Name: Hitchhikers, Amputees, Callers, Promises, & Patreon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #27
Uploaded: 2017-06-13T00:04:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hitchhikers, Amputees, Callers, Promises, & Patreon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #27' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hitchhikers, Amputees, Callers, Promises, & Patreon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #27' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-13. Transcript available.

Hitchhikers, Amputees, Callers, Promises, & Patreon | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #27

What's cracking, you little gold-digging gravity addicts?
We're about to get into this episode.
Oh, daddy's showing a little upper echelon right there.
I want you guys to take a strong hit off your own undercarriage
and fill your lungs with some nut courage.
Because this week we're talking about hitchhiking,
finding part of a hand in the woods.
We got a caller who introduces us to the world of leglessness
and all you've ever wanted to know about that.
And could a Red Bull truck driver be the next Vincent Van Gogh?
We're about to, Vincent, find out.
Welcome to This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
All right, welcome to This Past Weekend.
I am Theo Vaughn, and thank you guys very, very much for joining me.
I know this is your time, and you are choosing to spend it here with me
on Monday, June 12.
And we are here getting lively into the summertime
where the heat starts to come looking for you.
And there are times in the year when you've got to go looking for the heat.
You know, you might fly off to the beach,
or you might take the laundry outside to get the water out of it.
But these are times right now when the heat comes looking for you.
And I'm hot.
I'm hot for you right now, whoever you are.
I'm fired up, man.
I'm happy to be here with you guys today.
I'm feeling fortunate to be alive,
and I'm glad that we're about to share a little bit of time together.
I spent my weekend in Calusa.
Friday night I was in Calusa, Calusa Casino.
And that's north of Sacramento, I believe about an hour.
And it's good people out there.
You know, it's just a lot of farm people.
It's rural.
A lot of animals, animal feces and poop and fertilizer, crops,
pecan groves, walnuts, orchards, stuff like that.
A lot of fertilizer, spray rigs, things like that.
You know, a lot of people with burns on their skin from miscellaneous
fertilizer errors
and things like that nature, human nature happening out there.
And I had a good time, and I was happy to be there.
And just good people, man.
You know, lesbians, regular lesbians.
You know, not the furious ones that hate men.
Just regular, regular lesbians.
Families, family values, and some good diversity out there as well.
A lot of Latinos, Mexicans, Indian.
There's a strong Indian population as well out there.
And everything was going just handily, I felt like.
And I was happy to be there.
We had a show at Calusa Casino.
And everybody had a good time.
I want to thank you guys for coming out.
So we'll start right there.
And I want to thank you for coming out
and taking a look at this bad little mother spitter right here.
You know, coming out there and smelling my loud breath.
That was coming off that microphone.
We had a crowd of about 400 or 500 out there.
And it was sheer joy.
I got to my accommodations out there.
A man picked me up at the airport at that Sacramento Air Central.
And I took a ride out to the casino.
And this fella talked.
He was chatty.
You know, they got chatty Cathy's out there.
This was a chatty Carl.
This man knew words.
This man knew words.
He's not a fella you want to.
He's not really a guy.
If you got trapped on an island with him, you'd probably kill him early.
And it's not even a knock against him.
Some people just have that infection of chattership, of talkativeness,
where they just want to ramble off and just show you they know all the letters
and show you they know how to match all the letters up and make word magic.
And this gentleman was no different than that.
Very chatty man.
Nice guy.
A murder had actually taken place up there recently.
I'm a big murder guy.
You know, I've always been fond of murder and treasure.
You know, murder and buried treasure.
I watch murder television.
I mean, honestly, I can't even sleep sometimes at night without knowing that
there's a new murder that I don't know about.
That's where I'm at with it.
Maybe I would call it an addiction a little bit, but I get keyed up,
you know, with the crimes and the mystery and the buried treasure.
I've always thought of myself as a treasure hunter who doesn't have time to do
his craft.
But maybe in the future I get me a strong wife and I get out there and I find
something.
You know, I don't know if I find anything that's nothing underwater.
I'm not doing all that crazy shit looking out under the water.
You know, I'm no, I'm not extraterrestrial.
I'm not aquitaneous.
But I am a man who will get out there in the hard dirt and look for, you know,
Indian burial grounds or some type of local treasure, buried cash.
But I'm here with you guys right now.
We had a good time out in Calusa, man.
I got settled out there.
And this was interesting.
I remember I walked out of the lodging at the casino.
It was a beautiful little casino out there.
And the man who dropped me off, we'd been talking,
they had a murder that happened up there recently.
A young lady went missing.
They found her body.
And so the second I got into the car, I was asking him about that.
And he knew one of the guys who'd been accused of it.
So I was a little bit roped in.
But I think I asked three questions and this gentleman had three million words.
So his answer to question ratio is off the charts.
It was a bit much.
But I got settled in and then I went out looking.
They had a parade in the town, in the town of Calusa, a small parade.
And I wanted to go see it.
You know, I like stuff like that, Americana parades, children riding sheep or
lambs.
Sometimes they have these events at the rodeo where they'll put a couple of
children.
They'll tie him on to a sheep, you know, a small child.
Or they'll tie him on to an athletic lamb and let the action take place.
And the crowd goes wild.
And, you know, people are drinking their orange drinks or they're, you know,
sipping whiskey or secret drinks that they're keeping in their coats.
And you get to see these children riding these lambs.
And it's beautiful, man.
And it's nice to see the juxtaposition between a malleable child that can
bounce around
and a scared athletic sheep or lamb.
It's fun to watch if you have never gotten to see that.
But I walked outside to the valet area.
And they had four employees working out there.
And I was like, oh, I want to catch an Uber in the town.
And the guy's like, I don't know if we have any Ubers that come here.
If you want one, you have to get one from Sacramento.
Sacramento is an hour away.
That's where I just came in from.
And I'm thinking, well, what the fuck?
You know, I can't get an Uber to come get me here to take me four miles into
the town to see the parade.
So then he's like, well, you should walk.
And I'm like, walk, dude.
I'm not, there's no sidewalks, you know.
Like, I'll get, I'll be a freelance trotter.
You know, I'll get out there.
But, you know, I was getting around sunset.
I just didn't know if it was ideal.
And also, what kind of advice is this guy giving?
This guy's the valet.
He's telling me to walk out there, you know.
There's no sidewalk.
He's like, we got a guy that walks to work.
And I'm like, yeah, you probably had 20 guys that walked to work.
But 19 of them have been hit by cars or murdered.
I mean, if you're walking next to a busy highway and I'm a murderer and I see
you, I mean, think about that.
I know a lot of you guys listening are not murderers, you know.
And I know that.
And I'm happy.
I'm happy about that.
And that brings me joy.
But think about the fact that you're driving and you are a murderer, okay?
You've murdered, you know, and whatever and whatnot.
And you got journals about it and shit like that.
You're in the game.
And you see a dang hitchhiker or somebody walking by themselves.
I mean, it's not going to take long for whatever it is inside of you that finds
joy in killing others to flare up.
So here you got these valets telling me if I want to get into town to walk.
It's only four miles.
So that seemed a little bit dangerous to me.
That didn't seem like, you know, concierge type chatter.
You know, you think they'd have other ways.
And I was like, well, you probably had 20 people that walked to work.
But a decent amount of them have been hit by cars or probably killed by someone.
So one of the other young fellas out there pipes up.
He goes, why don't you ask somebody for a ride?
And I know he's talking about hitchhiking.
And hitchhiking, I don't know if anybody's ever hitchhiked.
I've done it.
And I've picked up a few.
And I'll tell you about that shortly.
But this gentleman's saying hitchhike.
And hitchhiking is basically like you getting into someone's car.
And it's kind of like, it's almost like, okay, who's going to murder who?
That's sort of the first moment when you get in.
It's like, is this dude going to kill me?
Or am I going to flare up and kill this dude?
You know?
Hitchhiking, extremely dangerous.
People, I think it's one of the reasons they outlawed it.
Because people were getting killed all the time doing it.
You know, my experiences with hitchhiking or thumbing, you know, are, well, one
time I picked up a black family, a father and a mother and a child.
Middle of the night, they were at an abandoned vehicle.
Took them into town to get gasoline, brought them back.
They didn't say thank you.
They did not say thank you.
I thought that was kind of shit, dude.
You know, no thanks.
I mean, no thanks at all.
And I'd like to say to them right now, you're welcome, brother.
You are welcome, you little, you couple of titty imps.
Because I brought you home.
You know, I've got you set up.
And not even say thank you.
Another time I picked up a senior, you know, senior citizen.
And I have a penchant for seniors.
I have a soft spot in my heart and in my brain.
I just, if you were, if you could walk into my brain, you'd see a lot of
seniors sitting around and doing chess and checkers and laughing.
And, you know, eating pudding or eating soft snacks and sharing stories with
each other about the good days.
Because I have a penchant for seniors, you know, my father was born in 1910.
So I've always had that, you know, that extracurricular love for something in
its old age, you know, something that's getting old.
And I picked up a senior hitchhiker, man.
And he told me, this is a story he told me, this hitchhiker.
He told me once he was out there thumbing and somebody picked him up.
And they start cruising and he noticed that a policeman follows him and then
another one.
And the sirens are going.
And then he realizes that the guy who picked him up is in a high speed chase
from the police.
And he asked the guy, he's like, well, why'd you pick me up?
And the guy tells him because he didn't want to die alone.
That's what he told him.
Can you imagine that?
You're just hiking, man.
You're just trying to get somewhere.
Somebody picks you up because they don't want to die alone.
That's how wild it's going to get.
And then fast forward, I guess, about 50 miles.
The guy said they ended up lodged.
The car was lodged in a cornfield somewhere and the cops got him.
And once he told them what had happened, they ended up letting him go.
But that's a wild hitchhiker story.
And that man actually had a cold beer, I remember, in his pocket.
And I thought that that was interesting, for me anyway.
So, yeah, they wanted me to hitchhike up there.
They wanted me to walk basically at Calusa Casino.
I'm like, you guys would have more gamblers if you guys weren't sending them
off to get murdered around here.
And this is murder.
It's murder country up there.
It's an environment where you can see people go missing.
There's a lot of good places to hide people.
But thank you guys for joining me today, man.
And we got some cool calls.
We had some people call based on the follow-up about female breadwinners.
We got some amputees that called in.
And I'm excited to get into that, to delve into that and learn a little bit
about it.
First, I'm going to tell you a little bit more.
While we're on the topic of murder, I've been watching these murder shows, you
know.
I've always been big into them.
I don't know.
When I was a child,