Name: 10-16-17: Heimlich Maneuver, Swingers, Pringles, Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #46
Uploaded: 2017-10-17T01:00:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '10-16-17: Heimlich Maneuver, Swingers, Pringles, Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #46' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '10-16-17: Heimlich Maneuver, Swingers, Pringles, Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #46' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-17. Transcript available.

10-16-17:  Heimlich Maneuver,  Swingers, Pringles, Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #46

Happy Monday, everybody.
It's Monday, man. You didn't think it was?
Come on.
You've been living under a rock?
Come on, man.
You've been living under a bad calendar?
Let's have some fun while we all live.
Man, thank you guys for being here with me this morning.
Happy Monday, October 16th.
I'm in New Orleans.
Actually, I'm in Baton Rouge.
I'm in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
And so if the audio sounds a little bit weird,
or loud or unloud or tanny,
sometimes they say that with audio.
It sounds a little tanny, you know, a little reverb.
I do not know.
I don't know about all the different, you know, specifics.
But I'm in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, man.
So I'm out here at my brother's house.
And I'm in the dining room.
And this is where we're doing the pod this weekend, this week, this week.
So happy Monday.
Hope you guys had a good one.
I was in New Orleans for a wedding.
Okay?
I fly in Friday into the Big Easy.
Go to this place, Pascal's Manali, right?
And it's a place where you can get seafood.
And seafood, you know what that is, man.
It's different food out of the ocean or out of water.
It almost, they say seafood, some of the stuff they serve in Louisiana easily
could have been extradited from a ditch.
You know what I mean?
They got some things like, fuck, if they catch a dog that can swim, they will
grill that thing up in some places in Louisiana.
So the word sea, I think, is, you know, that could be used or not used.
Things in water or things from water, I think, is more applicable.
I mean, somebody will grill up a fucking spare tire if they find, you know, and
call that seafood, you know.
But we're at this place, Pascal's, you know, we hadn't even gotten to the hotel
or motel or wherever we're staying.
My buddy and his, I flew in, my buddy and his girlfriend flew in on the same
flight.
I'm dropping them off at their Airbnb.
And everybody's hungry.
We stop at this place.
We order some food, right?
We're sitting there chatting.
Suddenly, somebody across the room starts choking or choking to death.
I love, you know, that's the thing about choking.
It's like, you know, people, it's either, I guess it's either you're choking or
you're choking to death.
There's not a lot of, you know, middle ground when it comes to choking.
And this person was choking, I guess, to death, you know, we would take a while
still to see.
So at that time, they were just choking.
I guess somebody has to die to be actually choking to death.
Even though sometimes people are like, I was choking to death, but they didn't
die.
Some of the people say, I was choking to death.
If you don't die, you weren't.
You were just choking.
But anyhow, whatever.
This person is choking.
And they stand up and everybody's just like sitting down, like pretending
somebody's not choking, maybe to death.
And her husband, this guy, this, no, this lady's choking.
You know, when she had kind of a, I don't know if you've ever seen Napoleon
Dynamite, but Uncle Rico, you ever seen that dude?
His uncle?
Who could throw the football over the mountain?
She had a haircut like his.
You know, kind of a haircut that had been blow-dried way too long.
You ever see somebody, their hair has been blow-dried way too long, and it
seems just lightly, not crisp, but just, it seems almost fried a little.
A little bit, you know, air fried.
Not fried by something wet, but fried just by air.
It seemed, her hair seemed kind of air fried.
Anyhow, she's choking, and her husband, I guess, is trying to help, but he's
just like massaging her shoulders.
And I'm like, what the fuck, dude?
And so I'm trying to make eye contact with him before I try to get over there
and help, because I don't know if this dude, you know, I don't know what their
relationship's like.
Maybe he's, you know, trying to kill his wife or something.
I don't know.
But I don't want to fuck up their whole, you know, whatever they're trying to
do.
Or he's, you know, if he's, if they're, maybe she's horrible to him, and this
is, you know, he, you know, planned ahead on this sandwich, and this is, you
know, the meal that's going to take her out.
You know, maybe he can't afford a cruise.
You know, a lot of people take their spouse on a cruise, and they push them
overboard while they've been drinking.
Maybe this guy's like, you know, I'm going to save money on a $600 cruise
ticket and just hit up this, you know, $14, you know, oyster po' boy here in
New Orleans.
Anyhow, so she's choking.
This dude's like massaging her shoulders.
So I'm, I'm like, I'm going to stay out of this because I don't want to, you
know, ruin whatever money this dude's trying to make or, you know, whatever.
And then the waiter comes in.
Everybody else is just kind of chilling.
I stand up, and I'm like, does anybody know, you know, what's going on over
here?
And it's a small room we're in.
There's only probably 13 people in the whole room, and there's about maybe 12
tables.
And one of the tables is a five top.
So, I mean, this lady's like spitting and like, I don't know if you've ever
been choking or not, but it's pretty intense.
If you've ever been like choking possibly to death, that shit is intense, you
know, and your face and your throat starts making all this extra saliva.
You know, you start turning, your whole head turns into like a water slide.
I mean, you start dripping out of your eyes and your nose and everything
because you're, you know, your body's trying to lube your whole universe up so
you can get this, whatever's inside of you so it'll pop out.
And this lady's, I mean, dripping.
She's like crying, and there's, you know, grease coming out her pores, and like,
you know, her ears are like saliva just swirling out her ears and everything.
I mean, she's, this lady's lubed up.
I mean, you think she's ready for some type of gangbang if she wasn't choking
possibly to death.
Man, I tell you, dude, this waiter comes over, and he straps on the Heimlich,
bro.
This dude straps on the Heimlich.
And he was the skinniest waiter.
You know, I'm not accusing anybody of different, you know, extracurricular
activities, but I've worked on the pizza line.
I used to work and make pizza with a guy on methamphetamines, and them boys can
put in work, you know, and they don't weigh much.
I mean, this dude had, this guy I worked with would wear a belt, but he would
have to tie the belt, you know, and his waist was basically just a forearm with
a spine in it, you know, and some organs and some lean organs.
I mean, this boy was lean, and so I've been around these fellas that's jacked
up on them uppers, you know, that they call it high diving, you know, when you're
on them uppers constantly, because you're living at 60 feet.
You know, when it's, I mean, you, your world is just a bouncy board up there.
Anything can happen.
That fall can be fast.
And, and this, this guy, this lean fella starts doing Heimlich on this lady.
And this lady's a, you know, she's a middleweight, light heavyweight, maybe,
you know, she kind of, she's not, she's like a Buster Douglas kind of, if you
will, if you want to use fight and terminology, she's, she's sort of a Buster
Douglas.
And as he pulls on her, his whole body is coming up off of the ground.
So this, this guy is Heimlich and this lean, this lean, this lean fella, dude,
he's Heimlich and her, it looked like a skeleton trying to fuck like a big
animal.
As he's pulling, his whole, his whole body is bucking on her.
Like his whole, his feet are coming up off the ground, his momentum.
And she's just, I mean, this, and suddenly there's just kind of like a, like a,
like that, like, and just this big splash of like, you know, whatever it was,
whatever it jacked her system up, just, just, just kind of just attack, just
flew.
I mean, they had liquid flew out of her eyes, nose and mouth, you know, the
trifecta, you know, I mean, it was, it was artful almost.
It was something you'd see at Disneyland around suns, around sunset when they
do the big water display and the water kind of jumps from one hole to the other.
And they're playing the music, you know, be our best, be our best, you know,
and the music's, you know, everybody was Kung Fu fighting.
And the, just the waters are jumping and landing in other holes.
And it's like this perfect thing.
It was like that, man, it hit the air and it was just like, and just splashed.
And then everything was done and it was over.
And it was awkward, man.
It was so awkward and I didn't know what to do.
So I started a round of applause because otherwise I'm thinking here.
Well, first of all, the lady lived, you know, if somebody lives, hell yeah.
You know, even if her husband had a plan or he was caught up in the dark arts
in his brain, you know, he was thinking about murder.
He'd been Googling stuff that was dangerous and would come back to haunt him,
you know, on a Dateline episode, whatever.
You know, I mean, I could see some, you know, fella thinking about taking his
wife out via sandwich.
That's an easy, that's a $17 kill, you know.
But this guy, you know, I got started this round of applause.
There's a round of applause going.
And that kind of broke the awkwardness, man.
And I've been there.
Let me tell you, I have been there, okay.
I've had reactions.
If I have, and this is like, and I'll know now because I'm giving this secret
out to people.
But if I have tuna fish and Gatorade, same time, just straight tuna out the can,
albacore, you know, none of the cheap shit.
But if I go albacore, that white meat, you know, that front meat, that breast
of the fish, immediately, if I have that with Gatorade, my throat shuts down.
I mean, closes up.
I remember being in a hotel in Chicago, you know, I'm hitting myself with that
Gatorade, that thirst quencher.
And I'm popping off of, I got one of them bags and cold bags of tuna fish.
Because sometimes they used to have for a while, and they may still have them.
Because it's hard to get into a can of tuna.
I mean, I remember seeing a homeless guy beat open a can of tuna with an
umbrella once in Santa Monica.
And I'm like, fuck, that dude, you know, that's aggressive for some fish.
You know, for some low-key fish, that's aggressive.
So I know that I'm not that kind of guy, you know.
I'm not that kind of guy.
I'm not the guy that beats open a can of tuna for, you know, with a weather
prevention utensil.
But when I mixed it, so that for a while they had it in a bag, and it was just
a bag you could seal tight.
You would open it, and you could get to the tuna right there.
Immediately, there's a tuna.
It was kind of this metal pouch.
Pouch, that's a better term than bag.
So, I was in my hotel room.
I'm running late.
I just hit the gym.
I want to get, you know, electrolytes and get my protein in.
So I hit up a 7-Eleven on the way to my room.
Grabbed me a bag of that snack fish, that low-key snack fish.
And a Gatorade.
And the Gatorade, man, right when it hit my throat and I had the tuna in my
mouth and throat, my shit closed up.
Locked.
So I'm in my hotel room, and my shit is locking, locking, bro.
You ever see, like, on those movies where somebody attacks, like, or somebody,
you know, tries to, I think, like, maybe Star Wars,
where somebody tries to get onto the, you know, the space vessel, and the doors
start closing whenever they're, you know, finally are stealing it or whatever.
And the sliding doors are just starting locking down, like, whoosh, whoosh.
It was like that.
I mean, my throat started.
Locking.
Locking.
I mean, no entry.
Dude, I am reaching down my own throat.
I don't know if you ever reached down your throat for something, you know.
I'm trying to think what I would compare it to.
First of all, never would I think I could get my hand down my throat until I
have to.
Dude, I was just trying to hold my throat open so I could get air in and out of
it.
Man, my throat keeps locking.
I try to call the phone.
Try to call the front desk.
I can't.
I'm like, go into the hall, right?
Into the hall.
I have my toothbrush in my hand because I'm try