Name: 5-22-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #23
Uploaded: 2017-05-22T22:52:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '5-22-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #23' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '5-22-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #23' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-22. Transcript available.

5-22-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #23

What's up you little barbecue cinnamon biscuits, you little caramelized Funyuns
boy, you got that junk.
You ever made love to a carnival worker? Well, daddy gots that Gravitron.
So get your tickets, step right up. Welcome to This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
Celebrate living, celebrate misery, you know that soon we're gonna die, let's
have some fun while we all die.
I want to thank Spencer Jacob Grau for sending us that intro music that was
listed and submitted.
Thank you very much. That's Celebrate.
And welcome to This Past Weekend.
I hope everybody's had a wonderful weekend.
It's Monday, May 22nd, the 22nd of May.
May is kind of that month that's, it's not all yet summer.
Some places are still thawing out.
Some places are in extreme heat.
A lot of nap time.
I don't know if it's just me, but just tired is, I mean, I see people sleeping
at bus stops
and people that might be dead, but are hopefully just sleeping.
I see, you know, a lot of just resters and even birds.
Like, the chirping you hear is more like a, chirp, chirp.
Like everything is just, you know, it's, it's, I guess it's that, it's that
time where things are just kind of conserving their energy
to fend off that, that hard summer that's coming upon us.
You know, that dirty heat, that fancy heat that can just press you.
I mean, when that heat comes, it can be violent.
I mean, heat, sometimes the sun just burns down a house.
You ever thought about that?
Sometimes the sun just burns down a house.
Oh, a forest fire started?
Why?
Oh, the sun did it.
Yeah, everybody wants to talk about, you know, how science is amazing and
everything,
but the sun is out there sometimes fucking burning down houses.
So let's be realistic and recognize what can go on out there and recognize that
it still may
and that things can be dangerous.
You know, things can be dangerous.
Welcome.
We got a lot of good stuff on this episode of this past weekend.
We don't have a guest.
We do have some news we're going to hit.
Trump was over there hanging out with the Slims, the Muzzies.
He's in Muslim land.
We had a girl got attacked by a sea lion.
Some students walked out in Notre Dame at the commencement speech from Vice
President Michael Pence.
And what else happened?
I don't know.
We'll see.
We'll see what else happened.
I got some new dates that I want to drop on you guys.
I'm traveling.
You know, I'm taking this show on the road.
I will be in Pittsburgh, Nashville, Stark County, Illinois, New York City,
Orlando, Florida,
where that alligator got that child and where Disney World is at and millions
of people are.
San Diego and Las Vegas all before the end of July.
Tickets and info at theovan.com slash tour.
So you can crack into that.
Also, theovan.com slash store has the new album.
It's called Musket Fire, the early years of satire.
It's all the early stuff.
It's stuff that's similar to what's on the Netflix special.
And it is, you may already have it.
Some of you guys might have gotten it at a show, at a live performance.
If that's the case, then you don't need it.
You know, so anyway, this is not for you then.
You won't want doubles.
But it's for some people.
I want to thank Kara.
I had a lovely lady come and meet me at a show and gave me this new mug, this
This Past Weekend mug.
So I'm happy to have that.
And I'm even happier to be here with you guys.
I want to give you guys the hotline number.
People are always asking me, you know, what is the hotline number?
I don't have it.
You know, I don't know how to use a phone.
My grandmother's ill.
Whatever.
That number is 985-664-9503.
You can call in there, ask questions for basic life suggestions that we can
offer.
And I also realized you can text that number.
I've thought about putting up an email where people can email.
But for now, since we still don't have an email, you can text that number if
you don't feel comfortable calling.
That number again, 985-664-9503.
And let's hit.
Let's hit the news, man.
Yeah, Trump was in, I guess he's in Saudi Arabia, Iran.
Trump was in Iran or Iran.
People call it different things.
That's fine.
You know, I'm kind of fascinated with seeing Trump go anywhere.
I mean, I think Trump single-handedly seems to keep the news in business.
I don't know what they would talk about.
Like, if it weren't for Trump, would there even be any news?
Would those companies be able to find news?
You know, there's a lot of distrust with the Middle East.
That place can never seem to get along.
It's unfortunate.
I mean, it's hot as hell.
It's like, I'm surprised they all just don't stay indoors and email each other.
I'm amazed that the Middle East is even able to fight each other and have that
much anger when it's so hot out.
You know, I like, if I get angry, I prefer to get angrier in the colder months
where even that anger is kind of creating some self-warmth for you and
providing, you know, a positive for you as a person.
You know, like, I remember being so cold that I just got furious so I would
feel more comfortable.
So I'm amazed that the Middle East is able to, you know, just keep all the strife
up.
I mean, I wish they would mail some of the oxycodone problem that we have in
America over there just to give everybody a little bit of time to chill out,
you know.
Who knows, maybe some global warming will bring some beaches over there into
the Middle East and maybe some new shoreline will help everybody relax.
I think spending time by the water is usually very calming.
I remember actually going back to last episode, we had people call in about the
first time somebody touched their crotch, you know, we had a man and a woman
call in.
And if you didn't get to hear that, really fascinating and interesting to me,
to hear somebody's experience of the first time they got that hand, somebody
put their hand on their meat, on their downtown, you know, on their, you know,
on that.
It's when you're, because at a certain age, your crotch really starts to kind
of beckon another, if you will.
It's almost like your crotch doesn't exist and then you hear your crotch start
to whisper a little bit, whisper this like, somebody, somebody, you know,
somebody looky, looky, looky, looky.
And at first you don't, but as you get a little older, that it starts to be
like, somebody looky, somebody looky, touchy, touchy, touchy.
You know, your crotch starts to beckon, come here, come here, come here, your
crotch starts to want another.
It's almost like a magnet is put into your body.
It's almost like a magnet that is shaped like whatever your crotch parts are.
And we had some callers that called in towards the end of last week's episode
talking about the first time they got touched in that area comfortably, you
know, by a person they trusted and were interested in.
And one woman got touched in a refrigerator box, which I thought was
interesting.
And another fella hooked up with a girl in the back of a truck, which also was
very, which I could relate to.
But I remember, I never got to iterate my time the first time I, you know, had
really had some gal touch me down there.
I was on a boat dock and that's where a boat, if you have a boat, instead of
just pulling it right up by the shore and getting off of it, like you're some
kind of pilgrim, people build a little dock, a piece of wood, a stretch.
A bunch of wood from the land out into the water kind of meets the boat halfway.
It's almost like a handshake, like a wooden handshake that goes out from the
land and, you know, kind of welcomes the boat, welcomes the boat back from,
from the water.
But anyhow, this gal gave me a hand job, an ejaculatory experience out there by
the, on this boat dock.
And it was nighttime or dusk, you know, it was just starting to get dark, I
guess.
And I started, you know, spraying out at the end, you know, and that's nature.
And some people think that's gross and whatever.
And well, guess what?
If you think that's gross, then you must think that you're gross because you
got here because of ejaculation.
Do you realize that?
That all most of us are is tall ejaculation.
That's all we are.
We are ejaculation that has gone astray, if anything, at best, you know.
And so if you're grossed out by that, then you need to come to terms with that,
I think, you know.
I hate to pass judgment, but that is, you got to get that together.
Because if someone's talking about semen or seed, and that's what you're made
out of at your root level, then that's alarming if you can't deal with that, I
feel like.
You know, that's how you started, you know, you weren't made out of, you know,
sugar and flour.
You're not a recipe, you know, you are seed and egg.
So anyhow, I remember getting ejaculated out into the water off this boat dock.
And all these fish came and started, you know, just devouring all of, you know,
what I'd created with my body, my ejaculation, you know.
And I hate to, now I am, now I'm feeling kind of, I've said it enough.
They started devouring up my seed and I remember that gave me nightmares for, I
don't even know how long, months at least, that, you know, that there were, you
know, I'd have these dreams that I was, you know, like around fish and I was
erect and it was just alarming.
And I'd get alarmed near fish and near water and my, I would feel just nervous
whenever I would swim in the river or anything, extremely nervous, scared of
snakes and then also scared of that these fish that had gotten this, you know,
dessert out of my body were going to come back and were going to find me or
knew me, you know, as if like a, because, you know, a dog's, sometimes a dog's
can remember your smell.
They have dogs, some dogs work for the police department and they are, you know,
prime time sniffers and when, and they can, you know, remember you just through
their nose.
And I was worried that fish would be able to remember me and come back and get
me.
But anyhow, what we're talking about, Trump was in the Middle East.
You know, I just think, I think it's funny watching Trump do anything, you know,
he's a fish, he is a fish out of water, you know.
He wasn't a politician, he got into it, you know, he got, he won the election
and I've never been a big fan of politics.
I don't think any of these politics, I don't think this system for me is set up
to really, I don't think it's helping as much as we wish it could.
And also, I don't know if it ever will or can.
You know, I don't know what a lot of our complaints are sometimes.
Like, all we can do is do our best for ourselves, you know.
I mean, I just need to continually worry about me and about keeping my side of
my life clean, you know, because I still have problems.
Before I can even really, when I think about it, even though I get mad about
things politically, the bottom line is I'm not.
My politics and my own life and heart aren't even straight.
So to then expect the whole system to be great when I'm not as organized and as
functioning and efficient as I could be, it's a big ask.
It's a big ask, you know.
But I'm worried less about politics, since I don't, you know, I don't have that
much faith in the system, that I'm worried more about news and where do we get
real news these days, you know.
And people, you know, I'm not going to go into it, but I just, I find that the
news these days is all advertising.
It's all, I look at it all as advertising.
It's all an opinion more than it is the facts.
So where do I get my news these days?
I trust my heart, my instincts, and that's it, really, you know.
And I try to just stay on the slow trail of making myself better on the
politics that are inside of me, because those are hitting really close to home,
aren't they?
So why don't we try and maybe, you know, we can try to spend our time, you know,
gestating over those rather than the big picture ones.
What else in the news?
Notre Dame students walked out.
They had a commencement speech or a fancy talk, you can call it.
Mike Pence, who is the vice president, who, you know, this year everybody's in
an uproar about