Name: 11-27-17 Animal Man Fights Swan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #55
Uploaded: 2017-11-27T15:47:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-27-17 Animal Man Fights Swan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #55' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-27-17 Animal Man Fights Swan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #55' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-27. Transcript available.

11-27-17 Animal Man Fights Swan | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #55

what is that a xylophone what is that a harp celebrate it boy
celebrate that misery boy daddy's down well daddy's gonna dance
get that hit up let's have some fun while we all die
wow let's have some fun while we all d y e and i think they're talking about
easter eggs you know
they're talking about let's all have some fun while we all die these eggs i'm
joking man it's
not even that's wrong season if you coming in at easter boy if you're trying to
put your mouth around
a chocolate rabbit boy you mean you are being naughty you know dude they used
to have this girl in our
neighborhood at easter would get them chocolate rabbits and put the whole thing
in her mouth and
down her throat and everything and it was i'm like i don't she wouldn't even
bite into it i'm like i
i don't think that's that's uh jesus ain't coming back for that you know jesus
ain't coming back for
that for this dark magic but yeah she was wild dude and she uh never really
developed breasts was just
i had a big round chest kind of with nipples on the front and that was just
sort of who she was a real
kegerator of a girl thick neck too real solid almost like a maple or mahogany
type of um
thick thick skin almost like her foot like a full body staph infection that's
how her her skin was just
thick all over you know like she was a little bit of you know kind of skin and
something else in there
like a light quick crete you know like a light she was sort of marbled kind of
in a way anyhow
good to see you guys happy december no happy november 27 it is november
two seven can you believe it can you believe that we made it this far november
27 mondays
the year 2017 and we are in the 64th shadow realm of the universe uh make sure
to get your uh to stock up on
turquoise that's a new uh reality show wouldn't it be turquoise hunters damn it
dale where'd you put the
map i don't know noreen but this turquoise hall ain't big enough for the both
of us
could you even imagine that being a damn turquoise hunter just wait dude it's
just two
like troubled people out in tucson arizona just milling around a vfw or an
american legion
asking people for quartz and turquoise turquoise hunters good to be here with
you guys man i hope
you had a wonderful weekend you know sometimes i think about you know people
listening to this show
and i wonder well what are they doing you know i bet there's somebody out there
have a baby and they
take in their baby you know to wherever babies go during the day to be away
from their families
you know dropping them off in the morning or maybe they're you know i know we
have a red bull truck
driver out there we got a mailman out there that listens they've called in um
we got a man out there
who drives a senior citizen wagon you know sometimes they have the senior
citizen adventure wagons when
senior citizens all because when you get older you live together in a in a
special dorm or kind of a
sorority fraternity house with other seniors and they have a wagon that'll come
and pick somebody all
up and take you to the mall or to the park or sometimes this dude said he
called him one time said
sometimes if he gets some of the real incapacitated seniors he'll just drive
them around and tell them
they went to the mall you know or tell them they went to asia or somewhere you
know and make up
someplace that sounds pretty fancy and he said a lot of their joy is just in
getting out and about
and he said sometimes he'll even listen to this podcast while he drives them
around so i think about
that i think about well who's who's listening you know you got these i think
about a little bus like a
small bus of or special wagon or you know a very distinct van which hopefully
have windows on it
there's nothing real sadder to me than thinking about a bunch of seniors in a
van with no windows
i mean that's damn that's andy dufresne type of stuff you know that's prisoner
that's prisoner
treatment but i think about them listening to it maybe i know we have a couple
of um middle eastern
listeners and i think about those guys listening to it out there you know
playing hacky sack or
you know collecting you know tall pieces of grass to make things to sell on the
side of the road or
i know we got a bunch of you know laid up listeners handicapped you know people
that's you know on
disability and whatnot you know wheelchairs you know you know uh people that
what are those little
things those rascals people that ride rascals i've seen a couple of them at my
comedy show say that
they're fans of the show so i think about them and i just think about the
unique people you know the
unique plethora of humanity we got some mixed people some brothers and some we
got some ladies out there
six percent of our listeners are female so that's not very many would love to
have more but i had a
nice weekend man and i thought about you guys a little bit i thought about you
guys and just who who
listens who listens uh to this past weekend and uh just trying to you know come
up with a little bit
of you know a little landscape a couple shorties out there listen you know a
couple ladies i'll get
some you know i've gotten some pics on snapchat some breasts and some
individual breasts you know
which i prefer i never really trust a woman that sends you a picture of both
titties at the same time
what is that you know if you have two of something show one and if things are
going well show both
that's what i've always said if you have a pair of something you know if you
got two buicks you don't
show somebody both buicks at the same time because what if you uh you know what
if they hate the first
one then you're sitting there with another one bullshit but good to be here man
happy almost
december thanksgiving is over i hope it went good for you i hope it went good
for you you know i hope
you had that stuff in man i had three thanksgiving meals okay three you know i
had some white meat
some turkey meat some long neck some sweet potatoes with that marshmallow sauce
baby baby put them brown
marshmallows on the top you know i had that hit you know i ate one meal outside
by candlelight
by some cliffs and this was out in the hollywood hills and that by the cliffs
and they had you could
even hear coyotes in the distance i think it was coyotes it could have been a
bear with a
you know with a flute but it sounded like a kind of a baritone flute but it
sounded like a coyote
and what else did we hear um what else did we eat not much else man had a
friend's birthday that was
pretty cool what else did i do uh thinking about having nothing about smoking i'm
going two days without
smoking thinking about smoking dude swear to god bro i would sack my own dick
if i knew there was
some neck of time in it uh i saw daddy's home too i don't know if you ever seen
this movie i didn't
even know there was a first one apparently daddy's home again uh it was nice to
see mel gibson in
the movie i like mel gibson my favorite movie of all time is the patriot and
also i like sling blade
i used to date a girl who had the same jawline as sling blade um as the man and
then i also like that
movie league of their own you know and some people want to talk smack and i
like armageddon
you know so i like some pretty bad movies also but you're also talking to a
google a google dolls
listener you know you're also talking to a guy who almost got uh molested in a
uh mirror in a bathroom
at a maryland manson show you know you're also you're also talking to a guy who
used to do uh steroids
on the side of the interstate um with a man that looked like don flamenco from
mike tyson's punch
out and who ended up being a homosexual gentleman and i remember being over at
his house and he was
crying about princess diana died and i didn't know who princess diana was i
thought it was his dog
i thought he had a dog named princess diana and i remember trying to be sad and
supportive at the same
time offering to get a shovel dude i don't remember we were high on marijuana i
do remember that
and um but then he years later he was doing pills and drove into i'll give you
a second to guess
an embankment so i don't know if you guessed that or not but that's what was
going on i saw daddy's
home too it's good enough it's entertaining it's way more entertaining than um
uh flakes on a train
or whatever that was snake um fuckin mystery train mystery with johnny depp
orient express better than
that it's not the directing was bad but they you know it's fun to see it's fun
to see mel gibson will
ferrell always pretty good um you know it was what it was it's one of those
movies where it's like you
know you know they're packing it with stars you know just to get you into the
theater you know it's
kind of like one of those films it's just like the way it is nowadays where you
feel a little bit
taken advantage of every time you go to the movies that's how i feel every time
i go i'm like why the
fuck am i just coming back here it's basically just to see a big screen i feel
like i mean i can't even
remember um actually what's the movie the british movie dunkirk was the last
really good movie that i
thought i thought i saw but what else is going on man oh kfc now kfc and that
stands for kentucky fried
chicken they got that new fried chicken bath bomb think about that boy think
about getting clean
think about getting clean and staying dirty at the same time and this thing is
finger look you'll be
finger licking clean dude it's a kfc bath bomb so you put that bath bomb into
the water and suddenly
your whole bathroom smells like kfc dude you are floating your chicken soup at
that point so i think
that's sexy boy get you you know invite a lady over even if y'all just roll up
your pant legs and stand
in the tub with one of those going off somebody's going to pop a bit of an erection
or you know a strong
clitoris you know and that is uh that can be truly beautiful so they got them kfc
bath bombs
if you always wanted to have that you know that luxurious chicken feeling
wrapped around your skin
if that if getting that chicken in your stomach isn't enough you want to be
drowning in it then you can
do that now wait till somebody drowns in this shit that's what's going to
happen some schlubby
muppet out there with nine lips and you know zero diplomas you know not even a
ged you know not
even don't even own any just no it doesn't even own a book that's the people i
don't i'm over you
don't own a book you're out you're out you're out you know that's like oh you
got to at least
every now and then you should have to re you should have to do a book report
that's one thing they
should still have us do as we get older do a book report oh you haven't read a
book in nine years ah
well guess what you're not allowed to leave your house anymore because people
are over it but i saw
that daddy's home too they got the new kfc bath bomb um we got a new producer
today helping us out
we're on this producer uh realm right now this producer this trial and error
with the producers so i'm
i'm grateful to that gentleman named chris off the internet so the internet's
powerful dude you can
get whatever you want off of there drugs medium shirts you know you can get
that canadian viagra
make your legs sweat son but that stuff would give you that hitter you know but
these days can you
you even have an erection anymore when do they shut that down you know you're
not going to have any no
man is going to be able to fly on an airplane dude is it just me or is every
dude on an airplane erect
every and or on a also on a greyhound bus sometime even on a tram if i got to
go from b to f at the
at the atlanta airport i may pop that heat you know what i'm saying i may build
my own upstairs between
my legs dude made out of skin and blood you know and wiener parts because you
will it's just there's
something about that airplane there's something about that that tram that jiggle
in the machinery or
something makes your body start to salute the universe with that bone with that
bone bone that
b