Name: 11-30-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #56
Uploaded: 2017-11-30T17:19:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-30-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #56' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '11-30-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #56' from Theo Von on Comedy Buff. Published 2017-11-30. Transcript available.

11-30-17 | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #56

It's Thursday
You hear that?
Something to kind of song before you
Masturbate at a junkyard
Or at like a recycling center, boy
Yeah, let's go
Yeah
I want to thank, that's Jesse Lucero
Dropped that inbox to me
And that hit
And that's a nameless hit
That hit doesn't even have a name to it
But that's probably a classic hit
And I appreciate it
Thank you guys for being here today
On Thursday
And it is November 30th
It might be the last day of November
Do you realize that?
It might be the last day of November 2017
I'm too, uh
I just don't, too lazy to look at the damn calendar
I think
But I want you to appreciate you guys
For being here with me on the follow-up
We got the follow-up this week
I'm going to get right into it
Because I'm not playing
You know what I'm saying?
I'm not playing today
I got my weekend ahead of me
I'm headed to Calgary
I'm headed to Calgary, Canada
Tomorrow on a flight
With three other comedians
We're going to go to Calgary
We're going to do a show at a place called Cowboys
And I have never been to Calgary
I've been to Canada
And I've had some unique experiences up there
Got some severe food poisoning up there one time
And had to lay by a fireplace for a long time
And get well
Very Native American experience up there
And sometimes I wonder what happened with the Native Americans that were in
Canada
Because you always hear about
Like you know
How Native Americans got treated here in the U.S.
And not well
Might I add
If you miss those chapters in school
But the answer is
Not well there
And then I start thinking
Well how did they get treated over there in Canada?
You know those kind of frost
They call them frostbacks
I think a lot of people up there
And I think
I don't know if that's a racial term or not
I hope it's not
But anyhow man
Thank you guys for joining me
I just got out of some yoga
So I'm feeling my spirit
I'm feeling my spirit
Kind of living in the ends of my arms and legs
And look I'll tell you this about yoga
Man I used to be anti-yoga
You know I used to be anti-yoga
I'd go in there
People are sweating
You know you can hear some ladies
They got their hoo-hahs dangling out
You know people
Some people's in the corner
Just kind of
You know laying on the thing
With like a little blanket over them
And you know they freaking tugging out
You know
You know they freaking petting that whistle
Bruh
But then you also have
People that are in there
That are really getting it done
And getting their bones and joints
In better condition
And that's the kind of people
That I was dealing with
In there today man
It's good dude
Yoga I'm starting to get into it
They have that Diamond Dallas Page yoga
I've never done it but
I hear that it's pretty cavalier
So
But I'm happy man
I'm feeling good
I'm feeling lively
You know
Might have to go hit that
That gray block pizza
Over on Pico Boulevard
Roll up in there
You know
Peaceful
Roll up in there
And namaste
Let me get that hitter
Huh
Let me get that gray block pizza
Fill my mouth
What's inside of your mouth right now?
Probably air
Maybe gum
Maybe your tongue
Imagine dude
If your tongue
Was pizza
That's what can happen to you
If you go to gray block pizza
So you check it out
When you're in Los Angeles
G-R-E-Y
B-L-O-C-K
P-I-Z-Z-A
Dot com
We're doing the follow up
I want to get you guys
Immediately into the call
That led to a lot of calls
We had a lot of people
Hit the hotline
985-664-9503
We're going to get into
I want to play that call
For you right now
So you can hear
What a lot of the calls
Were about
Here we go
Hey what's up Theo
My name is Adam
And
Got a little question for you
Maybe
Get your thoughts
On
A little
My wife
At about year two
Informed me that
Watching pornography
Was akin to cheating
Year two
First of all
This dude
I mean that's a wild way
To put it
I guess Adam
Year two
But yeah
So 700 days
Into the deal
You know
After having the cake
And the big party
With everyone
And friends
You know
And love
And family
And getting those gifts
And getting that money
Your wife says
That porn is akin
To cheating
Let's go
And so
She requested
That I stop
Watching that
Pornography
So I did
And so I did
But what she did
For me
Was she allowed me
To start filming
Us doing the nasty
That nasty
That nasty
That nasty
Boy
And you know
What's interesting
To me Adam
Is that nobody
Ever
It's never
I love how
The nickname
It is
The nasty
You know
It's not that
Beautiful dance
You know
It's you know
It used to be called
Humping
Sometimes they call it
Humping
You know
If you
If just a woman
Is just
You know
I guess
Kind of
On her knees
And you're just
Back there behind her
You know
That's humping
You know
But the nasty
And if you ever
Watched two people
Have sex
Dude
It's kind of
It's pretty
Like not on
Pornography
Like on pornography
You're talking
To the all stars
You know
These are the
Shaquille O'Neill's
Of fucking
On pornography
On sexual
You know
These are
You know
These are
Your
Your
You know
These are your
Your Neil Armstrong's
Of sex
And of
You know
You know
Tits
And butthole work
And all of that
Everything they're doing
These are
Connoisseurs
You know
These are
This is your
Salt bay
Of
Of
Of sexuality
These people
On pornography
Somebody rolling
Into your bedroom
Or my bedroom
Seeing
You know
Our hairy
You know
Derrières
That hairy
Air
Seeing our
Hairy derrières
Or our
You know
Our
You know
Maybe a
If I have an ink
Stain on my leg
Because a pin
Broke in my pocket
At work
And it's been there
For seven months
You know
And I mean
We're not showing off
The best case
You know
We're not showing off
The best
You know
Elements
And the best limbs
And you know
And everything
So
You're going to
Your trade off
I mean
That's a beautiful
Trade off
You know
At least your wife
Gave you an option
She said
Well if you can't
Do this
I don't want you
Doing this
But you're allowed
To film
You and me
Being nasty
Let's hear more
So anyway
The dark arts
Part of this
Comes in
With me
I kind of
Want to try
Something else
And I'm not
Sure on
How she's
Going to take it
But I kind of
Want to film
Her
Banging
Somebody else
That may sound
Weird to some
People
It may sound
You know
Them jealous
Types
You know
They wouldn't
Get into
Something like that
But I've been
Thinking about it
A lot man
And you know
Even sometimes
When my wife
Is doing nasty
Things to me
I kind of
In my head
Start thinking
Like I'm
Somebody else
There you go
So he really
In Adam's head
It feels like
He is
Well
Let's see what
Some of you guys
Thought man
Because his wife
Is saying
I don't want you
Watching the pornography
That's akin to
Cheating
But you can film
Us having sex
And now he wants
To bring some
Other people
Into the bedroom
You know
He wants to bring
I mean
First of all
You know
The number one
Draft pick
Is probably
Going to be
A brother
And if you're
Going to bring
A you know
Somebody going to
Come in there
With a big
Instrument
You over
You know
You in there
With your little
Synthesizer
And a brother
Shows up
With a big
Bass drum
You know
I mean
Maybe that's
What you want
To see though
You know
Or if you get
I mean
You could get
Eleven or nine
Asian dudes
Rolling up
On your lady
You know
Hanging off over
Like one of those
Bicycles in the
Guinness Book of World Records
You know
You might have
Eleven or nine
You know
Eleven or nine
Asian dudes
You know
Some Viettes
Or some Laotians
You know
Popping off
Giving her that
You know
That
What's it called
When they prick
Your skin
With all those
Needles at one
Time
I don't know
What it's called
Man
Needle
Needle work
You know
If they knitting
They doing all that
Knitting
Boy
They you know
Those little bitty
You know
Crazy hammers
You know
The specific hammers
A lot of Asians
They come with
That specific hammer
You know
Almost like
They got
Like they're
Sewing
You know
They got that
Sewing machine
Wiener
But you get
Eleven of those
Boy
You know
You could call
Some arrhythmia
Or something
On your old lady
But so
That was Adam's call
And you guys
Gave me
You guys got some
Great calls
That came in
So let's pop
Into one of those
Right here
Hi Theo
This is Ashley
I'm calling from
Tampa
Hey Ashley
Thank you for
Calling for Tampa
Tampa
Bad zoning
Down there
You know
A lot of
I got accosted
By a gay
Gangbanger
Down there
One time
Dude tried to
Get me honestly
To masturbate
And give him
My wallet
So that's
You know
It is what it is
But they got some
Unique zoning
Down there
You know
Strip club
Right next to a place
Where you could get a boat
Or you know
Get an animal
Euthanized
All types of stuff
Spanish moss
Everything
Let's hear more
Thank you for calling
Ashley
I saw you for the first time
A while back
And I think that was
The first time I ever
Laugh cried
At a comedy show
So
Well I appreciate that
Thank you for the compliment
One dude
One night at a show
He laughed so hard
He came out of the closet
You know
He was just like
Ha ha
I'm gay
And his buddies
Are like
What the fuck
Gerald
You know
Calm down bro
Have another beer
Get it together
Bucko
Onward
I've become a big fan
I'm actually calling
In response
To your
Is porn
Cheating
Question
And my short answer
Is no
However
I think that
It can definitely be
A huge issue
In a relationship
If the person
Has some sort of
Addiction
Which I think that
One of my ex-boyfriends
Had an addiction
And
Yes
I mean
I don't know
If one of your ex-boyfriends
Has
Did have that
But
I certainly have been there
You know
That is a bad habit
And it's a dark
That's the dark arts
And that's where a lot of the dark arts
Even started for me
Was getting caught up in that
You know
And just feeling around
You know
Sometimes
I used to blindfold
Myself
And
And pretend I didn't know
Where my penis was
And then find my penis
And then masturbate
So you know
Just
Cause you gotta spice it up
Even when you're just masturbating
You gotta spice it up
You know
But yeah
For some people
It's a bad habit
So you're saying
No Ashley
And it's nice to hear
A woman's voice on this
I'll say that
There's something
Immediately
You know
Takes it to another level
When you got
When you got a woman
Talking about
Sexuality
And that
You know
Right here in this conversation
In this
You know
In this vile little cauldron
That we've created here
To discuss
This dirt topic
You know
Onward
It was to the point
Where
He would rather
Lock himself in the bathroom
And jerk off
Than have sex with me
Ooh
That's a little
Silence of the lambsy
You know
He's in there
Petting that black sheep
And you outside
Looking for some wool
You know
So yeah
That's wild
I've never
You know
I mean
Honestly
I'll tell you this
I did have times
Where
Man
I would
Master
I would
When I was seeing a gal
I would masturbate
Even when she and I
Were not having good sex
The sex was not
We were not even having sex
At a time
And I would still
Be pleasuring myself
You know
So at that point
There is something going on
Because
You know
This was a girl that I loved
You know
That I was in love with
And I don't know
Why I wouldn't
You know
Exercise that
Sensuality with her
And instead
You know
You know
I'm out
You know
Beating that thing
Like it's a bad school boy
You know
Like it just failed
The third grade
You know
I don't know
Why
Why
Why I do that
Why I did that
Or
Why someone does that
You know
You really got me thinking
Here now Ashley
I think
Some of the reason
Was just
I almost wonder
If someone was out of
A selfishness
Like if I don't
Like the more
I connect with this girl
The more in love
Maybe I'll fall more in love
And maybe I'll get my feelings hurt
You know
Whereas if I just
Pleasure myself
Then I know
I'm in control of everything
I'm in control of the situation
Nobody can hurt me
I don't know
Interesting though
Let's hear more
Thank you for calling Ashley
So I feel like
If that's where you're at
And
He's not willing to admit
That it's an issue
Then I think that's fair
To say that
You know
He should obviously stop
But
Is it cheating?
No
There you go
It's not cheating
She said
Unless it's a bad habit
But
You know
I'm assuming his wife
Must have thought
It was a bad habit
If sh