Name: 4-10-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #17
Uploaded: 2017-04-10T23:30:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '4-10-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #17' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '4-10-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #17' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-10. Transcript available.

4-10-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #17

What's up, you little crispy dick armadillos, huh?
How you guys feeling today, man?
It's Monday.
Are you ready?
What you been doing?
You been smelling your own breath, huh?
You been smelling your cousin's breath?
You ever done that, dude?
Get close by your cousin's mouth and...
Mmm, that's air incest, bruh.
You ever thought about that?
You ever thought about that?
Mmm, that smells so naughty.
Should we tell uncle?
Should we tell uncle?
You guys ready?
You guys ready for this past weekend, man?
I'm ready, dude.
I got electrocuted, bruh.
Let's get into it.
Welcome to this past weekend.
This past weekend.
What you say, bruh?
What you say?
I'm at the doctor's, dude.
Got that quality H.
Running hemp game.
Got electrocuted, bruh.
Light, like, electroc...
What up?
What up, dude?
Got that straight-up beef cleavage, dog.
You feel me?
Coming in meaty on that frickin' cleavage, dude.
What's up, guys?
What's up, guys?
I got electrocuted, and I just want to thank everybody for all the well wishes.
I haven't been electrocuted in a long time, since I was pretty young.
What's up?
What's up?
How are you guys doing?
How are you ladies doing?
Thank you guys for joining me.
It is Monday, April 10th, and I'm feeling gratitude right now, man.
I got electrocuted.
I'm just gonna start there.
I got electrocuted, and I don't know if you've ever been down this road with
electricity, but
it's a violent force, man.
I mean, it's like, I mean, it's like Poseidon just kind of just finger banged
your butt, you
know?
That's how I felt.
I'm gonna tell you guys what happened.
I hadn't been electrocuted in a long time.
I hadn't been electrocuted in a long time, and you forget what it's like.
You forget the power of it.
I was, well, first I'll tell you about the first time I got electrocuted.
I was young.
I was young.
I was a boy, and I was a young boy, and I was, I grew up near a fairground, and
a fairground
is a place where the fair comes, and they have animals there when the fair isn't
there, and
people show animals and stuff like that, 4-H people, and it was a big field,
and once a
year, the fair would come, and it was not far from our home where we lived at,
so me and
some of the other boys from the neighborhood, my friend Clark, would go over
there, and before
the fair would open up for the public, they had a day where they would let us
ride the
rides, and they charged us maybe a quarter, I think, or 50 cents, and to get in,
and you
could ride as much as you want as the rides were being put up and functioning,
and in hindsight,
I think they were kind of just experimenting with us, but we didn't see that,
we just saw
it as a deal, because to get a regular wristband for the big fair day, it was
about $8, and
we didn't usually have that money, so we would go the day prior, and we'd get
out there, and
they had a lot of miscreants and ne'er-do-wells out there, and men that were
running from the
law, and women that kind of looked like lesbians, but that probably weren't lesbians,
non-practicing
lesbians maybe, and we'd get on the rides, and I got on a ride, and my buddy
Clark was
this kind of odd boy, he'd had some issues, his, he hated sound, he hated
sounds, he hated
all just sounds, man, so he would often, you know, wear something extra on his
head to kind
of keep the sound out of him, he just, you know, I don't, and I don't know why
he was
like that, you know, everybody's got their thing, and he just wasn't keen with
sounds,
and, you know, he liked to, he was more, you whispered around him, he was just
a gentle,
he was gentle when it came to the airwaves, and so he'd often have an extra hat
on, or,
you know, some couple of muffs on his ears, or he'd have his head kind of
wrapped up in
something, you know, wrapping extra cloth or something around his head to keep
things quiet
around him, but we'd get on to the rides, and, and it was pretty good, you know,
I mean,
some of them it was the first run, you know, some of the cages would have, you
know, birds
would have nested in, in some of the different pivots and joints of the rides,
like the zipper
and the tilt to whirl, the Gravitron, I remember the Gravitron as well, I'll
tell you a story
about that in a second, but, so I was getting off of something, I think it
might have been
the tilt to whirl, and it was one of those rides where when you get off the
back, you
know, there's, you can hear a generator kind of really just rumbling, you can
hear a generator
really rumbling, and, and I'm getting off, and I, I was holding on to the rail,
and then
I held another rail, and at that point, I completed some type of a circuit, you
know,
some, some, some, some sort of loose energy that wasn't being used by the ride,
and it
started using me, and I remember just like my neck got real straight, and
everything I knew
just felt alert, and I remember this man was like a tall black man, and
everybody was tall to me
because I was a child, but he could have been a basic heighted, basic heighted
black man, he was
like, you got to get off the ride boy, and I was like, I can't let go, you know,
and he thought that I
was, you know, take an issue with him, or that I was, you know, just being kind
of a, just a little
cunt, you know, and so he put his foot on my back, and basically just kicked me
off the ride, not
kicked me, pushed me with his foot, and there is a difference, you know, some
people are always saying
they get kicked, but sometimes you just get pushed with somebody's foot, and
thank God he did, dude,
because it was kind of rude of him, but thank God he did, because I don't think
that I would have
survived, but that was, I hadn't been electrocuted since then, since we'd been
out there, you know,
experimenting on these rides, the Gravitron, I remember they had a man in there
who looked like
Slash from Guns N' Roses, and when the, when the, that was the one where you
went in, and you laid
against the wall, and then it spun, you know, like you were in the dryer, and,
and it spun,
and the whole, your, the board you were leaning against would go, just start to
just levitate
against the wall, you know, like you were really just on the last cycle of, of,
you know, of a load
of laundry, and, and at that point, you couldn't move hardly, you couldn't move
your neck or anything,
you just had to really look just straightforward, and they had a DJ in the
middle, a rock and roll
man, and he'd be in there playing rock and roll, and I remember this guy was,
had, you know, had a bit
of the pervert in him, and he would, he would kind of show his wiener while we
were spinning, and it was,
and it was weird because you didn't, I remember we never discussed it, because
you were always,
or I personally felt like I was always unsure if I was just spinning so fast
that I was,
that I was like seeing wieners or something, that I was seeing, you know, adult
body pieces,
and, and, um, but now as I've gotten older, I know what happened, and that man
was showing,
was showing out, uh, and that wasn't right of him to do that, I think he was
just being like a party
guy, you know, but that was the Gravitron, because you couldn't move, you
couldn't look and see if
everybody else was seeing the same thing, so you didn't know if, if everybody
saw it, and people,
I guess, were maybe scared to talk about it, um, and then Clark, you didn't
discuss things with him
that much, because he liked to be silent, you know, he liked to just be kind of
by himself,
uh, but anyhow, that was the first time I got electrocuted when I was young,
and, and then, um,
until now, uh, I'm okay, I want to say that, I had a lot of well wishes, people
reaching out,
you know, checking in on me, somebody asked how many volts it was, um, and I'm
gonna answer that,
I don't know, bro, you know, like, I don't know if that's what you, like, I'm
not, I'm not like a
tachometer or whatever, I don't know, I'm not trying to set a fucking record,
dude, I got electrocuted
by electricity, and I'll tell you what happened, I had a comedy set on Melrose
Avenue in, uh, in West
Hollywood, and afterwards, I was walking a few blocks, and they had a food
truck, and I don't
like food trucks, man, you know, it's all, you know, for people out, everybody
in LA and all these
cities are like, oh, food trucks, food trucks, but then they'll, like, you know,
but then they'll make
fun of people who were picking up animals on the side of the road, you know,
like, the area where
I'm from, and they're like, those people are fucked up, you know, like, some
hillbilly grilling
something in the back of his truck, you know, but you're eating out of a
fucking truck, dude, you know,
like, I've never eaten sushi out of a truck, you know, like, some kind of damn
creep, you know,
like, some kind of just damn fucking calorie lurker, you know, so I don't like
food trucks, because I
don't, I don't like to eat when somebody's cooking something right next to the
gasoline, I mean, the
gasoline in a truck is eight feet from the fucking griddle, you know, like, I
don't eat around that
shit, so anyway, I've, I've had a personal issue, I guess, and, um, and I'm
sorry if I'm a little
fired up, dude, I mean, I didn't, I didn't expect this, and it's just been a
long, uh, it's been a long few
days, so anyhow, I saw this food truck, they were, uh, selling lobster, lobster
rolls, which I don't give a
fuck about those either, dude, to be honest, and so I, you know, though, I was
being myself, and I, they're,
they're selling lobster rolls, and I thought they were out of jurisdiction, you
know, I didn't know that food
trucks were allowed to operate on this certain avenue out here in West
Hollywood, so, you know,
being a nosy SOB, I wander over, uh, because I'm thinking that these people
need to know my point
of view, you know, like, oh, you guys are selling crab or, you know, seafood
out of, you know, out of
a proper jurisdiction, really, and in hindsight, that was my fault, I should
have minded my own
business, uh, and kind of around the back of the food truck, they had this, you
ever seen, like,
one of those electric things on the wall, like, just something, an outlet, they
had a huge one of
those on the ground, and I just kind of wasn't paying attention, and, um, like,
a huge one, like,
like, I don't know if you've ever seen a, um, like, I think there's a movie,
maybe, it could be
home alone, where the boy is dancing on a, one of those pianos that's on the
floor, like, with the
big keys, they have it at FAO Schwartz, they have it at a fancy toy store in
New York City,
where you can step on the keys and make the sounds, you know, and they're like
$3,000, rich kids have
them, I guess, and it was like that, man, it was that big, it was that big of a,
of an outlet, you know,
just a big outlet, and I, and had a bunch of cables coming out of it, and I
stepped on it, and I, I, I felt
a meat, like, I was, I kind of got straight, and then I just got literally crumpled
to the ground, almost like
if you've ever seen, like, one of those videos where they pour some type of
liquid over a Coke can or
something, and it just crumbles, uh, that was me, man, I was, like, kind of crumbling,
but one of my legs
was staying kind of straight, and, um, and I was scared, dude, it felt like the
devil was just
grabbing me down, you know, and I didn't know what was going on, um, and I
realized that I was in unsafe
territory, and thank God, it just didn't last for too long, you know, it was
probably two or three
seconds, uh, which you don't think is long, you know, I mean, if you're a bull
rider, you know, they're
supposed to stay on for eight seconds, that's so, you know, me riding an outlet
for three seconds
isn't a big deal, but when you are unexpected, unexpectedly start surfing
electricity, basically,
riding the lightning, it's, uh, it's real, man, it gets real pretty fast, and
so, so I was scared, dude,
I didn't know if I was gonna, I didn't know if I was gonna die for a second,
you know, for one of
those seconds, I pr