Name: 6-19-17: Father's Day, Step Daddy Etiquette, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #28
Uploaded: 2017-06-20T01:53:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '6-19-17: Father's Day, Step Daddy Etiquette, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #28' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '6-19-17: Father's Day, Step Daddy Etiquette, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #28' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-06-20. Transcript available.

6-19-17: Father's Day, Step Daddy Etiquette, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #28

What's up you chinchillarellas? We're talking fatherhood this week. Females
with that lute.
Stepdaddy etiquette. We got thick urine and depression on the call sheet.
A little bit of follow-up on them female breadwinners.
And did you know that I once slept in a McDonald's ball pit?
Yep, when I first moved to Los Angeles. Overnight, three nights in a row.
With an Asian gentleman. Yep, that I didn't even know. Possibly Korean.
Jury's still out. Get up to get down.
Bienvenidos este fin de semana pasado.
This past weekend.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Say it.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
Celebrate dark days.
That is the Spencer Growl Band.
And I'll put a link to that on my YouTube where you can catch that in full.
Happy Monday to you guys.
I'm happy to be here with you guys.
It is Monday, June 19th.
And it's actually a birth date of my grandmother and my sister.
Both of them are, my sister's alive and my grandmother is dead.
She's gone.
She loved raccoons and she collected a lot of ceramic squirrels and ceramic
frogs.
And she was an older lady and something happened to her and then she died.
But I'm happy to be here with you guys today.
I'm alive.
You're alive.
Sorry to start out on that dark note.
You know, but sometimes life can be a little bit of a dark note.
We're going to keep it happy today.
I appreciate you guys' time.
This is this past weekend and we are here.
I had a wild dream last night and I got some good rest this weekend because I
needed some rest.
You know, sometimes I find myself caught up in sleep, you know, and I'm just
like a little resting bear.
And I wish sometimes that I kept a chart of when I was resting, you know,
throughout my history and when I was awake.
Because I would have a better idea if I'm on some sort of a resting cycle, you
know, if I hibernate a little bit more in certain times.
And I hit a bit of a rest streak this weekend and caught me a rest and I
enjoyed it.
I actually had a wild dream that I was a, that I was mulling, that I was a
money mule.
And a money mule, you know, mules are people that hide stuff in their butts or
anus, anus, that hide things inside of their, between their butt cheeks.
If they're really strong, mules can, these are humans that hide stuff.
They can just grip it between their butts and hold something.
But if not, then they have to put it inside of their butts, you know, past like
the entry area.
And that's very bizarre.
And those are a lot of basic mules, you know, and I'm kind of a weaker mule.
Well, at least I was in this dream and I was hiding money.
I was hiding money inside of my butt, rolls of coins.
And I had to basically pay rent.
I was paying rent for a family of illegal aliens.
This is a dream sequence.
And I had to get into, kind of sneak into this area and sort of, I mean, this
is going to sound wiry, I guess, but I had to defecate into these big dung
banks.
And then they had a man in there with a rake and he was raking the money out, raking
the rolls of coins out and helping this family pay their rent.
So there was a lot going on, really, I guess, in my subconscious.
Well, I just had to share that with you guys.
Happy Father's Day.
Happy belated Father's Day.
I know we have a lot of male listeners and a lot of good men out there who are
taking care of children.
You know, and some of these children are yours and some of these children are
not.
They're some other man's child.
And I want to give a round of applause to those men right now and commend you
if you're a father.
And that can come across a lot of ways to a child, you know.
It can come across where you are just their provider.
And you might think that, oh, I'm just a provider for this child if it's a stepchild,
you know.
But that goes a long way.
And it may take a while for that child to resonate with that child.
I mean, I remember a man took me in when I was 14 and he let me live with him
and his family.
And there was nothing sensual.
It was all on the up and up and positive.
And I was still a bad, you know, wild child.
But he provided a structure for me.
And years later, we are great friends.
And I consider him a great example in my life, even though at the time I didn't
always recognize it.
So I just want to commend the stepdads out there who are doing that type of
behavior and who are, you know, providing a comfortable atmosphere where a
young person can just feel comfortable enough to learn about themselves.
Because that's huge.
Because prior to that, I didn't have that in my own personal existence.
And I know there's a lot of men out there doing that.
Because it's easy to be a father.
I mean, let's, it's easy to create a baby.
I mean, if you just think of it, it's just a bust of a nut.
I mean, a small, it's just that moment between I'm going to hold on to this nut
and that moment where I'm going to go on and bust this nut.
And that, that's the easy part, you know.
Because any, I mean, you could have a man with no legs out there and a bad
attitude could still be busting nuts everywhere.
And making children, you know.
That's a lot of children that potentially could be out there.
And that, that immediately gets you to dad status.
If you put that into an ovary or throw that onto an egg of a lady, you're
immediately at fatherhood.
And that's wild, you know.
To think that there's not more of a, a, a law against nut use is pretty baffling
to me.
You know, I almost felt like, and I talked about this in my Netflix special at
the end, where they should almost take a child's nuts off of them.
You know, they circumcise children.
I think they take the wrong part.
They're taking all this extra skin.
They're taking all this extra, you know, this extra epidermis around the, the
cock top.
And they're, you know, that turtleneck.
Because your penis will start turtlenecking around the top if you are natural.
And they cut that off.
But I think they should take the nuts.
Give them back to you once you have a degree.
Once you have graduated school.
You know, once you have done something to deserve the ability to create another.
Because we're just letting any willy nilly or any nilly willy really run around
with active skeet.
And that, to me, I don't, I don't think that that's behooving us anymore.
I think that your nuts and your ability to, you know, spray out a family should
be something you earn.
An achievement.
You know, and that's a way that I would like to see us evolve biologically.
I got me some coffee here, guys.
But could you imagine if all of our seed grew up?
I mean, I personally, you know, myself, have probably, I'm trying to think.
If I've been masturbating for, I'm 37, I've been masturbating for probably 25
years safely.
And I would say 300, that's 300 sprays a year probably safely.
That's, I mean, that is, that's 7,500 sprays.
And if all of that grew up, and that's just me alone, that's 7,500 children,
you know, that could potentially be out there.
So, I'm amazed that we don't get a handle on more of this human seed, and that
it's not more of a, that it's, that it's not more of a prized possession, you
know, because we're spraying it out like it's nothing.
I mean, it's like, I mean, we're giving it away.
A lot of men are.
So, I think it's commendable when a man actually has a child, gets it to, you
know, full creation, and then cares about it and builds it up.
And if you're a man out there who has a child that they're not, you know, they're
not in touch with right now because that kid is in their teens or late teens or
something, sometimes I think it's probably just about patience.
You know, if I could dig back into my child's side and think, think about a
father figure or parents, sometimes you just need to, it's just patience.
So, I commend you men that are out there fathering children, raising children,
stepfathering.
I mean, stepfathering is a very underestimated occupation, very undervalued in
America, you know.
I mean, anybody really can, can create a child, you know, some offspring.
But to get out there and take care of someone else's child just because you
solely know that that kid needs it, that's beautiful.
And I commend you men that do that.
It's a beautiful thing, man.
And stepfather, you know, usually they have a mustache.
You know, they want to grow that hair out above their lip.
And I respect that, too.
That's a beautiful thing.
People ask me a lot, why are you growing your hair out?
Because I got this beautiful, I mean, and I say I'm not even growing it.
God is growing this.
The Lord is growing this beauty off the back of my skull.
I'm just the sharecropper.
You know, I'm out here farming.
I'm out here tending to the crop.
And that's what I do.
And people say, well, it looks nice.
And I say, well, I'm a good farmer.
That's what I tell them because I believe that.
But happy Father's Day.
I hope everyone had a good Father's Day if they did have one.
And that you were able to reach out to your father or to your, or your children
reached out to you.
And express their care concern, you know.
And if you got a kid, too, that's really young, I also want to say, I know it's
tricky to spank them now or to beat them, you know.
But, you know, throw it on them every now and then.
Something light.
A reminder.
Even if you just have to play an old video of the past, you know.
Play some Beatles or something and beat them lightly.
Something that just reminds them who's in control.
Because every man, you know, I think if they can live, if they can live and get
to comfortable feeling, they can create a family.
And it's got to be pretty beautiful to do all that.
You know, so I commend you fathers out there.
And I hope you live long and prosperous lives.
We shall see.
We shall see.
What else did I want to tell you guys about that?
I had one other thought about fatherhood.
You know, I mean, my father was so old.
I put a picture of him up on my Instagram.
And that's just Theo Vaughn, if you want to check it out.
Of when I was a baby of, you know, an inkling.
A tall sperm, if you will, even.
And my father was in his young 70s at that point.
And we didn't do too much.
I remember playing on his walker in our yard.
And just remember his breath smelled like beer.
And that he had a lot of change in his pockets that would jingle often.
And he whistled a lot.
And it's little things like that that I really treasure and value when I think
I'm my own personal father.
I want to tell you guys, I know I've been thinking about the Patreon or Patreon.
I've been talking about it.
I'd love to know your thoughts on it.
I'm a little, to be honest, I'll be, you know, just 100% transparent.
I'm a little nervous about putting it out there.
And just having it be this thing where, you know, where I feel like there's an
extra pressure to create something every month.
But there's not that many people that are interested in supporting it.
Because it's not something you guys should have to take on either.
But I'd love to just know your thoughts on Patreon or Patreon if you've done it
with other podcasts.
And how you feel about it.
You know, and just be honest with me.
Put your two cents out there.
You can put it in the YouTube comments.
As well, if you're listening on iTunes, go ahead and subscribe.
Drop a comment, a rating, something.
Tell your friends about the podcast so we can keep it going and we can keep the
excitement building.
And I'm grateful to you guys.
I have some dates coming up.
I'm going to tell you right now.
I will be in New York City this weekend, Friday and Saturday night at Gotham
Comedy Club.
Thursday, I've got a surprise show I'm doing with The Chive.
And that's a website that's about, you know, they talk about titties and humor.
Basically titties and humor and beautiful.
God, some of the nipples on that site will just lead me straight to a dirty
place on the internet.
But they have that.
I'll be working with them.
And that's at Stand Up Live this Thursday in Phoenix.
What else?
After that, I'll be in Nashvil