Name: 7-3-2017: Stuffing Charlotte, How Do I American? | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #30
Uploaded: 2017-07-04T11:13:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '7-3-2017: Stuffing Charlotte, How Do I American? | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #30' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '7-3-2017: Stuffing Charlotte, How Do I American? | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #30' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-04. Transcript available.

7-3-2017: Stuffing Charlotte, How Do I American?  | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #30

all right i'm coming to you live from a nissan centra about 20 miles from the
nearest internet
i am wearing i'm safe with saying male capri pants i i've been sharing a room
with a dog
named sophie could be a chihuahua i don't know it's small not a dog really in
my eyes but
you know modern man calls it a dog to me if a if a frisbee will kill it not a
dog and right now
looking outside of this window of this nissan select or something i can see
probably about
1100 fireflies these motherfuckers are up to something you know they're gonna
rebel
they're gonna maybe start an actual fire i wouldn't be surprised if something
or someone
burns tonight i'm in uh wyoming illinois and welcome to this past weekend this
past weekend
let's do it you ready you ready to support the podcast i'm gonna tell you right
now that dollar
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that you got to keep track of all the time maybe you put it in your you're out
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remember the one that came out that had the battery in it what the hell is that
nothing nothing
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whoo i love butter
the blade just gently just just glides across my face give me such a smooth
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want that bald eagle
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support the podcast this is a trial basis go in there and hit it get some razors
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i'm gonna stay in the program i'm gonna keep it going dollar shave club dot com
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it's july 3rd baby
celebrate always
celebrate always
celebrate everything
all your dreams will come to life
celebrate living right there
that is the spencer jacob growl band
we'll put the link to that
in the uh youtube you can check it out
um thank you guys for joining me
uh on this past weekend it is
monday july 3rd
i'm coming to you live or
however people come to each other
over there
over a podcast
uh from a nissan
from a i'm outside of a nissan
uh i'm in rural illinois
it is dark out here dude
i mean you can't
you can't see nothing
i mean the devil could be just smelling the
cinnamon stains on your skin
and you wouldn't know he's right next to you
you know
and i'm coming to you live from a nissan
because this is the rental deal i got
uh you know they bait and switched me on the picture on the rental
it looked like more of a
you know full fuller car
chariot type you know something full bodied
um
you know
but then i get there
and the lady said
well you know
it's optional
and
using all these um
buzzwords
and
kill words
words that killed what i wanted
which was more of a full bodied vehicle
you feel me
but
whatever
that's life
good to be here man
happy
fourth of july week
now
this may be on youtube
it may not
i can't guarantee that guys
um
and because
look i came out here
i had big dreams
you ever had big dreams
huh
for a weekend
you ever go and you pack
oh i'm gonna do this
i'm gonna bring the
the piano
dude i used to bring
the piano
um
learning booklets
oh yeah
oh i'm staying at a hampton inn
in norfolk virginia
sure they'll probably have a piano down in the lobby
i'll practice a little
i'm gonna be there for five days
i'll practice
yeah i'll brush up on the keys
i mean i used to bring so much shit with me
unbelievable the amount of junk i would bring on the road
now
i don't even want to bring my luggage
i'd rather just wear the same shit
if they made a shirt
that fought back every morning to look the same way it did the night before
you know a shirt that kind of took care of itself
while you were sleeping
that could kind of brush itself up
and kind of get that dirt off its shoulders
and if a shirt that had a little more self-care
so you didn't have to wash it at all
that's what i would wear
you know i just don't even want to bring everything with me anymore
but
anyhow i gotta tell you man
i'm out here in stark county illinois
all right
we did the show
i want to thank everybody
i had some fans that drove out
and friends
that drove out
five hours
from evansville indiana
i had a squad that came in from
milwaukee
in milwaukee
i don't know if you guys know that
that's a beer town
and it's also
it's an indian term
a lot of people forget that these
a lot of our cities and towns are named after the very native americans
that we
beat them up
beat them off of
you know
milwaukee
um
las vegas
i think the las vegas were a tribe
uh
who else
uh
the toledo
the toledo
they were a tribe
you know
i mean it's just
it's almost
crazy that
that we kept the same names
for a lot of places
just rub it in their faces
you know
but uh
but i'm out here in rural illinois
we had a great show
we raised almost
seventy five hundred dollars
for a theater here
that's huge
um
in this town
and i gotta tell you
when i say rural
i mean you can't
if you have at&t
you can't
don't
you can't have it here
they don't have that
you gotta stop in town
at some local spot
and get the local service
whatever it is
some
it's basically
it's rumors
it's like
just heightened rumors
you know
that's how people communicate
with each other
you gotta tell somebody
then they go tell somebody else
you wanna get in touch
that's a text message
around here
it's small
man i'm
right now i'm within
a hundred yards
of probably
six or seven uh
horses
and a pony
i saw a pony
on the way in
um
there's
uh
little rabbits everywhere
little fucking
disney animals
you know
i mean
there's probably
a couple
of care bears
right now
fucking in the
distance
that's where
i'm at
i am
rural
out here
i got two
video cameras
set up
in a nissan
in somebody's driveway
out here
this good family
let me sleep
out here
in their room
where they got
a bunch of
hunting guns
and
there are
four dead animals
in the room
i'm sleeping in
they got the heads
of them up on the walls
you know
you forget that
you know
i live out in la
where if you put
the head of anything
on the wall
unless it's a straight
white male
they'll let you
they'll let you
decapitate one of those
but you put the head
of anything else
on a wall
i mean
they'll arrest you
you know
they won't have a gun
to arrest you with
but they'll arrest you
but i'm rural
i'm rural
i flew out here
from los angeles
flew into st louis
i tried to find
a nice diner
on the way up here
you know
i tried to find
a nice diner
you gotta excuse me
if our voice is
a little bit out of it
um
i just
i mean
i'm out here
i'm out in the elements
i'm basically
the bear grills
of uh
of electronics
out here
and i flew out here
flew into st louis
tried to find
a nice diner
because i took
the red eye
um
finally found a place
you know
drove like 40 miles
it was a three hour drive
to this town in illinois
where we did the show
the fundraiser
finally found a spot
i get in
go sit down
the lady's named
charlotte
you know
she said she spent
the whole weekend
with her boyfriend
she's about
probably about 63
still got some nice
hips on her
they've still got a
you know
some
high ass
you know
that's one thing
that uh
you want a woman
is you want them
to have a little bit
of ass left
as they get older
so ladies
if you're
getting up in years
you know
keep some ass
or get some
you know
stack something
in the top of your
pants
i remember
i used to
stuff my underwear
at night
uh
because i
they had
i started having
wet dreams
you know
when i was a
child
because god
if you don't
meet women
god starts
sending you
women in your
dreams
to kind of
you know
pleasure you off
and make you
feel joy
in your
down in your
crotch
and um
you know
your brain
and your
crotch
it's really
they're simultaneous
organs
you know
when it comes
to sexual
desires
they're really
it's a duet
between the two
and
i used to
sound maybe
bizarre
but i used to
stuff my pants
with a t-shirt
to make my
crotch look
bigger
so that i would
get
you know
more attractive
women
or more
well-breasted
women's in my
dream to come
and spend time
with me
and be sexual
so i used to
always put a
t-shirt in my
crotch at night
and i mean
you only got one
of those damp
dreams
or the wet
dreams
they call
them
um
you know
kind of
yeah you'd
have a little
seizure in the
middle of the
night out of
your crotch
and kind of
spray up
you know
and that
would uh
and you wake
up in the
morning and
feel
you know
you'd be
disappointed
that the
dream wasn't
real
but you also
felt like you
kind of got
some in your
sleep a little
bit and it
was nice
you know
especially when
i was you
know 12 or
13 it was a
nice respite
from not getting
any
because i didn't
really get into
sexual contact
i was about
you know
actual sex
i was about
15 16
maybe something
so anyhow
um
what am i
talking about
oh so i used
to stuff the
front of my
pants so
prettier women
would come
and meet me
in my dreams
because you
know when you
were young
it was all
you had this
idea that you
had to have
a you had to
be you know
stout in the
crotch or
really have a
thick jibble
down there
you know
but anyhow
uh
yeah so
ladies i
say if
you're gonna
stuff something
as you get
older i
say you
stuff the
back of
your pants
with some
ass some
type of
ass meat
or something
because that
that i
think some
of these
ladies
their butts
start to
fall a little
and it's
okay
it's i'm
not you
know saying
you can't
have a
fallen ass
but you
throw a
couple of
t-shirts
back there
you know
stack one
on each
ass cheek
and i
think that'll
keep you in
business with
some men
if you're
still looking
to you
know obtain
some gentle
from another
man as
you grow
older but
anyhow i'm
out here
rural illinois
i stopped
at a diner
this lady
charlotte
she said
she spent
the weekend
with her
boyfriend
and you
know i
was like i
didn't care
about all
that i
just wanted
some breakfast
and she
was you
know just
insinuating
that she'd
been sensual
all weekend
and look
you're 62
years old
lady i
think it's
good you
know i
think it's
good to be
achieving at
those age
but you
know she
kept saying
she was
doing
timeless
activities
and i'm
guessing she
meant sex
you know i
don't know
what else
you know i
don't know
what else is
time you know
i don't even
know anyway
whatever but uh
the breakfast
i ordered i found
this good diner
total shit
couple of
biscuits that
any fucking
any shit
lumberjack could
have made
anybody with a
bag of flour
and a throat
full of phlegm
could have whipped
together these
biscuits and then
just a can
of gravy
just bullshit
ass
you know
gravy you
get off the
shelf
some type
of meat
bits in it
and some
cheese
and some
just american
just
you know
it made me
wonder
is that american
dream diner
is it still out
there am i
just crazy
did i pick a
bad spot
you know
it just pissed
me off
really
because i had
to hear
think about
charlotte
you know
out there
getting their
freaking
jibbles wiggled
and then
finally when i
get my food
i'm taking the
red eye
i'm dusty
and nasty
and it's a
bunch of
dang just
it's a damn
garbage plate
you know
which is
just shit
so anyhow
that didn't
start off good
my experience
here in the
in the uh
any of the
environment here
but i got to
this town man
and i got to
this town of
wyoming
took about
thr