Name: Theo Von - Greyhound Bus Tales
Uploaded: 2017-08-25T20:03:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - Greyhound Bus Tales' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - Greyhound Bus Tales' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-08-25. Transcript available.

What up, Mr. Theo? This is your boy, Travis.
Your boy, Travis.
Now, I knew a boy growing up named Ravis, and it was supposed to be Travis,
but they didn't write all the letters on the certificate when he was born, and
he was Ravis.
But this is Travis. Take it away, Travis.
Calling from Portland, Oregon, calling about some crazy bus rides.
Crazy bus rides. Now, I'm going to stop you right there because I've had some.
You know, I used to work on a soybean, cotton, and corn farm along the
Mississippi-Louisiana border,
right along the Mississippi River over there, Vidalia, Waterproof, Faraday,
home of Jerry Lee Lewis,
and Natchez, all in that area. It was my good friend's sister's family farm.
And that's where I met Slack Ronnie. That almost cut off my leg, too, if you
want to go back and listen to that story.
So, dude, when I would bus ride, I would ride from down there in Louisiana
where I lived up to the farm to work.
And on that bus, man, they always had a lot of people. Here's who's on the bus.
Children that are going between poor parents a lot of times are on the bus.
Like, a parent is like, okay, I'll send them to you at your weekend or your
week or your summer with them.
Here you go.
Poor people. There's a lot of poverty on the bus.
And then, people that just got out of prison. Jail.
Also, a lot of, like, church groups and stuff that are trying to save money.
Things like that. Long-distance travelers that are trying to save money.
So, that's kind of your conglomerate that you have on there.
You always have an angry driver who is, it's often a black man or woman, you
know.
And somebody can go to bat with me on that if they want to.
I'm not trying to be racist, but I'm going to be statistically accurate.
Okay, I've ridden on probably 108 hounds, 108 times.
It was kind of a black-hardy man or black-hardy woman.
One time, we stopped by a man's family reunion for about 45 minutes, dude, on
the way there.
And everybody got out, and some people were pissed, and some people just smoked
cigarettes and just stayed out of the heat.
But I've been on those buses, man.
And a lot of times, they'll have a homosexual gentleman on there who's passing
you notes.
You know, they have a girl who's, you know, selling hats or some bullshit.
Everybody's asking for money.
I mean, everybody who walks to the back to go to the bathroom is asking for
money.
And you really are just surviving.
It's basically like, it's like Survivor, that game show, but it's on a bus.
And you paid for the experience.
And you can also find me on Sunday night.
I will troll the Greyhound Bus Help Twitter feed, and I'll retweet some tweets
out of that.
And it gets pretty wild.
But I had a man on there take me behind a building, said he was selling artwork,
and he was showing out his cop.
I had another man on there who threatened a woman, said he was sick of
everything, poured a bunch of cocaine into the barrel of a gun,
got off the bus, said he was going to go shoot himself right in the nose.
What else did we have on there, dude?
I had some other fellows that sat next to me and tried to get wild.
I kissed a young black gal, an African-American woman, on a train one time, on
a bus one time, a road train.
And that's pretty much it.
Those are some of my stories for now.
But let's hear yours.
Let's take it away.
One time I was taking a bus from Sacramento back home to Portland, Greyhound,
of course.
Anytime you're on Greyhound, you never know what's going to happen, really.
Amen, brother.
Onward.
So, yeah, I was working for this guy, and I'm growing a lot of blood for him.
Turned out to be a piece of shit, so I ended up taking about a pound and a half
of blood.
Copping your rent, huh?
Copping your rent's worth.
Onward.
Heating in my bag, suitcase, bottom of my suitcase.
No problems.
No canines, nothing.
So we got no problems.
We got about a pound and a half of weed on a Greyhound bus, leaving a job where
you didn't feel like you were appreciated.
Let's keep it savvy.
Go.
So the ride was smooth, but I was talking to this dude right before we even got
onto the bus.
He already ended up talking about blood or whatever.
As soon as we got on the bus, we're talking this and that.
He's like, yeah, man, I got a pipe.
You know, if you want to hit in the bathroom real quick.
Like, you know, won't that smell?
Won't they smell it?
He's like, no, man.
Wow.
So let me tell you, a Greyhound bus, first of all, is like a bathroom.
So if you go to the bathroom on a Greyhound bus, you're going double bathroom,
bro.
That's double.
I mean, that's like hiding in the throat of the devil and then choosing to snuggle
up inside of his voice box.
You feel me?
Let's keep this savvy.
Go.
So he's hitting you with that griddle.
He's trying to put you on that griddle, you know?
He's trying to have you grill yourself.
What'd you do here?
Let's hear it.
I was like, oh, I thought it was talking about weed.
I hit the pipe.
And.
Okay.
So you hit the pipe anyway, bro.
Look, dude, I respect it.
You know, you're out there in the game.
You got to, you know, if they put you in the game, sometimes you got to dribble
the ball, you know?
So you're on a ground.
But here's my question is you had a pound and a half of weed hidden.
You know, they gave you the meth pipe.
Do you have to hit?
Couldn't you have just smoked a little bit of that weed?
That's kind of what's wild to me about it.
But let's hear it up.
Sorry.
Go on.
I was kind of tripping.
I was like, oh, I thought the dude was talking about weed.
I hit the pipe.
And long story short, didn't sleep the whole damn ride.
And this dude, you know, he was just going back and forth, crazy stories.
Anyways, man, I don't know.
It was a pretty cool experience, you know?
Okay, so there you go.
That was a bus experience that he had navigating the nation's roadways via bus,
via autobus.
And I wonder, man, it's, you know, you get that, you know, it's, one thing that's
funny,
and I'm going to relate to you here, and I appreciate the call, man.
I do appreciate you calling and sharing.
I've never been on the methamphetamines or even taking a surprise hit of it.
I have a family member who smoked some meth one time and went rock climbing
and actually ended up climbing their way up to a nudist colony where she and
her boyfriend stayed up there and had lunch with the locals.
But that was out in Arizona, outside of Tucson, I believe.
Anyhow, yeah, man, you're on the Greyhound bus.
And sometimes what I notice is when you're in, when you're, you got to fit in
with your environment, okay?
Because say you sit there with the dude, right?
And I'm going to picture this dude, probably white dude, dice on his neck, tatted
dice, you know?
Probably got a bunch of, you know, like tennis shoes, like wrapped around his
neck, hanging off the laces, you know?
Got six bandanas, got a bandana on each kneecap, you know?
I mean, even probably his knee, even his kneecaps were in rival gangs, you know?
So he just, he'd probably walk all bowlegged because his knees can't get along,
you know?
He got some kind of Jordans, you know, or double Jordans, you know?
He gots it all, you know?
He's all clipped up and gripped up.
And I can see that, you know?
And if you're in that environment, sometimes if you sit next to that guy on the
bus, you have to, you got to play that game.
Because if you play the, I'm too good for this, I'm better than this, I can't
relate, that's when shit gets weird.
That's when the dude's like, I'm going to rob this guy, you know?
And that, I think is, you know, that's a lot of what you see a lot of in the
world today.
In America, it's that people can't relate to each other.
Because people don't want to sit next to each other on that bus.
You know, some people want to be up in first class and pretend they know what's
going on in coach.
You know, or vice versa.
Or vice versa.
And so I think if you're on that Greyhound bus, you've got to get in.
Sometimes where you don't fit in.
Because you've got to get to where you're going.
You know, sometimes the means justify the end.
You know?
Or the end justifies the means.
I don't know what it is, bro.
I might be metaphorically dyslexic.
But, but that's real, man.
And I respect it, dude.
You were out there and you stayed the course and you got done what you had to
do.
And you got where you had to go.
And you caught an experience.
And that's the thing.
You know, I'd be on the Greyhound sometimes.
And if them boys start hitting on me, them sugar boys, I'll let them hit.
I'll stand in the batter's box, okay?
If they're hitting on me, I'll stand in the batter's box.
Because the last thing I want is to get laced up on some kind of drug.
And the next thing you know, I'm at some, you know, bus stop looking at artwork.
And I get banged up by a couple of dudes I don't know.
You know?
And that's the kind of stuff that happens.
Sometimes you have to fit in.
You have to get in where you don't fit in.
You know?
And so I applaud you, man.
You know, obviously, you know, the smoke and the meth, not a good idea.
It doesn't sound like you're on it.
You know?
And I would, I'd hope that you're not.
But, you know, it doesn't sound like you had a pound and a half of weed.
And, you know, just some meth showed up.
So you opted for that.
But whatever.
You fit in where you had to fit in.
Because it probably would have been scary as hell sleeping all night next to
the old dude.
And you don't know what he's thinking about.
Because one out of 70 people on the Greyhound just got out of prison, dude.
Prison.
I'm not talking about, you know, down the street lockup.
I'm talking about one of these prisons that pick you, they pick them up in a
rural town.
And then they're on the bus.
Some of the first people they ever see are on a Greyhound bus.
You know?
I mean, I think every Greyhound bus should have to pull in to wherever they
produce the show Forensic Files and get tested.
Because we could solve half of the nation's murders right there.
Thank you for going hound.