Name: 11-23-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #54
Uploaded: 2017-11-23T17:16:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-23-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #54' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-23-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #54' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-23. Transcript available.

11-23-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #54

This past weekend...
You know it, huh?
What is that?
Boy, that's a turkey!
You know that soon we're gonna die.
Let's have some fun while we all die.
My friend, you tell them to step aside.
Because you gotta eat.
This Thanksgiving time.
And this is a beautiful time of year.
And this is a Thanksgiving episode of this past weekend.
November 23rd in 2017.
Planet Earth.
Galaxy.
Alpha One.
I think we're in Alpha One.
I still need to look that up.
I need to do a little bit of galaxy research.
You know, and I will do that as soon as I get around to it.
I got other stuff to Google.
And I'm trying to unsubscribe from a lot of emails.
From different banking establishments.
But thank you guys for being here.
Happy, happy Thanksgiving to you.
To your families.
To your loved ones.
And to the people you hate.
And that's something I'm trying to do right now in my life.
Is prop up these people that I hate.
Because man, I be hating, dude.
Dude, if you tapped...
If you put a spigot in the side of me.
And you spilled something out into a cup.
And you taste it.
I bet that would be just a dang...
Probably at least a half pint of hater sauce.
Because it's easy for me to hate, man.
But today I'm thinking about gratitude.
I'm thinking about being thankful.
And I just want to say that I'm thankful for you guys.
I'm thankful for the support.
That song was by Spencer Jacob Grau.
Spencer Jacob Grau.
And as I look right now into my emails.
And I see Spencer Jacob Grau.
About nine months ago.
I get an email from this beautiful man.
Here's the intro music.
And he says, "Music for you to use."
That's what he said.
Music for you to use.
We call "Celebrate."
And that's a song that he sent in.
And I'm thankful to him.
So I'm thankful for that.
I'm thankful I got a producer helping me out today.
By the name of Bud Galloway.
And he's a young man.
Pretty symmetrical looking fella.
Looks like he could maybe be a mountain climber or something.
Who knows.
But Bud Galloway.
At least coming in today.
Young Bud Galloway.
And I'm thankful for that.
Fella hit me up off the internet.
And what are you thankful for today?
Are you thinking about it?
Are you thinking about it?
Because I'll list some things off.
I will list some things off that I'm thankful for.
Because if you can't think of something you're thankful for.
That's on you, Pat-Pat.
Okay?
Even a senior citizen can think of something that they are thankful for.
Go wake up a senior citizen.
I dare you to.
I dare you to.
And after they get past the fear of realizing they're still alive.
Ask them something they're thankful for.
And they will know some things.
A senior citizen is usually full of gratitude.
Unless they have gone past that latitude of gratitude.
And gone out and just into the depths.
You know?
And let's say out into the depths.
Where all they can do is just, you know, beg you to kill them on the side of
the dinner table.
You know?
And we used to have a great, great something.
I don't even know who he was.
I don't even think he was related to us.
I think he was just so old that he started coming around.
And I think he might have tricked my dad and, you know, or somebody in our
family into realizing he was related to us.
You know?
Because with my dad being so old when I was growing up, you know, you'd have
men that was, you know, if a 90-year-old stopped by, you know, you'd just
assume that dad knew him.
You know?
But this old man kind of tricked us into thinking we was related to him.
He'd come by for the holidays.
And he was probably, he could have been anywhere from 90 to maybe 130.
And he used to beg us to end his misery after dinner.
And that always kind of shook me a little bit.
And here's what made me think, though, is like, yeah, oh, you're eating first,
but then you're trying to get, you know, get one of the local children and, you
know, knock you off.
You know, it always was a little bit ironic to me that the man chose to imbibe
in dinner first before he started looking for death.
So I don't know if he really wanted to die, if he just didn't like digestion.
You know, maybe at that age he didn't like, you know, having to go to the
bathroom by himself or something.
I don't know.
It's wild.
But I know that that man was so old, we just believed he was related to us and
he would come around and eat.
You know, Sergeant, what was it?
Henry, I think it was named Sergeant Henry.
That's what, that's what everybody called him.
Sergeant.
And he would come and eat with us.
And, and then on the side of the dinner table, he would beg us to knock him off
or, you know, put a pillow over him or something.
But anyhow, Happy Thanksgiving, you know, and that's Thanksgiving.
It's not always just prim and proper and everything.
You know, and if you don't have any turkey this time of year, I'll tell you
what you can eat.
You can catch a hit of that Gray Block pizza.
You know, one of our sponsors, happy to have them, always happy to have Gray
Block.
You know, if you're in Los Angeles and your stomach's empty, change it up.
Treat your stomach to something fancy, something good, something filling.
Hit that Gray Block pizza on Pico Boulevard on the way to the beach.
Catch that hit up.
I'm thankful to them for coming on this year.
I'm thankful to all the Patreoners.
Let's be Patreonist, huh?
You guys want to do that?
But if you can't think of some things for Thanksgiving, man, I'm going to label
some things for you, okay?
I'm going to label some things for you right out of the frickin' gizzy.
Here's something.
Hair.
Do you have hair?
Well, are you grateful for it?
Are you just running around thinking you're going to have hair forever?
Because I'll tell you this, if you're a young buck, and you got a lot of hair
on your head,
if you're out there cock-a-doodling, you know, and peacocking, and showing
strands,
whoo, you better enjoy that time.
Find you a woman now.
Because once that hair starts, you know, leaving, anything can happen.
Once that hair starts leaving, anything can happen.
You might end up, you know, having to work at a circus.
You might end up, you know, having to change the style of women that you like.
Dating real, real short, short, short women.
Because sometimes they'll go for the, you know, men that are missing hair.
So if you got that hair, get you something now.
My mother used to date this man, Charlie, Mr. Charlie.
And he was in some of the wars.
And he started losing hair, but he grew his eyebrows out.
The man had eyebrows like a damn, he had eyebrows like a, you know, like an
Italian, you know,
just like an Italian carpet salesman.
The dude had huge eyebrows.
I mean, I bet if you'd have cut the hair off of each brow, probably weighed
about a thirtieth of a pound.
And he had huge eyebrows.
And that man started combing his eyebrows back into his hair.
Because that's how much a man wants to have hair.
So if you have hair on your head, that's something you need to be grateful for.
You know, take care of it.
Shine it.
Do whatever you got to do.
Sing to it.
Put a speaker next to your pillar at night.
Play a little bit of the Beatles.
You know, something low key, something meditative for your scalp.
Don't take it for granted.
Because hair is a beautiful free accoutrement from the Lord.
You know, that's God's top curtain that you're running around with.
And you need to have some gratitude.
Don't just be, let me tell you this, you're ungrateful for your hair, it'll
find somewhere else to live.
And never trust a farmer that's bald headed.
Are you telling me you can farm, but yeah, you can't take care of that small
little, you know, millionth of an acre on your head, can you?
You know, if you can't grow a crop up top, then I don't know if I'm going to
stop by your premises and check out your beets or your squash.
So, we got Bud Galloway back here in the distance sometime, and he won't be on,
but he is here.
And he's just going to check in every now and then and make sure that
everything is recording properly.
Just get that gander.
What else can you be thankful for?
Skin.
Do you have skin?
Think about skin.
Skin.
You have skin on your body?
Wow.
Must be nice, huh?
Because imagine if you didn't.
Imagine trying to carry your heart and muscles and bones around by yourself.
It'd be impossible.
I don't care how good you can juggle, you wouldn't be able to do anything
without your skin.
Skin.
Skin, that's something you can be grateful for and thankful for today.
Show some gratitude.
Imagine trying to try shoes on when your bones and everything is all hanging
out.
And your muscles and your tendons.
Skin.
Skin.
Skin.
Very, very, very good product.
Very happy.
Imagine going to the airport and you don't have any luggage.
And you've got to carry everything.
You've got to carry your sweaters and your hats.
You know, and your suspenders.
And you've got to carry your toothbrush and toothpaste and everything.
Imagine you've got to carry all of that.
And you've got to balance, you know, if you've got gifts for the children, you've
got to balance them on the top of your spine or on the top of your cranium.
You know, or on your head.
Imagine if you had to do all that.
It'd be crazy.
It'd be impossible to travel like that, wouldn't it?
Well, that's what it would be like if you didn't have skin.
It would just be like that.
Just moving around all the time.
Scaring people.
You're trying to hug somebody and they can see your lungs?
Fuck no.
Nobody's going to like you.
So show some gratitude if you've got skin.
That's something easy.
Everybody has skin for the most part.
Unless you're in a fire.
And even then, you've got skin, but it's kind of, you know, it's a little bit
remixed.
You know, it's a little bit dapped up.
You know, a little bit dapped up by the devil.
And that's some time you get a little bit more reptilian.
And you might have a friend that's, you might, you know, frequent pet shops or
something because you've got a little bit of that lizard-esque in you.
And that's okay, but that's something to be grateful for that we can all be
grateful for, you know.
And that skin, epidermis, that last layer.
That last layer.
That first line of defense against being ugly.
And I'm not saying that the skinless are ugly, but I'm not saying that they
aren't.
Let me tell you this, you show up on my front porch skinless, dude, I'd be
damned if I don't beat you with an umbrella.
Like you're a can of tuna fish out there on Santa Monica Boulevard.
Because I saw a homeless man beating open a can of tuna one time when I first
moved here.
And that would, and I'll tell you this, I never thought I would use that tactic.
But if a person with no skin shows up, I'll be damned, I'll be damned if they
don't take a rain stopper into one of the eye sockets.
Because I'll beat somebody's ass with an umbrella that shows up without any
epidermis.
So that's something to be thankful for your skin if you can't think of anything
to be thankful for on Thanksgiving Day.
What about your family?
Think about that.
What about your grandmother?
Maybe she has a cat.
Maybe she doesn't have a cat.
Maybe she just wears cats.
My grandmother used to collect ceramic frogs, you know, and she never liked me.
So those are the two things I really remember about my grandmother.
You know, I was thankful, you know, that she let me go up to her house
sometimes.
Because they had a big backyard back there where they grew strawberries and
carrots.
And she would let me go pick the strawberries sometime in the morning.
And the crows would come down and try to get at them.
And so sometime after a while, I got more enticed with just scaring off the crows
and let her pick them.
My job was that crow handler, you know, kind of an early beast master, you know.
Kind of like Edgar Allan Poe's arch nemesis.
Fending off crows.
Get out of here.
You know, my grandma would get pissed because sometimes I would throw
strawberries at the crows.
Defeating the purpose of everybody's activity that day.
You know, so she's supposed to be picking them and I'm o