Name: Theo Von - If You Love Someone, Love Them For Everything
Uploaded: 2017-04-27T16:57:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - If You Love Someone, Love Them For Everything' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - If You Love Someone, Love Them For Everything' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-04-27. Transcript available.

Alright, we got this call from Franklin, North Carolina.
Hey, bruh. My girl has three really long, thick, bristly hairs growing out of
her navel.
I plucked one while she was sleeping. The root was really bulbous and girthy
and smelled like bone broth.
Should I love her or leave her?
Wow, man. Yeah, that's the hairy navel, dude.
I haven't dealt with that. I've definitely dated a girl with a very small head
for a while.
And even, it was almost just like her neck had gotten real fancy at the top and
had a mouth on it and stuff.
And I remember her head just felt like an adventurous kind of melon.
It was about a three-quarter head, maybe, of a regular head.
And that made me nervous, dude.
I dated a girl that, her mouth smelled like meat around her mouth.
Smelled like different meat.
Like she was just, you know, just hiding carpaccio under her skin or something
around her mouth.
Or doing, putting some kind of meats or something on her mouth at night.
And I know she wasn't. I mean, that's crazy.
She wasn't, she didn't even eat beef jerky or do any of those, nothing like
that.
But she had this very meat, this kind of barbecue-ish kind of feeling and scent
around her lips.
That made me nervous.
I hooked up with this girl one time in South Carolina or North Carolina who's,
her breasts kind of felt like shit diapers a little bit.
You know, like a baby, like if a baby has like a poop diaper, you can, you can
mold the diaper and it'll stay that way.
And her breasts were like that.
You could shape them and they would stay in whatever shape that you kind of put
them in.
So that was very baffling.
But I never said a word, you know, I never said a word, dude.
Because I've had things that I'm sure and do have things that I'm sure women
don't like about me.
You know, I've had hairy back, had hairy buttocks.
You know, sometimes I get it kind of tended to.
They got a Persian lady over here who really hates hair.
And she'll go at it for you for about $50 and really attack it.
But I, you know, I used to be nervous, self-conscious that I had hair kind of
on my buttocks and back.
And I even remember I would walk out of the room backwards.
Like if I were leaving a bedroom, if I'd been making love with a lady and I'm
walking out of the room, I would walk backwards.
Like I'm fucking, like I'm that dude in Silence of the Lambs, you know.
You know, but I would like walk backwards like I was Michael Jackson, you know.
Just like, I gotta go to the bathroom, you know.
Just walk out of the room like that, dude.
Because I was just, I didn't, maybe I was just self-conscious about that.
I had a fever one time really bad and made love to a woman.
And I know to this day that she questions probably the heat that was coming out
of my body.
You know, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was beyond normal.
Just, I mean, it was like a hundred and three degree fever I was fucking at,
you know.
And that's very intense probably.
So I don't know what she thought.
Maybe that I had some type of a rabies or that I was just angry.
Just so angry, you know, to be coming in that hot physically.
So I think you gotta think about that, man.
Like how many hairs and weird body things do you have, you know.
I mean, not to scold you, but to let you know that, dude, you probably have
countless deficiencies.
Countless, man.
We all do.
So you can't really hold your lady to that crazy regard, I don't think, you
know.
I mean, maybe celebrate it.
Get her a barrette, you know.
Get her a barrette and just pop a beautiful barrette, like a nice church,
little church brooch for your hair and put it on the, on those hairs, you know.
Or gel them down, you know.
Make a game about it, you know.
Floss your teeth with them, dude.
Celebrate it.
Maybe instead of, you know, trying to sneak them out of her body while she's
resting.
And how hard does she even sleep if you're able to pull a hair out of her body?
I'd worry about more, about, you know, some of her sleep patterns and about
some of her hair patterns.
And, uh, and just love her, man.
That's what I say, dude.
Because here's the thing.
If you love her, love her for everything, bro.
If she has one leg or one lip or one, you know, or only one, one, one fucking
hat or anything, dude.
Love her.
You know, if you're going to love her, love her.
That's what I say.
If you say you're going to love somebody, then love them.
Otherwise, don't bullshit them up top, man.
But if you want to mail that hair in, dude, uh, email me and I'll show the hair
to people.
Just to prove that you're out there doing that.
Sneaking hairs out of people's body in the middle of the night, bro.
Damn, dog.
That's some Boo Radley shit right there, bro.
But I do appreciate, uh, you checking in.
And I say just embrace her, man.
You know, show her some, some bad hair you have.
And y'all just be fucking hair bears, dog.
You know?
Hair bear up.
Hair bear up.