Name: 10-9-17: Ralphie May, Love, Callers, Nat-cicle, and More | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #45
Uploaded: 2017-10-10T05:43:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '10-9-17: Ralphie May, Love, Callers, Nat-cicle, and More | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #45' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '10-9-17: Ralphie May, Love, Callers, Nat-cicle, and More | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #45' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-10. Transcript available.

10-9-17: Ralphie May, Love, Callers, Nat-cicle, and More | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #45

What's up, you limp gymnasts, huh? You little Propecia addicts.
You busting up eight balls of hair care pills in the back alley.
Ooh, catch a gram of that to the dome. Oh, check that mop.
Daddy's fro looks fuller, don't it?
We're talking rest in peace, living hope, West Coast wedding, six years without
sex.
Saying goodbye to a friend, saying hello to ourselves.
Man, Barry Bear was never the same after he got hit by that icicle.
He could have gone pro. No, he couldn't.
Welcome to This Past Weekend.
This Past Weekend.
Oh, man, it's good to be home.
Good morning.
Start your day off with a healthy balance.
Celebrate living.
Meal.
Celebrate misery.
You know that soon we're gonna die.
It's Sunday, October 8th.
That's when I'm starting this thing.
But you know what? I'm gonna finish it.
Monday, October 9th.
So it's gonna be hot off of the press for you guys.
Thank you guys for joining me.
I really appreciate it.
Welcome to This Past Weekend.
I want to tell you that I was in Oregon for this weekend.
Oregon, that's the Northwest.
And that is tree country.
Cheddar cheese country.
Do you know that?
That they're slanging that dirty dairy.
You know?
That they're slanging cheese, man.
And you have to think about when you, when I think about that, when I just
think about the fact they got a company up there called Tillamook Cheese.
And if you go to the grocery store, you can see it.
It's in like the fancy section, you know.
Like they have all the regular cheese.
It's all kind of like orange colored.
And looks like it was beaten maybe by some of its, you know, parents.
Or looks like it was maybe jumped by a carton of eggs or something.
You know?
Or looks like maybe it was like kind of like the chubby cousin that nobody ever
like talked to at the party for a couple decades.
They got that area with those big blocks of cheese.
And they got the slices, you know.
And those cheeses all stacked up, you know.
And a lot of, a lot of, you see, sometime when I was young, if we wanted a
snack, mom would give us that, hit us with that slice of cheese, you know.
Kind of, you know.
Sometime even if they only had one, if they only had one slice left in the
house and she liked one of us children more than the other.
She'd kind of come over and slide that, hit you with that slice, you know.
Or drop it in the back of your t-shirt, you know.
What is that, a snack?
You know, my mother had like little tricks up her sleeve like that.
And she would drop like a little, hit you with that chili slice of cheese down
the back of your shirt, you know.
And just, what is that, cheddar?
Just slide that cheese slice down the back of your shirt.
And you knew that you were the good child, you knew that you were the loved
child for that moment in time.
You know, and you felt, you know, and it was just a good snack.
It was a good snack of cheese, you can break it off, you can cut it into
squares.
One thing I like to do was make a, like little, like make like, put five little
holes in it and try to put my hand through it and make almost like a,
put my fingers through the cheese and almost make like a brass knuckles out of
it.
And then just cheese check one of my sisters and my brother, you know.
Just cheese check them right in the chin, son.
Cut!
Mom loves me more!
You got cheese checked, brother, you know.
I'm having coffee.
I'm having coffee, guys.
Good morning or good afternoon or good whenever you choose to consume this.
That's up to you.
But I am making it on October 8th and October 9th.
And I was in Portland, Oregon for a wedding this weekend.
And I'm going to get to a lot of things, man.
I'm going to get to a few things, got some emotional things that kind of
happened this weekend.
But I just want to start off with, you know, I'm just thinking about love, man.
I'm thinking about love, you know.
And that might sound a little bit gay or a little bit tender, but, you know,
sometimes we have to think about it.
You know, sometimes we have to put love at the forefront of our mind.
Because we almost sometimes use it as a tool in passing.
I find, you know, I see my brother or my niece, you know, and I tell them I
love them.
You know, I tell them what they mean to me.
You know, I love you, you know.
I let them know I love them.
Sometimes I let them know more pertinently and sometimes I just say it.
But we just use it as a social media tool as well.
My love, you know.
We use it at the end of a letter sometimes.
Almost as if it's something, I find that I use it as if it's something that I
remember it being used in the past from one of my parents.
Or from a friend or whoever, you know, a step parent who sent me a card or a
gift and they meant it, you know.
So I almost use it as a traditional, you know.
It's almost like, oh, well, you, of course, if it's a family member, you finish
off the letter with, you know, love, so and so.
But I wonder a lot sometimes if we're practicing it.
You know, I wonder if I'm practicing it.
And for me personally, it's hard sometimes, you know.
I think I grew up personally without a lot of reflections of love out there,
you know.
And so, so for me, I can feel it sometimes, but then I have to go forth and
actually make an effort to practice love.
And you can do that in a lot of different ways.
There's a million opportunities a day to do it, you know.
And we're going to get into some of that.
I just got emotions on my heart sleeves.
I think a lot of us do, you know.
Right now, I went up to Portland, Oregon this weekend.
I went to a wedding.
You know, I had a beautiful date that took me up there.
And it's a gal that, you know, I spent some time with.
And so she took me up there to this Portland, Oregon.
And now, if you haven't been up there, they have clean air.
Right when you get there, oh man, I'll do another eight ball of this, you know.
I'll do a, I'll hit another couple of lines of Mother Nature's fresh breath,
you know.
Break me off a couple of grams of that atmosphere, you know what I'm saying.
I'm feeling flipped.
And the air is so fresh, you almost, you catch a buzz, man, you know.
Like, if I see somebody breathing heavy, I'm like, damn, this dude's getting
fucked up.
He's getting cracked off out here.
And it was nice, man.
And the first thing that got me up there was the weather.
Because for some people, you know, the weather is starting.
And you know me, I'm a proponent of early holidays.
I'm already, dude, I'm ready for Christmas.
You cannot even tell.
Right outside of the studio, I have my stockings up.
I'm out of fire.
I'm ready.
I like the holidays, you know.
I love them.
And in Los Angeles, a lot of people don't celebrate them.
A lot of people do not have any joy in their heart.
So they choose not to celebrate.
But, I like to keep the spirit alive.
But I was in Oregon, and I noticed the weather, man.
It was getting crispy.
And I was asking, does it snow here?
And they said, well, sometimes, you know.
And it made me think back to the first time it ever snowed in my town.
And I was playing basketball.
You know, I was on one of these regional, you know, 11 and 12-year-old boys
basketball teams.
Fucking, I remember playing three quarters one time with the hardest boner you
ever seen, dude.
I mean, they almost technical fouled me, dude, just for playing too close of
defense.
You know, saying I was being a pervert.
I can't help it if you got my blood running out here on this sporting event.
And daddy's going to pop off a little in the crotch at the same time, you know.
If this dude don't want to get touched by daddy, tell him to go around.
Tell him to beat me to the hoop.
Because I can't help it if I'm out here erect playing a little bit of defense.
That's where I'm from.
I'm from the street, son, where I bring my dick to the party.
All right, I'm a man.
And I remember playing basketball, and this was just that time, you know,
when everybody was just erections and pimples.
You know, just little pockets of sebum.
Just their pores all filled up with dirt.
And their wieners all just filled up with blood and erection juice and sauce.
Or whatever it is, whatever, however you make it up.
That's up to science.
That's not my job.
But I remember it snowed.
And it had been cold, cold for two days.
And there had been ice and stuff.
And at halftime of one of our basketball games, it snowed.
And literally, we came out of the tunnel from the halftime.
Like, you know, you go in the back, and the coach is, you know, yelling and
drinking and stuff.
And the players are just kind of relaxing, you know, or whatever.
Just being, you know, 12 years old.
And we came out, and the whole gym was empty.
And that's because it snowed outside.
And people were just bananas.
They were bonkers over this new atmosphere.
You know, it was just, it was like the first time you ever seen a magic show.
But, like, the world was putting the show on for you.
You know, it was like Mother Nature was just like, ta-da!
And it was snowing.
You know, we never seen this.
I mean, we're talking about the heat of rural Louisiana.
You know, we're talking about, I remember just, I saw one time a snake in the
air.
In the air, dude.
You know, I saw a raccoon one time, sweating.
Sweating.
You know, trying to drink a Gatorade.
This was before they had Powerade, when they just had Gatorade.
And, so, you know, next thing you know, everybody's out in the snow, and
everybody's having a good time.
And there was one boy in our town, dude.
And I don't know how this shit, you know.
This fucking dude.
I mean, anyway, these people was pretty, you know, white trash, really.
You know?
And I'm no stranger to it, man.
I'm 50% white trash myself.
But these people had gone on a full 100 percentile.
You know, they'd gone all the way in.
And the boy got hit by a, a icicle.
And I don't know how, okay?
The odds, but it, I mean, this thing lit him up.
You know, it was just like a rocket.
And we'd had some stuff happen like this in our area.
You know, galactically, we had one kid, I remember when I was really young, got
hit by a meteor.
Took off his arm or part of his side.
And people, you know, there was a lot of questions about that.
Some people say his daddy hit him with the car.
But, you know, the family, the story that, that, that ended up winning out was
that he got hit by a meteor.
And that's, you know, and if he did get, if his dad did hit him with the car,
then they, you know, that's between their family.
But what they said was that it was a meteor.
And now they had, now, and the, here's the crazy part is, a meteor hit their
yard.
So, you know, it's not like there was zero meteors.
And they were just saying.
They had, you know, proof of meteor, meteor, meteors.
And, anyhow, so, but this, but this boy, Barry Bear, was this boy's name.
B-A-R-R-I-E, and then the last, either B-A-Y-E-R or something, Barry Bear.
And he got hit by a damn icicle.
And his mom, and he was fucked.
Something was wrong with that dude.
I mean, he was never, you know, they didn't put all the fucking, you know, they,
they didn't put all the, uh, the cinnamon in his biscuit, if you know what I'm
saying.
He, I mean, you'd have to, sometimes you had to tap him on the shoulder to
remind him to breathe.
That boy was just damn ignorant.
You know, it was like somebody had just broken his damn skull open when he was
little and just snacked on whatever was in there and then just closed it up and
forgot to put anything else back in there.
That boy was coming in light, you know.
Yeah, almost, yeah, but you really almost had to pat him on the back, remind
him to breathe.
Or if we were running, sometimes you have to remind him we were running.
Because he'd start walking fast and just not know how to switch gears, man.
Something was wrong with his mental transmission is what I'm going to say.
But he went outside running, whatever, fuck, wandering around.
Who knows what the fuck he was up to.
This little, this little, this little fella caught an icicle, man.
And his mom, since that day, okay, since that day of