Name: 4-17-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #18
Uploaded: 2017-04-17T23:46:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '4-17-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #18' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '4-17-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #18' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-17. Transcript available.

4-17-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #18

What's up you little Christmas criminals, bruh? Huh? You little pancake Neanderthals,
you guys ready, bruh?
Are you ready, man? Jesus back, you feel him?
J.C. in the building, huh, huh, huh, huh, hallelujah.
Man, look at that hair coming in hot today, boy.
Damn, I'm feeling a warm front on my scalp, daddy.
I got that freaking cake gosling bangs with that caramel apple back slap on the
neck.
I'm feeling fired up, man.
Happy Easter to everybody.
You guys ready? I'm ready.
Welcome to This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
Came upon a story in an old-time magazine that is born and graced, man.
That is born and graced, and that is music, and that is, that's two things that
I feel
like I am, dude, you know?
You don't have to be religious, you know, to have faith, I don't think, and I
don't think
you have to be religious to feel born, because, I mean, you're obviously born,
dude.
Prove you weren't born, okay?
Show me pictures of, let's say, your baby crib with nobody in it.
Doubtful.
And also, graced, man.
If I look around in my life enough, man, I feel, I feel that I've been graced.
I feel that I've been graced, man.
I mean, I know I've made a lot of poor choices that haven't ruined me, that I've
been able
to bounce back from, I've had a lot of experiences that weren't good, that I've
been able to bounce
back from.
I've been forgiven by people for wrongs that I've started, that I've created,
that I've
done, and I feel graced, man.
I'm offered grace daily.
Daily, I'm offered grace.
I'm graced with the ability to be out here on Earth, dude.
Think about that, okay?
Try existing on another planet, okay?
People are always saying, well, life isn't a miracle, and it's science.
Bitch, okay?
Mars, dude.
We can't find a motherfucker on Mars.
They're always out there taking footprints from 70 miles away and telling us it's
something.
Dude, you can eat a can of fucking, you can eat a can of fucking Russian piss
with all
that.
I don't believe that, dude.
You know?
Until they find a young buck or somebody out there doing sex on another planet,
man, I'm
just saying, we're graced, bro.
We're graced with the opportunity to be here on Earth, and that's what I'm
feeling, man.
Happy Easter.
Happy Easter to you guys.
It is, let me see the date here.
It's April, it's Monday now, April 17th, and it is 2017 is the year, and we're
still here.
We're still here.
You know, there's been a lot of things that they say could get rid of us.
I think people were a little worried.
North Korea could be one of them, but them dudes can't get it up.
Okay?
Huh?
Them North Koreans can't get it up.
They can't get erect.
They just basically doing a little bit of light Easter fireworks.
You know, when y'all can't, when y'all shouting out at the mouth, but y'all can't
pop off.
You know?
And I've had experience with that.
You know, definitely some times in my life where I couldn't get physically
erect, you know,
erectile in the, you know, in the dick, in the lower penis.
And one time I remember feeling very embarrassed with this young gal.
I don't remember her name.
Kind of taller, big shoulders, had kind of the shoulders of a man, really, and
the rest
of a, more of a woman's body elsewhere.
And, uh, and I was really struggling with some erection.
And she's like, well, I have a friend that can definitely get you erect.
And I was, you know, weary about it because I'm already 0 for 1 sitting there
with this,
you know, a little bit of a blondezilla, you know, a little bit of a, uh, you
know,
a little bit of a blonde squash, you know, she was definitely, she could play
tight end,
um, for maybe a 10 and 11 year old boys team.
And she, um, but she was of age, you know, she was over 18, but I'm just saying
with her,
you know, size and kind of, you know, upper, she had a lot of might, a lot of
might, upper
might around the collarbone and she could have really set it off.
I think they're in a, uh, for, uh, for a boys team around the 10 and 11 year
old age range.
But anyhow, um, uh, so she phoned a friend, dude, you know, she got all, uh,
game show
on me.
She phoned a friend, uh, this redheaded gal who was kind of tatted up and she
came over
and both of them tried to really get me erect for a while.
And, um, and that didn't pan out.
So that was, that was just double the disappointment, some shame really I felt.
And, you know, I mean, I didn't want to let the second girl down.
That was really, I felt like, I felt like she was letting the second girl down
via my erection
or lack of, but, um, but that was kind of a trying time.
But anyway, man, uh, happy Easter, dude.
I'm coming to you guys from Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
I hope that, uh, you guys had some opportunity to spend time with family or
friends.
If this audio isn't really solid, well, guess what, dude?
You can eat a fucking small bag of cat cocks because I'm doing the best I can.
I literally have my microphone set up on a, uh, cookie tray.
Um, and I'm doing the best I can here from my brother's home in Baton Rouge,
Louisiana.
Um, I am, we'll get into some personal stuff here.
I'm, uh, gonna come in at nine months sober when you hear this.
And I know some of you guys party and, you know, do acid and, you know, doing
types.
I know some kids are doing butt acid now where they're doing LSD and they're,
you know, suppository type of deal.
Um, what else, boofing, that's blowing cocaine in your butt.
And you can watch that on YouTube if you want to see some of that, what the
kids are doing.
Um, I know that some people are doing, uh, other types of things, blindfolding
themselves and, and getting high and, you know, jogging and shit like that.
Um, you know, but I'm not doing that right now.
I'm just, you know, I decided I'm gonna stay, stay, uh, drug free for a while.
So that's where I'm at in my life.
I don't judge anybody that can still party at this moment.
Um, hell, I've done some poor.
I'm, I'm in Baton Rouge right now.
First time I ever tried some cocaine was over here in beautiful Baton Rouge,
Louisiana, I think.
Um, and I went for a run.
I thought it was a, you know, a performance enhancer.
I'd heard that.
And I guess at the time I was training for a, um, half marathon.
And so I caught me a couple of grams of, um, you know, that white donkey dust,
you know, a little bit of brain kick.
And, uh, and I went for a, the longest run I've ever, ever ran.
I ran for 11 miles.
Um, cause I never ended up doing the half marathon because I got into cocaine.
Uh, nothing will keep you out of a marathon, like a little bit of, uh, you know,
that white, you know, a little bit of Saturn sugar, you know?
So I, I remember just running along the railroad tracks and I would stop and do
a couple bumps.
And, you know, I did a couple grams and ran 11 miles.
Um, and then I jumped in over a fence into some people's backyard and they were
doing marshmallows.
It was kind of a, I don't know if it was a, it was maybe a family event, but
they were older.
This was the older people were still awake drinking beer and doing marshmallows
on a fire.
And I hung out with them.
Um, I didn't have a shirt on.
I was sweating from the run and from the drugs.
And I sat there and ate a good deal of marshmallows, uh, high on cocaine and
spent some time with them.
And they were LSU Tigers fans, LSU Tigers.
And so was I.
So we had some common ground there.
But, uh, but anyhow, I've had some experience.
Experience is here in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
I'm down here spending time.
My family is here.
I've been in Louisiana all weekend.
I flew into New Orleans.
Um, a friend of mine was disc, disc jockeying, playing sounds, hitting, you
know, doing the hits at a bar where the people didn't give a fuck.
I'll say that.
Um, my friend is a good DJ, uh, but the people didn't care.
And that was interesting to watch.
You know, a man really putting all, putting his all into the wheels up there
and seeing people not really wanting to back that ass up, you know.
Um, so I was trying to be supportive of him.
And, uh, and I feel like I was.
I had some good times with my friends.
Um, then I went to my family's house.
We did a crawfish.
I had two crawfish boils this weekend.
Um, if you're not familiar with crawfish boiling, it is, crawfish are basically,
they're like the Stephen Avery of shrimp.
You know, they're real gutter.
They seem like they, you know, kind of got their GED.
You know, they kind of dirt.
A lot of them got carry a little extra dirt around the neck.
You know, they're kind of the Scottish of, uh, of, uh, of, of, of, of sea life.
They're basically the Scottish of sea life.
And they are, they're a little bit nasty, but you boil them up.
You put some good seasoning on them.
And, man, it's a real treat.
And people get together.
And it's more about the conversation you have while you're eating them.
You know, people sit there and you're, and you're making sounds around each
other.
And, you know, your eyes are really, you catch a strong hit of a, you know, a
peppercorn to the back of the throat.
And that'll light your eyes up.
And so, um, we did some of that, man.
And just, you know, seeing each other be in pain and share their feelings at
the same time.
Uh, that's really what it's about.
And that's what brings people together.
So I enjoyed that, man.
Spent some time with my family.
Uh, my brother has a, a really nice family here in Baton Rouge, dude.
And that's, to me, it's been really inspiring in my life.
Um, I didn't grow up with a family connection.
We grew up together.
Um, you know, we had four, four children total.
And my mother, um, my mother worked a lot.
You know, she delivered newspapers and baked goods regionally, uh, newspapers
locally and, uh, VGs regionally.
You know, dropping cookies and things like that out in the area, you know, out
to people in different close states and that.
Um, but, uh, so we, us kids were around each other, but we didn't have a lot of
connection.
Um, and I didn't really have a sense of a family.
I didn't think a family meant anything, you know.
But it's, that, that whole perception has changed a lot, uh, as my brother, you
know, has three children now.
And watching him create a family, uh, you know, has really kind of inspired me
to maybe one day be able to do it.
I have a lot of fear surrounding that, you know.
It just feels like a ton of responsibility already, even though I'm not, you
know, I'm not even near there, you know.
Um, but it's, it just makes me a little nervous, man, um, just to know if I can,
you know, show up every day for my family.
You got to wake up, not just for yourself, you know.
And I can be, I have been in most of my life, I've been a, just selfish.
You know, I think about myself, I've thought about myself mostly.
Most of my life I've spent thinking about me.
Uh, and I think a lot of that reason is when I think back on my life, I've been
selfish because I was scared, man.
Um, to be honest with you, I was scared that, that nobody else was thinking
about me.
So, one of the reasons I really believe that I was, that I did think about only
me was because in my heart I've just,
I thought if I wasn't thinking about me, uh, that nobody was, you know.
And it's, it is, you know, thinking, realizing that now, and I'm not in that
place now I don't feel like.
You know, I've been, you know, trying to, you know, get help and get past some
of those childhood, uh, ideas and thought processes.
Um, so I can grow up.
Um, but, but that's a tough one to realize, you know, when I start to really
realize that, you know, I was just, I was selfish out of the fear that if I
wasn't thinking about me that nobody was.
Uh, it's kind of sad.
You know, it's kind of sad to think that I went through a lot of my childhood
that way, uh, and my young adulthood that way.
But, but I'm happy to, to feel that I'm not in that place anymore.
Um, and I'm happy to share that, you know, to share just some of those thoughts
now, uh, and let you guys know what I went through, man.
But my brother has, uh, three beautiful child