Name: 5-8-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #21
Uploaded: 2017-05-09T03:27:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '5-8-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #21' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '5-8-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #21' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-09. Transcript available.

5-8-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #21

What's up, you beautiful little lavender sunburnt tit gypsies, huh?
You guys ready for that yum yum off that pump pump, huh?
Maybe I identify as a lesbian, bruh. You ever thought about that, huh?
Huh? Maybe I got that gender-neutral hairdo, bruh.
Because you don't know who I am, all right?
You don't know who I am, but you're about to find out.
Welcome to this past weekend.
This past weekend.
All right, guys. Welcome to this past weekend.
The date is Monday, May 8th, 2017.
A beautiful year, I think, so far for most people.
I am coming to you from Phoenix, Arizona.
And it is the city that never seeps. That's what I call it.
It's dry country out here.
So if you don't hear a lot of moisture coming through me,
That's not my fault.
That's really the elements affecting me.
I used to live, actually, in Tucson, Arizona.
A lot of people don't know that.
Or maybe you do know that. I don't know. I'm judging.
But I used to live in Tucson, Arizona.
And that's, you know, that's not what I consider shirt-sleeve country.
You won't see a lot of shirt sleeves down there.
You see a lot of turquoise, a lot of women and men collecting turquoise and
lying about their past.
A lot of people go there to lie about their past, I feel like.
And that's Tucson, Arizona.
And I used to go to a high school out there, even for a semester.
It's a long story.
But I moved back in with my mother after I got emancipated.
And I moved out there to Tucson, Arizona.
And I used to go to a school that was predominantly Latino.
And a lot of the children, the niños, they would fight each other in the
afternoon
in an abandoned car wash across the street from the school.
And that was Santa Rita High School.
And I would try to learn and be scared.
That's mostly what I did when I attended school there.
But anyhow, man, I'm out here in the desert.
I had a great time this weekend at Stand Up Live.
I want to thank everybody who came out.
We had a good turnout.
But it is dry country out here.
You know, your skin will get chapped.
You'll see people ducking off in the alleys and, you know, putting lotion on
themselves.
And Vaseline in each other's necks.
And, you know, almost, I don't want to say licking each other's necks.
But you see some, you know, activities that will create extra moisture.
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if you saw a man jerking off onto his hands
or, you know, jerking off onto somebody else.
Not even for sexual reasons, but more for, like, grapes of wrath-y type of
necessity.
You know, I remember getting a blowjob out here in the desert one time, getting
a little bit of oral, some oral pleasure.
And, I mean, it was like, it was like, I mean, it was like feeding a piece of
wood to an old snake.
You know, feeding a piece of, you know, craftsman's wood or something.
A piece of dry wood to an old snake.
It was, you know, not good blowjobs out here because it's not, this country isn't
built for it.
You know, this country is more for, you know, letting things get bleached by
the sun.
It's more for skin cancer and, you know, fancy people, I feel like.
You also have a lot of wealthy people out here who can buy a lot of land.
And they have, like, an estate and, you know, hiding hookers in their houses
and being naughty and being nasty.
But I've had a nice time here and I want to thank everybody that came out to
Stand Up Live in Phoenix.
It was a pretty good weekend, man.
You know, I was staying in a beautiful hotel here downtown.
Chris Rock was staying in the same hotel as me.
He was performing here on Saturday night.
So, I mean, I even got texts from a lot of my friends who were coming and
saying they couldn't come, that they were going to see Chris Rock.
And, you know, it hurts your feelings a little bit just because you want people
to come out to the show.
So, I felt a little bit, you know, I felt less than.
Of course, ridiculous feelings because this man is a star.
You know, this man is a superstar.
And he's, I think he's, he's one of my favorite comedians.
Just so smart.
Amazing jokes.
I got to hear him practicing some of his jokes at the comedy store recently,
talking about his infidelities.
You know, he's talking about cheating on his wife and who he cheated with and
stuff like that.
And being very candid, and I appreciate that.
But we still had a lot of fans that came out, a lot of friends that came out,
and it made me feel pretty good.
Outside of that, dude, honestly, I got a little bit depressed, bro.
I don't know what happened.
You know, I don't know.
You know, I think just a lot of traveling week after week, being out, running
around.
You know, I've fallen off my program in the past week.
You know, I'm staying sober and stuff, but I haven't been going to as many
meetings.
I haven't been reaching out to others that I know could probably use a call
here and there.
You know, I try to keep, you know, about three calls on my list every day of
things to do, of just checking in with a friend.
You know, checking in with somebody who maybe mentioned a problem or mentioned
something that's going on.
Or somebody who's having, you know, just somebody, a human.
Because I find that I can get very inhumane, caught up in, you know, dancing
around with these electronics and trying to be a human superhero on different
social media sites and just, you know, get caught up in my own world and get
caught up bathing my ego.
You know, it's amazing how much time we spend bathing our egos.
I do anyway.
So I just got, I don't know.
I fell out of my, I just fell out, man.
And I just, like yesterday I was pretty depressed.
I laid in bed a lot.
I ate a whole thing of Snickers, dude.
I ate an entire thing of those little baby Snickers.
And there's something, I won't eat a big Snicker.
I won't eat, I won't eat a big Snicker.
And I think, I don't know if it's, I don't know if I'm a pussy, you know, or if
I'm just being like a candy bitch or some kind of little sugar pussy.
But I will only eat the little ones, the baby ones.
You know, and I don't know what that means about me.
I don't know if it's, I want to be a predator, you know.
I don't know if it means that I'm, I feel like a damn sugar pedophile, really.
Because I won't eat the big ones.
I won't do it.
And I don't know what that means.
I think I need to look into that or probably speak to someone about that.
A therapist or someone who's in the culinary world.
But I bought a bag of the little baby ones, man.
And I ate them all.
I ate them all.
I wouldn't let the cleaning lady in.
I didn't want her to see the wrappers.
So that was some of my shame that I'm sharing with you.
I got bummed out.
I just, I watched specials on YouTube about missing children.
You know, I tend to do that sometimes.
I don't know why.
When I get at my low, at my sober lows, I'm watching specials about missing
children on YouTube.
And I'm eating baby Snickers.
You know, as many as I can eat.
So that's kind of, I guess, what went on with me.
And I don't know why I felt bad.
You know, I couldn't really put my finger on it.
I tried to fight it some.
You know, when I was feeling low, I went for a workout.
And that helped some.
You know, I did a little bit of prayer.
You know, to speak into like a higher power.
Trying to get out of myself.
You know, I believe in prayer.
And it doesn't have to be to God or to Jesus Christ.
Or to, you know, Allah.
Or, you know, you know, Jewish God.
Or to, you know, whatever.
Black God.
Or, you know, Black Santa.
Or whatever people are praying to.
It can be whatever.
But I believe in taking some of the pressure of the world off myself.
And asking for help.
Even if it's to a spirit.
To a being.
To a higher power.
To whoever your God can be.
I believe in that.
I believe it, man.
Because the weight of the world is heavy.
The weight of the world is heavy.
So I got a little bummed out, man.
I got caught up.
Just, you know, I wanted to sleep.
I would sleep and set my alarm for about 20 minutes.
And hope that whenever I woke up, I would feel better.
You know.
And that never works.
A lot of times you got to really take action.
Get moving.
And I didn't do that.
I could have done a better job.
So that was just some of my weekend, man.
Sometimes you have those days.
You know, and I don't know.
Sometimes I can't tell when they're coming on.
When you just don't feel good.
You know.
And the bummer is that, you know, I called some of my friends.
I called a friend and he was having, you could hear he was spending time with
his family and stuff.
And I wanted to kind of vent my, you know, some of my feelings.
But I got embarrassed, I guess.
I didn't want to ruin his good time.
By sharing the fact that I wasn't feeling super keen.
You know, I wasn't, I wasn't Superman.
And, you know, I was Clark Kent.
And, um, anyhow, you know, I'm not trying to down you with my feelings.
But those are some feelings that I had, you know.
We got some good calls that came in over the past two weeks.
Really, a lot of people talking about the future.
And I know we touched on it a little bit last week.
Uh, we also touched on missing persons.
We had a special episode in between.
Um, and I'll, I'll get into the future a little more.
I want to talk about that more next week.
A little bit about the future.
So if you're thinking about hitting the hotline, um, you know, we're not moving
on yet in the, in the program.
I'm just letting you know.
If you're thinking about hitting the hotline, that that number is 985-664-9503.
Um, and I want to know what some of your concerns are, again, about the future.
I want to talk about that a little bit more.
Uh, because some people, you know, we're like, well, you know, the automated
car already exists.
And, and I know it already exists.
I'm not saying it doesn't.
I'm just saying the ability to implement those things successfully into the
universe that we already have functioning here, I think is extremely far-fetched.
You know, I think it's a lot tougher than we think.
I mean, for example, the CVS self-checkout.
Dude, I was ready to beat the fuck balls.
Dude, I'll beat the damn eyelashes off of some, you know, little guy.
He, uh, trying to buy Gatorade.
I'm trying to get an orange Gatorade, you know, to boost my spirits.
And I got five self-checkout things.
And this little guy, and he just, it wouldn't let me check out.
And then it thinks I'm stealing.
And it's, the bag is in the wrong place.
And I didn't pay for a bag.
And I'd already bought some stuff at the other register.
So now I'm at the different register.
Because there's two entrances to the store.
And I'm trying to get a Gatorade.
You know, and this guy's giving me a hard time.
And it, you know, uh, and finally I said, you know what, dude?
Fuck it, bruh.
I'll drink water.
I'll drink damn tap water.
And try to imagine different flavors while I'm swallowing it.
Because, I just, the self-checkout shit doesn't work well.
You know, and people are angry.
And then there's some guy and he just swipes his little thing on the dam.
And it beeps.
And then everything's supposed to be okay.
It wasn't okay.
You know, so I don't know.
If we can't get that to work, I don't know how we're going to get some of this
other fancy shit that everybody wants.
You know?
I don't know.
I don't mean to be fired up.
I'm just, I mean, I'm just queefing in my damn brain.
I feel like, I just don't, I don't know, man.
It was just a long one.
You know, it was a long one.
And when I get to feeling depressed, I just, things stack up fast.
You know?
It could just be a little thing, you know?
And then it's suddenly I'm not that good, I'm not a good person.
You know?
Or I didn't, I don't try hard enough.
You know, and then, you know, Chris rocks across the street.
And so then it's like, oh, I'm, well, I'm unsuccessful.
You know?
And those things start to add up.
And then it's like, oh, well, I'm, you know, working on the road and I'm by
myself.
And, you know, the next thing you know, I'm doing masturbation.
Just masturbating out of shame, really.
You're out of, just, I