kissing each other.
If their horses win and getting excited and, you know, they eat for a long time
and look at each other in the eyes and stuff and drink wine.
And I get what's going on.
And they, you know, they're real loving.
But I don't think that's going to lead to them loving a child so much that they're
molesters.
So that's why that whole story to me just seems like a bag of cat's bottoms,
you know, if you really look at that.
If you want to find some child molesters, dude, go to a poor neighborhood.
You know, I think, I think your interests are better looking around there.
I mean, in a lot of wealthy neighborhoods, they have these HOA programs or
these HOA groups, which are homeowners association.
That can make rules about who can live in the neighborhood and who cannot.
So a lot of fancy neighborhoods can keep pediophiles out.
So pediophiles, they're stuck at the gates, you know.
And unless they got long arms, they're not going to be able to reach the
children, you know, of the rich.
But now I grew up in a poor neighborhood, you know, and I'm, you know, I'm not
trying to say that that's anything special or that I'm better than anybody
because of that.
But we had surely some couple touchers by us, you know, and we used to play
kickball with two, two adult touchers.
These men, I'll tell you this.
They had a law in Louisiana.
That's where I'm from.
They had a law there in Louisiana, and that's one of the big 50 