Name: 8-7-17: Snow Storms, Pop Up Shows, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #36
Uploaded: 2017-08-08T06:31:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '8-7-17: Snow Storms, Pop Up Shows, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #36' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '8-7-17: Snow Storms, Pop Up Shows, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #36' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-08. Transcript available.

8-7-17: Snow Storms, Pop Up Shows, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #36

this past weekend I'm get that video firing up all right I don't always play
the music but sometimes I do
good day guys you celebrating it what you thinking about the goodness of the
badness today
you know that soon we're gonna die death out there boy
let's have some fun while we all die you gotta have fun man
you got to get keyed into the good parts you know you got to get keyed into the
good parts man
I remember when I was growing up they had a cemetery and a cemetery is where
they keep the
dead you know it's where it gets basically one of God's filing cabinets you
know um it's where
they keep the dead and and a lot of times they had these dudes that would bury
bury people
you know put them in the dirt and some of the people were people that they didn't
even have
funerals for so we go by the fence and we'd watch them do the burials you know
um I mean it's almost
like a just kind of uh just feed and mother just like it was almost like the
like the earth eight
dead bodies and these men were the um were the the the the spoon feeders you
know these mortuary guys
these burial guys you ever see the thing where like somebody like plays with a
baby they put the food
on the you know they put them fancy peaches on the spoon and they
they do the airplane you know that's almost like with these guys were the
burial guys
where they would you know they wouldn't do the airplane sound with the body and
then drop it into the
hole but they would you know they were the guys that were bringing the the food
to the mouth you know and the food was
was the body and the mouth was um mother nature earth you know and they pop
they they get that orifice open
they dig the dirt out make a hole put the body in there but we go over there
and watch them by the fence
me and my buddy danny and he had a bad neck on him he was
very light in the neck i don't know if he had a i don't know if he had spine in
him or if he was just
more um uh what is it called just cartilage he was thick he was thick and heavy
on cartilage you know
and he uh and anyway we watch you men put the bear put the ground in put the
body in the thing the
casket and sometimes they take a break they take a break and go for a walk go
do something else
you know have to cut grass or something you know and so we'd stand by that
fence and they had a bunch
of um they had these crab apples and they looked like apples but they were hard
so you would get them
and if you cooked them down you could eat them but if you didn't cook them you
could just kind of
they were really ripe you could kind of get a bite one bite and it was not very
good it was not very
good snack um but you get one bite and we try to throw these crab apples into
the open grave if they
had an open grave so sometimes i feel a little bit bad about that i guess
looking back on my own life
you know i'm out there humming apples in the grave sites you know um so just
kind of
i don't know if that's bad or good i don't know you know i don't think the i
don't think there's any
scripture out there or anything like that that says you can't you know send
somebody up to heaven
with a couple apples in their pockets but we used to me and um me and limp danny
used to throw them
in there grow apples in the grave sites anyway i don't know why i got already
already off on a
tangent happy uh happy week it is uh monday august 7th and you're listening to
this past weekend
i'm theo vaughn thank you guys for being here uh thank you for being alive you
know you got to be
alive to listen that's the thing as far as we know as far as we know i hope i
hope that's the case
because when i die you can shut the audio down cat okay you could empty out my
ear holes i don't want
to i don't need any other sound i just want to feel the joy that's all i want
to do man i just want
to be in a damn just that eternal bubble bath you know with your loved ones
just kind of floating by
you know maybe smoking cigarettes or you know having them a little bit of a
snack maybe a dessert
but i don't want to be listening and everything i just want to be able to look
somebody in the eyes
when i see them in the afterlife and let and they'll know that i love them and
they'll and i'll know that
they love me that's what i want i don't need to hear all of this you know i
feel like sometimes we'd be
so much better off if we didn't have all this sound coming out of us but then
here i am you know
yelling into a into an empty room here um you know trying to fill up fill up
your side holes in by
your brain you know your little audio bat caves so but good to be here with you
guys uh happy happy
august almost winter do you realize that it's almost winter and you're probably
going to be growing a
beard and that's why i've got to say that dollar shave club is the smarter
choice that's right i'm
hitting you guys with an ad here dollar shave club is the smarter choice some
people have beards you
know you ever seen somebody with a beard sometimes bald people grow a beard oh
they can't grow it on
the top they're gonna grow it out the bottom you know just to show that they
still got that power
that hair power but dollar shave club man they got that new executive razor and
that thing it's like
rubbing kind of a strong baby's ass across your face that thing is it's quality
i got it i've been
using it i really have in the shower i'll be i i i uh i shave in the shower you
know i shave in the
shower probably like a woman i think a lot of women do that so i have that in
me you know i was raised
by a single mother so maybe that's where i caught that but when i use my dollar
shave club executive
razor with that dr carver shave butter and it's just for shaving you can't put
it on bread
it makes me feel good i feel a smooth shave you know i feel like i got two baby's
ass cheeks on the
side of my face one on each side not two on one side i feel good and for a
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dollarshaveclub.com
slash weekend all right let's get into what what i was up to this weekend man
first of all i want
to say that it's almost winter you know i saw a woman this weekend saying she
was cold so you're
gonna start seeing that i'm cold i'm cold you know you're gonna start seeing
that and i remember
they had a lot of people get violent snowstorms you know which is amazing snowstorms
are usually
you never hear oh we got this comfortable beautiful snowstorm you always hear
we got this violent
snowstorm and i don't know where these snowstorms are learning this type of
behavior you know in the
nether sphere of the weather sphere up there you know in the in the up there in
the ballooniverse
up there in the sky i don't know where they're learning this but they're coming
down here and
doing dirt a lot of them and i remember they had a boy in our town they had one
snowstorm when i was
growing up and i believe that it was in 1991 and i was in an all-star
basketball league and i was not a
very good basketball player but i think mentally and emotionally i needed to be
part of that squad
and so they put me on it because some of these men uh in our town saw that i
needed a little bit
extra i needed a little bit of help i needed something to boost my spirits and
sometimes you
do that sometimes you make somebody a part of something just because they need
it you know it's
kind of like um rob ryan and rex ryan those coaches that are in the nfl you
know they're no good
but you know that that they might always be heartbroken that their father was
such a good
defensive coach and that they'll never be able to compete and so they keep them
in the nfl just to
kind of boost their spirits and probably keep them from omitting themselves
from life you know
ending up in a holes where me and uh light neck danny will be humming apples at
them you know trying
to hit them with that vegan diet on the way out but uh but let me get back to
what i was saying so
you have this um oh shoot man my brain oh it was winter time basketball and
snow hit so they called
a timeout for the whole game in the middle of the game they called a timeout
just and we're like
everybody because everybody ran out of the game nobody's even watching this
basketball game anymore
in our town people outside throwing playing in the snow and i swear they had
one icicle i guess it
formed and it came down on a boy out there and he was out there eating snow one
of those kids not eating
yellow snow i know they all have that old joke don't eat the yellow snow but
this boy was just out
there i mean just snacking on any cold water stack that he could get his get
his hands on and when he
he would just put that snow in the face he was filling his mouth and he couldn't
feel his cheeks
anymore because he was getting so cold it was almost like he was when the snow
hit he became mentally
handicapped and i grew up down there in the mentally handicapped belt you know
we had a lot of
you know mentals they called them then um kids with autism kids with a little
bit everything
you know some kids they would say oh he got bit by a bat you know if they didn't
want to
you know make it real scientific you know because back then it was just more it
didn't matter that
you know oh well he's got you know this blah blah syndrome or this you know affliction
or this thing
or this or it was just you know oh maybe he got he got rabies you know he
couldn't shake it he got
bit by a bat maybe you know oh he got hit by something he got hit by a trans am
and he hasn't really
been exactly the same person you know his studies have gone downhill since then
you know and that was
okay it was just kind of part of the way things were it was okay if you had a
handicap you know now
everybody we all look the same you know we all go through we go through these
processes we look the
same everybody got a straight neck you know everybody got a straight neck and
everybody got
you know white teeth and everybody has teeth you know i remember they had a
they had a dude in our
town he all his teeth he i don't know if he something was going on with him or
he was you know
he used to he had a lot of his teeth in his pocket and when he would smile he
would he would hold his
mouth open like he was smiling but then he would take his teeth out of his
pocket and show them to
you at the same time so it was almost like he was it was still a smile
technically because you had both
elements of the smile you had the open mouth and the shape and the joy in his
face but then you had
to look at his hand to see the teeth that were supposed to be in the smile but
i you know i commend that
man because that's hard work you know when you it's easy for us to smile we got
all our teeth right
there it's one action open the mouth feel joy throw it at somebody directionally
you know but this man
he had a reach into his pocket when he wanted to smile at somebody he had to
show him the teeth and
he kept them clean but anyhow this one boy went out into the snow and and he
got hit by an icicle
dude and his cheeks were already fillings out there just you know filling up on
snow and maybe they've been
poor and they were home you know who knows i mean when snow falls for the first
time in your life you
have people collecting it you know some people thought it was like a collector's
item you know you
had people you know burying stuff in it people um you know saving it and
bathing water boiling things
in it um you know you had people doing prayers and all kinds of stuff and
writing prayers out in the
snow and all kinds of stuff you know you had people just you know drawing
crosses and getting new tattoos
and do-it-yourself tattoos and all that cat shit you know you had the
activities you had the joy
because it was excitement it was something new you know it'