Name: Follow Up: What is an American? | This Past Weekend #31
Uploaded: 2017-07-07T16:10:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Follow Up: What is an American? | This Past Weekend #31' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Follow Up: What is an American? | This Past Weekend #31' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-07. Transcript available.

Follow Up: What is an American? | This Past Weekend #31

We'll be right back.
We got a bottle of good stuff.
Don't matter what you have, it'll cure what ails you.
And that right there is Jason Rivera, and that song is titled People on the Bus.
I want to thank you for sending that in, brother.
It is Thursday edition.
This past follow-up, we are talking about America, what it means to be an
American.
That's Jason Rivera sent that in, and that song is from America.
That song is made here in America.
That's an American-made song.
Thank you guys for joining me.
We're going to crack right into it.
We had a lot of great calls talking about America, what it means to be an
American today to you and to me.
You know what, I'm going to start off, you know, I'll just reiterate a little
bit.
You know, I told you guys that I spent my weekend in small-town America, 1,400
people.
To me, that's about as small as you could get and still be what felt like a
town to me.
There wasn't a lot going on.
You know, it was a family-first type of environment.
You know, family was everything.
Just having children was important.
It was almost like having, you know, in busier cities and in wealthier
environments, it was almost like having money.
Family seemed to be a currency there.
Rumors were bigger there.
Rumors were, you know, like, did you hear this or did you hear that, you know?
Because with less people, words, they hang in the air longer.
You know, like the, kind of like the seminal spray of a lean seahorse.
Picture a seahorse jumping out of the water and spraying out its nuts out into
the air.
That's going to be a beautiful mist, something fine that's going to hang in the
air.
And that's how the rumors are in a smaller town.
They tend to hang in the air more because there's less people.
So, you know, words aren't as plentiful.
So when something is said, it hangs around longer.
People get up early.
People were working.
That was a big thing.
Getting up early, showing that you were awake to your neighbors, probably to
your children.
Going to church was important, not only for religious purposes, but also as a
social event in a smaller town or a smaller community.
You know, that's important.
You know, just getting to see other people.
That's where you would do it at church.
Fostering children was big, it seemed like.
I ran into a few different families that had foster children.
And you might say, well, Theo, that's nothing, you know.
Well, I've lived in Los Angeles for a long time.
I've met a few people that have had foster children.
Now, a foster child is, sometimes there are children that have, you know, their
parents are doing wrong.
And they're being, you know, wild and they're being miscreants and they're
being, you know, rabid almost.
Something's wrong with their brain or something's wrong with their, they might
have addiction.
They're not taking care of their children.
And those children will go into foster homes where people whose families are
functioning well will take care of them.
You also have children that are going to be straight up adopted.
And I saw a lot of that in this smaller town environment.
Of course, this is just one small town.
I'm not saying this is every small town, but I'm just telling you some things
that I noticed.
And for being in that small of an environment to see a couple different
families that had foster children, it stood out to me.
Keeping your yard clean was important.
Keeping your yard, you know, just the grass cut.
Keep your grass cut.
You know, keep your dirty laundry off the clothesline.
It can be there for a couple days, but it doesn't need to be hanging out there
for a month.
And I liked that.
I liked having this semblance of responsibility because it was a smaller
environment.
You felt more liable to your peers because there were so few of them, you know,
and more liable
to your neighbors.
There was a little bit of drinking, you know, probably as much as anywhere else.
But in a small town, like if you drink a lot, it's going to, you're going to be
the town drunk pretty quick.
Because there aren't as many people.
So I think like what you do and who you are in a smaller environment resonates
more because it means more to you because there's less people there to see it.
And because, you know, with a smaller environment, less people to see it.
That means that your actions, they really speak volumes because you probably
don't get a million chances to impress people.
So, yeah, that was my America, man.
That was my America this past weekend in a small town.
And then it got me to thinking after last episode of this past weekend, what
was my America, you know, personally?
And we're going to get into some calls here in just a few minutes.
But I just want to tell you what my America was like.
So, some ways from my America growing up.
That's what I want to serve to you first here.
Opportunity.
I never felt like I couldn't.
Not in America.
I didn't feel that.
I didn't feel like I couldn't.
There have been many times where I felt like I didn't do things.
I didn't achieve.
I didn't try hard.
You know, I didn't accomplish.
But I never felt like I couldn't have achieved.
Like it wasn't an opportunity.
Like it wasn't an option.
One of my best friends I remember asked me one time.
He said, Theo, have you ever worked really hard at something and not achieved
it?
And I thought, like, wow, I really hadn't.
You know, I never worked.
And I'm not trying to brag about myself.
But I never worked really hard at something and not achieved it.
I've had goals that I didn't achieve, surely.
But that I really gave it my all.
That I didn't take time off.
That I didn't take naps when I shouldn't have.
Or, you know, spend time petting the neighbor's animals when I should have been
out there running track.
You know, or, you know, hiding things.
I remember I got this one time I was trying to be this, when the school
spelling bee.
And somebody gave us one of those electric worm rods.
And those worm rods, you put them in the ground.
You plug them in and it electrocutes the ground and the worms come up.
I mean, it's like free worms.
I mean, it's like, you know, when, you know, it's like parting the seas almost.
And just worms, worms.
Just coming up out of the ground.
Worms you didn't even know were in the ground.
And you put the stick in and boom, worms fly up.
Anywhere you plug it in at, this electrical worm rod.
And I remember getting addicted to using that for probably about three weeks.
And come spelling bee time, I got fifth place.
You know?
And I could have done better if I'd have tried.
Half the kids in my town could not spell.
Still cannot.
You know?
And that's honest.
That's honest to goodness.
That's true.
And I think a lot of them, if they're listening to this, will hear that and be
like,
what's he talking about?
But then if they really start thinking around, they'll be like, yeah, he's
probably right.
I didn't come from really from the spelling belt.
But anyhow, I got that worm rod and I wasn't focused and I didn't do well on
the spelling
bee.
Actually, a pregnant girl beat me in fifth grade.
She won the school spelling bee.
I will never forget that.
Anyhow, but I'd never worked really hard at something and not been able to
achieve it.
You know?
And that was, I think that's just a testament to the fact that we live in
America.
You know?
Because I never felt like I couldn't.
My mother was educated.
She didn't have the greatest employment, but she worked hard.
She delivered baked goods.
She delivered newspapers.
And that was because of circumstance.
She had to work because she had to provide.
You know?
She was not ignorant in the least.
She graduated from Duke University.
She was an educated lady.
And she never left me with a feeling that I couldn't.
You know?
I think she always left me with a feeling that as long as I got educated, that
I could.
And then I naturally just felt in America that as long as I made an effort,
that I would
always have opportunity.
You know?
That opportunity was always going to be there.
The second thing is that you can share your opinion.
And we're going to get to some calls, guys.
We've got a bunch of calls coming in.
I'll get to them shortly.
I just want to establish a little bit more of my foundation.
Because this whole thing got me to thinking, what did America mean to me?
You know?
And I'm coming to you from Nashville.
I'm in Nashville.
Some of you guys are probably wondering, well, Theo, why wasn't the episode up
on Thursday
morning?
Well, it's still Thursday.
Okay?
It's 8.49 p.m. here.
And I just got it up.
I had to fly here.
You know?
And I went and saw Book of Mormon last night.
I wanted to do something for myself.
So.
But yeah, the second thought for me was that I can share my opinion.
You know?
Though I think that some people should have to be licensed these days to have
an opinion.
Because with stuff like Twitter and all this, any MOOC, you know, gets to have
one.
And that's a Joey Diaz term right there.
But I got to have one.
You know?
Even the ignorant got to have one.
If you were really ignorant, you still got to have an opinion.
You know?
If you were cruel or whatever your intentions, they didn't have to check your
intentions.
Everyone got an opinion.
That's one thing you naturally feel here in America.
Or I did anyway.
Safety.
That's another feeling.
That I think about when I think about America.
You know?
Growing up, I didn't live in the safest neighborhood.
But I felt safe in my country.
You know?
I felt like our neighborhood, our town, our city, our state was safe.
You know?
We weren't at war with Mississippi, you know?
Even though we were in a battle for, I think, first, like, last place for good
drinking water.
But we weren't at, like, you know, at physical odds.
And that's a blessing that America's always had.
We're not at war with our border neighbors.
You know?
Canada's not going to attack us.
I mean, they would ask first if they could attack us.
They are, you know, the most kindred people, usually.
Mexico's not going to attack us because they're all here.
So, I mean, they'd have to leave and then come attack.
They're not going to do that.
So, you know, we've just been so fortunate geographically.
I mean, so many other countries are at war with their neighbors.
You know?
I've had a shitty neighbor, dude.
I've had the shitty, you know, my step-parents still have a shitty batch of
neighbors over there.
And the Ottmans, these guys are a bunch of damn devils.
You know, they've got nine children and all of them, you know, just look like
they've got extra bones in their face and whatever.
And, I don't know, they're not bad people, but they're bad neighbors.
They're bad neighbors.
And, thankfully, they don't have guns, though, because we've all had a shitty
neighbor.
Now, give your shitty neighbor a gun.
Ah, that is spooky, you know?
That's terrifying.
And that's most countries' truth.
You know, and that's not ours.
And then, also, pride.
I always felt a sense of pride for America, you know?
And I think some of that came from just a pride that was in the air.
You know, the news was always like, America's trying.
You know, we're trying our best, you know?
You know, we're in it together.
And this isn't good for America.
This isn't good.
America wasn't divided, really.
I think there were different views and different political parties, sure.
But America itself wasn't divided.
You know, you always felt like somebody had the best interests of America, that
your leaders did.
And I remember a few years ago, I wandered out of a buddy's apartment complex,
and they had a veterans parade going on.
And it just brought a tear to me, man.
It just made me tear up.
You know, because your emotions, when I would see, I just saw the man walking
down the street and the flags.
And you think of all the wars where people didn't come home.
And maybe I romanticize things.
Maybe I'm a romantic.
But it just made me feel something.
It made me feel a part of something.
It made me feel gratitude.
And it wasn't a feeling tha