Name: 4-3-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #16
Uploaded: 2017-04-04T06:58:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '4-3-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #16' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '4-3-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #16' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-04. Transcript available.

4-3-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #16

What's up, you little breakfast ninjas, huh?
Hi-ya, boy, what's that, a biscuit?
How you feeling today, huh?
You wash your ears out, bruh?
You wash your booty, bruh?
Your little poop ear back there?
That's all it is.
I knew a guy who could hear through his butt.
I knew a guy who could hear through his butt.
And sometimes if you want to tell him a secret,
you just had to just whisper right into his pants
out round back.
How y'all doing, guys?
We good?
I'm good.
Let's go.
This is This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
That's what they say when we're together.
I think we're alone now.
Hold it on to one another's hands.
Trying to get away into the night.
Put your arms around me.
I think we're alone now.
Doesn't seem to be anyone around.
I think we're alone now.
I think we're alone now.
I think we're alone now.
by Tiffany. Tiffany, that's an artist, a musical artist, a female. And that was
the jam, man.
I think we're alone now. I used to ride on the school bus when I was a child.
And that
song would come on and that was the first song that ever got fully erect to as
a child.
And I remember probably the first two, maybe 700, 8,000, who knows, countless
erections.
Every time that song would come on, I just got just the feeling and especially
with the
vibration of that bus. I don't know if you guys have ever ridden on airplanes
or not or
done air travel, but the vibrating of that plane will just make a man fully
erect. And
so if there's any ladies listening, if you see a man on a plane and you want to
do something
with him, you might as well just bring it up because he is probably ready. But
when that
song would come on on the school bus as a child, I would put my book bag over
my lap and cover
up my erection. I don't know if I felt ashamed of my body. I didn't know. I
didn't know why
I was getting hard in the front, you know. And I had a lot of issues. There'd
been a lot
of issues with young erections around me. My brother used to try to make love
to me when
I was a child. And some of y'all know this and some of you guys do not. But my
brother
used to try to make love to me when I was a child. And we weren't gays or
anything.
We were straight children. And I talk about this in my act. And my brother just
got early
on set erections. He got early on set erections and he just, God, he was just
erect as a boy.
And it was, I mean, sometimes I felt bad for him. I mean, he just, no matter
what clothes
he would wear, he would tie things around his waist like sweatshirts and
sometimes like
a pool, one of those pool toy floaty things to cover up the front portion of
his body that
had gotten hardened. And it was almost like, I don't even know if it was sexual
that got
him hard. It was just, maybe it was. It was just, you know, he was just, just
rocking.
He was just rocking down there in his, really in his pecker. And, and I'll say
this, dude,
he, he realized that he could kind of hide his body in my body. You know, so he'd
always
try to, it was, it wasn't as much like he was trying to do sex with me. It was
more that
he was just like a, like a, like he just realized he, he, like I'm putting a
peg into something.
Like he realized he had this hard part on him and he saw, I guess, maybe in the
shower or
in the tub, because we used to do tub, uh, tub time together, um, that I had a
hole in
my butt, you know, and that's natural. Um, most people have holes in their
butts, probably
almost everybody. And he just realized that he could figure it out that he
could hide
his, you know, his penis inside of my body, you know, inside of the hole in my
butt. And
I know that sounds graphic really. And as I'm saying it, it really sounds, you
know, dirty,
but it wasn't, it was just him just being Randy and him being, you know, just,
just, you
know, a kid, you know, kids are always trying to hide stuff or, you know, throw
things behind
the television set or, you know, um, you know, put pieces of cheese or meat or
something inside
of the VCR or inside of the Xbox thing, you know, put a piece of bologna or a
slice meat
into the Xbox or PlayStation, you know, shit like that. And so this was just
him trying to
do that, man. And, um, and it was wild, dude, you know, for about a year and a
half, I think
it went on. Um, and my mom finally sat us down and really shut it down, dude.
And she
pretty much just beat both of us. Uh, I don't know why I got beat. I didn't
really do anything,
but I probably deserved it anyway. I was just often up to, you know, up to no
good as a child.
But, um, but I remember at night I would try to set traps around my room so he
couldn't
get over to me in case he got the urge to do it at night. And I even remember,
um, for
my fourth birthday, I got a little bag of jingle bells, beautiful bells. Um, I
don't remember
who the maker was of them. I think they were some type of precious metal and I
would lay
in my bed and I would balance some of these bells on top of the blanket. You
know, I'd put
some on the blanket and, you know, and, um, and balance them on top of my body
and then
lay down and just, you know, keep just kind of putting these jingle bells up my
chest in
front. And then I'd even balance a couple of JBs out here on my clavicle areas
and just
lay there like an alarm, you know, making an alarm, kind of an, kind of an
alarm gate.
And then if my brother tried to do sex or tried to do that, then I would hear
the alarms go
off. You know, I'd hear a bell or, um, or something. So anyhow, man, but that
song is
Tiffany and that song is, I think we're alone now. And that song, when I was
young, that was
the song that got me, it just got my innards to just boiling with just sexual
anticipation.
You know, I could feel, I could just feel just dirty blood just running out to
the edges of
my body and my brain would start thinking about the young legs of the women
that I knew, or
I don't even know if I knew about sex at the time. I just felt, it was kind of
before sex
or, you know, before actual thoughts of sexual thoughts of women. It was just
more like, oh,
just my whole body just felt like a fucking, just like a, just like a panther
was just trying
to climb out of my fucking throat and dick and ass and everything. And I just
wanted to
just, you know, just act out. I just wanted to feel. And that song made me,
brought those
feelings about in me. You know, like I was going through puberty right there on
the bus
or something every time that song would come on. Um, but I also felt a lot of
shame, you
know, I would kind of hide. I remember turning my body against the side of the
bus towards
the window and kind of hide my erection against the window, um, and the wall of
the bus, you
know, kind of just trying to like push it down kind of by the seat. I think I
just wasn't
ashamed. You know, I think, you know, my father never taught me anything about
sex. My mother
never taught me anything about sex. So I think I probably had a lot of shame
surrounding it.
But anyway, um, I played Tiffany because I have another podcast, uh, called
Allegedly where
my friend Matthew Cole Weiss and I, and, uh, he's an adult homosexual gentleman
from Philadelphia
and, um, you know, and he is, uh, Jewish and he is, you know, a Northerner and
he is, um,
more educated than myself. And he and I are, uh, are, are really good friends
and we have a podcast
together and Tiffany was on there. Tiffany came in and I'd never met Tiffany,
you know, this singer
and she came in there and, uh, and man, it would just, I didn't realize how
much I was excited to
see her because I didn't, cause I had all these moments with her on that bus.
You know, sometimes we
don't realize with a song or with a, you know, a drawing or something, a piece
of art, we have a
moment. We have many moments sometimes with it. And this was, um, and I wanted
to tell her. And so I
told her, I told her point blank, you know, about some of the erections and
some of the youth activities
that would, you know, that I felt when her song would come on. So that was
pretty special, uh, to, to, uh,
to get to kind of go full circle there and let her know how I felt as a child.
Anyhow, uh, welcome to this past weekend. I, uh, I had a good weekend, man.
Today I went to
meet up with Dr. Drew. I don't know if you've seen this gentleman. He's a
doctor. Um, beautiful gray-haired
gentleman. Pretty jacked too for a doctor. And he, um, he has a podcast and he
had me on as a guest
and we had a nice time and I got to see his home and spend time with him and
his lovely wife. Susan
is his wife's name. And, uh, and we had a nice time. He lives in a nice home.
It's nothing
outrageous. You know, they don't have like, uh, like nothing that riffraff
would live in,
you know, where they got, you know, champagne waterfalls and, you know, hookers
doing, you know,
dirty, dirty stretches and stuff like on different types of ramps or little ledges
in the house or
anything like that. It's very, it's very much like a home, comfortable places
to read, uh, large
television, nice kitchen, coffee makers, stuff like that. Very much a home. But
that was a,
that was pretty joyous. That was part of my weekend. I went to a flea market,
swap meet, they call them. Uh, and it's pretty gnarly. It's a lot of people
just,
I thought there was going to be some nicer things and it was a lot of just
people's shit
that they were trying to get rid of really. Um, like nobody really had anything
that was worth
buying. I didn't think I didn't even see anybody buying anything. I just saw a
lot of people that
had just basically brought out all their shit and was just leaving it out in
the sunlight for other
people to walk by and wander past. That was interesting. I didn't buy anything.
Um,
and the rest of this weekend was filled with comedy, man. I did a lot of comedy
shows,
a lot. Uh, saw some really good comedians, Bobby Lee. I had a nice time with
him. Um,
Chris D'Elia, very funny guy. Um, uh, just a lot of great comedians, man. So I
really enjoyed
myself. How are you guys, man? How was your weekend? We got a ton of calls that
came in on
the hotline. I'm gonna try to get to a few of them. I'm also considering
bringing on a guest,
uh, and doing a separate episode later in the week where we just answer calls,
uh, just answer,
um, people that hit the hotline and are asking about basic life suggestions, uh,
and some guidance
on different things because I, I really want to be able to offer some guidance,
but there's just,
there's so many, um, and I'm really grateful and I'm appreciative and I want to
get to many of
them, you know, a lot of them are still just people. Even last time they had
people jerking
off. There's one, some guy, it sounds like he was doing cocaine with his
girlfriend, um, or just a
friend of his that's a girl, or it could have been a, it could have been a man
that sounds like a woman
that was with him, but they were doing, sounds like cocaine unless they were faking
it, but it
sounded like real cocaine. And I, you know, I swear, I think I know the
difference. Even over, uh,
over, uh, over, uh, over, um, a speaker, I think I can hear the difference
between real
cocaine and fake cocaine. Um, is there fake cocaine? I don't even know. If
somebody should
make fake cocaine, if they made a safer cocaine, I might have to get back out
there. I'll say that,
dude. I mean, I'd do a damn nine ball if they made safe cocaine, bro. You know?
Oh, that's why
sometimes I look at a map and I look at Columbia and that's a country for
cocaine. And I'm like,
I don't, how do people stay alive in Columbia? I mean, if I were nine years, I'd
be dead by nine
years old or 12 at, you know, 12, I'd have somebody give me an eight ball
probably for one of my 10th
birthday. And by 12, I'd be dead. I'd be deceased in Columbia. Um, so I don't
know how they do it. So
thoughts and prayers really down there with those in Columbia who are growing
up and trying not to
do cocaine. Can you even imagine, you know, when you're anywhere at a Shoney's
or wh