Name: Hair Pyramid Scheme, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #43
Uploaded: 2017-09-26T06:07:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hair Pyramid Scheme, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #43' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hair Pyramid Scheme, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #43' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-09-26. Transcript available.

Hair Pyramid Scheme, Takes Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #43

This past weekend
Alright, check, check
Got me
There we go
Happy Monday
Celebrate living
Celebrate misery
You know that soon we're gonna die
Let's have some fun while we all die
Alright
Alright, it's Monday, September 25th of the year 2017
And some people want to say that it's not autumn
Okay, but it's autumn, it's fall
You know, this is winter's little mixed baby
You know, this is winter's little mixed baby
And this thing is nibbling at our nipples
I went outside yesterday
And I could feel Mother Nature being naughty
I could feel her licking at the ends of my limbs
At my elbows and my lips
I could feel that naughty little bitch tickling my whiskers
You know what I'm talking about
And that is autumn coming
That is Mother Nature showing off her fanciness
You know, she wanna
She's hanging all her clothes out to dry
You know, the party's over
The skinny dipping
And the, you know, the swimming
And the drinking lemonade
And the summertime activities are over
And Mother Nature's about to shake them leaves off
And you could even hear birds being like
Hey motherfucker
It's about to get cold
And you see little birds that could be
That might not even make it through the winter
You see them trying to couple up with bigger birds
Bigger birds that are gonna be able to take care of them
You know, you'll see a sparrow trying to fuck a goose
Or you will see a, you know, you will see a
Even a hummingbird, you know, trying to
Trying to, you know, get in a little bit of
Trying to get into some doggy style with a, with a raven
You will see things like that
Because some of these smaller animals know that winter's coming
And that's all that's going on
Thank you guys for joining me
Oh man, I'm excited
I'm excited about this show today
We had a lot of, we had
Look, I had a sidekick on last week, right?
A lot of you listeners weren't happy about it
I understand
And he'll be back
He's gonna pop back in later on today
We're gonna try it in a little bit of a new facet
He's not here now
So that's gonna be good
We have, we're gonna get into some other stuff
Oh, I gotta tell you what happened to me
I got hair
Hair rejuvenation surgery
Hair rejuvenation surgery in my head
With my own hair
And what it is, is they take part of your hair
Out of the back of your head
And look
I got enough hair for everybody
If you got a bald child out there or something
You know, dude, I could
Dude, I could
I could put, I could make wigs for half of a St. Jude's commercial
I got enough hair coming off the back
And so
I, um
A buddy of mine introduced me to this dude a while back
This doctor out here
And next thing you know
You know, I'm in there talking to him
And he's like, look, you should get the surgery
You should get the procedure
And I love surgery
I've always loved surgery
Since I was young
When I was young
I had
A very small
Wiener
Basically a wiener hole
A hole
The hole in your wiener
Urethra
Or urethra
It's one of them
One of them's also a singer
I don't know who it is
One of them's a
I think a
African-American
Meso-sopranist
But the urethra
Or the urethra
My hole
Basically
On the
On my wiener
Was too
Small
So when I would pee
I was peeing
I mean, I could pee it
Dude, I could pee almost maybe 45 feet
It was
Dumbfounding the distance
That I could urinate
And so when I urinated
I would piss big on apple juice too
If I had apple juice
Dude, I was basically a water gun
You know, I remember my brother would carry
I'd drink a bunch of apple juice
And my brother would carry me around
And I would basically just piss at my sisters
You know, because I was just like a weapon
And
But it became a strain on my body
It became like painful
And so they had to take me into the surgery area
And they had to cut
You know, recavernate
I guess
Recavernate
My
My penis hole
And so
And I don't know what the exact procedure is on that
I would look it up
But I don't
You know, I don't want to get into my computer
I want to stay in my brain
So that's what I would do, man
I got that
You know, I got that done when I was young
And
And then I swallowed all them quarters
They had to get the quarters out of me
I
Had a spine surgery a while back
May or may not have needed
You know
But something about surgery
And something about procedures
I think it's just the care
Something when you're in there
You know, when you wake up
And suddenly there's people around
And they want to know if you need anything
And I think when I was young
I just wanted that care
I wanted somebody to feel
You know, local
You know, and they come in
It just seems like
You know, there's a couple people in the room
You feel cared for
And that's what I liked about it
And so I went in, man
And people are like
Dude, you don't need hair surgery
You don't need any hair transplantation
You're right
You're right, I don't need it
But
You know
I don't know if that's part of my
You know
I don't feel like I have an addiction to surgeries
I don't
I like them
I like proceed
I like the
You know, the rigmarole
The signing in
And then you're waiting
And then everybody's wearing the same outfits
Because they're the same uniforms
Because of
You know, you're in a
Medical facility
Everybody has on the
You know, the little shoe
They put these little
Like shower caps on your shoes
And you
Everybody wears the
You know
Same color stuff
Because they're doing a procedure
And next thing you know
I'm getting
I'm getting the hair taken out of the back of my head
Put it in the front of my head
So
That's what happened, man
I'm gonna take you through that
I'm gonna take you through that
I'll just take you through it right now
We're gonna talk about the
The kneeling in the NFL a little bit
And then
I'm gonna have
Ari
Ari Manis is gonna be back here
And
We are going to
Have him read some of the comments
That people had to say about him
And
I just want to kind of feel that out with him
You know
I did commit to
Giving things a shot with him for a little bit
But I do realize that
Listeners want it to be just me and them as well
So
I'm not
Bailing on
Having Ari in
But I'm not
Committing to it yet
Fully either
So
We're just gonna feel that out
And that's life
Sometimes you just have to feel things out
So anyhow
Let me tell you about this hair procedure
So I had a friend that got hair
And I'd never even met this friend before
This was a new friend
So this was an
Inaugural
Inaugural friend
And I said to him
I said man you got good hair
And he goes
Well I'll tell you this
He said you see the hair on the front of my head
I said yep
He goes
Usually you can't see that hair
Unless you're standing behind me
And I'm thinking that
I don't know what I'm thinking
Maybe this
This kid was raised in a
Fun house
His daddy's a magician
You know
I don't know what I'm thinking
You know
Maybe he thinks he's got
Maybe he's on acid
I don't know
But he ended up telling me
That he got hair taken out of the back of his head
Put into the front of his head
And it just blew my mind
Because it looked normal
You couldn't tell anything
So
Anyway
Fast forward two years
I'm in the guy's office the other day
And he's like
Let's get it
And I'm like
Alright
Let's do it
So I got the hair
And you sit down
You go in there
And first they run like a little bit of a woman's vibrator along your scalp
And it looks like a little vibrator
Almost for a
And this
I'm not trying to be profane
But like a baby
If a baby
Was being sensual
A female baby
By themselves
And was using like a little vibrator thing
This is maybe the thing that they would use
And I'm not envisioning that while I'm saying it
If you're envisioning that
I don't recommend that
But I'm just telling you
Kind of what this little thing looked like
And he injects this stuff
Into the front of your head
And then
He
Does the vibrator right over it
So that it kind of like
Just alleviates a little bit of the pain
So they shoot you up in that forehead
Dude
So my head was doused up
You know
I'm sober
But my freaking
Boy my hairline was straight up drunk
Driving son
You know
I'm surprised
I didn't wake up in a
You know
In another hairline's bed
You feel me
Between the sheets
With another
Stranger hairline
So
I got the
They put the injections in
And then next thing you know
Oh they make you take two Xanaxes
You're taking Xanax in the beginning
I don't
I never
I've never been into pills
I've never been into prescription pills
Or anything like that
And people used to eat Xanaxes
And then their faces would get real skinny
And then they would have to leave town
And get better
I remember that from growing up
But
Next thing you know
I'm a little bit woozy
And they turn me over
Oh no
First the doctor comes with this little tool
And he starts just pushing it into your head
Right
And
And they start pushing it in your head
And literally you can hear your head crunching
But you can't feel it
It's
Is it awesome?
It sounds like
Your brain is eating
Special K
Or Frosted Flakes
Like something like that
It sounds like your brain is eating cereal
You know
And just the first few bites
Because it's crunchy
You just keep hearing this crunch
Right
This crunch
So this guy just keeps crunching me up
Crunching me up
Crunching me up
So I'm getting straight crunched up by another man
And I've never really been involved in anything heavily homoerotic
But
But when you've had a man
And this was a beautiful man
I think maybe from Egypt
Or another country
When you've had a beautiful man like that
Just put
500
600
Little bitty holes
In your scalp
I don't
I mean that must count for beyond
Sex
That's after
I mean that's
Because sex is one time
You know
That's one hole
Fill
You're in
You're out
You know
You're swapping numbers
Who knows
You're behind the Shonies
Who knows what's going on
But with this man
With this little tool
You know
He was getting full bore inside of me
So
I got all these little holes
Then they turn you over
They flip you over
Bro
It's like you're an egg
You know
It's like you're
It's like you're
A piece of breakfast
And this goes back to that
Care and stuff that I like
You know
This is what I like about all of that
Is that you get cared for
And that's it man
They flip you over
And then they got two shorties in there
Right
A couple of
Straight up just
Follicle jockeys
Right
These ladies
Show up with this little clipper
You know
And they just shave a little part
Into the back of your head
You cannot even
Like if you're standing behind me right now
You have no idea
So they shave a little part in there
And then
I don't know what happens
Because the Xanax took over
So I passed out
I wake up
They'd ordered
Everybody Chinese food
No clue how long I've been out
But next thing you know
I'm jacked up on
Sweet and sour chicken
I'm feeling fired up
Everybody's friends
You know
Kind of flirting with the lady
The girl that worked at the front
A little bit
You know
I think she was
You know
She had a kid
But she was
You know
Doing her best
She was trying to go back to school
I think
I don't know
And
Next thing you know
They got me flipped back over
My body's digesting Chinese food
Everybody has Chinese food
In their systems
And
And they're putting
These two
The two
These two hair babies
Are
Putting the follicles in
They're replanting
You know
They're out there
So suddenly
I'm a sharecropper
I'm sharecropping for the
For my
Basically got my mullet
Put into the front
And if you
And so
People can say anything about this
Certain styles of hair
You know
And people say
Theo
Why do you have the haircut you have
And I say
Well
For me
This is the underdog cut
You know
I look like shit
And I know that
And that's fine
So let's take my looks
Out of the equation
Okay
So let's be
What else are we
Who else are we
But when I got a little bit
Of that mullet now
In the front
You know I'm coming
Something
Fierce
I'm coming out of the jungle
If I commit a crime
They're like
Who did it
Oh I don't know
A man
That had
Magic
Growing out the
Fucking front of his head
That's who
Man if you saw
A police artist
Sketch of me
It better look like
A dang
Just
Like a
Thunderca