Name: Pittsburgh, Americans, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend #25
Uploaded: 2017-06-05T23:06:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pittsburgh, Americans, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend #25' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pittsburgh, Americans, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend #25' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-05. Transcript available.

Pittsburgh, Americans, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend #25

Happy Monday, you little nickel-plated nutsacks. It's about that time again.
You've been eating cat cocks all weekend, huh?
You've been cracking open a crusty can of cat cocks?
Well, meow, it's your boy about to sherpa you up this mad mountain of Monday-ness.
You guys ready? Do you think I have Michael Landon on my shirt?
Well, welcome to This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
You hear that?
That's the Cambridge twang.
That's what that song...
That sound is called. Listen to it.
It kind of sounds like the kind of sound that, like, when everything's going...
Like, in the movie, like, when the couple is...
You know, they're out and finally everything's going great.
It's like the third date and it's just a montage.
And they're dancing and, like, spinning each other around in the rain.
And, like, listen, listen.
Yeah, you see?
Yeah, we got the third date in the books and now we're just...
We're bowling and kissing and, you know, trying on our bowling shoes and
laughing and, like, punching each other softly.
Soft punches and doing stuff like that, you know?
Or if you take maybe two squirrels, I don't know if you've ever spent any time
around squirrels.
They're basically...
They're basically a very short ferret but with a tail on it, kind of.
And they are...
They're exciting animals.
They're animals that are...
I don't want to say they're beautiful animals, but I think they're...
I'll sit and talk with you about them all day.
They are a very enticing, enticing species, the squirrel.
But, yeah, this seemed like if a couple of them were just kind of in the trees
going nuts.
Listen.
Just kind of running around and, like, grabbing, like, acorns and peeking out
from behind the other tree and, like, scurrying up the branches.
There you go.
That's a little bit of Cambridge Twang.
That's the song right there.
And we are here with you.
And this is Monday, June 5th.
And welcome to this past weekend.
I appreciate you guys joining us today.
But you already knew that.
I have a feeling that you already knew that.
Because I let you know all the time.
I'm coming to you live for me for now.
On this Mondays of June.
And that means summertime is coming right around the corner.
The solstice is coming up.
I believe that's June 21st or 22nd.
And that should be the...
Is that the longest day of the year?
Yeah.
So if you got, you know, if you got a friend that talks a lot, I wouldn't hang
out with him on that day.
Because you're liable to be out there, out and about, having to listen to him a
little bit longer than usual.
So I'd, you know, spend that day with people who don't talk too much and who
are, you know, just who you like to have fun with.
You don't have to really listen very much as much or more than you should.
I'm in Pittsburgh coming to you live from a courtyard Marriott.
Very basic.
You could call it a hotel.
It's kind of a motel to me.
There's a kind of a very girthy sort of Indian or Middle Eastern man downstairs
who I'm going to go out on a limb and say this fellow wants to do sex with me.
He keeps baiting me downstairs, saying that the printer is fixed, the printer
is fixed, and it's broken.
And then he's like, oh, whatever.
He's British as well.
And he's like, oh, whatever am I to do?
I'm just jeepers, creepers.
And the night shift, the people that work the night shift at hotels, man, I
mean, they're either cool as fuck or they are fucked up.
Because I have seen both types, man.
I have seen both types, dude.
A lot of one guy took me back in this baggage room where they kept a bunch of
baggage one time, and he had a German shepherd back there giving babies.
Birth.
Welping, they call it when they're giving birth like that.
This German shepherd back there giving birth to baby animals.
Little baby German shepherds.
You know that.
So I just don't know what the fuck is going on, honestly, at some of these
places.
And I'm sorry to get fired up out of the gate and use this language, but, you
know, I've been out here in Pittsburgh for four nights.
Good city.
But I'm on the outskirts.
You know, I'm out here at one of these malls.
And this is the kind of times when, in a comedian's life, dude, it's not great.
It's not great.
I want to go home.
I'm tired.
But with that said, I had some joy this weekend.
You can look on the YouTubes.
If you're on the YouTubes, I got a gentleman that makes some of my shirts, this
gentleman, Kevin Best.
And he showed up and made me some beautiful shirts, man.
So that's really, really cool.
And this one is of Michael Landon, who, you know, I've always thought of as
like a television profit actor, you know, who really kind of led or tried to
help lead everybody in a positive direction before he died of cancer and cancer
got him.
Dude, I'm starting to wonder, like, what diseases are we going to have from
this technology we have right now, you know?
Like, we don't know anybody who has hit 65 years old and who's been on a phone,
on a cell phone for 40 years.
We don't know the effects.
We don't know the effects of a lot of the medicines that we're on right now.
I mean, I'm just, what if at, you know, 70 years old, somebody who's been using
a cell phone for 30 years, what if their fucking eyeballs fall out of their
head, huh?
What if that's one of the afflictions, you know?
You got a bunch of people running around with no eyes or walking slowly and
still, and being angry at Verizon, but still addicted to their phones.
How crazy is that going to look when you have a guy with no eyes, no eyes in
his head, and you're like, what happened to you?
And he says, sorry, I can't talk right now.
I'm on the phone, even though it's the phone that did it to him.
That's where we're headed, guys.
We got some great callers that called in about, one, I'm going to leave us with
today.
A caller called a few weeks ago about the future, and I'm going to leave us
with that one at the end of the lineup today so you can see what you think.
He had a really great, a good point, a good topic that I want to lead us into,
and we can talk about that.
But first, I want to tell you about here in Pittsburgh, man.
I'm here.
It's been a good time.
Pittsburgh Improv.
I had some nice people come out.
The Neon Nightingale.
He came out.
He came out.
You guys remember him from some of the previous episodes, and that was pretty
sweet, having him out and about.
Got to meet him and his lovely lady, and they got a child that they left
somewhere at home under the care of someone else.
So that's the proper way to do it.
But I've been in Pittsburgh all weekend.
It rained today.
That's about the most exciting thing that kind of happened to me.
Spent time with my buddy's family.
What else?
I had a lot of lovely fans that came out, man.
Lovely fans and friends.
I'm going to tell you where I'm going up soon, and then we'll get into the news,
and then we're going to hit into some calls and emails from people, from
listeners,
that we're going to offer some basic life suggestions, people that hit the hotline.
I'm going to give you that hotline number right now, 985-664-9503.
And the cities I'm hitting soon, Nashville, Las Vegas, Orlando, Calusa Casino,
in north of Sacramento, New York City, Stark County, Illinois.
So those places are going to be coming up, as well as Addison, Texas.
That's in Dallas, or outside of Dallas.
That's the second week of August.
But all those other cities are before the end of July.
You can find them at TheoVaughn.com slash tour.
T-O-U-R.
As well, I've got the new album that's out now, Musket Fire, The Early Years of
Satire,
and 30-pound bag of Hamster Bones.
Both those are available right now.
Check the tracks and make sure that you don't already own the album, though.
I'm happy to be here with you guys, man.
I'm happy to be here with you guys.
Bill Cosby case is starting today.
You may know that.
You may not.
To me, I think that Bill Cosby is guilty.
Do I think he's guilty of copulating with however many of those women are?
I don't.
I don't think he's guilty of all of them.
Just based on my experience in L.A., I easily see how when one woman sees that
something's
going on, others will jump on.
And it's not just a woman.
People.
You know, oh, they're doling out money over here?
Let me jump in.
There's a lot of hot ass out there in Los Angeles.
A lot of gold-digging, trifling women out there just trying to make a buck.
You know, I'm not even talking feminists.
These aren't feminists.
These are Rottweilers.
Okay?
These are them, you know, them cooter Rottweilers.
And they're just barking around with that crotch and trying to get that money,
stack that paper.
You know?
But I think that, I don't think that Bill Cosby will be convicted.
I think he might be convicted of some civil charges, but I think he'll be the O.J.
Simpson of vagina.
And that's my theory.
There you go.
There you have it.
I believe that.
I think he'll get off.
And I think he'll be the O.J. Simpson of poise.
Onward.
More news.
Kathy Griffin.
Everybody knows this.
The bloody head she held up.
I'm going to say this.
I, and some people think like by even talking about it, you're giving, you know,
you're creating publicity for her.
I'm not creating publicity for Kathy Griffin.
She's the only person, comedian that I've ever gone to their show a full hour
and I didn't laugh.
That's a true story.
This is about seven years ago.
I went or eight, could have been eight years ago.
I didn't laugh at all.
She's not for me.
Her type of comedy.
I get it.
But I thought that this was just hack.
You know, I thought it was just, you know, you're holding up a bloody head of
the president.
Get a life.
You know, you've made your money in this country and show some gratitude.
You don't have to show it to Donald Trump, but show it to the fact that that's
the president for right now.
You know, that's who the president is, you know, and I don't care who it is.
I think that as an American, you have some responsibility to at least just go
along with it.
And I just think she could have come up with something much better or funnier.
To me, she's not funny.
And to me, I just thought that that was un-American.
That's kind of the feeling that it left me with.
You know, and I'm kind of just sick of all the Trump.
I'm just, I think the Trump jokes are just hack.
It's like, we get it.
Like, you don't like him.
Okay, great.
You know, I mean, I voted for Obama twice.
I wasn't a huge Obama fan, you know, but I was inspired by what he was talking
about.
I think Obama did some good.
I think he was a great example.
I also think Obama was kind of a pussy when it came to a lot of stuff, to be
honest.
Sorry to use that language.
I felt like he didn't really have any balls, you know.
I don't think he did a lot to inspire black America.
For me, that's just my perspective.
You're like, well, Theo, you're not black.
You're right.
I'm not.
But I can still have a point of view.
A lot of my black friends have felt the same way.
I think he's a great speaker.
I think he's a great orator.
I think he sounded amazing, no doubt.
He looked good in pictures.
Beautiful family.
Beautiful daughters.
Probably a great hoopster.
But to me, he was all talk.
He was more of a celebrity than he was a man.
I would look at him as more of a celebrity than I would as a man.
So, I don't know, the Kathy Griffin thing, I just didn't laugh, you know.
It wasn't funny to me.
I think she's more of a loud mouth.
And maybe she was a comedian at a time, but I've never seen her in a comedy
club.
Never seen her in any comedy club anywhere, except for the one time I went and
saw her at a theater.
And part of that's I'm just sick of the un-American attitude.
Like, people saying that, oh, this country doesn't represent me and stuff like
that.
Like, maybe I'm old-fashioned or something, you know.
But, like, I feel, hold on, the air conditioners came on.
I've got to shut it off.
All right, I'm back.
But I feel like if you live in the country, you cash your checks here,
then have some gratitude, you know.
Have some freaking g