Name: 9-4-17: Labor Day, What's in the Bag, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #40
Uploaded: 2017-09-05T02:29:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '9-4-17: Labor Day, What's in the Bag, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #40' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '9-4-17: Labor Day, What's in the Bag, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #40' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-05. Transcript available.

9-4-17: Labor Day, What's in the Bag, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #40

This past weekend
And we got
Let's go
Hello
It's Monday
It's Monday
You little Chinese bomb pops
It's hot as hell
And it's wet as hell
Still out there for a lot of people
So let's take you out of that for a little bit
Come with me for a little bit
Come sit on daddy's knee
Come sit on daddy's
Dusty
Ashy knee
And listen to the sounds of this
This old dirt snake
Come listen to the slither
Of this old dirt snake
As I go
Just slipping through the dirt
Thank you guys for joining me
It's Monday
September 4th
It's Monday September 4th
It's Labor Day
It's Labor Day
And
And we're here
We're here
We made it
We made it to another Monday
Congratulations to you
I spilled coffee all over this desk
So
I got my elbows in coffee
You know
Maybe I'll start to tan my skin
Maybe my skin will get a little bit tanned
I'll be able to get a roll
Out here in Los Angeles
Tough time out here for a white guy
Tough time out here for a white guy
Good to be here this morning
Thank you guys for joining me
On this past weekend
What happened this past weekend?
I'll tell you this
I'll tell you this dude
What happened this past week
Is I was doing some manscaping last week
I had an audition
I had an audition
Going in
Audition for a film
For a lead role
And I decided to do a little manscaping
Because I'm the kind of guy who
I'm good
You know
I'll be on task a little bit
And then I'll get to
You know
I'll have 40 minutes to get where I'm going
I'll jump in the shower
Be out in 7 minutes
But then I'll be standing there
In front of the mirror
And instead of just getting ready
I'll see like
You know
Sometimes you see on your
Either on your eyebrows
Or on your
Around your crotch
You see like a long hair
You know
One of them long
Exterraneous hairs
You know
It's kind of like
If you've ever seen a picture of like
A private school basketball team
In like the 6th grade
It's all white kids
And you have that one
Tall long black kid
That's on the team
And that's like that hair
You will see
You'll see just that one
That's
One of these is not like the others
You know
And not in color
I'm just talking about in length
And so I saw one of those
I was like
Oh I'm going to clip this thing up
You know
Daddy got a pair of
Daddy got a pair of
Organized sharp swords here
Scissors
And I'm going to clip this thing down
I'm going to take control
I'm going to show this
Young follicle down here
By my
Wiener and everything
Who's boss
And I clipped it
And
I just kind of wasn't paying attention
I guess enough
And I clipped a little bit
And it's going to sound vulgar
And it's
It's not going to get any more graphic than this
But I clipped into my scrotum
And I'm a scrot
And they do call it scrot
And I've played it in Scrabble
Before as scrot
And
And I clipped into my scrotum
With these
You know
Little
Clippers
These scissors
And man
You don't think
You have a lot
You think
You kind of don't know
What's in your scrotum
Let's be honest
A lot of times
You know
People say
Oh my nuts
But there's a lot of stuff
Going on in there
If you really ever
Spend some time
With your scrotum
And a lot of you guys
Probably don't
You know
A lot of you guys
Are just running around
Just kind of
Not 100% sure
What's in your nut bag
I don't do that
You know
I'm not like that
I know what's in my nut sack
You got them
You got the kind of
The veinage
A little bit of those
Kind of
Feels like your nuts
Each are wearing
These kind of soft
Kind of hats
You got some nut fat
Some fat around your nuts
Light
Kind of thing of fat
Around each nut
And
You got some other stuff
In there
I think you got the
Vast deferens
Whatever those are
That could also be
That could also be
A British rock band
But
But anyway
You also have
A good bit of
Of
You got some
You know
Some blood in there
And this thing started
It was pretty much
Leaking out
And I had to be
At this audition
And I'm not going
To get real graphic
And I'm sorry
I have out of the gate
But I just have to
Tell you what happened
So
I
Am alarmed
I put a napkin on it
Hard pressed that napkin
And
I got a chip clip
You know those chip clips
You used to close up
A bag of chips
Sometimes you get some chips
You get your hand
In a bag of chips
You open a bag of chips
You don't want them all
You know
Now some people
Open a big bag of chips
Eat them all
And don't realize
That they even have
Chip clips in the world
That chip clips exist
But if you
If you're still doing that
I've got to
I've got to tell you something
That they have a chip clip
And that's for if you
Don't want to eat
An entire big bag of chips
Because you shouldn't
You know those days
Are long gone
I feel like
Health wise
So I hit this chip clip
Put it on
Basically on my scrot
With this napkin
And I hightailed it out
To the audition
Got into the audition
And I had to tell them
Right when I got there
I was running late
I'm sweating
I'm nervous
I had to tell them
You know
Because first of all
I go in there
I'm worried that
If
Any
Kind of red coloring
Starts to show up
On my pants
You know
If I'm
You know
Kind of having a little bit of
You know
I don't want to be graphic here
But if
If I'm having a little bit of
Some iron drip
If you will
Because the blood has iron in it
If I'm
You know
Sprinkling
Platelets out of my pants a little
That they are going to
Get scared
Or they're going to think
That I have a menstrual cycle
Which is okay
I guess these days
It's okay
If a man has a menstrual cycle
I mean
Hell
I know some real bitches out there
You know
I know some fellas
That's really running around
As some real biatchas
Especially out here
In Los Angeles
You know
But
But I don't think
To the point where
They expect a man
To just be surprising
People with this
You know
A surprise menstrual cycle
So anyhow
I had the chip clip
Chip clip on
Did the audition
And that was
That was a hectic day
So then I was laid up
I was laid up
For about two days
And I started getting depressed
And you know
When you can't be active
Depression
That's when it finds you
You know
Because depression
Is like a
Depression is like
It's kind of like
It's a bit like
I want to say
A mosquito
Because mosquitoes
They kind of hang around
They mill around
But then when you
Don't expect it
That's when a mosquito
Come and get you
What is that?
Oh that's a mosquito
And that's when
They come and get you
When you don't expect it
You know
What is that?
Oh that's a mosquito
Were you expecting it?
No I wasn't
You know
And that's when mosquitoes
Come get you
And that's how depression is man
And if I lay around
I get too stagnant
That's when depression
Starts for me
And
And I started getting depressed man
For a whole day
I laid in bed
You know
Tending to my bag
You know
My nutsack
And making sure everything
Was you know
Cavalier down there
And it was
It was alarming man
That is an alarming time
Because
That's where your body
Is holding your future
Your next level
The next level of you
Your reincarnate
Is housed in that bag
So some people think
You're walking around
Just with your nuts
No you're walking around
With your family
With your son
With your daughter
Twins maybe
Or transgender person
All of that is in your nuts
I mean
It's striking to believe
But that's all in your nuts
Right now
I mean it's crazy to think
That right now
If your nuts make probably
And this is a fact
I think your nuts make
200 million sperm a day
You gotta figure
Six million of those sperm
Are probably transgender
So everyone
Right now
Every man running around
Has probably about
Six million transgender sperm
Right now
Between their legs
Six million TGs
Right between their legs
Right now
So
It's just kind of interesting
To think about it that way
But yeah man
I had to tend to myself
I had to put salve on them
I had a couple cans
Of good salve in there
And I just started
Putting that salve on
And then put some gauze
And I put a sock
Around my bag
And I just socked up my bag
And you had to take care
Of yourself like that
It was really old school
Kind of
I had to take care
Of my body
You know
Because that's my future
That's my future
But I'm wearing a golf shirt
I have on a golf shirt today
If you're on the YouTube
You can see it
I have a golf shirt on
I don't play a lot of golf
I think I could though
I see men play it
You know
I see sometimes
I've been invited to
Some of these fancier
Get togethers
Where these fellas
Are out there doing golf
You know
And it's everybody
Dresses a little bit
It almost looks
Everybody dresses
Like they're adults
That are going to
Maybe be looking
For Easter eggs
You know
And everybody's like
Trying to be friendly
And have beers
And stuff
But also everybody's
Thinking about
Maybe banging
Each other's wives
Or making love
To each other's wives
But it looks fun
Sometimes
I've played a few games
Almost killed
A famous golf designer
A famous golf course designer
One time
What was his name
Di?
I thought his last name
Was die
And that's not a joke
I thought his last name
Was actually die
Anyhow
So I got a little
Depressed man
I got depressed
Because I laid in bed
I started watching
Episodes of Disappeared
When I get depressed
I start to notice
What do I do?
Because then I can tell
If I'm depressed
Sometimes I can't even tell
So what do I do
When I'm depressed?
I watch shows
About disappeared people
People that are missing
And Disappeared
Is a show
Where in the beginning
Somebody's missing
And at the end
Somebody's still missing
Knock knock
Who's there?
Not this person
Somebody's still missing
And that's
And I guess
There's something in that
That at least
At least I know
Where I am
You know
At least I'm better off
Than this person
That is missing
At least I know
Where I am
You know
And that makes me feel
Pretty good I guess
You know
At least it's one thing
At that low level
Of where I'm feeling
Makes me feel
Still kind of okay
So what else man
What else dude
Yeah I just had
You know
I got a little bummed out
What else is going on
In the news
North Korea
People talking about
North Korea
Here's what I have to say
About North Korea
First of all
Bring it on
If you want some of it
We got some of it
Okay
Oh what's this over here
This is some of it
And if you want some of it
We got some of it
Because here's the thing
We've already beaten
You guys before
Okay
I can hit up
About 720
Senior citizen facilities
And I got about
Probably
Thousands and hundreds
Of thousands
Of senior men in there
Who would happily
Go round too
Okay
Who were out there
In the Korean War
Who were out there
Getting dirty
Under Mr. Truman
Who not afraid
To get back out
In the sand
All right
I got about
Probably
725,000
Senior citizens
About ready
To put guns
On their walkers
And sacrifice
Themselves
And get out there
And go at it
One more time
So I'm sorry
To get fired up
But
I'm also tired
Of being scared
About North Korea
North Korea
Is not going to do
Anything to America
Or I don't think
To anyone
Because they
Have everything
To lose
They're happy
Right now
They're North Korea
Nobody knows
What they're doing
They're up there
Playing games
You know
I read an article
One time
That they were
Doing human
Whack-a-mole
That the big
You know
The Pied Piper
Up there
King
King
Jung
Ken
Kim Jong
Is doing
The
He does
Human whack-a-mole
Where he had
A whack-a-mole
Thing built
He'll have
Human Koreans
Dress up
In mole outfits
Scoot around
Pop up
Out of the holes
And he hits
Them with a big
Deal
You know
A big mallet
Is that
Fucked up
Yeah it is
Dude
Is that also
Awesome as fuck
Yes it is as well
Two things
You know
But I'm not scared
Of North Korea
I'm not scared
Of North Korea
Dude
But I've had a week
Man
I've had a weekend
You know
I'm going through
Some emotional stuff
You know
I had to meet up
With a man this week
In the park
To talk
To talk
With him
You know
I'm in therapy
Okay
I'll say it
I'm in therapy
I'm not ashamed
About being in therapy
I'm trying to get
To the bottom
Of my brain
Some of y'all
Sitting out here
Milling around
The top of your brain
Like little brain babies
Well guess what
I'm a brain daddy
I'm down in the bottom
Of my brain
Looking
For myself
So yes
I 