Name: Eclipse Urine-ers, End of The World Party Hosts | | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #38
Uploaded: 2017-08-22T03:36:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Eclipse Urine-ers, End of The World Party Hosts | | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #38' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Eclipse Urine-ers, End of The World Party Hosts | | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #38' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-22. Transcript available.

Eclipse Urine-ers, End of The World Party Hosts |  | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #38

this past weekend okay we got the audio going cutting this on just took my afrin
so
hopefully that's gonna help me breathe
happy to be here
a little frustrating
i'm trying to quit smoking
thank you for joining me man and i haven't been a smoker but i just kind of
started you know
really just kind of farting around with the habit and and cigarettes are crazy
i don't know what
they put in cigarettes cocaine maybe but um they are an enticing little treat
you know
and you start thinking you they become the first thing you think of sometimes
cigarettes you know
they become the first thing that you think of if you're having a moment of
difficulty or a moment
of triumph um instead of thinking oh man how do i solve this how do i feel
about this how do i do
anything instead you have a cigarette you know you just smoke that feeling out
of your brain and out of
your bloodstream with that uh cigarette smoke you know and this is an age-old
tradition i don't think
it's bad long term if you can use it in severe moderation the problem is doing
that that's the
hard thing so uh i've i've done great with it over the years flared up probably
in the past year the
past few months i've been great and then now it's really i've fallen uh just in
the past three or four
days just fell back down that stairs you know that carcinogen staircase you
know when you just just
banging your head and on each stairs you bounce down you know emphysema asthma
the black lung pop
you know getting your toes cut off and the next thing you know you're lying at
the bottom of the
staircase you know you're breathing through one of those you know those
gangster ass throat holes you
know i mean some of those throat holes get big you know i've seen somebody had
i mean i'm surprised
a couple ninja turtles didn't pop out of it you know this fella had a real he
had a real um he had a
real you know a real little almost like a big third nostril you know he could
take a hit off the whole
world through his neck but it's not healthy you know when you have that that
kind of stuff isn't healthy
but but so today i've gone all day i've had some cravings you know i mean if
you'd have told me there
was a hit of nicotine in my bloodstream i would have i would have dressed up
like a vampire and damn bit
myself okay that's where i was at but welcome guys i appreciate you being here
with me this morning i
really do appreciate your time uh this is monday august 21st 2017 and as far as
we know and for most of us
this will be the only monday august 21st 2017 that we ever have you know unless
there are some time
travelers out there you know i like to start thinking about time travel and i'm
gonna look
into it i'm gonna do some google research and then some real research um you
know and just talk to
friends and see maybe what they think about time travel are there time
travelers here how does that
work what's going on you know what do they eat what do they do what do they do
in their spare time
you know a lot of times you see these time traveling shows and people travel a
time they travel through
time with a poignant purpose you know they got something on their mind you know
they got a little
bit of beef they got a uh you know that they gotta that they have to you know
grill but in a different
time period so you got them straight up people traveling just trying to um you
know uh cure cure
meats you know and by meats i mean different issues that are going on you know
maybe they gotta travel
back 100 years to because they they're helping with prohibition or they got to
travel back 70 years
because they're helping you know um somebody took a gunshot wound and they got
to step in the way of
it or something you know there's always a specific uh meat that they're heading
back to grill if you
will that's that's all metaphorical the type of they go there's a specific
reason that they're traveling
back in time right well i wonder what do time travelers do when they're not
being specific you
know what are they doing they're just kind of milling around do they you know
uh you know is it hard if
you travel back in time because you don't have the the the customs and the
probably the dope future
shit the dfs that they have down the road i don't know but anyhow you might be
able to time travel
today because it's eclipse day people have been talking about it right it is a
solar eclipse
and um one of the one of the things that's apparently amazing about this one is
that it's the
this one is the the the best one since 1918 that you can see here in the united
states it's basically
diagonal across the united states from portland um down i want to say to florida
but that's
you know just me taking the easiest way out of of this question or out of this
thought but it's
diagonal across the u.s uh there's a lot of people apparently have descended
upon portland
to see see see stuff go dark you know and it's interesting man uh since 1918
you know and my
father actually so some of you guys know my father was born in 1910 uh so my
father was eight years old
i don't know if he saw the eclipse or not if it was as big of a thing to them
but uh it's just interesting to think sometimes like what your parents were
doing when they were
children you know i always put my parents or i always put adults um especially
as you grow up on
this odd pedestal on this special place i mean surely they have more knowledge
so you're you'll you'll
most of the time you'll accept that but then you also put them in this other
sort of realm
of of of humanity and of experience um but then as you get older it it's it's
interesting to try and
think back what they were like as children you know i mean i think about my
father in 1918 you know
maybe standing out there looking at the eclipse down in nicaragua i don't know
if they got it you
know i don't think he came to america actually till he was 12 years old but i
do remember my dad telling
me one time that two of his buddies or two children in his neighborhood got
into a gun fight children
okay children got into a gun fight and they went and and it wasn't like gangbangers
type of stuff
this was some kids said i'm going to get my gun some kids that i'm going to get
my daddy's gun
and they went both went got gun six shooters then they came outside and they
both shot shot at each
other six times each 12 times and didn't hit each other dude is that i mean
that's when you think
about it that is remarkable that two kids somewhere around the age of 10 or 11
years old or 12 years
old went and got six shooters shot them off at each other and didn't hit each
other man i mean that's
truly beautiful when you think about it you know i mean but those were
different times man that's maybe
when you settled things like that you know but it's the longest visible eclipse
in america since 1918
you know i wonder if animals and plants are they concerned like when the sun
goes out
you know are dogs gonna will will cats give a fuck you know will ferns kind of
start creeping on
people or you know getting iry you know i'm just kind of wondering what else
the rest of nature is doing
you know because we have 50 000 people flying to oregon to go witness this you
know um
i think i'm fine witnessing witnessing it from here it'll it'll hit us at 10 28
a.m pacific standard
time so that's you know noon 28 a.m um noon 28 p.m uh central standard time so
if you want to get out
there and check it out man uh but yeah i think about that sometimes what our
parents were like what they
did when they were young because they just did regular dumb kid shit like we
did you know like
they weren't they weren't our parents back then they were just children when
they were young so they
were just doing dumb shit you know and my father probably lived in a time i'm
thinking you know when
over the summer or whatever your buddies just died you know and even a lot of
times like the 30s and stuff
the dust bowl 20 i mean people just died you're like i mean people only lived
maybe what 40 years old
41 people died all the time you know you'd be walking to church or something
somebody gets bit by a snake
dies dude before brunch i mean that's crazy you know it's crazy to think that
how people just died
all the time fever snakes you know spiders attack animals you know strangling
strangling
dude come on you even imagine the amount of strangling that that was going on
back then
you know i mean you could leave for a school year come back half your class is
missing
you know two people died of tetanus one kid uh bitten by a wolf you know where's
lawrence i don't know
you know he went to get some water nobody ever saw him again you know do you
want some of his old
pants i don't know let's play marbles before we probably die you know let's get
a let's get a game
of marbles in before the lord comes and gets us you know that's what i'm
thinking it probably said to
be a wild universe back then you know but the eclipse is here man it's a great
time probably to steal
some shit if you think about stealing some shit great time to show somebody
your dick or something
you know if you're into that kind of stuff if you're into the dark arts um but
it's a great time to kind
of act out i think and i think it's nice also because we've been needing
something in america
that especially in america maybe in the world that just shows us that mother
nature is the boss
you know we're kind of hooked on a on us being the boss we control it all
you know we're one fancy tidal wave uh from everybody you know being out on the
street
you know uh you know shanking each other out for uh for cans of of uh of uh of
albacore fish
you know we're we are we are we are one long uh you know thunderous earthquake
away from people
you know setting traps in the park to try and get a pair of new shorts you know
i mean that's where we're
at you know people don't realize that i think we've gotten so caught up in
ourselves we're almost
bored in america you know in the way that we don't we start to forget that we're
humans in a way
i don't know if that makes sense to anybody we're starting to forget that we're
humans
you know like being human doesn't seem as important as like being right or
being wrong or being selfish
those things seem to have taken up most importance but i don't know man it's
just wild dude so i'm glad
that mother nature's coming just do a little bit of aerial work you know a
little bit of cirque de
solar you know get out there and show her nuts off because you know mother
nature's transgender don't you
know don't you know that you know mother nature's transgender dude i mean you
know she's getting out
there with them solar balls you know i'm gonna make them work make them do a
little bit of sky work
so i'm excited to see that because we need something we need something just to
show us
that you know that that we as people are more important we need to have some
empathy there's
not a lot of empathy these days everybody wants to be right you know why do we
have to be right that's
so crazy you know i can understand us wanting to be right but having to be
right is just a kind of a
reach but anyhow what else is going on man yeah i was just thinking about that
what you know what it
was like when my father was young he told me kids were real starving out in nicaragua
and they would eat
dirt he said they had children that would eat dirt in this village where his
family was doing some
missionary work over there or where they were doing some church work and and he'd
see children eating
dirt you know making but they would mold the dirt into food and then eat it and
that's pretty
it's interesting you know it's kind of ball that's that's pretty gangster you
know it's like yeah
anybody could just eat dirt dude but what about this dirt brulee i'm about to
have i respect people
like that people that have an imagination even in the toughest of times yeah i
hate to say that but
i mean maybe that's wild but i feel like we need something in mother nature or
in the w