Name: 7-31-17: Montreal, Sexual Diaramas, Hot Tub Neck Attacks? | | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #35
Uploaded: 2017-08-01T00:32:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '7-31-17: Montreal, Sexual Diaramas, Hot Tub Neck Attacks? | | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #35' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '7-31-17: Montreal, Sexual Diaramas, Hot Tub Neck Attacks? | | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #35' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-01. Transcript available.

7-31-17: Montreal, Sexual Diaramas, Hot Tub Neck Attacks? |  | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #35

What's up, you vanilla chinchillas?
Do you know that when you die, sometimes they find mold behind your eyeballs?
Oh, that's ice cold.
We got sexual dioramas, hot tub neck attacks, and Canadian floor babies.
Welcome to This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
We got that starter, baby.
Monday, July 31st, you friggin' pimpled yard animals, huh?
Your owner giving you water?
Are you having to suck off the hose, dude?
Get thirsty, baby.
It's Monday, you got to get this week, huh?
What you gonna do this week, huh?
You gonna hug your kids?
You gonna blow an Egyptian?
What are you gonna do?
We all got to take steps.
We got to get to that next level, baby.
Have some fun while we all...
Good to be here, man.
Welcome to This Past Weekend.
It is Monday, January 31st of 2017.
And if you're on the YouTube now...
Some of you guys don't know.
The audio...
The audio you're listening to right now comes out on iTunes, SoundCloud,
wherever.
Stitcher.
Cat Daddy.
Airwave.
Something.
Well, you can get a taste of this.
You can get this dirt gristle in your ears.
Now, if you want to see the video of this, it pops up on the YouTubes.
And that's sometime late in the evening on Monday or sometime Tuesday morning.
That has to be edited and kind of put together.
It's the same show, but it's got visuality.
You know?
And visuality is just...
You know what it is.
It's whatever you're looking at right now, unless you're blind.
And shout out to the blind, man.
My buddy Maurice is blind, and he said it's not that bad in there.
You know?
And he said...
He said it's not that bad, and it's that music sounds better.
He was always trying to tell me that he thinks music sounds better to him
because he's blind.
So he gets his airwaves.
You know, they just hit deeper.
Because you're not encumbered by vision, by colors, by different things going
on.
You know that all your senses are coming out of your ears.
Your eyes aren't taking up a lot of your bandwidth.
So when your ears are operating at full bandwidth, you're coming in hot.
And so he gets that spice straight into his brain.
He gets that air spice, that sound, straight into his brain when he hears music.
And we don't get that, those of us who have visuality.
But God bless him, Maurice.
And good to be with you guys today, man.
And if you're on the YouTubes, you're seeing I'm recording in a different spot
today.
I am at the comedy club at the comedy store.
Because I have to perform in a little while.
I just got back from Montreal, from Canada.
So I don't know what the exchange rate is on being a straight mother hugging pimp.
But apparently it's one to one when it comes to this cat daddy.
Okay?
You know what I'm saying?
I'll hide some gunpowder in your granddaddy's asshole.
You know what I'm saying?
That's the kind of fella I am.
When I have to get real.
Okay?
When I got to get real with somebody.
But welcome, man.
I hope you guys had a good weekend.
Some people had birthdays this weekend.
Some people maybe had a baby.
If you had a baby this weekend, God bless that beautiful little mud kitten.
You know?
Straight out of them dirty walls out into the world, you know?
Popping right out of mom's wallet.
You know?
Filling its lungs with that freaking H2O.
You know what I'm saying?
That dry H2O air.
You know what I'm talking about.
I also want to thank.
They had a young lady a few months ago.
I was at the Calusa Casino.
She gave me this card.
It says Onward on it.
And it's a beautiful card.
Onward, it says.
And I appreciate that.
Made out of metal.
Hear that?
Metal card.
But let's go back from Montreal from the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival.
And man, Canada's hard to get into.
Let me say that.
I don't know if you've been to Canada.
Or you ever try to make love to a Canadian person.
I don't know if that's, if it's the same at those gates.
You know, as it is at the vaginy and butt gates.
As it is at the continental walls there.
At the country walls.
But it's hard to get into Canada.
Dude, I've been to Kenya.
Nairobi.
Botswana.
Botswana, baby.
Gitmo.
You know.
I've been, I once broke into someone's house over there outside of, outside of
Covington, Kentucky.
You know.
And, and there are places that are hard to get into.
Canada, extremely hard to get into.
They ask you trick questions right when you get there.
Did you wash your clothes?
They'll ask you stuff like that.
You're like, ah.
And so you start to sweat.
And you're sweating right there.
It's a man.
Or it's a lady.
A strong lady.
Right there at the customs.
And they'll put you on the hot spot.
You know.
What's your favorite cheese?
I'll ask you.
And you're like, bam.
Havarti.
You know.
But if you don't have that in you.
You're sitting there trying to describe cheese.
You know, the yellow.
The, um.
The, the, the melted, clack, clack.
They'll send you out.
One time I got stuck at customs.
And I got locked into this thing for about two hours.
With, um.
A musician.
His name.
He sang that song, um.
Let it rock.
Let it rock.
Um.
Just I.
Uh.
Just in the fire and the burn.
And, uh.
Let it rock.
Let it rock.
Let it rock.
And I think he did a remix or something with Lil Wayne as well.
I don't remember his name.
If you can.
If you know that song.
You want to drop into the YouTubes.
Or, or hashtag it this past weekend.
Let me know what it is on Twitter.
But he was a nice guy.
I got stuck with him at customs one time.
But anyhow, you can see that I'm recording this week in the comedy store.
On the video.
I'm here under the comedy store.
People are performing upstairs right now.
Um.
There's a podcast studio in the basement of the comedy store.
Uh.
Bobby Lee was just on stage.
I was just talking with Mark Maron.
Who's in that new, um.
Glow.
Uh.
Television show on Netflix.
And, uh.
But I got to, I got to Canada.
I mean, I went to the Just for Laughs Montreal Comedy Festival.
Montreal is a sister city to New Orleans.
So, if you like the good food, you can go to Montreal.
You can go to New Orleans.
If you like the murder for dessert.
You know what I'm saying?
If you like a little bit of hacksaw Jim Duggan to your back of your skull.
Then you can mostly get that down in New Orleans.
And Montreal is diverse, man.
I mean, if you're racist, you can barely figure out who to hate.
It's very tricky.
You know, it's a tough place, I think, if you're a racist, to really get
specific.
To lock your targets.
You know, to top gun on somebody.
And I got up there and I was a little bit, I guess I had some nerves at first.
It's, and the Just for Laughs Festival's been going on, I think, for, I want to
say 50 years.
Maybe 35, 45, 45 years.
And it's all the greatest comedians from America and some from around the world
that show up there.
And all the agents, the best agents.
I mean, you're talking Kevin Hart and his, you know, the best managers.
They're all there.
All of them.
They're all staying in the same hotel, even.
So, at night, you can go downstairs and you got, you know, everybody's down
there partying.
And you got Danny McBride, you got, you know, Cedric the Entertainer, Howie
Mandel.
You got Bobby, you know, Bobby Lee actually has never been there, he just told
me.
But you got, you know, Jen Kirkman, you got, you know, Ali Wong, you got Eric
Griffin, you got Chris D'Elia, you got everybody.
And it's unbelievable.
It's like the Olympics, sort of, for comedians.
And it's just, but you're not competing against each other.
It's just more of a celebration.
It's kind of like NBA All-Star Weekend for comedians.
And that happens every year in Montreal.
And anybody can go.
Anyone can go and get tickets.
And you can go and hang out at the bar in the evening where everyone is.
And it's just a blast, man.
All these networks throw different parties.
And there's, on the street, there are these huge stages with outdoor
performances.
And so much is in French, and people's eating baguettes.
And you got a hooker, it's prostitutes.
Prostitution big in Montreal.
You know, so you got that leg candy walking around.
You know, you got them girls with that sugar pouch out there shaking it.
You know what I'm saying?
Trying to give you that diabetes, if you will.
You know.
And I just got back from there.
So I'm feeling some honor.
You know, I'm feeling, I guess, some honor.
You know, to be a part of that this weekend.
And it gets to see.
I mean, I had lunch the other day with my buddy Steve Byrne and Dave Attell.
You know, Dave Attell is considered the greatest joke writer of all time.
And just to get to spend time around him.
And, you know, and I look at him, of course, like, you know, I respect him.
And, you know, I have a lot of admiration.
And, you know, I romanticize the idea of even just being able to have a few
jokes that are as good as that man's.
Of his style.
But it's great to just sit and kind of share experiences.
And just feel that some of your idols and some of the people you admire are
just regular people.
And Dave was telling me a story at lunch.
He said, you know, there's a show up here that's kind of off.
It's off the beaten path.
It's done every year where people show up and tell crazy stories about Andy
Dick.
And Andy Dick is not a sex toy.
It's a man.
Andy Dick is a man.
He's an adult man.
And he's a comedian.
And I actually got to open up for David Attell in Shreveport, Louisiana.
And that's, I think, Louisiana's third biggest city.
And this was probably 10 years ago, eight, eight, maybe eight years ago, nine
years ago.
Eight, nine, or 10 years ago.
I'll just say those again.
And Dave, after the show, I walked over to a strip club.
Because this is back when I used to, I didn't mind seeing some of that, you
know, that dancing puss.
You know, I'm saying that, you know, seeing a little bit of the old, the titty
globetrotters up there.
And Dave, and so I walk over there, and Andy Dick, Andy Dickalus, is outside of
the strip club.
Outside.
He's drunk.
He's hooked up on liquor.
You know, he got his brain filled with liquor.
And I'm not talking out of shop here.
I've told Andy this story, and he knows it.
And I love Andy Dick, and I'm telling this story.
And Andy Dick had this little kind of hench woman with him.
This little love of his, little younger love.
Little white girl, you know.
And anyhow, it turns out Andy Dick offered me a little blowjob.
A little be-jeezy.
You know what I'm saying?
That buh to the ja.
You know what I'm saying?
That buh-buh-buh-buh.
Juh-juh-juh-juh.
You think it's just two letters, but ta-da-ow.
Somebody's getting a dick sub.
You feel me?
So Andy Dick offered me that, and I declined.
You know, and you've always, some of you always want, you know.
And I admire Andy Dick as a comedian and an entertainer to immense levels.
And some of you guys are like, eh, he's not that funny.
Maybe he is, maybe he's.
Andy Dick, I think, is one of the most entertaining people I've ever seen.
He had a show on MTV for a while called The Assistant, I think it was.
And hold on, I'm going to drink for a second off of the microphone
because I know it bugs some people.
Andy had a show called The Assistant on MTV.
And it's the greatest show ever.
If you can go back and find that anywhere, Andy Dick's The Assistant that was
on MTV.
And the show Joe Schmoe, the original season, two of the greatest unscripted or
reality shows ever of all time.
Anyhow, so Andy Dick offered me that bit, that BG's, you know what I'm saying?
That double consonant, you know what I'm saying?
That mouth cack.
That mouth cack activity.
You know?
That meat chirp.
He offered me that meat chirp.
And I denied.
I wasn't interested.
Fast forward three years.
I'm performing in Shreveport again.
I go to the casino.
I go to the strip club after, and that's just a sex casino.
And Andy Dick is again in town shooting something else, different film,
something.
I don't know.
Because he wasn't living in Shreveport.
He was there shooting something.
Some piece of entertainment.
Some footage.
Usable footage.
And he said, he offered me the same thing, that double consonant to the cop.
And again, I 