Name: 10-2-17: Happy October, Goblins, Knee Jerk Reactions | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #44
Uploaded: 2017-10-03T03:49:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '10-2-17: Happy October, Goblins, Knee Jerk Reactions | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #44' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '10-2-17: Happy October, Goblins, Knee Jerk Reactions | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #44' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-03. Transcript available.

10-2-17: Happy October, Goblins, Knee Jerk Reactions | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #44

okay
I know some of you guys are tired of the intro music
well if you are just listen to it again
Celebrate living
Celebrate misery
You know that you were gonna die
Let's have some fun while we all die
in the live category we're checking that live box if somebody passed you a note
right now and it said
do you live
yes or no you would check yes because you're alive sorry I know some of you
guys it's it's a it's a sentence almost you have to deal with
while some people seem to just be able to embrace it and just just be just just
joy just jumping out of their dang skin you know just like joy is just repelling
out of their armpits and just spelunking out of their nose you know constantly
and some people have that natural joy that's what I call that that natural joy
TNJ not to be confused with TMJ which is lock
lockjaw and lockjaw and lockjaw and lockjaw is something you could get it was
rabies little brother
because I grew up you know a lot of people know in the rabies built a lot of
rabies
a lot of lice body bugs you know
you know
we had one fellow was always scratching his neck and they would have to uh, you
know, put these almost make him like a mummy because he was scratching his neck
so much because he got the body bugs and people get different types of stuff,
you know, and that's one thing that he got.
You know, but TMJ was also it was I think something like lockjaw where you
couldn't eat for a while. It was like a diet, but one that you're basically
your central nervous system enforced a diet on you and you couldn't open your
mouth and that was something I remember my mother told me.
Be careful out there because you could get lockjaw and especially around this
time of year, you know, I find that October. Do you realize it's October? Do
you realize you can eat candy all month long and nobody can eat candy.
And nobody will judge you, you know, you could be at a funeral and break out a
snicker, you know, a baby snicker and nobody's gonna judge you heavily because
that's natural because it's that time, you know, you know, and nobody's gonna
judge you heavily because that's natural because it's that time, you know.
I mean, you could just, you know, you could crack open a pixie stick and bust a
couple of rails right up your snout, you know, like like frickin like like coca
luffagus, you know, like snort a luffagus, bro.
You could do a couple grams of great pixie powder and nobody's heavily gonna
judge you.
And that's because it's Halloween time and Halloween always feel as I mean, it's
the best.
I mean, you could dress up like a fucking ghost and go to Burger King tomorrow
and people will just think that, you know, you're just trying to get a head
start on the year.
I mean, we had a girl in our neighborhood that would go trick-or-treating year-round
and some people thought she was mentally challenged, you know, maybe had a
little speck of the tism on her.
Because I grew up in the tism belt as well and that's basically a lot of the
South and Midwest, tism is heavy, heavy out there.
You know, tism dips, drips heavy.
It drips heavy in the genetic caverns out there, you know, it just drips off
the ceiling and every now and then a drop catches somebody and they are, they
are, you know, they get caught up.
Their feelings and emotions and the way that they live their life gets caught
up and that's autism.
And everybody's got a little bit of it, you know, and I don't, I'm sure I had a
splash hit me on the back, you know, when I was going through the genetic caverns
into the universe.
And I got a touch, you know, because I'll see a lot of times autistic kids and
they flare up kind of when I come by a little.
You know, it's almost like if a dog hears something in the distance and I'm not
referring to autistic children as animals or autistic humans.
I'm not doing that at all.
But I'm saying that they'll have that same, you ever see like a dog, like if
you, if a dog is far away and you make a sound and the dog looks.
That's a lot of time what happened with me when I get around people that have
mental disabilities because they know that the thread in me is recently removed
from the quilt that they're made of, that I'm partisan, that I'm partisan to
whatever they got.
And I've always thought that I've always felt a little bit on the, people say
on the spectrum, but I say on the, I don't want to say on the rainbow, but I
say on the water slide of autism because it's a wild ride.
But happy October guys.
Happy October 1st.
I, um, oh wait, it's October 2nd.
It's October 2nd.
I'm recording this on October 1st.
I hope you had a good weekend.
You know, I hope, you know, people got into the football.
We got some people that called in about that, about some of the different kneeling,
um, a lot of the unique perspectives on it.
And so we're going to rifle through some of those in a little bit.
Uh, we got, uh, we got Ari Manis coming back in.
I know people hate him.
Uh, some people love him.
Uh, so we're just going to figure out, we got, we're going to try it again, a
little bit of a flow.
We can see how that goes.
And what else is going on in my world?
I mean, recently I've been, I'll give you a sensual update.
I am, uh, I'm in seven days of no masturbation.
And for me, that's good.
And so I'm feeling pretty hopeful about that.
One of my problems is a lot of times once I tell people I'm doing something, I
screw it up.
You know, like the second, like, you know, I'll say that to you guys and I'll
get excited.
I'll, I'll get caught up in my own hope.
And then it just, you know, it's like a, that creates a bad recipe inside of me
that then somehow I end up, you know, you know, looking at masturbation or
touching myself.
And I don't want to be doing that anymore.
I don't want to be touching myself.
Why?
Because I'm an adult, you know, and I've been touched.
Trust me, I've been touched enough by myself.
I've given myself enough easy access to my wiener and to my body.
And so I think it's time sometimes to start to cage myself up from myself and
have a little bit more respect for my seed.
What else?
Oh, I watch this show, Last Chance U.
I don't know if you've seen this, but I used to work over in Mississippi.
I worked on a farm over there for a couple of summers in a row, two, three
summers.
They're right on the, actually right on the Louisiana-Mississippi border.
And this, this show on Netflix, Last Chance U, is about mostly African-American
black boys that play football at a, at a school called Eastern Mississippi
Community College.
And it really kind of captures a little bit of that slow vibe that goes on in a
lot of small towns.
If you get a chance, man, I heavily recommend that.
It's a pretty good show.
This past weekend.
Yeah, that October, I remember when I was young, doing Halloween was always a
special time, you know.
I remember in high school eating mushrooms, you know, psychedelic mushrooms,
little trip snacks, brain, Mentos, basically Mentos for your soul.
I mean, you, you pop a couple, I mean, the first time we went to get some
mushrooms, I went with some kids who'd already gotten them before.
And so they were fired up.
And we went there, and I'd never seen as many mushrooms in my entire life, not
even at a grocery.
And we got, literally, we got probably half of a black, big black garbage bag
full of mushrooms.
And we took them to a party.
And at the party, people ate them.
We went inside the party, people ate them.
And about an hour later, there was probably maybe 40 people at the party.
An hour later, nobody was in the house, but everybody was still at the party.
People were lost in the woods.
People were trapped.
Some people were trapped behind the swimming pool, even though there was no way
to get trapped behind it because it was just a round pool.
People were playing hide-and-go-seek with themselves.
Two kids were in the bathroom and didn't know each other was in the bathroom.
I mean, people were, I mean, you could just hear people's souls just jerking
off in the distance.
You know, it was like, I mean, it was just like bison were just roaming through
people's souls for the first time.
And then Indians were showing up and hunting them.
And that's what was going on.
You could feel people shifting.
You could feel people shifting gears mentally and emotionally at the same time
when people were bent out on them mushrooms on that Halloween.
And then, now we had a lot of mushrooms.
So those went on for a few days and children were eating them.
And they, I remember dressing up like Where's Waldo.
And I got in a powdered sugar fight with a couple of people.
Who I didn't know.
Which is fun at first.
But anytime you're fighting with condiments, fun at first, violent at the end.
You know what I'm saying?
Crack open a packet of mustard on somebody.
It's cute for about 40 seconds.
And then shit escalates.
You know, and next thing you know, you're trying to fucking hide chunks of relish
in people's tear ducts and shit.
And that's when shit escalates.
But I remember a buddy of mine, this kid Todd, drank some gasoline.
High on mushrooms.
He was jacked up on something.
You know, and he fucked up at the service station.
Time saver.
The service station bus used to be called time saver.
Because I guess they assumed that if you stopped there, you were going to save
you a couple extra seconds.
But old Todd, he really earned himself a couple of extra seconds in the
hospital.
Days even from drinking the gasoline.
But yeah, I had good times on Halloween.
I was Where's Waldo one time.
I was Peppermint Pat.
Another time I got jacked up on some type of uppers.
And I was Peppermint Pat for Halloween.
And it's really basically you take some long johns that are the pants and you
take the long john shirts, which is just kind of the same material as the pants,
but it's a shirt.
And you sew peppermints to it.
Just tie the peppermints, you know, all over it.
Get you a little hat, a little, excuse me, like a little beanie hat.
Hook a few peppermints onto that.
And suddenly you get a cane, like a cane for a grandparent and you paint it red
and white stripes.
And suddenly you fucking Peppermint Pat, you know, and and it's not even a
character, but it is a character.
And people are like, who are you?
And it's like, I'm Peppermint Pat.
You know what I'm saying?
Let me hide a little bit of this mint up in that ass.
You feel me?
Let me breath fresh in that crotch.
You feel me?
So that was another costume that I had.
I remember this story, man.
This is the first time that I knew when I was young, my father lived with us
and my father was really old, you know.
And so we would go trick or treating and my mother would take us.
My mother had worked all day, you know, and so she got home and she was a lot
of time frustrated.
And my dad would stay home.
Excuse me, I'm going to have to clear my throat.
A lot of times you hear me clear my throat.
You hear me, I make that sound.
Because I got a big lip.
You know, I got that, I got that, uh, that, uh, what is it?
I got that, uh, that sashimi, that tuna sashimi for the bottom lip.
And so a lot of water and a lot of coagulants bunch up down there in the bottom
of my lip.
You know, I'm kind of bubblegumping down there.
And so, you know, a lot of time water build up right there.
And I'd probably make a pearl if you gave me enough time.
I'd probably make a pearl in my mouth.
I bet when I die, if the last person who comes by my body just pulls my lip
down, they might find them a beautiful, um, uh, a beautiful, you know, um, uh,
geological treat right there.
And that's going to be a pearl because I got them coagulants.
You know, my mouth kind of flows into this, this place where there's no way for
the water to escape.
So anyway, that's what I'm going on.
If you hear me making sounds, that's the sounds I'm making.
Because people sometimes will call in or email.
Some guy emailed one time, I can't, I can't listen to the podcast anymore.
You know, he's always drinking your own spit.
That's what he