Name: Follow Up: Brock | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #48
Uploaded: 2017-10-27T08:42:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Follow Up: Brock | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #48' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Follow Up: Brock | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #48' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-10-27. Transcript available.

Follow Up: Brock | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #48

This past weekend
This past follow-up brought to you by gray block pizza
G.R.E.Y. Block Pizza in Los Angeles Pico Boulevard over by the beach get your
life get your pie
Alright
Let's do something here
Alright, it's Thursday
Ooh, that's that dirty beat right there
Man, that sound like somebody trying to
Trying to fuck on a space shuttle doesn't it?
That sound like somebody trying to finger bang you right off the coast of Mars,
baby
Right off the coast of Pluto
That's Jesse Lucero sent in some beautiful music. That's Jesse Lucero
And I don't I've never met Jesse Lucero, but they
They dropped me some beautiful music and
That's Jesse Lucero that could be a man or a woman and that could be Spanish
Lucero
What I don't even know what Lucero means probably when you catch a
When you catch, um
When you catch an animal with a rope, um, and then it when it gets free
It's Lucero
Donde es el gato?
Oh, yo lo siento
El gato es Lucero, and that's when you lose the cat
But it's Thursday man, it's Thursday evening
Thursday afternoon here on the west coast. I got to go to a wedding in a few
minutes
Somebody a friend of mine. I guess I call him a friend at this point is having
a wedding
Thursday afternoon
5:30 p.m
In Malibu, right?
Do you know how hard it is to get to Malibu? There's one way in one way out the
PCH
It's gonna be miserable
This is a way to lose friends when you have a wedding like that, you know, I'm
saying
That's like saying hey look, I'm gonna have a wedding
Um, you know i'm gonna have a wedding
I'm gonna have it on the top of this mountain. So you got a hike up there. It's
a two-day hike
You know, you're not gonna have any friends, dude
Your parents ain't gonna make it up there
You know some of this wedding shit man, you know
Somebody invited me to a wedding in africa
What the fuck dude?
You think africa, bro?
You know I'm saying like I got like I got 10 days just to get over to africa
and enjoy myself
He's like we'll just come for a day
I'm not going to africa for a day
You who goes to africa africa, dude the cradle of civilization. I'm just gonna
stop by for a couple hours
Are you out of your fucking?
brain
Have somebody cracked in your brain and taking out the good parts?
And he's gonna I can already tell he's gonna get upset when I don't come
I can already tell
That's crazy
That's like saying hey, let me have both your arms
Let me have both your arms and somebody's like nah, man. I need my arms, you
know
I'm trying to hug and i'm trying to you know go get the mail
And not have to not have to open the mail with my feet, you know, i'm trying to
do things
What the fuck bro, I don't know what's going on anymore, you know, I really don't
sometimes when it's that kind of shit
But anyhow, i'm happy to be here with you guys on this thursday evening this friday
morning whenever you catch this vibe
I don't know when this is coming out, but uh, this is the this past follow-up
And I had a call that came in
Um, I wanted to respond to this dude brock's call. We had a lot of callers that
responded to brock
So if you don't know about brock, he called on the original podcast, you know
Oh, and here's brock's original call and this was on the podcast this past
weekend
Um, here's brock's original call. Let's get into that. Here we go
Hey, theo, it's uh, brock university of central missouri
Uh, so, uh, I got a question for you how to handle something. Um, so i'm a
I'm kind of short. I don't really, uh, got a lot of confidence in myself when I,
uh
met the bars with
other people because you know, I don't really know how to talk to a girl or
do anything like that
Okay, i'm gonna interrupt you right there brock. I appreciate your call just
like I appreciated it on the monday episode
But i'm gonna tell you this my grandfather grew two inches in his 50s
So let me drop that into your fucking brain holes into your side holes
into your fucking sound spouts
My grandfather grew two inches in his 50s
You know something happened to him something in his plates and his you know
I don't know what happened dude plate tectonic shift down in his genetics and
put out next thing, you know
Achilles that was my grandfather's name achilles and that's true story
My father's name was theodore achilles
And he was suddenly two inches taller
and apparently
Um
He didn't get along with my grandmother after that him and my grandmother
They had issues after that
So that and if that tells you anything brock that tells you that sometime
showing up small at first
And maybe forever
Can be to your benefit
Because this was the love of his life
You know, this was the love of his life
And when he grew taller when he stretched out
You know when god hit him with that magic two spot in his 50s
Then he wasn't in love anymore
So man, that's really
When you think about that
That at that height and that size and whatever stature he was at
That that's where love met him best
And then height became an affliction for him
As he aged
Height became an affliction for that man
And somehow just the gravitational pull
The balance
The, you know
The vertica
Horizonicus
Whatever it was
That spell that
Messed him in with this bride of his
This, you know
My grandmother
It fell off
And so man, there was something
There was magic in being small
But that was
Let's finish up your call
Here you go
So
Yeah man
I don't know
I don't know how to handle it man
I just get in my head
I don't know how to overcome that
Seems like you could have some good advice on this one
Let me know
Thanks man
Bye
And I'm going to get to some advice
We had some callers that called in
I'm going to jump into those
But I'll tell you this brock
We all have, you know
Insecurities
And things that make us feel less than
You know
At night I'll be wearing a neck brace at night
You know
Because I want to stretch my neck out a little bit
Because I've always thought I had a small neck
You know
I've always thought I've been a little bit shy in the neck
You know
And a neck really is just that fifth arm
A neck is just that chubby fifth arm
That's coming out the middle of your torso at the top
You know
And people could say this or say that
No
That's what it is, you know
It's that fifth appendage
It's that third arm
It's that
You know
It's that short upper leg
You know
That's all it is
It's that fifth appendage
It's that magical fifth appendage
The neck
Now unfortunately
The other appendages
They don't hold much
You know
Two of them have a hand
Two of them have a foot
But that neck
That's the one holding onto your head
Man
That's the one running around
With that crystal ball in its grasp
And I've always wanted a better neck
A longer neck
And so you'll catch me sometime in the evening
Relaxing with a cool drink
And a neck brace on
You know
And that's so
You know
We all are short somewhere
We're all short of something
I want you to know that
But let's get to some calls that came in
For Brock
Here we go
Here we go
Right here
Hey Theo
Hey bro
I love the podcast man
You're a bad motherfucker
Hey man
I'm calling from Tacoma, Washington
Tacoma, Washington
Good place to square dance
And eat granola
You'd be surprised
Onward
In regards to
Brock from last week
I just want to let him know
That I'm also short
And troll-like
Wow
That's that double
When you come in a little bit troll-ish
You know
And I've
Look I'll say for myself
I've always looked like a cross
Between Tom Brady and Shrek
And so I know
I got a little bit of that magical
You know
I got a little bit of those magical
Tree-loving
And tree-living
Type of ogre qualities in me
Onward
But hey
I wanted to encourage him
You know
In his pursuit
And I wanted to see
Or to encourage him
For taller women
You know
Opposites attract
And you know
If you had kids
You know
They could get the height
From her
Wow
That's a really great point
Opposites attract
And then another
Follow-up point there
That
Yeah
If you don't feel that burden
To carry the height
On to a child
Because you can also
Grasp that height
From
From a woman
You know
From the other
So 50%
Of it's her responsibility
You know
When it comes to the genetics
Onward
You know
Even better
Who doesn't want
Big strong kids
You know
And
But a word of caution
Just
With taller women
Comes taller limbs
You know
It's easier to get
Kicked in the head
While doing sex
Damn
You know
Just be careful
There you go
And there you go
To taller limbs
That's dangerous
You know
I mean
Say you're trying
To rescue a woman
You know
If
If there's a fire
And you're trying
To rescue your lady
It's easy to rescue
A smaller lady
Throw her on your back
You know
Wrap her around your waist
Tie her around your waist
But you got a long
Drink of water
You know
You got to drag
Her by the arms
You got to get help
You know
You got to put wheels
You got to put a skateboard
Under her
Much tougher
To rescue a longer woman
But those are some good points
I appreciate that call
And those are words
Just for you Brock
There in central Missouri
Which is actually
Swinger country
So that's
You could meet a man
Or woman out there
But
Let's go
Let's keep it going Brock
We had some
We had a lot of
A lot of good souls
That called in
Man
This stuff boosted my
This boosted
This made my day
Today
Were these calls
That came in
The past few days
Here we go
Onward
Hey Theo
Hey bro
I love the podcast man
You're a bad motherfucker
Oh that's the same call
Alright here we go
Onward
Yo what up Theo
This is Henrik
From
Los Angeles
And I'm just listening to
Your boy Barack
Thanks for calling Henrik
I was having some
Issues and insecurities
Based off
Based on his height
And I am very familiar
With that topic
I'm like 5'6
My whole life
I've been insecure
Thinking
Girls will never
Look at me
Because everything
You hear since
You're a little kid
Is
Oh I want a tall
Handsome
Man
That's what like
Women say
That's true
I'm going to interrupt
You there Henrik
I'm sorry
But that's a good point
You do hear that
You know
It's this thing
That gets put in our heads
You know
We're always talking
About the things
That get put in
Women's heads
You know
When some of these ladies
Got the dark arch
Wrapped up in her skull
You know
They got this
Just damn
You know
I mean these ladies
Are you know
They got vanilla dreams
In their head
But they out here
Watching Snapped
And watching murder shows
And being addicted
To murder
But anyhow
That's a great point
That
As men
You got to excuse me
I'm having a candy corn
Right now
Found one on my desk
But as men
We are
We get overwhelmed
With the idea
That
Tall dark and handsome
You know
Tall dark and handsome
Is always that motto
You know
Oh I want a man
That's tall dark and handsome
It's not a dude
That's short
And uh
Has some scoliosis
You know
With a mole
You know
It's not a dude
That only has nine fingers
And likes to bicycle
That's not the motto
You know
It's not
It's not uh
You know
Short loud and splotchy
That's not the motto
It's tall dark and handsome
So that's an affliction
That we're born
Trying to live up to
And that's artificial
That's a really good point
Henrik
Let's take more
All I
I was
Raised
To like
Think
Until I started
Just
Um
Noticing that
Me just being myself
And loving myself
And saying
You know
Well fuck it
It is what it is
Just living my life
You know
Uh
Taking care of myself
I was healthy
I have a nice body
And everything
And started noticing
That actually
I'm pretty good
At getting girls
Girls are kind of
Coming up to me
I'm always quiet
Shy
Somehow women
Would always come up to me
They would actually
Initiate stuff
Or like send their
Friends to tell me
Um
That their friend
Thinks I'm cute
And stuff
There you go
There you go
There you go
Like sometimes
Being shy and quiet
Can be to your advantage
That's what Henrik's
Telling you right there
Brock
Is that
And that's true
I mean
Henrik's coming in
Sounding like that
Silent killer
You know
He stays off in the cut
He's silent
But then he's killing it
When it comes to the ladies
He's that silent killer
Emphysema I think
Is what it usually is
Um
Or strokes
Or something
Whatever
T