Name: Theo Von - Halloween Danny and Shrieking Marrow
Uploaded: 2017-10-05T16:10:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - Halloween Danny and Shrieking Marrow' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - Halloween Danny and Shrieking Marrow' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-05. Transcript available.

My mother had a station wagon and a station wagon was something that it was
like a van
but for straight up real ass moms. It was like an SUV. It was like the original
SUV.
Like now they got these SUVs with all this room and this and that. The station
wagon,
that thing was like 50 feet long. Like your mom could be driving and you could
be so far in the
back that you were a couple minutes behind her in time. Like if you'd have
asked your mother what
time it was, she would have said 1144. And if somebody would have asked you
what time it was,
you'd have said 1141 because you were living in the past. That backseat was so
far. And man,
it was fun in that station wagon. You know, you could talk all the smack that
your mother could
never reach you. These SUVs, they got reachable children in them. You could
catch an ass whooping
if your mother got long arms, if your mother's Nigerian, you know, if your
mother's from Kenya,
you might get your ass beat even if you're just sitting into the back. But with
that do with that,
with the station wagon, man, your mother could put you in there. You could be
back there so long,
you could start a family, you know, she opened the door. Next time she opens
the door, you pop out with
a husband and a, and a, and a, and a, you know, and just freshly back out tan
because you just got
back from your honeymoon. It was that kind of thing, man. You could feel like
you were back there forever
in your own universe. And I loved my mother's station wagon. But on Halloween,
she would put the tailgate
down and we'd get a couple of local kids and, uh, and, and they would, we would
stand on the back of the
tailgate and hold onto this bar. The tailgate was down. We'd stand on that and
hold onto this bar that
was at the top of the station wagon. And my mother would drive. She'd take us
to the nice neighborhoods
so you could get that candy, you know, because rich people had the candy. I
mean, you showed up at some
poor people's house, people, you know, I remember this one dude, um, what was
that guy's name?
Uh, Cutman, Mr. Cutman, he would, uh, blow weed smoke in your face and blow
drug smoke at you.
And that was his big Halloween thing. So when we were young, we didn't get into
that much,
but as we got a little bit older, it was fun to hit his door because he cracked
that door and just
blow you a hit of that, uh, that dope smoke at you. You know, trick or treat,
boy. That shit was
trick or trauma, dude. One year that shit hit me right in the nostrils, dude.
And I was bent out.
And I was bent out. Boy, I was ghosting, dude. I had goonies in my head, bruh.
Who you thought? I had goonies in my head, man. But, uh, that was a good
time. I remember. And so anyway, we'd be, we'd be, we'd be on the station wagon
and that tailgate
would be down. My mother would be cruising. And the fun thing to do when you
saw that open yard
coming up was to run and jump off. Like we were in the air force, you know, 101st
airborne division
and no offense if I'm getting that wrong. I don't want to offend anybody. Um,
or in that sense,
but you get what I'm saying. We'd run and jump right off that tailgate and all
right, all right,
all right, all right, you know, throw my, somebody throw my sister off, you
know, and everybody just
hitting the grass and then everybody would get up and make sure they had all
their candy, half the
candy roll out into the, into the yard, but it was dark. You didn't know you'd
get your bag and run
to the door. Then you'd hit a string of houses and then get back on the tailgate
and off around to
the next street, you know, mother would go around and we'd jump off, you know?
So this one boy, man,
one time we're going, man, and my buddy, um, my buddy, Danny, and I've talked
about him before and
he, you know, very slender neck. I mean, his neck, if it was made out of
anything, it was turkey bacon.
And so he was long, you know, and long people, they're out there. There's, you're
more likely
to catch a cold. Um, my dad always told me you're more likely to catch a cold
when you're long
because there's more of you. You know, if I'm only 20 inches tall, there's only
20 inches of me where
a cold can land. But if I'm 27 inches tall, I'm a little longer than those
molecules or those,
you know, those viral, um, antibodies or bodies that are floating around, uh,
they can land. There's
more room for them to land, you know? Like I'm telling you, it's easier to land
on, uh, Saturn than
it is on Pluto because there's more space. That's what I'm saying. So my boy,
Danny was long and he
went running off and we were one, two, we're jumping off that tailgate, hitting
the yard, you know,
rolling over, running up. And Danny goes running, dude, jumped and hit
literally landed right onto a
fire hydrant that was in somebody's yard, man. And I heard a sound come out of
that boy.
It didn't come out of his voice box. It didn't come out of, it was almost like
his bone marrow
just let out a fucking shriek. Like his bone marrow let out a shriek. And that's
when I knew
that nighttime was dangerous, man. And that the devil lurked sometimes on
Halloween. He was never
the same. He was never the same before that, but he was definitely, he was
double never the same.
Um, after he just jumped sheer darkness and just caught that fire hydrant just
to the whole neck
and body, you know, and the crazy thing is you could pop that hydrant open and
run water across
him forever and he would never get back to normal.