Name: 5-01-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #20
Uploaded: 2017-05-02T02:19:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '5-01-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #20' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '5-01-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #20' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-02. Transcript available.

5-01-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #20

You ever been hit by a real man or like a daddy woman?
You ever been kidnapped or played hide-and-go-seek rather poorly?
You ever eaten candy in the pews at church, you sugary little Hester Prynne?
I was in Philadelphia all weekend. I had a sensual relapse.
I got my first guest coming on, a troubled brother that I met at the DMV.
Welcome to This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
That's a bad rendition of the Rocky song, man.
Welcome to This Past Weekend.
I put that out there because I was in Philadelphia.
But today, it's gonna be May.
It's May 1st, man. I believe it's May 1st, 2017.
And I appreciate you guys being here with me, man.
We got a lot going on. We have a guest coming in.
I got my first guest, this troubled gentleman that I met.
And I say troubled, but, you know, a man who's going through things, just like
we all are.
He and I kind of bonded at the DMV.
It's Department of Motor Vehicles.
It's the great equalizer of humanity.
You know, everybody has to go there.
And he and I were both there at the same time.
And he had an issue with a snicker bar.
I think it was a snicker, maybe a payday.
It could have been a payday candy.
And he, but he was making me laugh.
And I thought I would have him on, man.
So he and I have been communicating.
He's coming in today.
Steven is the gentleman's name.
This past weekend, I was in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love.
Unless you're over off of Godfrey and Second Avenue, then a couple of brothers
over there were not loving each other.
I saw two gentlemen, one of them was, it looked like a tire iron from kind of
far away.
They were, I don't know if they were beating each other, but definitely tapping
each other.
One of them was tapping the other guy real hard with a, with a tire iron.
And I don't know if you can, I don't know if you can not beat somebody with a
tire iron.
I don't know if you can just, you know, casually hit, hit somebody with a tire
iron.
So it looked like a beating to me.
But I had a good time in Philadelphia.
I hadn't spent much time there.
I went to an event called Night at the Fights.
And Bernard Hopkins was there.
One of the greatest welterweight champions, I believe, of our time.
I believe it's welterweight.
And this gentleman, I saw him one time outside of a fast food joint here in Los
Angeles.
But Philadelphia is his home city there.
And he looked, you know, he looked very like his face had been kind of, I don't
want to say rearranged.
And I'm not shaming him.
I'm just saying I'd never seen a boxer up close this much.
And he looked like a child had kind of made his face or like an artistic child.
A-R, not A-U.
Like an artistic child had kind of made his face out of a papier-mâché or
something, you know, kind of, you know, from one of those, you know, like they
put it on a balloon.
Remember how you used to do that in school?
You would do an arts and crafts.
And I really, I felt like I excelled at arts and crafts personally.
And that's, you know, that's something I felt like I did do well with, glue and
all the craft materials.
But anyhow, it looked like his face had been like a child had made it on a
balloon.
You know, you put the papier-mâché on, then you pop it and you're left with
what you created, kind of a little sunken in because the balloon is now gone.
It's not supporting the papier-mâché.
And it looked a little bit like that, like his face had been just slightly kind
of renovated.
Like his eye was like, you know, like here an eye, there an eye, everywhere a
lip, lip, kind of like old McDonald, I guess, man.
I didn't realize I'm kind of breaking into that cancer there.
But yeah, kind of old McDonald was just, you kind of, it was like, you ever
remember those things on the wall that you had to get close to and then slowly
back away from?
And they would, it would form a picture and you could see it.
It was like a, it used to be a, it was a book or sometimes people would have
them framed on their walls or something.
And, and the image would appear, it was like a 3D image, but not if you were
just looking.
It was kind of like that a little bit with Mr. Hopkins' face.
And again, I'm not shaming him, I'm just letting you know, you know, what a
championship boxer looks like years later.
And it kind of reminded me of that a little bit, like, like if you got close,
you were kind of like, oh, what is this?
But if you kind of move back slowly, then you're like, oh, boom, that's Bernard
Hopkins.
So it was interesting to be there.
It was a, it was a charity event, um, where I was performing, um, and they had
some singers, uh, called Brotherly Love there in Philadelphia.
Four young gentlemen who were extremely talented and they had a lot of great
fights.
They had five, uh, sanctioned boxing matches and they had four, I believe,
celebrity matches.
And I'd never been to a boxing match.
You know, I don't know if you guys have been to boxing.
I'm not, I've never, I've been beaten a few times by people.
Um, I, I have a dream where I've repeatedly punched this, uh, this Ranga, this
red haired kid.
I repeatedly punched him.
He works at a Popeye's chicken.
He's a manager.
And I re I have a dream where I repeatedly punch him.
So that's kind of like a fight, I guess I've kind of won.
I don't know if he's even allowed to punch me.
It's a dream of mine.
But, um, and then I remember one of my friends actually, when I was in middle
school, we weren't
friends at the time, but he was the biggest guy in our school.
Bradley was his name.
And, um, and he, uh, and he and I were, you know, facing each other.
Facing off against each other.
And I knew it was going to escalate and I was hoping it didn't, but I didn't
want to
look like a wimp.
And all the kids were circled around and somebody took, I had my arms by my
side.
Somebody took my fist and pushed it into him.
And then he, uh, beat me that man.
Well, he wasn't a man, but he was as much of a man as you could see in the
fourth or fifth
grade.
He beat me pretty decently, but they had a program at our school in middle
school.
And this was at CJ Shane middle school, the same school that Lee Harvey Oswald
used to
attend.
So just to add a little bit of texture to the environment.
Um, and at our school, if you got in a fight, they had a man named Lawton McKee
and he was
the principal, not the principal.
That was his motto.
I'm your principal.
And he would make you a hug.
So you and the man, whoever you got in a fight with, your co-fighter or your beater
in this
point.
I mean, I felt like a spouse in this thing.
I felt like a 1970 spouse.
Um, you had to stand there in the hallway for the rest of the day with your
arms on each
other's shoulders.
And that let everybody know that you were fighting.
Um, it was kind of like you were shamed a little bit.
Um, it was almost like when they used to put your head like in the guillotine
or whatever,
you know, and they would make you stay in the stocks or whatever all day in
like the 1600s
or whatever or something.
Robin Hood times.
But, um, but anyhow, me and this guy, Bradley had to stand there and you
basically have
to hug each other all day.
You have to keep your hands on the other person's shoulders and all the kids
between classes are
running by and it's really embarrassing.
But he and I became great friends from that because you just, it's a, it's a
great, you
get connected because you're standing there.
You can't be enemies at a certain point.
You know, you're joking around or you're, you know, you get past it.
So I thought that was a pretty neat method that they used in middle school and
he became a
friend of mine.
But those are some of the fights that I've been in, um, mostly light beatings
or my mother
beat me a lot when I was a child.
Um, what else?
That was pretty much it.
But, uh, but it was, so it was cool to see some fights, man.
It was cool to see, I mean, just the intensity of it.
I mean, these guys are like, just like violent ballerinas.
Uh, the footwork and they flew a lot of, uh, fighters up from Mexico and, um,
they had
five fighters from Philadelphia and they had three, three of them were facing
Mexican fighters
and, um, and it seemed like they were just to kind of fluff their records a
little bit,
you know, like they fly these guys up from Mexico.
They probably pay them, you know, maybe 1500 or two grand for flying up.
And I mean, some of them took, some of them took some beatings.
Um, it was kind of sad a little bit.
I felt, I, first of all, I felt like it might not even happen anymore with the
North American
free trade agreement, you know, looming trouble looming there.
But this might be the end.
This might be the last time some of these guys come up here and get beaten.
Um, and they might not always get beaten.
I mean, I hadn't been to fights before, but they seemed like sacrificial lambs
sort of
to, to, you know, put, to potentially pat, pat the, the records of these
Philadelphia boxers.
Um, and it was wild to watch, man.
I mean, just, just the intensity of it.
It blew my mind, man.
It blew my mind.
And, but some of the boxers, the Latino guys, it was almost like when the, you
know, when
you put a mouse, when you feed a snake, you know, and I never had a snake.
I live with a boy that had a snake one time and it bit him.
It kept biting him.
And then it, I think it choked to death, honestly, on a gumball.
He was in the gumball business.
He was, um, slanging balls at local, um, grocery stores and outlets.
This is back when gum was king.
This is 15 years ago, you know, at least.
And he had a snake that I think choked to death on a, is it a gumball?
I think it was a gumball, honestly.
I don't, I don't remember too much more about it, but, um, and ironically, I
think it was
a ball python and that's not a joke.
I think that it's what it was.
But anyhow, um, and I remember he would feed him these mice, you know, he put
these mouses
or, yeah, small mouse in there, small.
And he'd put them in there and, and it was, I felt, you know, I, it just, I
hated watching
that, man.
I hated watching a snake get fed.
And I know it's the chain of, I know it's the food chain, you know?
It's like when I eat a chicken, you know, if there's another chicken over at
the window
looking in, it probably, you know, feels disappointed that this is how it goes,
that I just buy it
and thaw it out and cook it.
I mean, at least he, at least this mouse had a chance in there.
It was alive, but it didn't really have a chance against a snake.
And that's how I felt with some of these Mexican fighters.
You know, they fly him up.
Um, it's a, it's a real fight.
It's sanctioned.
So it counts against their record and the Philadelphia fighters records.
And some of them did, did a great job.
I mean, there were a couple of guys that I thought had a chance to win.
One of the guys I almost thought was going to beat the Philadelphia boxer.
Um, but it was, uh, but then it just reminded me of that, just that, that snake
just like,
dang, you know, this mouse doesn't have a chance and it's in there and it's
feeling
its life out, but it just looks scared because I guess I romanticized it.
You know, I guess I always romanticized when I heard that, that a snake ate a
mouse.
I guess I felt like a mouse probably was somewhere and was cold or maybe didn't
have clothes.
And then a snake, like, like a snake came along and was like, Oh, Hey, you know,
Hey, cold
mouse, why don't you get inside of my mouth?
It's warm in my mouth.
And then a mouse just got in there and, and then it just swallowed it like
trickery.
I didn't think it was as violent as it is when you see a, a mouse just fighting
for its
life, um, in a, in a, in a, in a cage where a snake lives in a snake's cage.
So that, that, that's kind of what, uh, what seemed like occurred to me.
That's what was going on in my brain as I watched some of these, um, Mexican
fighters, you know,
just fighting for their lives out there against some of these, uh, Philadelphia
boxers, so