Name: 11-20-17 Dark Arts Spectacular | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #53
Uploaded: 2017-11-21T16:16:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-20-17 Dark Arts Spectacular | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #53' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-20-17 Dark Arts Spectacular | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #53' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-21. Transcript available.

11-20-17 Dark Arts Spectacular | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #53

this past weekend
look man sometimes if we want to grow we got to start small
let's start with a little tiny sand who
that's tiny sand who he's sending another beautiful riff right there
and that's that dirty riff raffian man that freaking riffopotamus mr tiny sand
who himself
And who is he? Who is he? We don't know. The jury's still out. You know, he's
an email that
hit my inbox, and ever since then, the correspondence has been nothing but
sheer fire. Just sheer
freaking flames. And Tiny Sand, who, when he hits that inbox, I know. I mean,
dude, it's just like
a damn morphine drip, and I want more and more and more, and I'm fiending and fiending
and fiending,
and I'm more fiending for that Tiny Sand who, and that was him right there,
always on the run,
whoever he is. Is he a mother? Is he a father? Is he a, uh, is he a little
wizard? What is he? Is he
made out of paper mache? Is he a dragon? Does he own a dragon? What does he own?
A cat? A pet? A circus
mouse? Oh, this is a little circus mouse. Tiny Sand who could be doing many
things out there, but
he's choosing to send in music from the great beyond, whatever. He lives in a
sand dune.
Where's he from? India? Indiana? Where is he from? What does he drink? Coffee?
Water? Syrup?
What's he just hiding? Just, what does he do? Just hide starbursts under his
tongue all day?
And just let the, and just get that slow melt into his jowls? That just, that
slow secretion of that
sugar water? Just catching that fire flavor right up under his tongue? What
does he do? We don't know.
He is Tiny Sand who. Let me catch another dab off that riff. Go, Tiny.
Beating that, beating that thing like it, like it owes him something. That's
Tiny Sand who,
welcome to this past weekend. It is Monday, November 20th. And I am Theo Vaughn
coming to you
from Huntsville, Alabama. If you're not familiar with Huntsville, it's a place.
It's a place down here in northern Alabama. And it's got a unique vibe to it,
man.
You know, it has, it has, it has the largest collection of pre-Civil War homes.
I don't know if you know that or not. Mansions, pre-Civil War mansions. The,
the most of them
are here in, in Huntsville. It was once the watercrest capital of the world.
So if you're into exotic vegetables that don't really do nothing, then, then
this might be
a place you want to stop into. But I've had a good time here this weekend.
Um, you know, I had a good time. I didn't do that much though. You know, I
really didn't take
advantage of my time, um, as much as I could have. So I'm feeling a little bit
less, you know,
less than cavalier about that. You know, I could have been out high horsing,
you know, and living out
there and doing things locally, you know, buying artwork or, you know, maybe
even donating blood or
doing something fancy, you know, or trying to be part of the bright arts, you
know. But I didn't do
too much, man. I got caught into a, into a vein of, um, oh, can you hear that
train going by?
You hear that? Can y'all hear that train?
Can you hear it? Maybe you can't hear it, but they got a train going by, man. I'm
right here
about the train tracks. There's a lot, a lot of trains go through here. Um, but,
uh, yeah,
I didn't do too much, man. You know, I took it easy and I didn't really take
care of myself that
great. I didn't do no drugs. I didn't do no alcohol, but I did get caught up,
um, you know,
just not doing anything good for myself, not doing anything super positive. I
did to do two yogas,
yogas by Adrian. Now, if you go on YouTube and you want to do some yoga and you
don't have money to
get to the class or you can't afford a mat, they have a teacher on their yoga
by Adrian and it's a
woman. I think she's single and she is, uh, she has a dog named Benji and they
do yoga.
They teach you all types of yoga and it's free right there on the YouTube. But
I had a nice time
overall had a nice time, man. And we've got a special episode for you today. We're
going to get into the
dark arts. We've been talking about it. We've been talking about, uh, emptying
our bread baskets,
you know, of this yeast infection that is the darkness within us. And we're
going to drop that off.
Outside of the shop, you know, so we can mosey around through the universe with
our hearts open,
you know, you hear that train? Boy, that's what I'm talking about.
This train country. I don't know if you ever spent time around a train, but
damn boy.
I mean, if you haven't, if you haven't been on a train, you haven't seen much,
dude.
You know, I used to take the Greyhound, uh, from New Orleans up to, um, Champaign,
Illinois,
when I was 11 and 12 and 13 years old. And my brother and I would ride up on
that train with
the Masons. And you'd have always have a lot of Masons and a lot of black men
and a lot of preachers
on there and preachers families. And, um, everybody riding on there and
spending time, you know,
only had one lady in one of the little train car or the little, you know, you
could get an overnight
thing and she's in there selling her body, you know, selling a little bit of
sex, a little train
sex. And if you was in all of that, then you could get in all that. But that
was something.
Speaking of trains, I went and saw Midnight on the Orient Express or whatever
it is, murder
on the Orient Express. Save your money. All right. Boring. I'd rather take an
Amtrak.
I'd rather spend $30 on an Amtrak. Probably better crime, better mysteries. You
know, if
you want to get involved in a little bit of the dark arts, you take an Amtrak.
Because
man, it is dim. It is dim living in some of those, uh, train cars and some of
that environment.
But good to be here. Thank you guys for joining me. Uh, I was in Huntsville,
Alabama. These
people love football. Dude, I've never seen anything like it. Okay. Uh, I mean,
I know
I grew up and, you know, I went to LSU for a while. I went to University of
Arizona. You
know, I saw some of these, you know, different football schools, but I never
saw anything
like this. Friday night. Um, so I was here Thursday through Sunday and it's
Sunday night
right now. And now it's about midnight and I'm dropping this. Um, so I can
catch that flight
in the morning to head back to Los Angeles. So I can start celebrating these
holidays because
it's Turkey time. If you do Turkey or if you don't do Turkey, whatever. If you
vegan, if
you're not vegan, you regular, you unleaded, you diabetic, you dying, whatever,
you know, short neck,
long neck, Turkey time. You know, if you like giblets, you like something. You
like pumpkin
pie, coconut cream, whatever you want. We got your thing. You know, we got all
that because
it's coming in hot. You're going to see your family. You know, we've got a lot
of seasonal
activity starting up, flaring up. But, uh, but I was here this weekend. They
were, and everybody
came out for the football, man. I mean, people came out and they came out
because on Friday they had this
guy named funny, man, Jermaine, funny, man, Johnson, and he makes YouTube
videos about Alabama
football. Right. And I'm thinking, well, yeah, you know, people will come. They're
excited to see him
perform. Uh, he sold the place out wall to wall, two shows. Um, people just
wanted to come. He would
do some comedy, you know, he's decent, decent, uh, decent comedian, you know,
and, um, and not belittling
him. I don't think he would say he's great. Uh, but then he would answer
questions about U of A
football and man, it was, people loved it, you know? And it was interesting
because he was, it's a,
he's a black man, Jermaine, funny, man, Johnson, and it was an all white
audience for the most part,
I would say 98% Caucasian. And it just, it was neat, man. It was cool. You know,
it just showed me
that there are a lot of things that bring different races together in the South.
You know, people always
want to give the South a bad name or, you know, give it this racial, you know,
this darkness to it.
But I'll tell you this, man, this was the bright arts going on because this man
sold 700 tickets,
you know, to see people, for people to come out and listen to him talk about
football.
So, uh, I mean, it was just great to see, man. It was great to be a part of it.
And I had to feature.
I didn't have to, but I, they asked me if I wanted to feature that meant open
up for him.
So he was headlining Friday night and man, it was a test of, it was humility,
man. You know, it put me
back in, uh, you know, cause you want to be the headliner. You want to be the
main show. You want, you
know, you want to be that big barker. You don't want to be that middle whistle.
You want to be that
big barker. You know, if you bite and you don't want to be them front teeth,
you want to be them
molars. And he was, he was the molars and I was the front teeth. And so it was,
uh, it was a
testimony of humility. At first I didn't like it. It didn't feel well on me. It
made me feel,
um, a little bit less than it made me feel unsuccessful. Um, but after I ate,
swallowed
those thoughts, I realized that, look, I got a chance to go out here and make,
you know, 500,
600 new fans that have not seen me perform maybe before. And, uh, and I went
out and did
it, man. You know, I just had to swallow my ego and that was good, man. I think
I needed
that. I think we always, any chance we get to, um, to feel some humility,
especially in
this, in this, in this me universe, I think it's always pretty solid. So that
was good,
man. We had a good time out there doing those shows. Um, and the South is just
different,
man. It's just, I forget what it's like even in some of these environments. I
mean, this is
Bible Belt right around here. This is the damn buckle, you know, this is the
dang buckle,
you know, and I love, uh, you know, and I love that environment. You know, I
grew up
in some church environments and, you know, I love seeing people, um, you know,
have that
as part of their lives. I think it's a great, I think it's a, it's great to
have, um, the
infusion of a higher power in your life. I don't think you can go wrong with it.
Uh, so it was
nice to be around some of that, you know, but man, uh, physical fitness,
probably second
or third on the pendulum here. You know, I was going for a jog. This fella
pulls up in
his truck, you know, asked me if something's wrong. I'm just jogging. I was
like, huh? He's
like, what you, what you running from? Like running from diabetes, dude, I'm
just out here
jogging. You know, I'm trying to get my fitness up. I'm trying to keep my sugar
down and my lip
is low and I'm trying to get my fitness up, but that was some cool. That was
some good
stuff. So man, some good activity. And, uh, we got a bunch of calls from you
guys for the
dark arts. And so I'm going to slowly, you know, meander into those, but I do
want to
thank, uh, our, our charter sponsor. That's gray block pizza and that's G R E Y
B L O C K
pizza.com in Los Angeles. You know what I'm saying? Just pull over there off Pico
Boulevard,
headed to the beach. Stop in, open your mouth and get that hitter. Get that hitter.
Gray block
pizza, man. Good food for your face. And, um, and I'm, I'm feeling okay, man. I
wish I would
have done a little bit more with my week, you know, sometimes when I get out of
here on the
road, I get down in the dizzies, you know, I get down in the dumps, you know,
you're out
here, you're by yourself, you know, I mean, I guess I'm just grateful that I
didn't, you
know, do anything stupid cause I was bored, you know, cause sometimes out of
boredom,
you can. Um, but that wasn't me this weekend. So I can show some gratitude for
that. Uh,
I was going to go to the rocket center. You know, they have the space and
rocket center
here and I love astronaut ice cream. You know, I mean, I go to space just for
the fucking ice
crumb. You know, I go to damn orbit just for the desserts. I love astronaut ice
cream. If
you never had it, it's this dried out ice cream comes in these pouches,
different flavors.
And if you're thinking of somethin