Name: Theo Von's Investment Advice That Will Change Your Life
Uploaded: 2017-06-03T04:26:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's Investment Advice That Will Change Your Life' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von's Investment Advice That Will Change Your Life' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-03. Transcript available.

Welcome to Loaded. I'm Bill Lachey. It's time for some straight talk. Our job
here on Loaded
is to make you money. Period! Exclamation period. But hey, if you're an inside
the box thinker,
don't even bother calling in today. Why? Why, Bill? Can't we call in if we're
inside? Because
I'm cage free. And I'm financially free. You can't make money in the box. I'm a
mime.
I'm in the box. There's no money in here. No. Nada. There never will be. This
eagle right here,
people, has long since flown the coop of poverty. And now I'm just circling
over opportunities.
Figuring out which one I want next to take advantage of. Dilapidated condos.
Ooh,
brothels. Ooh, foreclosures. Merger possibilities.
They run like mice until Dollar Bill of Shea swoops down
and turns them into cash. I'll tell you right now, conventional wisdom is for
straight up losers.
In fact, if you're anywhere near a convention, you've already lost. Nice name
tag, dorky dork science.
Conventional wisdom would tell you to budget. It would tell you to cut back on
luxury items.
But I can tell you there's no smarter time to live lavishly than all the time.
Ooh, just bought a bunch of
shit I don't even want on my phone. Feels good. What's in my teeth? Caviar. Mmm.
I'll enjoy that because you're about to enjoy
enjoy these beautiful facts on how you can live lavishly when everything else
is telling you no.
Numero uno. If you can't afford heat, build a home theater. Charge premium for
I Want to Marry Harry viewing
parties. So many people are going to show up. You'll have free body heat and
surround sound. Ooh, what do I hear? Warmth.
Number two. Go ocelot hunting. Suddenly, your future's based on a lucrative fur
trading operation.
Feel your own skin right now. I want you to feel your own skin. It feels cheap,
doesn't it? It feels cheap.
That's your parents' fault. Only way to combat that, wear fur. You ever felt ocelot?
Have you ever felt ocelot?
It's softer than synthetic heroin. It's mother nature's vagina. That's how nice
it is. Get in on it now.
Number three. Invest in a little league baseball team. The road to success is
often built on the backs of
children. I won't call it slavery, but you can. Get the Asian players. They can
turn a ground rule double
into a new railroad to the west. They're in real chains. You're in gold chains.
It's the seventh
inning struts. And they can barely lay track in the hard dirt. But this is your
amistad. Give us financial
freedom. You're free. The tracks get finished. The buffalo die. But everyone
gets a trophy these days.
Ichiro, Nagasaki, cash, cash, cash.