Name: 7-24-17: Dating, One Love, Greyhound Bus Pipes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #34
Uploaded: 2017-07-25T05:20:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '7-24-17: Dating, One Love, Greyhound Bus Pipes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #34' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '7-24-17: Dating, One Love, Greyhound Bus Pipes | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #34' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-07-25. Transcript available.

7-24-17: Dating, One Love, Greyhound Bus Pipes  | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #34

This past weekend.
Welcome July 24th.
We're out here.
A little bit of Einstein.
A little bit of Dexter.
We got everybody out here today.
What's up guys?
Welcome to this past weekend.
I'm Theo Vaughn.
It is Monday, July 24th.
July 24th, that means that August is coming on.
August is coming on fast, you know, quickly.
I don't know if you've ever seen those relay races where it's the Olympics, you
know,
and it's usually the long distance relay or something.
And they got some white team is winning from Finland or, you know, some snow
land.
You know, from some one of those, you know, one of those cultures that lives in
those snow villages.
You know, in America, we get out these snow villages and these snow globes.
People put them out around Christmas and the holidays.
But they have a family, they have a team, I'm sorry, that's winning the Olympic
race.
But then suddenly, boy, a couple of, a little more tinted skin, might be a
brother, might be a mixed man.
Somebody comes running around the bend at the end and closes in on you fast.
And that's autumn right now.
That's fall.
Autumn almost upon us.
For some, I guess, I mean, I guess like in Michigan and stuff, you guys are, I
mean, is August still summer?
Are you folding it up?
I don't know.
I live in Los Angeles.
I live in Los Angeles.
There's no seasons here.
You can wear one dirty t-shirt.
You know, you don't have to, there's no commitment.
You don't have to do anything.
In Los Angeles, you can just be here and just scream about one world and
everybody is the same and everybody's good.
And never, you know, face any of the realities that are going on out in the
world.
You can do that here.
But I know that that's not the truth.
I know that autumn is coming.
Fall is coming for some people.
You know?
And that's the reality.
Good to be here, guys.
I'm happy to be here, man.
You know, I had a good weekend.
I didn't get into a ton of stuff.
You know?
I didn't get into the news, the Trump, Trump Jr.,
Trumple Stiltskin.
Somebody took a Trump in my yard, bro.
It's like the news, honestly, it's like the news has Asperger's.
And they start flopping off, you know?
When I was growing up, they had this boy in my neighborhood.
And they called him One Love.
That was his name.
And he was mentally handicapped.
And they called him One Love.
And he would just stand by his house, by the porch.
And all day, he just yelled, uh, one more day.
I can't wait.
That's what he said.
One more day.
I can't wait.
And that's all he said, man.
That's all he ever said.
There was a couple of months where he recited a few Aerosmith lyrics.
And I don't know what got into him.
I think that was around when Aerosmith and Guns N' Roses were touring together.
So he might have caught some of the excitement.
You know, even through his disability, some of the excitement might have found
its way through
through his disability into his brain and into his, uh, livelihood.
And I remember that was a beautiful time, you know, um, you know, when he would
set off
a little bit of dude looks like a lady, you know?
And that was, that got everybody in the neighborhood kind of fired up.
But one love, uh, you know, he had that Asperger's.
He had something, you know, he had a little bit of, you know, he had something.
He was caught hard.
You know, he was caught hard by, by the elements, you know, he's one of God's
favorites.
They call them sometimes people that have some disabilities and a beautiful boy,
you know,
and I think the daddy had left him.
And so it was just, uh, I think it was just maybe his mother and his
grandmother raising
him.
But anyhow, he had that.
And that's what I think of the news today.
It's Asperger's.
It is 24 hours a day, Asperger's.
They have just got to the point where they don't have any brain left or very
little brain
and they're just yelling the same things over and over again.
Whether you believe things they're saying or not, it's just ridiculous.
It's Asperger's at this point.
And that's why I think the only safe places to get your news anymore are from
dreams, rumors,
hearsay, smoke signals, and Ouija boards.
Homemade Ouija boards too.
Not the store bought ones because those are commercialized and who knows who's
behind them.
Probably Nike.
Okay.
But yeah, so I'm staying out of the news.
Uh, what else am I doing, dude?
Let me look here.
Oh, I did see one thing in the news about USA Today had an article.
Okay.
USA Today had an article where, uh, people were complaining about the lack of
women and no lead
actors of color in Dunkirk.
And Dunkirk is a film that's out right now.
Dunkirk, it's amazing.
And guess what?
I'm sorry, but there's white people in it.
It's a story about how white people attack some other white people.
And then those white people were beating them up.
And then some good white people came and rescued those white, original white
people.
You know?
And I just want to apologize, I think, on a national basis for being an adult
white male.
It is, I know, it's, we're not allowed to be that anymore.
And I'm sorry.
I mean, it'll probably only be another 50 years that I'll be alive.
So you won't have to sit as bear with me.
Bear with me, humanity.
You know?
And I'm all about equality, yeah.
But I don't like forced film casting.
I don't like it.
You know?
Because honestly, I never got over, I never got over Black Annie.
I never got over Black Annie.
I don't know if you've seen Annie.
Uh, the first one, eh, was okay.
Black Annie, nobody liked it.
Even black people were like, uh, why do we have to be Black Annie?
I just don't like it, man.
What's next, you know?
What's next?
Are we going to do a, uh, above the rim with white people or Vietnamese people?
You know?
I mean, if we're going to be, you know, if we're going to do it, then let's do
it.
But let's don't, I mean, you can't, Dunkirk, amazing movie.
If you haven't seen it, best movie I've seen since, uh, Shawshank Redemptions.
And that's when Andy Dufresne sneaks through the shit pipe and catches his
freedom that
he is well-deserved of and Brooks was here.
But anyhow, I just can't stand, I just can't believe this, you know, Dunkirk's
an amazing
film.
Check it out.
But this, this article, USA Today, complaining about lack of women.
Where are you going to put, I mean, there were some women, there were nurses,
there were
these men's mothers that were behind them that you could tell they wanted to
get home to
see their mothers and wives, there were women there in spirit.
I don't see a ton of men in the movie, a girl's trip, you know, but are men
complaining about
it?
No, because that's fine.
Just God, man, come on, you know, next thing there'll be complaint.
If you're not, if you don't have a woman trapped inside of your body, if you're
not transgender,
if you don't have, you know, then they're going to, people are going to be
complaining.
People are going to meet you on the street and be like, oh, come on, where, you
don't
have a woman trapped inside of you?
What's going on with you, boy?
I mean, it's just ridiculous.
And that's why I say about the news, man, it's Asperger's.
You think anybody really believes this?
No.
That's the thing.
And they get me to talk about it.
They get me to think about it and fired up, you know.
But they can only fool you for so long with the news.
They can only fool you for so long, you know.
I mean, at a certain point, it's almost nice to know that the news is just
bullshit, you know,
that it's just not real anymore, that it's, it's finally you realize that it's
not good
for you.
You know, you just realize that it's not even adding value to your life, which
I think that's
what the news used to do, was have an added value.
And if something's not adding value, I mean, that's when it's time to let it go.
But anyhow, I can't wait to see Dunkirk 2, you know, starring Charlize Theron
and Lena Dunharm.
You know, can't wait to see it, dude.
When they get attacked by a group of transgender aliens, fortunately, they get
rescued by Ezekiel
Elliott, and, and who else?
Catwoman, whoever Catwoman is.
So look forward to that sequel, Dunkirk 2.
Oh, what else, man?
I've been working out a little bit.
I'm in pain.
I don't know if you've ever been in that much pain.
Bad pain.
Getting older pain.
All of a sudden, this sounds like one of those commercials that you hear on a
podcast.
Man, I've been in pain recently.
Have you been in pain?
Oh, you know what helps me?
Unpain.
Unpain.com slash Theo.
No, I thought I was in shape.
That's what I'm starting to realize.
I thought I was in shape.
You know, if you, I thought it was, at least I thought I was a shape.
If you'd have picked a shape and said, well, what shape are you?
I would have named a shape.
Oh, I'm a triangle, you know, or I'm a lexicon, you know, or I'm an octagon.
But now, I don't even know if I'm in a shape anymore.
I feel like I'm just sort of something that's kind of piecemeal.
You know, just don't have a lot of shape going on in me at this point, you know.
I've been in a lot of pain in my legs.
I've been having a, seeing a trainer.
Beautiful young lady named Molly.
Great trainer and a good friend.
And she's a sweetheart.
She works with me.
She's very supportive.
Which is what your trainer should be.
You know, they should just be, they should be supportive, I feel.
But man, I mean, muscles.
I, I, apparently I have a muscle going from like my ankle to my nuts, bruh.
Because every time I kind of turn my knee out a little bit, you can feel a pull.
Kind of a, you know, an ankle to nuts.
Sort of that whole transcontinental railroad right there.
You can hear it.
You can hear it almost tighten up.
Like if I pulled a violin stick across the inside of my leg at that point, I
mean, I might just, I might just Beethoven you.
You know what I'm saying?
I might just hit you with that Bram's lullaby.
What else, man?
I had a date this weekend.
I hit you with the sensual update.
Still been struggling there with the dark arts on my end, you know.
And some of you guys know, if you're long-time listeners, that I've, you know,
often dealt back and forth with, you know, dealing with masturbatory activities
and, you know, falling victim to the habit of pornography.
And yeah, you know, and I've still, I hit some, I hit some turmoil there.
I don't want it anymore, you know, but I still find myself doing it.
And at that point, it's, for me, it's not a good habit.
For me, it's just not a good habit at that point, you know, and it's not really
a habit anymore.
At that point, it's coming something beyond that because a habit maybe is
something you could go do to enjoy yourself that can be positive.
But I guess you can have a bad habit and I guess, I guess maybe that's what it's
become, just a bad habit.
But I like to stay out of it.
You know, in the internet, they keep making more pornography.
Like what has to happen to have made enough?
You know what I'm saying?
Does somebody, it's almost like they just need to, you know, you need to have a
couple, like a, you know, a couple of naked dudes driving a truck with a big,
you know, cock on the front of it.
And then just have like a huge orifice in the middle of the street and then
just drive it into it at top speed.
Kind of like I'm back to the future and something's tied to the clock tower and
the whole reaction.
And then pornography breaks down.
But I, uh, I get caught up there, man.
You know, I get caught up there sometimes falling into it.
And then that kind of kills some of my libido and makes me not present, uh,
when I'm involved with real humans.
So, not to get too interpersonal right there, but that's just, you know, part
of what's going on.
Um, but yeah, I had a little bit of a date this weekend, uh, and it was nice,
man.
I got some feelings, you know, I found myself getting some feelings and I got
nervous too about having feelings.
Um, and so I was thinking a lot about that, you know, about if somebody, if I
feel somebody cares about me, what, how do I feel then?
Um, and I started to realize that I don