Name: 9-18-17: Surprise Guest, Cleveland, Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #42
Uploaded: 2017-09-19T04:49:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '9-18-17: Surprise Guest, Cleveland, Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #42' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '9-18-17: Surprise Guest, Cleveland, Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #42' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-19. Transcript available.

9-18-17: Surprise Guest, Cleveland, Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #42

yes
man
celebrate
it's monday weekend is over another batch of beautiful hell
headed right up your face or butt actually probably i'm just thinking face i
don't know why i said
but man i'm just i'm just being kooky i'm being kooky i'm being kooky what the
fuck i guess i'm
i'm being kooky what age am i if i'm being kooky you know like there's no you're
not cool no cool
guys being kooky you know so i'm just whatever i'm whatever i'm the same thing
you are i'm whatever
uh good to be here with you guys today it is monday september 18th and welcome
to this past
weekend the emmys are on if you got to watch the emmys i think for some people
it's probably a nice
respite for people that have really been struggling and um you know stuck in
the storms and had their
you know their homes ravaged and lost a lot uh i i bet it was actually kind of
nice for some people
to relax and just you know have their their mind taken away by by the award
show uh i i didn't watch
i don't really to me it's it does seem a bit much to see you know a bunch of
well-to-do people
uh rewarding themselves or awarding themselves um i feel like we're at a time
when there are kind of
bigger heroes in the world and in america than uh people who are good at acting
or good at pretending
i feel like we're in a time where we you know we're i don't we're in a time
what the fuck am i even
saying but i feel like i i'd rather see people being real you know i'd rather
see awards for people being
real than people pretending because it seems like it's harder and harder to
find
realness these days to find something that kind of that feels authentic that
feels like it's not produced
and that's why uh i don't i just don't need don't need the emmys this year for
me uh you know
i do miss some of those old days of those crazy award shows though um and maybe
i need to get back
into them but no emmys for me right now um i feel like i'd rather watch uh
something else
i just got back from cleveland and their baseball team had won 21 straight
games when i rolled into town
the cleveland indians uh named after i'm guessing native americans
and while i was there they lost so sorry cleveland but i had a good time uh i
had a great time there
actually spent some just just quality time with some locals dude saw somebody
get maced
it was started like a fun thing a couple of kind of thicker girls um and i
think the mace was like
kind of that rapey that you know that rape prevention mace that you know that
rpm if you will and then
you know these bitches got wild you know these bitches got a little bit british
on each other
and they started you know kind of attacking each other one of them had like a
shawl it was some
special event i think uh you know uh i don't know if it was a wedding or
somebody had like a fifth
child or something i don't know what you know when you get the shawl if it's a
parenting thing as well
as a marriage bachelorette thing but uh shit got crispy and then bitches
started macing each other
and i don't use the term bitches towards all women but these were in the
beginning there were ladies
and by the end you know they were i mean they were out there on cobblestones
barefoot rolling around
a lot of dirty sequins in the streets you know um not athletes either i'm gonna
go ahead and classify
these ladies as not athletes but that was part of cleveland man there was a lot
more had some good
times there ate some good corned beef uh shout out to my buddy tom mccroby he
came through we lost a
limb last year so it was good to see him uh last time i saw him he had two
limbs and this time one limb
and arms i mean he had other two limbs legs and he still has those so it's
interesting when you say when
you have a friend who goes down a limb because you kind of as a person who
still has all their limbs
i have i got everything right now you kind of don't know how to approach it so
you show up sort of
you know like especially if it's an arm it's like do i hug do i you know touch
him on the neck like what
do i do you know you know what do i do but it was pretty beautiful man he had
had um an amputation and
then he got part of his he got the limb burned up because some people think you
can only get
cremated if you're dead but not true if you lose a limb you can also get the
limb cremated
and it was pretty beautiful that he had um a key chain with like one of those
little i don't know if
it's like a corona bottle you get it to be like a uh like a if you go down to
dest in florida or
you know um punta caña or somewhere one of those beach towns and you can get
those little things with
the sand in them those corona bottles but he had that with a little bit of his
um of what what
originally was his other appendage so that was you know it was new it was kind
of novel i guess and
it was i think him making the most out of being you know down to one slapstick
you know and that's
where he's at so good to see him man good to see him what else happened in cleveland
it was
i stayed at this beautiful hotel called the arcade i worked at hilarities uh we
had um you saw some
ginormous uh tits met a dude um who uh was um kind of crippled a little bit had
the worst breath
you know what i'm saying here's what i'm saying if you're gonna be crippled
brush your teeth that's one
of my things right because here's the thing we all are crippled in some way
right so i guess this goes
for all of us we got to take care of what we have left and that's what i think
maybe is going to be
some of the theme today is just taking care of what we have left you know you're
down a limb brush your
teeth man you're down a you got spina bifida wash behind your ears you know i've
got mental health
disorders and sentimental health disorders and you know uh you know my dick
gets a little bit queasy
sometimes when i'm trying to do sex you know then that means i got to make sure
that i comb my hair
and wash it you know it's like we got to take care of what we have left you
know we got to covet those
things um and that goes back to my boy tommy mack who's sure he has only got
one arm but
but that other arm's always with him you know and he's taking a little bit of
piece of that
in a commercialized kind of corona bottle i wish that the corona thing wasn't
on there and if he's
listening to this maybe you you know file that off of the bottle i think it's a
little bit cooler
if it doesn't seem like you know my old arm is brought to you by you know uh a
mexican beer
anyhow uh i'm happy to have you guys and i want to thank everybody in cleveland
that came out
uh my buddy kevin best who makes all my shirts uh he makes all of the ham
shirts and uh some new
shirts we got a new shirt that's coming out that's going to have all of the uh
tour dates on it
that'll be online soon and he uh and he and his whole family came through and
just uh always a
a pleasure to see them and his brother actually lives in his basement and makes
the shirts so his
brother you know enjoys a good bit of uh whiskey and different sippers and he
lives down in his
basement and that man makes the shirt so you know if you're getting a shirt
from me that that shirt is
made by the hands of a man who's living in a basement running off alcohol and
there's something
old-fashioned about that and there's something beautiful about that while i was
in cleveland i
also went over to akron and people know that you know i'm a sober guy and i
went to this guy dr bob's
house and dr bob is was uh incremental in the starting of alcoholics anonymous
and he and his wife almost
ran this sort of halfway house where they helped i mean tons of people uh get
sober and get their life
on track and they the the house is like a national monument now so it's just i
mean it was really
touching for me to go in there and this lady um i won't say her name because
you're not supposed to
say people's names but uh she is just a volunteer there and she just kind of
shares her story with you
and she shows you all around this guy's house where he was hiding liquor dr bob
and uh it was just
incredible i mean that was just an incredible time for me to be uh just to be
in that environment and
just really inspired me to kind of stay on the path that i'm on uh at the
moment with you know
staying off that liquor and staying off of that cocaine baby that dust you know
because people's
out there on it and if you're struggling out there and if you get a chance to
go to akron uh to get to
just feel that just that i mean it's just a beautiful it's just a beautiful
fire that's it's just it's not even a real fire but
it's just the air is just burning with just this energy that's i mean it just
it just lifts your
fucking makes your feet grow i mean you just feel like you're standing just the
foundation
of something special is right there beneath your feet so that was really
amazing to be a part of
and to get to see that and i also have an announcement that we have a sidekick
in studio
today uh he's going to be doing a residency with this here for a while and i
appreciate him being
here uh my man ari manis is here thanks for having me theo this is very
exciting yeah thank you so
much man i'm a big fan of ari and his comedy he's a comedian how long you've
been doing it almost five
years now yeah yeah religiously yeah i don't think i've taken a week off really
yeah i feel too guilty
too in my head about it what's the longest you've ever taken off i guess a week
yeah i don't know if
it's an addiction sometimes to keep doing it at this point it's the job you
know yeah uh and you won't
be able to see ari on the youtube you'll be able to see him next week today we're
not going to show his
beautiful mugs yeah i don't feel comfortable i've been gone for the weekend i
feel a little sunburnt
yeah i'm just a little self-conscious about i have body image issues that's
fine but i'm i'll be ready
next week what gets you about your body like when you think about body image
issues like i'm not fat
right but i don't want to take my shirt off either yeah you know if we went to
the the beach with
some ladies yeah i'd probably just leave my shirt on and sit by the towel in
the sand you're the lean
guy with his shirt on at the beach yeah oh that's an interesting i got i got
some moles yeah yeah you
have any moles body moles you know i've been pretty fortunate to not have a lot
of those body moles
yeah i've got a few of them removed from when i was a kid my parents would take
me to dermatologist
and i'd get them surgically removed but now i can't really afford to go there
myself or i could
probably afford it but i just you know i have other priorities where i want to
put my money into
besides getting moles removed yeah i just let them let them go well some people
it almost seems like
you see some people out there with some really big moles or groups of moles you
know you see some
people with some damn you know i met a girl one time had practically the little
dipper on her back you
know and you see people with these sequences of moles and you wonder what the
why do they don't want to
remove them but i guess it's part of you you know and some people believe in
ancient
cultures that you carry different parts of your spirit in these little pockets
on your body in
these moles yeah yeah it is part of me yeah for sure but maybe one day so i
could imagine that now
if they get too big they say if they get bigger than a dime you got to cut them
off and one time
i got uh spent some time around an escort and she had a were you paying for
this no it was a sort of
a it was kind of an arrangement but i didn't get involved with the escort but
she had a mole that was
oh man it was mount rush mole i mean this thing was huge dude this thing was a
damn
i mean in another life it had had a grandiose life you know do you think she
had some clients
that maybe paid a little extra to be with that that birthmark i could see some
i could see people
being into that maybe maybe some asian guys or japanese businessmen yeah but i
don