Name: 5-29-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #24
Uploaded: 2017-05-29T23:27:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '5-29-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #24' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '5-29-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #24' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-05-29. Transcript available.

5-29-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #24

This Past Weekend
Gave proof through the night
I'm not gonna sing it, man. I'm just gonna let it continue to be there in the
back of our heads and in our hearts.
Welcome to This Past Weekend. I'm Theo Vaughn. It is Monday, May 29th.
Sorry, I got a little bit of a frog in my throat. They say that.
And I'd hate to be the man who ever first had that, you know.
Because it was probably an actual diagnosis at some point, you know.
I mean, that had to be sheer hell, you know.
So thankfully, it's just for me, I know these days it's just a bit of an itch.
But I'm coming to you live, well currently live, but maybe not when you're
hearing this.
I'm coming to you live on Memorial Day.
I want to wish everybody a happy Memorial Day.
If anybody has served or has a family member that has served, thank you.
Thank you for my freedom.
My job as a comedian is a freedom of speech.
So that is, my job is directly affected by the sacrifices made by those who
have defended our freedom and have served our country.
I'm a big supporter of the military as much as I can be.
I actually almost thought for a little while that only people who have served
in the military should be able to vote or that their vote should count for more.
That was just a thought that I had at some point that just kind of popped into
my head.
But happy Memorial Day to everybody.
I am here in Tampa.
I'm coming to you from Tampa.
And before we get into it, I'm going to let you know some dates really quick.
Just so you know, I have shows in Pittsburgh next weekend.
Then I'm at Calusa Casino near Chico, California.
Then I'm in New York City, Nashville, Stark County, Illinois, San Diego, and
Las Vegas all by the end of July.
And you can check out those dates at theovahn.com slash tour, T-O-U-R.
But I'm happy to be here in Tampa, man.
Thank you guys for joining me today.
And happy Memorial Day or whatever day you're listening.
Making sure this is on.
Whatever day you're listening to this show.
It's been an interesting week.
I spent some time with some fans and friends of the show that came out.
Took a couple of young fellows to Chili's yesterday for dinner.
I thought that they were, you know, lovers actually.
Some younger gentlemen.
Nice skin and, you know, lean arms and just supple, supple looking guys.
But nice, you know.
And one of them had, you know, kind of fancy hairdos.
And I thought that they maybe were lovers, but they're just cousins.
So we had a nice time and had some salmon and enjoyed each other's company
there at the Chili's.
Chain restaurant here in, outside of Tampa.
Down here in Florida.
And this is Florida.
And you know that.
You're familiar with that.
What else?
A nice fellow named Ned, which I didn't know was a name still.
It's like Ed, but with Nuh, you know.
Took me to the weight gym.
We went to the Crunch's Fitness, you know.
And we had a nice time.
Still can't really move my neck very well.
So I'm a little necked up.
But Ned got that neck workout on point, dude.
And we had a nice time.
And those are people that I met at the shows.
I'm here at Holiday Inn Express.
As you can see behind me, if you're watching on the YouTube, you can see the
beautiful curtainage.
I've moved a couple of lamps in the room so that I'm getting enough light.
So this is going to be what it's going to be today, guys.
It's tough when I'm out here on the road.
It's midnight.
I got me some coffee.
I'm flying back to Los Angeles in about six and a half hours.
But I'm happy to be here with you.
And happy Memorial Day to you guys.
I hope it's been a great weekend.
Hope you're enjoying time with your loved ones or with yourself.
You know, but I do hope that you're staying active.
What else?
I met a couple of lesbians here in the pool.
Some adult lesbians.
Down here in the swimming pool at the Holiday Inn Express out here off of
Corporate Boulevard.
And we, I didn't see one of them was hiding in the corner smoking weed.
Kind of ducked out under some trees kind of that were looming over the gate.
So I thought it was just this one lady who was out there in the pool.
And she kept asking me when I was coming to the pool again.
Like she wanted to kind of set up a little date.
And then I heard her lady chime in in the distance, you know.
Tougher lesbian.
You know, more of a sturdier gal.
And, and then I realized they're both pretty jacked.
And they kind of invited me to spend time with them.
You know, if I wanted to hang out.
You know, and at 4.30 in the afternoon.
I mean, that's really, that's a, and on Memorial Weekend, they're celebrating.
You know, they're getting, you know, letting their, you know, letting their, uh,
curtains hang, if you will.
You know, letting them, letting the balls drop, you know.
And they wanted me to do some, uh, maybe sexual activity or spend some time
relaxing.
You know, they were asking what kind of television programs I liked.
And if I wanted to, you know, you know, kind of spend time with them.
Um, and almost, because one of them looked as if she'd served in the military.
She had some military tattoos on her arm.
Uh, she was pretty jacked, shaved head, um, black woman or African-American.
And then another white, older kind of granddaddy of a lady.
And then I realized that if I were going to get in a threesome with these gals,
that I would be the woman.
That was the crazy part, man.
I would be, you know, or I would be the, the service animal, if you will.
You know, I'd be the, the C and I dog, you know, I'd be probably the one, you
know, the, the pig that's getting roasted.
I wouldn't be one of the spigots.
I had a feeling that these girls were ready to put some, uh, you know, to take
some of, um, maybe some gender resentments they may have out on me.
And I almost, I almost got involved with them just sheerly out of it being
Memorial Day weekend and wanting to do whatever I could for America or, you
know, kind of give back.
Give back out of myself, out of my time, uh, to be of service with these gals.
But then I chose not to, you know, because I just didn't want to be involved.
And I almost, I was a little bit nervous, you know, but we had a good time, man.
Had a good time with those ladies.
Uh, and I passed on the sex, sexual opportunities.
What else?
I ate a lot of barbecue, man.
I ate a lot of barbecue, dude.
Uh, went to the same barbecue place five times.
And, and it's, uh, it's a lot of men in there eating barbecue, you know.
Um, it kind of reminded me of like a Carl's Jr.
I don't know if you've ever spent time in a Carl's Jr.
It's a Hardee's, basically.
I mean, it, it's a Hardee's in disguise.
They're the same thing.
Uh, Carl's Jr.
Is just a Hardee's in disguise.
So if you see a Carl's Jr.
Know that it's really a Hardee's inside.
They just have really, uh, packed it up differently.
But at a Carl's Jr., a lot of lonely men eat at Carl's Jr., you know.
Um, because they push these big burgers, these man burgers, these man meals,
you know, meals
for a man.
And a lot of, you see a lot of lonely men eating in there.
Because I used to go get a turkey sandwich over there a lot of times in the
evening.
Um, and I've spent a lot of time being lonely.
And so, it's no, it's no surprise that I ended up with my kind, you know, with,
uh, with my,
you know, with those types of people.
Um, and the men are in there eating slow and they're sitting by themselves.
Um, and, and, and single men eat slow.
Lonely men eat slow.
Watch a lonely man eat.
Take his time.
No hurry.
Married men, they eat.
You know, they eat fast because they got to get back to business because they
got a lot
to do and people holding them accountable, uh, before they die.
So, they got to eat fast.
But a single man eats slow.
They eat slow.
And at the Carl's Jr., I'd always find myself sitting in there and I'd look
around and it's
all just lonely dudes in there eating.
So, go in there.
Go to a Carl's Jr.
You'll see.
And, um, and it kind of made me nervous because you find yourself looking
around and then you're
locking eyes with another fella and you're trying to eat and you got your mouth
open and
it made me feel just, it kind of brought some feelings up inside of my body.
You know, it made me feel a little bit, not gay, but it made me feel like
something gay
could occur or something gay was lurking, you know, a homoerotic activity.
Because think about it.
If you, if you're eating something, okay, and go, go with me on this because
some of
you guys are probably like, you know, what is he talking about?
If you're eating something, right?
If you look at, if you lock eyes with another man, it's nothing, right?
But now, open your mouth and then lock eyes with another man.
It's different.
If you have your mouth closed and you're looking at another man, that's one
type of feeling.
You have your mouth open and you're locking eyes with another man, there's a
different type
of feeling there.
I'm not saying it's wrong.
I'm just saying that it riles up kind of some more homoerotic thoughts.
And that's what I would notice at Carl's Jr.
Because I was in there with these big sandwiches, you know, having to get your
mouth open big.
And then you're looking around because that's nature, you know, being natural
and you'll lock
eyes with another lonely man and you'd have a flare up of something, just a
spark of some
light eroticism I felt like at times.
And not that I was going to act on anything like that, but it just became an
element in
the air that there was some, you know, that something could occur, that
something could
occur.
And this is one of the reasons why I think Quiznos went out of business.
Quiznos, good sandwiches, remember, black olives, maybe some cooked ham, you
know, they got
the lettuce on there and sometimes they cook it and then they changed to not
cook it and
then they went back to cooking it.
But one of the reasons I think Quiznos went out of business was because that
toasted bread,
okay, you get that toasted bread, you can't eat that easily.
You got to open your mouth, you know, you got to go, why on that toasted bread?
And as a man, when you open that mouth and you're in there and you're looking
around and seeing
other men, I think it subconsciously made a lot of men nervous or it made them
uncomfortable.
If they were, you know, if they were, you know, extremely straight, hardcore
heterosexuals,
then it probably made them nervous.
You know, here I am with my mouth open constantly because you have to open your
mouth to eat that
cooked bread that, that, you know, that bread gets really hearty, crusty, you
know, that
bread gets tight, tight on the outside, tight, tight.
And you got to open your mouth.
And I find that for me, it would get, there were times when it was just
uncomfortable.
Not that there's anything wrong with, you know, somebody feeling gay or being
gay or acting
gay, you know.
But there were times when I just noticed it was unexpected because sometimes I
just wanted
a sandwich.
I didn't want to have to deal or feel anything that was homoerotic when I was
just trying to
have a meal.
And that's something that I found, uh, but was an issue with Quiznos because it
was more
than a meal.
It was stirring up feelings that sometimes you're okay with thinking about the
feelings,
but sometimes you don't want to do that at lunchtime.
Same thing with eating yogurt, yogurt, dude, can somebody get a grasp on this
yogurt?
Every time I open a yogurt might just be me.
Maybe I'm at a bad altitude, but it kind of skeets out a little, it busts out,
you know,
like it's busting a, just a light nut or a, just a belch, like a, a little bit
of a kind
of shoots out onto the table or onto the floor or onto my arm or shirt.
And it's just, it makes me feel sometimes uncomfortable, you know, there's
nothing wrong
with that feeling, but it just makes me feel like there's more to it, you know.
And it just makes you wonder if these yogurts have that much feeling in them,
then they need
to relieve these yogurts at the dairy.
They need to open them there once and then send them 