Name: Theo Von - Pizza and Pedis
Uploaded: 2017-09-09T16:07:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - Pizza and Pedis' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - Pizza and Pedis' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-09. Transcript available.

Another news piece, Pizzagate, if you guys are familiar, but Pizzagate is
basically Italian food and child molestation have joined forces in Washington,
D.C., I believe it is.
And it's something where there's, you know, politicos and fancy pants people
getting together in the middle of the night to do child molestation at a pizza
place.
And that seems to me like bullshit.
I'm going to have to go ahead and throw that out there because, I mean, I've
spent a lot of time around Italians and they are, I mean, they kiss, you know,
they'll kiss you on the neck.
The men will kiss you on the neck sometimes if you're at the racetrack.
I'll see them sometimes kissing each other if their horses win and getting
excited and, you know, they eat for a long time and look at each other in the
eyes and stuff and drink wine.
And I get what's going on.
You know, they're real loving, but I don't think that's going to lead to them
loving a child so much that they're molesters.
So that's why that whole story to me just seems like a bag of cat's bottoms,
you know, if you really look at that.
If you want to find some child molesters, dude, go to a poor neighborhood.
You know, I think, I think your interests are better looking around there.
I mean, in a lot of wealthy neighborhoods, they have these HOA programs or
these HOA groups, which are homeowners association that can make rules about
who can live in the neighborhood and who cannot.
So a lot of fancy neighborhoods can keep pediophiles out.
So pediophiles, they're stuck at the gates, you know, and unless they got long
arms, they're not going to be able to reach the children, you know, of the rich.
But now I grew up in a poor neighborhood, you know, and I'm, you know, I'm not
trying to say that that's anything special or that I'm better than anybody
because of that.
But we had surely some couple touchers by us, you know, and we used to play
kickball with two, two adult touchers.
These men, I'll tell you this, they had a law in Louisiana.
That's where I'm from.
They had a law there in Louisiana, and that's one of the big 50 states and
where if you were a registered sex offender, that means you were, you know,
part of the union, I guess.
And that you had to go door to door and knock on the door and tell the people
in the home in your neighborhood, you had to go door to door in your
neighborhood and let people know that you are a pediophile, right?
Well, in our neighborhood, it was all single parent families, you know, and
half the parents worked.
So us kids, we were home alone all the time.
So you'd have these touchers coming to the door, knocking and saying, I have to
let you know that I'm a registered sex offender.
Is your mother home?
And we'd be like, we were children.
We're like, she's not home right now, which is baffling in hindsight because
then you got a pedophile standing right there with his desserts, really.
And that was a law in Louisiana, and that was a law in Louisiana that you had
to do that.
Thankfully, once you know who the pedophiles are, you, the game changes, you
know.
A lot of, you know, these, you know, these pedophiles and touchers, they, they,
it's when you don't know who they are that they can practice their art, you
know.
But so we knew, I mean, we used to play kickball with these two guys, Mr.
Daniel.
I don't remember the other guy's name.
He was kind of, kind of swampy looking, didn't really take care of himself.
But we'd play kickball with them.
And Mr. Daniel, this one dude was, he was combing his hair all the time.
I mean, he just, he'd comb his hair nine times in a minute.
You know, like he was just, like, like he was just trying to just comb the,
comb the darkness right out of his soul.
Like he just wanted to comb the touching out of himself, you know, or like he
would look handsome enough that he wouldn't be a, you know, a pedophile anymore.
I felt bad for him sometimes.
And then this other guy who didn't ever comb his hair, the irony, but we played
kickball with him.
And once we knew that they were, you know, what, what they, some of their
hobbies were, it took a lot of their power away.
You know, we'd fuck with him and, you know, roll the ball, man.
You ain't getting this ass, bro.
Roll the ball.
You know, and, you know, it really, it almost put you on a level playing field
once you knew who they were.
So I guess there was some value in them going door to door.
Because then you put, you know, you put a name and a face with the dark arts
that they had inside of them.
So, but yeah, you want to find some kitty touchers.
I don't think you need to mill around, you know, a Papa John's out there in
Washington, D.C.
Why don't you come on down to Covington, Louisiana and get out there off of,
off of McGee Street where I grew up.
And I bet you they still got a couple of, a couple of wild tender gents out
there trying to be fancy with the young, you know.