Name: 4-24-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #19
Uploaded: 2017-04-25T01:01:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '4-24-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #19' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '4-24-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #19' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-25. Transcript available.

4-24-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #19

What's going on you little gentrified brain wiggas?
I got allergies, bruh, and one of my eyes is a little bit shorter than the
other one.
Fuck it, dude. Welcome to This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
You hear that?
You hear that?
That is Army of Angels.
That is Army of Angels from Epidemic Sounds.
And that is, uh, that's that type of music where you, you know, something crazy
is happening in a film, you know?
Like, they got the art and they're running out of the museum or, or, um,
somebody's running through a tunnel wearing like a, you know, like a helmet.
And they're looking for, um, they're looking for a bad guy or something like
that, you know?
That's where the action is.
And that is called Army of Angels.
And that is, uh, that is action music.
That's a sound that plays in your head when you, you know, are late for work.
And you're still trying to make a smoothie really fast in the blender, you know,
when you're throwing a bunch of shit in there and, you know, getting all
fucking jazzed up.
And, you know, you got the banana in there and you're trying to put some peanut
butter in there and some milk and you don't have any milk.
So you're fucking putting water in there.
And you're eating a jacked up fucking rural New York smoothie, you know,
probably has four grams of protein, 70 grams of sugar.
And, uh, and that's what you're having.
And that's the kind of music that's playing in your head, uh, when those types
of things are occurring.
Or at least that's how I feel, man.
Uh, welcome to this past weekend, guys.
It is Monday and if it sounds like it's April 24th, 2017, that's because it is.
It is that date that is where we are in the, in time.
Um, and I have allergies, bro.
I'll admit it, dude.
You know, I'm not the kind of guy who, you know, just stands around red-eyed,
you know, with snot kind of hanging out of his nose like, uh, you know, like,
uh, you know, like a couple of Asian fellas or kids hanging off, uh, you know,
the side of a bicycle or something.
I, um, I got allergies, dude.
I'll admit it.
I got them.
I fall victim.
Um, you know, I can be a tough guy, but also I can fall victim to, uh, to, uh,
to pollen, you know, really puts you in your place.
It really puts you in your place when you think you're a badass and then you
have to sit down, um, and really gather yourself before you sneeze because you've
got issues with pollen.
So that's where I am.
I'm in Sacramento, California.
I'm actually in the kitchen of a residence in, uh, motel hotelery.
And if you've never been to a residence in, it's a very, uh, basic, um, but
comfortable type of place.
You know, it's, it's your, you know, middle of the road type of, uh, motel
hotel.
And I've been here this weekend in Sacramento, um, Sacramento, good place.
I feel like to get, uh, to get socks, to get new socks and maybe to get
murdered or not murdered, but attacked.
So I could see somebody just hitting you for no reason in Sacramento.
It kind of seems like the kind of place where karma is, um, prevalent.
It seems karma heavy.
Like at any point you could get jacked or hit by somebody or a bird.
A bird wouldn't shit on you in Sacramento, but it might come down and bite your
fucking neck.
You know, maybe a couple of black birds or mixed birds might fucking come down
and, you know, just, just fucking just, just slap you with their wing.
You know, or fucking rip a mole off your back with their talons.
You know, it's got that kind of, it's got that kind of edge to it.
It's got like a hillbilly edgely and, you know, it's got that hillbilly edge,
but also kind of a thug.
Everybody looks like kind of like a mixed baby that grew up.
Um, but it's good, man.
It's real people and I love real people, man.
And I think it may have, it may be the city where I ran into the most, um, like,
like fans and friends where I felt like a real connection.
I mean, I just really, really relate, uh, to the people around this type of
environment, man.
So I had a great weekend except for these allergies, got daddy down.
Um, you know, I'd rather be snotting out of my nose than out of my pecker
though.
That's the old saying, you know, I'd rather have allergies than, uh, sexually
transmitted, um, diseases and that, you know, and no offense if somebody has
those, you know, some of that's part of nature.
Excuse me.
But yeah, if you can see on the YouTubes, I'm in the kitchen right now of a Marriott
residence in, and I've got some, uh, some new dates for you.
I'm coming to Phoenix, Arizona in two weeks.
You can come and get a look at my straight up D, uh, not really, but you can
come and be a part of the show, man.
I'd love to have you come out.
That's May 5th and 6th at Stand Up Alive in Phoenix, Arizona.
Um, I'm really excited about that.
May 25th through 28th, I'll be in Tampa, Florida at SideSplitters.
June 1st through 4th, I'll be in Pittsburgh at the Pittsburgh Improv.
June 23rd and 24th, New York City.
I hope to catch up on, jump on the Opie, uh, Opie show there as well.
And then June 30th, we are doing a fundraiser show in Wyoming, Illinois.
It's a small town.
Uh, the tickets will go online this week for that.
It's about an hour from Peoria.
Um, not too far from the Quad Cities.
So, if you're in, uh, Illinois and you want to come check that out or you're in
Iowa, come on over.
It's going to be, uh, it's going to be a really good time.
Small town show.
I'm excited about that.
All right, man.
Let's get into the weekend, man.
It was, uh, it's been a, it's been a chill one.
You know, I'm at this residence inn.
I got into a little bit of a fracas at the pool here.
Um, they got some guys, I guess, been staying here for about a month.
You know, some dude who's real, like, tall, like, beer belly.
Like, almost amazing amount of beer belly for his height.
And he just talks.
He knows everything.
And, uh, and he was grilling, bro.
He's been grilling all weekend at the pool.
At the, you know, who uses the grill at a fucking Marriott residence inn?
I didn't even know they had a grill.
And this dude's out there.
He's inviting friends over.
He's got fucking, they got some lady, like, an older lady out there twerking
about, maybe
about 48 years old.
Um, you know, uh, blonde hair, party, you know, uh, just kind of shaking her,
just like, not
really shaking her, just kind of bending over and holding onto a table and then
just shaking
everything.
You know, it's one thing to kind of shake your ass and do that fancy ass work,
you know,
and to really get yourself, you know, gyrating.
But it's another thing just to kind of bend over and just fucking move your
whole body at
once.
It's like, it's not the same, it almost looks like somebody's hurt or something,
you know,
like they got, uh, like their whole body is itching, but they're not allowed to
scratch
it or something.
Like they've been, you know, they've been told they can't scratch themselves.
So they're just trying to scratch their body against the air by moving their
body around.
So that's kind of what this lady was doing out by the pool.
And of course you got all these fellas drinking and this dude's fucking
grilling potatoes, you
know, like, uh, I don't know, man.
I mean, I've been in some pretty gutter shit, but this dude's out there like
this fucking know
it all grilling potatoes, you know, so I'm trying to go in there and talk to
him.
Just, I mean, they were just kind of ruling the pool.
I guess I got a little mouthy, um, but things calmed down and, uh, it was just
awkward.
It's awkward to see somebody, you know, grilling out at a, at a residence in,
but here I am,
man, here I am.
I'm in, uh, in Sacramento, a lot of missing people, a lot of people here look
like missing
persons.
You know, I put this on Twitter yesterday and I just, everybody here, I kind of,
you
know, I love those shows where, uh, where people are missing.
I've always been a fan of, um, of missing people, of buried treasure.
You know, I can't even sleep at night really, unless I've seen a new episode of
a show where
somebody is missing or where there's a treasure that, uh, hasn't been found.
I'm just having an obsession with that.
You know, I found some fingers by the, uh, in the woods when I was young.
Um, and so maybe that spurned some of that, some of that behavior, but that's
always been
a part of my life.
I love the missing.
So if you are missing, you know, or, you know, somebody that's missing, dude,
um, I'd love
to hear about that.
Or if you know somebody that went missing, we can talk about that, uh, next
week.
I'd love to know if you've ever been missing as well.
If you are someone who went into hiding, you know, or who decided to skip out
on, you know,
a prison sentence or hide from their family or something like that.
I'd love to, to get to, you know, I'd love to have you call in, hit the hotline
so that
I could, uh, get into that and learn more about, uh, what your life has been
like.
Uh, we're getting close to having some guests guys.
I hope next week to have a guest.
So I know I'll bring things up on the show that I want to do.
I appreciate you guys bearing with me.
Um, it's a struggle because some of these weeks on the road keep popping up and
I'm in a fucking
kitchenette.
Okay.
If you're on YouTube, you can see me.
I'm taping this shit.
I don't even have my mic stand.
I have my, I have the top of it, but not the bottom.
I have this thing propped up in a coffee pot that I took the top off of.
So we're doing what we can.
I got allergies.
I just want to shoot myself in the fucking head with an EpiPen.
Anyhow, 985-664-9503.
If you are missing or if you know someone who has been missing, I'd love for
you to call in.
Um, I remember when I was young, we were playing hide and go seek and a boy
went and hid and,
uh, and they never found him.
We never, no one ever found him or heard from him.
So I sometimes wonder what happened to that, uh, that boy.
What else, man?
Um, I read this, dude, that they had some conjoined twins.
I believe they're from Mexico and now living in Connecticut.
That's a real, uh, juxtaposition, I think.
Um, I don't know what that is, but that is, uh, and they don't want to be
separated.
Joined twins refusing to be separated.
And you know what?
That makes me feel, it made me feel good when I heard that.
Because I'm tired sometimes of us doing whatever science kind of says we should
do.
You know, the doctors tell them, well, you know, you have a better chance of
living if you separate.
But, you know, but do, but what's their life going to be like, you know?
I mean, I look at, you know, I, I'm not in this scenario, but I just, you know,
I think it's kind of beautiful to stay in it.
To stick it out.
You're conjoined, you got your fucking, you can high five yourself, but
somebody else at the same time.
There's something beautiful about that.
And to know that, um, that you're in this together through thick or thin.
There's something beautiful about that.
That, you know what?
Don't separate us.
We're going to see what we can do.
We're going to make it through this together.
I think that's pretty beautiful, man.
So that story really resonated with me.
Um, I hope they stay conjoined.
I hope they stick it out.
And you know what?
If they go to heaven, they go to heaven together.
You know, and I think there's something beautiful about that, man.
It's like when somebody gets, uh, you know, it's like if you had a little
person that was hooked on to you.
And you didn't, and you got them cut off.
You know, I wouldn't do that.
I'd say, we'll ride or die, you know?
This is my friend's shotgun, and we fucking, we're going in, and we're going
into life together.
Thought that was interesting.
Um, another thing in the news, I saw the Confederate monuments in New Orleans,
and I know this has been happening in other cities, are being taken down.
There's been a lot of issue back and forth there about these Confederate
monuments.
Uh, Robert E. Lee, other, uh, Confederate, uh, statues and, uh, soldiers.
That, that it's a racist, you kno