Name: 11-6-17: What's real, Step Grandparent, Guest Segment & Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #50
Uploaded: 2017-11-07T04:39:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-6-17: What's real, Step Grandparent, Guest Segment & Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #50' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-6-17: What's real, Step Grandparent, Guest Segment & Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #50' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-07. Transcript available.

11-6-17: What's real, Step Grandparent, Guest Segment & Callers | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #50

Yeah, yeah.
Celebrate living.
Celebrate it.
Celebrate misery.
You know that's what I'm gonna die.
All right.
What's up, you little crippled missiles?
How y'all doing, huh?
Huh?
You little one-eyed arthropods, dude.
What is that, a worm?
I don't even know.
What is an arthropod?
A worm?
I don't know.
I don't know.
That's sometimes where you gotta start at, man.
I don't know.
I know very little.
That's gonna be my new motto.
Hey, buddy, you know something?
I don't, you know?
Wish I did, you know?
Knowledge is power.
Knowledge is pressure as well, man.
Having too much knowledge, that's pressure, you know?
Not being open to new ideas.
Boy, you get stranded, you know?
You can be between a rock and a hard place, and you just might be the rock.
You ever think about that?
Sometimes you find yourself between a rock and a hard place, and you're the
rock.
So sometimes you gotta soften up and open your brain up to other people's ideas.
I'm gonna give you an idea right here.
It is Monday, November 6th, 2017, and we are living on Earth here in this
galaxy, and that's all we know.
That's all I know today, man.
That's all I'm running on.
Thank you, guys.
Happy November.
Some people still want to think that, you know, that it's not almost seasonal
time.
Well, go to a CVS, okay?
Go to a dang CVS, or a Rite Aid, Walgreen, okay?
Go to a Dollar General, and go to a 99-cent shop, and see if you don't, you
know what I'm saying?
See if you don't see some accoutrements up there.
See if you don't see a special turkey, you know, one of those, you know, a
papier-mâché turkey kit, you know?
Or some of those little cans of gravy.
See if you don't see extra gravy at the ends of the aisle, stacks of canned
gravy.
See if you don't see them starting to push all of that, that pumpkin pie bubblegum,
you know?
And that, you know, dried giblet salad, walnut, raspberry things.
You know what I'm talking about?
Damn raisins.
See if you don't, see if they don't start peddling all of that.
It's because it's wintertime.
It's the holidays, man.
If somebody comes at you this week, they won't, I need, I need, bro, it's the
holidays, all right?
The only thing I'm doing for the next 16 or 17 days is planning how I'm going
to eat my turkey.
Am I going to have it fried?
Am I going to have it frizzled, permed?
You know, how do you like your turkeys?
How do you like your turkey pieces?
You want that dark, that white, that long neck?
Would you like that turkey neck?
I used to have a step uncle, and he used to suck on the turkey neck.
He'd get that long strand of turkey neck meat, put it in his mouth, and then
just slowly pull it out of his mouth and pretend it was a tongue.
He would tell us it was a tongue when we were children.
And it would look a little bit like a tongue.
In fact, maybe it wasn't even turkey neck.
It could have been turkey tongue or some kind of animal tongue.
And he was pretending it was his tongue.
And he was wild, and his daddy was wild.
His daddy was named after one of the, what are those guys, three musketeers.
His daddy was Mr. D'Artagnan.
And his daddy would stay over, and I guess he was my step-grandfather, you know.
And he was old, man.
Mr. D'Artagnan was old.
And he would let us put lotion on his legs at night in a non-sexual way.
And it was pretty fun, you know.
And that's back when, you know, it was rare that my brothers and sisters and I
got together and did anything.
And then Mr. D'Artagnan would let us put lotion on his legs at night sometimes.
And it was pretty fun, I think, just because.
And it wasn't sexual, man.
And I know some people are like, that's gross, you know.
That's, you know.
Y'all's being naughty with that old man.
You know, or he's being naughty with y'all.
It wasn't that.
Okay, I knew people that were out there.
I knew naughty makers, you know.
I knew people out there that were sounding dirty horns in the distance, you
know.
And people ejacking back there behind the birch trees and all of that, you know.
And, you know, doing dirty stuff down by the big culverts and into the storm
drains and everything.
And into the recycling bin.
They used to have a man that used to spray out into the recyclers in our
neighborhood and they caught him.
Actually, a couple of dogs caught him and then the police caught him.
But Mr. D'Artagnan wasn't like that.
He just, old man, you know, obsessed with putting lotion on.
Constantly had lotion.
And, dude, you couldn't, I mean, you could barely, if you tried to shake his
hand, your hand would slip right off of his.
That's how, I mean, that band was greased up.
And I think he probably used other types of lubricants, random lubricants or
anything around the house.
You know, coconut oil, thick water, you know, neosporin, anything, petroleum
jelly, kerosene, you know.
He just liked to have a little bit of shine to him, a little bit of shimmer.
He didn't like that natural skin.
He didn't like the, I think he would have preferred, honestly, having more of
an otter type body if he could have been an otter.
But he was a man, Mr. D'Artagnan.
And he, I know sometimes when he stayed by our house, he would let us, kids put
lotion onto his legs.
He would put it, well, he would put it on and he'd let us rub it in.
And you'd think that's crazy to do, but until you've rubbed lotion into an old
man's knees, it's not bad.
It's fun, kind of, you know, it's almost, you know, you're, you know, you're
trying to get all this lotion into their, into their skin.
And it was pretty fun, man.
But welcome to this past weekend, guys.
I appreciate you guys joining me.
Got a lot of cool stuff, I guess, that happened this week.
We had some good callers.
I was actually going to go to Africa.
I was going to go to Africa.
And it got canceled.
I was supposed to go perform for a sheik or a sheik.
You know, S-H-I-S-H-E-I-K.
Listen to this.
So the other day, I opened my email.
I get an email.
Three days ago, it says, they want you in the Seychelles, which is off the
coast of Madagascar.
Oh, you thought it was just a cartoon?
No, it's a country, you nut.
You bag of damn dung jalapenos.
Get the fire out of your feces, brother.
Okay?
Stay natural.
It is a country, Madagascar.
And off the island of it, there's a place called the Seychelles.
And it is supposed to be just beautiful.
So I get an email in my inbox.
This is a neat thing about being in this business sometimes.
Is that I get an email in my inbox and it says, hey, they want you in the Seychelles.
They want you.
A Saudi prince or a sheik wants you to come and perform, they said.
And here's how it was going to be.
I would fly there.
It's 24 hours of flying, right?
So I'd fly there.
I could stay for two or three nights at the resort.
You're also at a resort that's right there.
And then you go to this special event that's going on for the sheik.
You perform for the audience and then you leave.
You perform behind a plastic like a, you know, you ever go to like a, you ever
be in a neighborhood,
a scary neighborhood or any neighborhood, um, and you go to get a, pay for your
gasoline
at night and the man is in there in a little cage.
And at first you think he's sick, you know, he has, you know, they quarantine
him.
He's got yellow pox or, you know, he's got cat fever or whatever, cat scratch
fever or
whatever they call it.
You know, they keep him inside of the cage and you got to slide things to him
in that
drawer, slot him a, you know, a TV dinner or whatever, you know?
Um, but that's what, I mean, anyway, actually those men are in there for safety
and they're
behind a plastic thing.
Well, that's the kind of thing you perform for behind the, for the sheik.
So his audience is all out there.
You're in this, you know, in this, I'll guess almost a human aquarium.
You do your act and you leave.
You never get to meet anybody at the party, blah, blah, blah, or the event.
That's what I heard.
That's what the, that's what the offer was to me.
Right.
They said, we'll pay you this amount of money.
You got to go there.
I said, and I could bring a friend, but I was like, it was economy.
It was regular, you know, regular seating and I'm not a fancy pants.
I'll sit in regular seating.
I'll sit by the window, you know, if I have my preference, but I said, look,
man, I'm flying
24 hours to get there.
It was three flights, Dubai, Frankfurt.
So I'm thinking I'll go first class.
So I throw that back.
I said, look, only way I'm going is if I can go first class, you know, and I
don't need
to take a friend.
I asked two friends, nobody could go.
So next thing you know, they come back and they say, okay, first class.
Boom.
Next thing you know, tomorrow I'm supposed to be heading to Africa.
Africa to go over there and, and perform for the shake and then hang out for
two nights
or three nights at this resort.
And instead I get an email last night, literally 11 40 PM said the shake,
something else came
up, you know, he's going to be shaken on shakedown streets somewhere else and
he can't be there.
So I don't get to go to Africa now.
So anyway, that's one of the trials and tribulations that comes sometime in
this business.
You know, you think you need to go back to the motherland or the fatherland.
You know, I'm not sure which one it is.
I know the motherland is Africa.
The fatherland I'm guessing is what Italy, you know, Greece, probably.
I don't know if you've ever had a Greece, uh, a Grecian around you, you know,
but, um, but
they can be kind of fatherly sometimes, you know, uh, so anyhow, man, that was
a little
bit of a letdown for my week.
What else is going on, dude?
Um, I don't know.
I've been dealing with like some relationship type stuff, you know, um, you
know, I kind
of, I like this girl and I just, you know, I just got so much fear when it
comes to that
kind of stuff.
It's so hard for me to like move forward in relationships and, you know, commit
to those
sort of environments.
I mean, it's just, oh, it's almost like impossible.
It's almost impossible for me to even, um, like make that connection and like
believe that
it's, I don't know if this is going to make sense, but in my, but in my,
in my, in my brain, like believe that it's going to work out, I guess.
I don't know.
I don't know, man.
It's just really hard for me to commit, you know, and I don't even think it's
not that I
don't want to.
I think it's just that I, it's like, I get to these walls where I can't, it's
like, I
don't even know how to, you know, just even just, you know, the idea of having
a girlfriend
just makes me just panicked, you know, it's just like, you know, and some of it
could come
from, you know, growing up and just having a tough, you know, not a strong
connection with
my mother.
That connection drove me bananas or whatever, you know, I don't know, you know,
I'm figuring
some of that out now, but, but yeah, just, you know, when I had an instance, I
was talking
with this girl and, you know, she could, she wasn't feeling that good about
herself and
I know all she wanted me to do was say, oh, you know, you're, you, you're
pretty, you know,
she was feeling bad about her looks, you know, and, um, and I couldn't say it,
man.
Like I couldn't, I know that's what she wanted.
All she wanted was just me.
She wasn't fishing for a compliment, you know, but I know I could just tell
that it would have
made her feel good if I'd have said, you know, oh, you know, look, I think, you
know, I think
you're very pretty, you know, and it was easy.
I knew I had, I knew that's what my job was as a human at that moment.
Um, but I just couldn't, it was like, I was so scared that if I like let this
person,
if I'm, if I helped make this person feel good, that, um, that they would, they
would know
that then I would be responsible for making them feel good again.
And it's like, maybe I didn't have enough.
I wasn't really, like, I couldn't, I didn't know if I could do that, you know,
it's almost
like I didn't trust myself enough to, um, to make myself the type of person who
would
make them feel good.
Um, you k