Name: Theo Von - Threesomes and Baltic Babies
Uploaded: 2017-10-25T20:51:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - Threesomes and Baltic Babies' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von - Threesomes and Baltic Babies' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-25. Transcript available.

Hey, Theo. This is your boy, Cece, from Ohio.
Cece!
Thank you for calling. Here we go.
Buckeye Nation.
Here's the situation.
I have a manager at work.
She is married to another woman.
Female lesbian.
Oh, yeah. That's female lesbianism.
Onward.
And, uh...
I have the same haircut as a lot of those women,
and I see a lot of them checking my shit out, too, online.
I see y'all on Instagrams.
Trying to hawk my shit gender-neutral style, boy.
Word up.
Let's hear more, brother.
They've been hitting on me,
and they're both, like, solid eights.
Ohio eights.
Hey, dude, in Ohio eight, it's an Indiana nine, baby.
That's what they say. Let's hear more.
And, um...
Hitting on me and my wife, actually.
I wanted to know if that would make things weird at work,
if I dabbled a little bit in those dark arts.
And also, do you think that
if I partook in any of this,
it would make me feel, you know,
emasculated in any way
to have, you know,
maybe my wife enjoying this a little bit.
Also wanted to know maybe...
Wow.
Okay, that's a lot right there.
So, you have this option.
That's called a bass trap, too.
They call it a bass trap, dude,
when they got two...
When two lesbians are hitting on you.
You know, they're trying to get you in that bass trap.
And, yeah, look, man.
I mean, that's...
I feel like that's intimidating.
If both of them are eights,
I have a feeling one of them's an eight
and one of them's a six.
I'm just going to be honest.
That's what I have a feeling.
You know, because sometimes it's hard to get,
you know,
two real hitters that are an eight
that are lesbians
in the Midwest.
I'm guessing...
I'm guessing one's an eight
and one's a six.
I'm just guessing, bro.
And that's okay.
You know, that's me being
a little bit judgmental there.
But that's safe, you know.
Because what I'm saying is,
you know,
one of my buddies one night
came up to me at a bar
and he's like,
man, I got these five girls
I want to hook up with me.
And I looked at them
and he's like,
they were all twos, you know.
And he's like,
dude, five twos make a ten, right?
We've all heard a reference like that before.
But I'm like, dude, that's...
You know, at a certain point,
you're not even...
What type of sex is it
if there's five, you know...
And these women
were all the same height,
all little women,
five little women,
one penis.
It sounds like a...
It sounds like a Japanese game show
more than he was getting involved in,
you know.
But it can be intimidating, you know,
if you get in that environment
with the two ladies
and that...
Now, a bass trap
is when two lesbians
get you into...
You know, they get you into the bed.
But then one of them,
that killer,
you know what I'm saying?
Because one of them
is always that Sugar Ray Leonard,
the sweet one.
And then one of them
comes in
and she's that George Foreman,
you know, that gorilla.
One of them comes in
that gorilla boy
and the gorilla be laying down
the law.
And that gorilla sometimes
will show you who's boss.
And that's where it can be
a little bit weird, dude.
That's where it can be
a little bit weird
where the gorilla shows up
and, you know,
that George Foreman shows up
and she just starts
putting it on her lady
in front of you
after you already got in there.
You know,
or when you're about to be next,
you know what I'm saying?
She's swinging away, dude.
She's, you know,
batting practice
and you're still over there
in a batter's box.
You know,
and you start getting nervous
and, you know,
and she's bringing in
fake instruments to the game.
She got some fake pecker
tied to her, you know,
to her rib cage or something
and that's how, you know,
they're getting into it.
And that's okay.
I'm not saying there's anything
wrong with any of this,
you know.
I mean, hell,
I got a lesbian's haircut,
you know.
I've taken this haircut.
I've styled it after
different lesbian cuts
that I've seen.
You know, always.
My father told me
I had the heart of a lesbian
when I was a child
and I've always tried
to live up to his,
you know,
things that I guess
we all try to live up
to things that our father
wants out of us
and the things that our father
tells us about us,
you know,
that always reflects in us
most of our lives.
But, yeah,
that could be intimidating, man.
You know,
and that's,
dude, I'd love to know more
if you navigate those waters, dude.
If you out there
Huck Fennin'
and Black Gemmin'
out there, baby,
I'd love to know
with that mighty
Trist of Sippy,
if you get into that Trist, baby.
If you get into that Trist, man,
with those ladies.
Now, if you bring your wife in,
gee, dude,
this is a damn movie
you're living in.
So, you got two Ohio 8s.
You're out there gunning
with one man penis.
You got a man penis
running on natural battery power,
natural blood flow.
So, I'd pop a 5 milli
of Cialis
before you get out there.
You know what I'm saying?
Put your dancing shoes
on your dick.
Because you don't want,
you know what I'm saying?
You don't want to show up
to the ballpark
wearing sandals.
You know what I'm saying?
So, I'd pop a 5 milli
just to stay in the,
you know,
just to keep balls
in the field of play.
That way,
if you fade out once,
you could chill in the back,
you know,
have you,
you know,
a snack,
you know,
a small snack
or something,
couple orange slices,
and then get back out there
and be hitting that,
you know,
gunning down on them
late,
on that crotch.
Because at that point,
those ladies are going to be
tag teaming your wife.
You know,
you're going to be sitting
in the distance.
They're going to be out there
tag teaming.
You know,
one of them is going to be
having her in a headlock
and one of them is going to be
flying off the top ropes,
you know,
and putting everything,
you know,
putting her grill into the mat
and all of that,
you know,
and doing different things,
you know,
doing,
you know,
leg locks,
doggy style leg locks
and all of that,
you know,
it's going to be,
I don't know.
And then also,
will it be weird
if your wife sees you
not perform super well?
Like,
you don't want to be,
you know,
you don't want them
to be going out there at it.
You know,
one of them's got a bunch of,
you know,
some yarn tied around her waist
and with that,
you know,
one of them plastic Johnsons,
you know,
hanging off her rib cage
and she's,
you know,
she's straight up
R buckling that clam
on the,
you know,
with her lady,
with her lesbian lover
and you're sitting on the sidelines,
you know,
and your wife's
toweling off your forehead
and shit
and you only was at it
three or four minutes.
That could be scary, bro.
Wow, man.
This is interesting
because I can't even imagine
being in that situation,
all the things,
if it could happen
or would happen.
Man, dude,
that's brave, man.
That's really,
really brave.
You know,
if you get in there,
I'd love to know
a little bit more about it
if it does occur.
And if you get in there,
man,
and things do get weird
and you do start
to feel a certain way,
just, you know,
be honest,
I would say.
Just say,
look,
ladies,
I'm going to let you guys
enjoy each other's company.
I'm going to sit over here
and relax.
You know,
because part of my problem
is I would get in there
and think I had to be
this type of man.
You know,
that can be started.
Then suddenly,
I'm fighting my own self.
You know,
now I'm thinking,
my dick's thinking.
You don't want your dick thinking,
dude.
That's what you don't want.
And that's what happens
a lot of times these days.
All of our men's dick
are thinking.
And that's why
we're not able to
achieve sexually
as much as we used to.
You know,
because there's not
as much natural,
you know,
everything's thinking nowadays.
It's not as much nature.
You know,
we're not riding
our limbic system
as much as we used to.
And so we're riding
our thoughts.
And our thoughts,
thoughts,
your dick don't run
on thoughts.
You know what I'm saying?
Your dick runs
on that fortitude.
You know,
on that one drop
of freaking,
on that one drop
of booty LSD
that the Lord
just dripped
into your spine
when he made you.
That's what you,
and that just,
that formulates
your whole universe
and keeps you out there
in them streets,
you know,
and keeps you out there
being able to have sex
and do sex naturally
because that's that,
that's that,
those natural causes
you have inside of you.
But man,
if you get out there,
dude,
wow.
Well,
if you need help,
man,
hit up our first caller,
that EMT,
man,
he might be able
to get out there
and help you out as well.
Or maybe that was you
that called his EMT.
I can't even remember now,
man.
My brain gets a little bit bad.
Because hell,
it's Sunday evening,
you know,
but my saints won,
so that's truly beautiful.
But yeah,
man,
I appreciate it.
Have I ever been
in an instance like that?
I'll tell you this,
dude,
I got in this
three-way activity
one time
and I forgot about this.
I got in this
three-way activity
out there
in Missouri
and that's swinger country
and these are probably
young swingers
that hadn't grown up yet
and gotten married
and so they were just,
and one of these girls,
real sexy,
you know,
real,
real sexy,
you know,
like if you saw her
at a bus stop
and it wasn't your stop,
you might get off the bus,
just have a shot
to talk with her
and then walk to your stop.
You know,
as long as it wasn't raining,
you might do that
if you saw this girl.
And her friend
looked kind of,
she was a little bit
Baltic Avenue
if you know what I'm saying,
man.
She wasn't,
I mean,
this first baby
was damn Marvin Gardens,
you know what I'm saying?
She was already
around that third corner,
you know,
she was that kind of looker
but this first baby,
you know,
this little baby cat
was,
she was a little more Baltic
and that's fine,
man.
She was a sweet girl,
both sweet girls
and I went into it
just saying,
look,
I'm going to do what I can
but that Baltic baby,
she had,
she kind of,
you ever seen like those old
like weightlifting videos
or from like the 1700s
or whatever
where the guy has the dumbbells
and it's the big round dumbbells
and it says like
1,000 on each side
and he's like holding it up
and he's wearing like a unitard,
you know?
She looked like that,
you know,
she had that Bulgarian swagger in her,
you know?
She had that,
you know,
that Russian,
she was like,
she looked like she's about
90% Russian,
you know?
And then,
and so,
she was like,
you know,
so I was trying to really
make love to the more,
you know,
the one that I felt,
you know,
the one that was more of a looker,
you know,
the one that I wouldn't mind,
you know,
seeing again
and then her friend was more,
she was that rassler,
you know,
she kept wrapping her legs,
she would do crazy shit too.
I remember,
like I remember,
I was doing a little bit
of doggy style activity,
that rear entry position
with the woman on her knees
and me,
the man back behind her
and then the lady,
that little,
you know,
that little,
she was kind of like a damn,
like a,
you know,
like a,
like a,
like a fast sloth.
She kind of was on my back,
kind of almost jockeying me,
you know?
She's like,
she's on my back,
jockeying me
and I'm trying to be,
you know,
I was almost that middle man,
you know,
a little bit.
It's almost like she was like this,
this fucking fast Russian backpack
I was wearing,
you know?
And she had her crotch out
and she was doing all kinds of,
she was almost doing stunts
and shit around us
while,
while me and this other girl
were making love
and then,
you know,
one of them was,
both of them was sitting on top of me
and it was,
this shit was wild dude,
this shit was wild man,
but it was pretty enjoyable
but there's also just a lot going on
so you don't know,
it's hard to know when to,
you know,
where you're supposed to be.
That's it.
You almost need like somebody
to do the blocking
and do some,
okay,
you be here,
okay,
you know,
when the music stops,
everybody get in a chair,
you know,
you almost need,
you know,
you need a lot going on.
You know,
you almost need a referee
or somebody like a wedding planner
if you want a real successful threesome, I think.