Name: 11-13-17 | This Past Weekend #51
Uploaded: 2017-11-14T07:19:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-13-17 | This Past Weekend #51' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-13-17 | This Past Weekend #51' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-14. Transcript available.

11-13-17 | This Past Weekend #51

You know it.
You know it.
Oh, happy Monday, November 13th.
And that is a recording done by the one and only Tiny Sand Who.
Tiny Sand Who dropped us another recording through the email.
And I want to thank you, Tiny Sand Who, whatever you are.
You know, I thought about this the other day.
I'm thinking to myself, well, dude, what is a Tiny Sand Who?
You know, have you ever been around one?
Do you know a Tiny Sand Who?
What is it?
You know, what is it?
It's an animal.
You know, it's a sapling.
You know, it's a, you know, it's a, it's a, you know, it's something that's,
you know, like a small wiener.
What is it?
It's something you can pet.
It's something you can't pet.
What is a Tiny Sand Who?
And I have no idea.
I have no idea.
I have no idea.
But if you don't know, if you, if you, if you, if you want to think about what
a Tiny Sand Who is, you go ahead and think about it as well.
Because anybody can think about anything.
Because anybody can think about anything.
That's one thing I know for sure.
You know what I'm saying?
Boy, I'll be thinking about things.
People could say, you can't do this, you can't do that.
But when you look inside of my head, if you could see the picture shows that's
going on.
Because I'd be thinking about it all.
But there he is, whatever that beautiful animal is, Tiny Sand Who playing a
little bit of Guns N' Roses Paradise City underwater.
And it had me thinking, where's my paradise city?
You know, am I always going to live in, you know, in turmoil?
Am I always going to live, you know, in uncertainty?
Or am I going to choose the next time that I, you know, step out of my truck or
step off of my bed in the morning?
You know?
Am I going to choose that, okay, today, wherever my feet are, this is my
paradise city, you know?
Because it can be your promised land if you make it your promised land, you
know?
And sometimes it just starts with a promise to yourself that your perception
and the way you look at things is going to be a little bit brighter.
Because trust me, I drug around a dirty, dirty sack of bad attitudes for at
least 15 years.
More, maybe even more.
If I could remember more years of my life, I would say definitely more.
And so I know what it's like to carry that negative attitude and that negative
energy around.
And I don't recommend it.
I don't recommend it to anyone.
I honestly do not.
Thank you guys for joining me, man.
I'm so happy to be here.
It is Monday, November 13th.
Thank you guys for joining me on this past weekend.
Man, I had a wild one.
Man, I had a wild one.
I have to let you know that I will be in Huntsville, Alabama this Thursday, the
16th through Sunday, the 19th.
Friday night, I'm just featuring for a local gentleman.
They have a special show going on, but I will be on stage.
But if you're going to come out just to see me, I recommend Thursday, Saturday,
Sunday.
As well, I want to let you know and thank you, Gray Block Pizza.
That's Gray Block Pizza in Santa Monica.
Ooh, Los Angeles.
They say you don't got pizza.
Guess what?
You do.
Gray Block Pizza.
Good as it gets.
Tastes like you've had it before.
It'll make your mouth wish that it was a stomach.
Because after you swallow it, your mouth gets greedy that it only had it for
such a short time.
And then your stomach's going to be holding on to it for a while.
That's Gray Block Pizza.
But I'm here.
I'm coming to you from Laughlin, Nevada.
Do you even know that?
Don't assume where I'm at.
Okay?
I'm coming to you from Laughlin, Nevada.
Or Nevada.
Drove up here yesterday to do a show at a church.
And it was at St. John.
I believe it was at St. John Church.
Dude, I thought it was going to go swimmingly.
And it went off the rails.
I mean, I thought it was going to be in like a side room of a church, right?
You think you're getting a gig at a church.
And look, I can handle it.
People, you know, think my material is super edgy sometimes.
But a lot of it's not, you know?
I got a lot of great, you know, I can tell the stories and, you know, and share
stuff from my childhood.
And I can keep people, you know, intertwined like that and intertuned into what's
going on.
But man, I got in there.
And it was in the actual church, dude, where like the reverend and the preacher,
the pastor, where he preaches, you know?
It was in his doghouse right there at the front.
And next thing you know, I get up.
I'm telling a few jokes.
And I use the word erect.
Erect.
And erect is when your penis starts looking around for something.
You know, for some other crotch.
You know, or even, hell, if it's been a long time, it could be your own crotch.
You know, or even if it's like your penis heard something in the distance, you
know?
Sometime even if your penis, you know, that's what it is, though.
And I said erect.
And some people walked out.
And I mean, look, I don't blame them.
You know, I'm saying erect.
I'm in a church.
But man, it didn't go swimmingly.
So then I had to stop telling jokes, right?
So suddenly one of the parishioners in the crowd just raises their hand and
asks a question.
So now we started into a conversation, right?
And then I get people laughing.
They're asking questions.
I'm sharing things from my life, just experience from my own life.
We get it going.
And I really feel a lot of gratitude because those people saved the day.
Instead of sitting there and being miserable about what was going on, you know,
about, well, this guy's up here, you know, dropping erection words into the air.
They decided to be like, well, let's get involved and let's, you know, let's
change the vibe.
And I was able to be, you know, open enough to change the vibe.
And we kept the energy going.
And then for about 30 minutes, we did a Q&A that was full of laughter and joy.
A lot of the people were senior citizens.
And, you know, I grew up with a senior citizen.
My father was a senior citizen when I was born.
My father born in 1910.
And so suddenly I had this ground to really relate to them on and we were all
just sharing stories.
And it turned out being a pretty good experience.
But at first it was a really bad experience.
I mean, I was sweating, sweating in front of about 100 people in the small
church that asked me to come and perform.
And, well, you know, sometimes you get gigs like that.
That's the thing.
You know, I've had gigs where I flew into, you know, Guantanamo Bay and I got
to do some shows there one time.
It was, you know, amazing.
And then sometimes you have gigs where you are sweating in front of people at a
church and they're coming to your aid.
You know, man.
So that was, that just happened this evening here in Laughlin, Nevada.
Good people.
And one of them started talking about rheumatism during the show.
You know, we're talking to each other because at the end it was cute.
Like I could not tell any more jokes.
I was so afraid to tell any jokes that I was going to really offend someone.
So, and one of the seniors mentioned rheumatism.
And I don't know what rheumatism is.
You know, and I was like, well, is it like when you're in a room and, you know,
you're really scared?
You know, you're like scared of being in that room.
And they were laughing.
And then I was like, because if it is, that's what I have right now.
I have rheumatism.
Because, man, I was, it was one of the toughest moments I've had in a show.
That's, that's for sure.
What else, man?
Oh, I went to Repticon this weekend.
And Repticon, that's reptiles.
And con men, which are really people, it's not con men, it's people that sell
reptiles.
You know, but they're definitely trying to two for one, three for one, you know,
throwing in a salamander, you know, throw in a swirly frog, you know, throw in
a, you know, one of these little Buster Douglas geckos, you know.
I'm like, is that, it's real, is that a scientific name?
He's like, it's all black, you know, it's a little bit blue around the eyes.
It's a Buster Douglas gecko.
And I'm like, well, I guess Buster Douglas might have had some different, you
know, it was unique skin tints, but that seemed like a wild name.
But I got to watch some tarantulas have sex.
And that, that's alarming, dude.
That's alarming.
When you see tarantulas, first thing I noticed about a tarantula was they, if
you hold on to a tarantula, you can barely feel it in your hand.
You can barely feel a tarantula.
And it can be sneaking around on your skin and you don't even know.
It can be just kind of bouncing around on your skin and you don't even know.
Like it's looking for Easter candy.
I mean, and dude, they, there's something about them where you, I mean, it felt
like this motherfucker knew me and knew that I had cheated on some of my taxes
before.
That's exactly what this thing, the second they kept putting it on me, it would
go straight up, try to go straight up on like it was going from my heart.
You know, like it was trying to, like it was going to go inside of me or
something and see what was going on inside of me.
Very scary.
Very, very scary for me.
You know, them tarantulas or ranches, you know, or chulas.
Some people call them chulas, but I think that that might even be racially
offensive to Latinos.
I don't know if it is, but it felt like it was when I was saying it, you know.
Let me get them chulas, you know, and look at these chulas fucking because we
got to watch them have sex.
I was down there working for the chive.
I was doing stuff for the chive and the chive is a, is a vegetable.
You know, that's Ditch Onions, but it's also a website where you can look at
breasts and pictures of cats and animals and fun stuff like that.
And I was down there doing some work for them and we went to Repticon.
Man, dude, the people that work at these conventions.
I don't know if anybody ever been involved in a convention, but the people that
work at conventions, dude, it's wild.
You know, they're, a lot of them are on, they're drinking, they're on uppers,
you know, you know, they're in the back hitting, you know, balming up their insides
with that dust, you know, getting funny on that puff puff, you know, they're
doing it all.
You know, a lot of them are back there just re-spackling their innards with
that freaking Kool-Aid powder.
You know what I'm saying?
And that's that shit that'll make you, that'll make a jug of, that'll make a
jug of sugar water, you know, come crashing through your wall, you know.
Kool-Aid, man.
Remember that commercial?
Kool-Aid, man, can.
Well, a lot of these people that work at these, at these shows and these, you
know, these, these things are like that.
They do, a lot of them are on uppers.
So you'd be in the bathroom and these people out there, you know, they're
popping little quail uppers and, you know, quailudes and, you know, buzz saws
and freaking whisper bears or whatever they need to get it in their system to
stay awake.
You know, that cocaine, you know, that orange juice powder, whatever they're
doing.
You know what I'm saying?
That freaking, they're back there snorting, you know, snorting fucking dried up
starburst crust and all kinds of shit like that.
Just to make themselves feel, get that high.
But then they're out there slinging snakes and reptiles.
Dude, one guy had this little bin, this little Rubbermaid bin, had about 200
baby tarantulas in it.
Think about that.
Dude, they were so little.
Man, I was, look, I was scared.
Like in the beginning we got there and they had a, you know, had to hold a
snake and look, I've been around snakes, you know.
When I was growing up, one of my best friends used to, uh, um, he was best
friend for a little while and he was also a real angry boy in our town.
And he used to always go catch snake because he couldn't say S.
So he used to go catch snake and he'd make you go catch snake with him.
And he would get piffed if you didn't go catch snake.
So dude, he'd be like, come on, man, we're going to get some snake.
And I did not want to go with this dude, but I did not want to get beaten by
him either.
So the fear that I felt as a child having to hunt s