Name: 11-16-17 Nerves and Diversity | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #52
Uploaded: 2017-11-16T07:51:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-16-17 Nerves and Diversity | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #52' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-16-17 Nerves and Diversity | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #52' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-16. Transcript available.

11-16-17 Nerves and Diversity | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #52

Okay, oh my, this shirt makes it look like I don't even have a neck.
Okay, let's get that, and, uh, what do you think about this?
Yeah, yeah, okay, gotta celebrate the dark times, cause the light can flicker
in your
life. The light can flicker on your, on your life. You're not guaranteed a
hundred watt
life. You know, you can't think that you can't, you can act like it, but you
can't be infected
with the idea or with more really the affliction that life is supposed to be a
hundred watt
that you are guaranteed a hundred watt life because that's not realistic. You
know, life
is often just maybe 80 watt. And if you can live at 80 watt, man, then you are
really, I
mean, you're living under a beautiful lamp of existence, I think. And that's
just my thoughts.
It is Thursday, November 16, the year 2017s, and we are on earth. And welcome
to, uh, this
past Thursday. Uh, I'm happy to be here with you guys. I'm wearing a, it's kind
of like
a sweatshirt and I just, I'm just saw my reflection on it on this camera and I
just feel inferior
because it just kind of feel, I'm having one of those days. Honestly, I'm
having one of those
days. It just highlights the lack of distance in my neck, that my neck don't
have that reach
that I've always wanted. You know, you kind of wish sometimes that you, one of
your great,
great grandparents fucked a giraffe. So you might have that extra inch up top.
You know,
you might have that, you know, your neck looks like it could dunk a ball. You
know, I don't
have that neck. Uh, good to be here. Thank you guys for joining me. Brief
announcements,
Huntsville, Alabama. I'll be seeing you, uh, tonight through Sunday night. So
Friday night,
I'm just featuring for another man that's local there, but come on out. If you
have a
friend in Huntsville, tell them to come on out as well. Thank you to gray block
pizza as
always. Great place to get ahead of that pie here in Los Angeles and, uh,
coming soon, uh,
a new shop in Portland, Oregon. Yeah, man, I had a tough, I had a tough day. I
know you
don't want to hear about my tough day. So we'll hear about, you know, we got
some good
follow-up calls. You know, one of the topics that was brought up, um, on the
last episode
was do black men get nervous, you know, and do black people get nervous? I
guess. I mean,
I haven't spent, you know, uh, I mean, black people to me have always been,
seemed extremely
confident, you know, and so last time on the episode, um, we talked about that
a little
bit. And so we had some great calls that came in from you guys. So we're going
to listen
to some of that, uh, what's going on in the news, the Louis CK stuff. I want to
comment
on it, but I don't know if I'm going to get to that today. Uh, if not, I'll
make sure to
follow up on it, uh, on the next week's episode and also got to let some of the
more of the
information come out and things that's going on, you know, um, but it's a wild
man.
It's a scary time, uh, to be a man in a lot of, in a lot of places. And I don't
know if
it's like that in the rest of the country, but here in Los Angeles, it
definitely feels
that way. You know, I'm on a lot of text chains where, you know, men are scared,
scared, scared
that, you know, if someone who doesn't like them comes out and says something,
um, that
it could damage their career, their future, or also that if they did something,
um, I haven't
had any friends come to me and say, Hey Theo, I did this and I'm scared it's
going to come
out. But I could imagine that, um, that men who have, you know, who've, you
know, done some
ice cold activities that they could be, that they could be worried. You know, I
really could
imagine that. Um, I heard a crazy rumor today that, uh, someone's going to make
accusations
against James Franco. And that's going to be coming out next. You know, I heard
that
today. Uh, is that true? I don't know. You know, there's a lot of rumors going
around
out here in Hollywood, but that's what I heard that he has a movie coming out.
And that before
that someone is going to drop that, uh, drop a accusation in order to put him
on the rocks.
Now that could be total fiction. You know, I don't know. I'm just sharing, uh,
stuff that
I've heard, you know, cause it's scary. It's a scary time. Even for dudes that
aren't getting
any, I'm sure there's dudes who have just been in their apartment for a decade,
just
J O into themselves wondering if, you know, maybe one night they accidentally
shot a load
out a window and it might've, you know, landed on a shoulder dropped on a woman
who was going
to get some groceries or, or visiting or, or, you know, or putting some stuff
in the recycling
bin, you know? Um, but I think overall that it's, it's change is always, it's
always good.
You know, I think this kind of stuff is going to clear some of the air. And
when I think about
what some women have been through sometimes, it's just got to be pretty dark,
you know,
cause every dude have nuts on him. And in a man's nuts is a little bit of fire.
You know, in a man's nuts is a little bit of fire. And sometime that fire grows
and sometime that fire
waits, you know, and that's wild to think of, you know, it's also, it's part of
the, you know,
it's part of the, what makes us, you know, humanity and existence and, and, uh,
and the big bang and
everything. It's part of what makes all that work, you know, is that that fire
exists inside of a man's
crotch and nuts. But, but, you know, it's, you know, it's half of the element
cause you gotta have
the fire and then you gotta have, um, something that will, that will mate with
the fire, you know,
the kindling, you know, and, uh, scientifically that's what the, you know, that's
the woman,
you know, it's like, you have this dance between the fire and the kindling
until, and then the flame
creates, you know, that spark in the kindling. But it's wild when you got a
fella, you know,
some dudes running around out there, just a bunch of Luigi's just slinging fireballs
off into the
distance, you know, hoping it just lands on some random lady, you know, passing
by or laying out
at a beach or, or just having a conversation. There's some wildness going on.
It's the dark arts.
That's what it is. And I'm going to tell you guys before we even get into the
rest of this episode,
what I want you, what I would love to have more calls in about are the dark
arts because the holidays
are coming up. And if you don't think that I'm a holiday boy, then you're wrong.
Okay. My God,
dude, I swear to you, when I was young for, for, uh, for my birthday, my mom
was like, what kind of
shoes do you want? Do you want high tops? And I said, no, I want, um, those,
those, uh, Christmas
stockings. That's what I want. And she's, you can't, those aren't shoes. She
goes, those are just
for, you know, the gifts at Christmas, but for probably about eight months, I
wore Christmas
stockings as my socks, you know, popping up out of my K Swiss's and popping up
out of my BK nights.
And I, you know, I loved Christmas so much that I wore Christmas stockings on
my feet. And that's
truly wild. You know, when you really think about that activity. Um, but it's
good to be here with you
guys, man. And, uh, and I want you to call in, if you've been, you know, if you've
got an affliction
of the dark arts, we had some good stories that came in this week about the
dark arts and the dark
arts is if you've had an affliction, you know, you caught up in the masturbation
or you've been
caught up in the, you know, getting into the seedy forces of dark nature, you
know, or when you feel
that little thing, just tickling at the top, when you feel the devil just licking
the top of your
spinal column, whatever action you then take, it could be anything, you know,
you could be taping
razor blades to a Frisbee and throwing that thing into, into a, you know, out
towards a, um, a bunch of
majorettes, you know, out there dancing with their, uh, you know, flag team or
whatever. Or you could be,
you know, you could be drinking gasoline and then, um, you know, urinating, um,
in somebody's car
trunk and throw a match in there just to see if gas can make it through your
body and see if you
could fuck their trunk up. You know, there's a lot of things you can be doing
that are the dark arts.
And I want you guys to share some stories because I want us to purge ourselves
and I want us to get
us, I want the, I want us to get this out of our system because we're about to
come into the
holidays. You know, we've got to come into a time of reflection, a time of
gratitude, a time of
thanks. And when we get there, I want us to be, um, empty. I want us to be
empty of the things of
these plagues that are within us. I really do. And I think we can do it, man. I
think we can do it,
dude. Man, my buddy had a cat that could eat Skittles. Can you believe that
shit? My buddy had a cat
that could eat Skittles when I was young. And I mean, eat them. I just don't
mean you, you know,
you could, you know, kind of rustle one into it. I mean, eat them, eat them. So
that's pretty wild.
But yeah, we want to get, we want to get those dark arts out. So this, uh,
coming episode is going
to be a little bit, a little bit about those dark arts, uh, the one for next
week. But this week we
had a lot of good calls, man, that came in and we're talking about it. And you
know, the saddest
thing, I, uh, I didn't get any calls from any black listeners. And so we may
not have any black
listeners. And that's a little bit scary to me. Uh, so I, my goal, this and
this next couple of days
is to find some black friends and get them to call in and, uh, give a couple of
two cents
on how nervous, uh, do black people get? Because to me, it seemed like black
people never got nervous
growing up and more specifically black men. Uh, because those are the people
that I was around
the most, you know, I was in a group when I was young called NFL. And, um, that
was when I was in,
um, fifth and sixth grade, maybe seventh grade. And you can guess what the N
stood for. I'm not
allowed to say the word. Um, little Wayne can say it, you know, if they, you
know, throws any hints
out the window, but, uh, but, you know, I would notice that my friends did not
get nervous. You know,
my friends within that group did not get nervous. We had the ears pierced and
the, you know,
the Chicago white socks hat, you know, we wrote NFL on our shirts and, uh, and,
uh, and on our necks
with, um, with charcoal and with lipstick sometimes, uh, dark lipstick. Cause
one of my friends,
uh, mother wore dark, dark lipstick because she had moles on her lips and she
tried to cover them up,
but let's get into some calls, man. That was the topic. And, uh, I got some of
you guys' thoughts.
So here we go. Hey, what's up, Theo? This is Taylor, uh, from South Carolina,
but what's up,
Taylor from South Carolina, you know, I used to go to college of Charleston
there, right there in
Charleston, South Carolina. And I was bouncer. I was a bouncer back in the day
when I used to be on
performance enhancing drugs. And they apparently enhanced my performance so
well that I was able
to barely make minimum wage working, uh, the front door at an Irish bar. So the,
um, this boy came in
there one time with my brother's ID, he used a fake ID from Louisiana to get
into this bar. And it
happened to be my brother's, which is so bizarre because I barely even knew my
brother very well at
that time in my life. And then to see his picture pop up right in front of me,
um, that was pretty
wild, man. It was pretty, uh, anyway, onward. Let's hear some more.
I'm living on Hollywood now. So I throw my two cents in on this little, uh,
black dudes getting
nervous thing.
Okay. Thank you for calling. Let's hear more.
And so, uh, so I used to be a real big hater on Kanye.
Oh man, I thought you were going to say, so I used to be a black dude. I was
going to be like,
this is going to be good. Um, used to be a big hater on Kanye. Okay. I'm
guessing Kanye West.
Let's hear mor